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Original poster

He doesn't want to marry me!

87 replies

ineedaholeinone · 08/07/2015 21:26

DP has been married before and so have I. We've been together very happily for 9 years. Our previous marriages were unhappy and until quite recently I didn't even think about us marrying.
However, recently I've changed my mind. He's kind, caring, generous and supportive in every way. He's the one and I'd like to marry him.
One night, after a lovely night out and some drinks I told him I'd like to marry. Actually I asked him to marry me. He shocked me by saying no.........he said we would at some point though! That was certainly just to appease me.
Well, I was really hurt ....and surprised. He's always been so loving.
We have a great life, a home together. I now want commitment. I've brought it up since and it's still no.
I'm hurt and feel our relationship has changed.

How do I handle this? I can't help thinking it's because he doesn't love me enough. He seldom says he loves me but, i suppose actions speak louder than words and he is very caring.
I'm hurt, my pride is wounded and it's saddened me.

OP posts:
mrstweefromtweesville · 08/07/2015 22:54

He's wasting your life. Move on.

Original poster
ineedaholeinone · 08/07/2015 23:08

Goddess, heyho and others, thanks so much.
Yes, we have very good lives, shared and individual hobbies and interests, good friends, good health and no money worries. Maybe I should just content myself though I rather like the idea of making it a bit of a joke.
Another piece of info. Although my marriage ultimately failed I reckon it was happier than his.

OP posts:
Sleepsoftly · 08/07/2015 23:09

Your third and final question op. I don't think his money has anything to do with his reasons for not wanting to marry, and neither is your money the reason you are together.

Milllii · 09/07/2015 00:37

?

TummyButtonFluff · 09/07/2015 01:33

Can I have some of whatever sleepsoftly is on??

ToastedOrFresh · 09/07/2015 01:48

TummyButtonFluff - yeah I agree. Also, can MrsTweetfromTweetsville stop the goading, please.

Kiwiinkits · 09/07/2015 02:08

I think I know what you want. It might not be "marriage". It might be something else, like, you want him to publically proclaim that he loves you. That you're his number one. That you mean something to him. You're not just some lady that happens to live with him.

If that's what you want then I totally get it. Every woman wants that.

If he's worried about the finances then get a pre-nup. Easily enough done.

mommyof23kids · 09/07/2015 02:30

You've been together for 9 years and only recently wanted to get married. If he had proposed 5 years ago would you have said yes?
You are the one who has changed, he's spent 9 years thinking you feel exactly like him and suddenly you don't.

stargirl04 · 09/07/2015 03:13

Hi OP,

I strongly believe that if you want a man to marry you that you should not live with him first. Remember that old saying: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

You have three options:

  1. Accept the situation as it as and force yourself to put your feelings about marriage on ice;
  2. Question where the relationship is going and consider moving out and ending the relationship; or
  3. Change yourself: ask yourself why you need to be married. These days there is no need, unless you want your kids to have the same family surname. But it seems children aren't part of the plan. Can you let go of this seemingly sudden desire to be married? What has brought it on? Can you let go of being bothered by it? You might find that once the pressure's off, he might come round to the idea. When you change, others change.

Several years ago, an ex-bf said to me: "I have my doubts about marrying you."

I replied breezily: "Well that's okay honey, it's normal to have doubts. Everyone has doubts. You wouldn't be human if you didn't. I have doubts too."

He sat up straight, put his arm around me and said: "What do you mean, 'You have doubts'? I'm allowed to have them but you're not." And we had a good laugh about it.

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/07/2015 03:20

OP, he doesn't want to marry you.Sad

Stargirl, you are so wrong on so many levels.

stargirl04 · 09/07/2015 03:28

Another thought. Remember Helen Gurley Brown, of Sex and the Single Girl fame? I read an interview with her and she recounted how when she met her future husband he'd already been married twice and absolutely didn't want to marry again.

It was a huge source of conflict between them and eventually she gave him an ultimatum: "Marry me or it's over".

He tried to talk her out of it, then tried to "wait her out", but she wouldn't give in and refused to see him.

They were happily married for 50 years.

stargirl04 · 09/07/2015 03:29

I enjoy learning where I'm going wrong Dione, so please do enlighten me. :-)

TheStoic · 09/07/2015 04:03

You shocked him, OP - as you said, this was a recent 180 on your part.

The day before you asked him, were you perfectly happy with the relationship? 24 hours later, you are in turmoil and think he doesn't love you enough.

Focus on that - talk about his reasons. I would bet they are all practical and logistical ones, with no reflection on how much he loves you.

If he can reassure you of that, will you be willing to forgo the idea of marriage? Or will he need to marry you to prove his feelings?

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/07/2015 04:32

Women are not cows. There's no "getting the milk for free" bullshit in an adult relationship. SATC was a delightful piece of tv entertainment, but that is all.

firesidechat · 09/07/2015 06:16

Does the relationship forum always become this surreal late at night?

Anyway back to the situation.

Change yourself: ask yourself why you need to be married. These days there is no need, unless you want your kids to have the same family surname. But it seems children aren't part of the plan.

There are many practical reasons why getting married does make a difference, even without children in the mix - inheritance tax, next of kin. There are more, but it's too early in the morning.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/07/2015 07:54

Your relationship has been rocked by this repeated no to marriage from him.

What are you to him; I sincerely hope you are not seen as a combination of companion, housekeeper and the "she will do for now woman". Does he simply want someone to look after him?. I also have a nasty feeling that he could well become more distance and nasty; saying such stuff like ,"well you knew what I was like when we got together, I did not want marriage then".

He needs to give you clear reasons why he does not want to get married or just as specifically why he does not want to get married to you. He may well be happy as he is but you are well within your rights to want more from this relationship. If that is really the case then you and he are never going to bridge the gap. Also if you are "older" what does he call you in company; his better half or partner?. Maybe that also triggered something within you, you feel too old to be described as such particularly if many of your peers are themselves married. Perhaps you feel that after nearly a decade of being together you want something like marriage as well, a further commitment to the wider world that he and you are man and wife.

If he thinks that cohabitation separations are somehow less messy then a chat with a Solicitor would disavow him of that information along with the fact that you are both not fully protected from the realities of the law should one of you die.

Make yourself aware of your exact legal position now by seeking your own independent legal advice.

As it is in the eyes of the law, you are treated as two separate individuals who are not related to each other. Apart from potential inheritance tax implications if either of you dies there is the fact that you could not claims the widows allowance from the government (that is only for married women), you could not open Letters of Administration for his estate, you cannot choose his headstone and you could even find his ex wife may have some sort of claim on his estate (that has happened). Apart from your own grief you could be potentially facing read financial hardship. If his parents or siblings were still alive they may well be seen as his next of kin; you could become very reliant on their good will.

Original poster
ineedaholeinone · 09/07/2015 08:24

Thanks, all. Taking it all in. Will be back later to answer/explain.

OP posts:
AccordingToOurRecords · 09/07/2015 08:45

I'd say that having been together for 9 years quite happily he IS committed to you. How do you think things will change by being married? You must feel loved otherwise why ask him to marry you? If you both wanted a family together than I can see why you might want to be married but if you look on the relationships boards marriage does not guarantee commitment. I'm committed to DP, DP is committed to me, we are not married, never will be.

DrSethHazlittMD · 09/07/2015 09:17

OP, you said right at the top: "We've been together very happily for 9 years. Our previous marriages were unhappy and until quite recently I didn't even think about us marrying. However, recently I've changed my mind."

In other words, you both had perfectly good reason not to want to remarry. In other words, you've both been perfectly happy for 9 years. You changed your mind. You know want "commitment" (as clearly being with him perfectly happy for 9 years isn't "commitment").

Just because YOU have changed your mind doesn't mean he has to change his. Nor, does it mean that, all of a sudden after 9 happy years, that he doesn't love you enough.

I HATE it when people reduce things to "if you loved me enough you would do this" (whether it's marriage, children, holidays). Because it suggests that love is a competition and that the one who actually says that rubbish thinks their view outweighs their partner's. It doesn't. Both are equally valid.

The issue, I'm afraid, is yours not his. You've changed your mind. If it's a dealbreaker, then leave him. But it sounds a shame to throw away what you have admitted is a "kind, caring, generous and supportive in every way" partner over this. If it's not a dealbreaker, then you need to work out your 'concerns' without taking it out on him.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 09/07/2015 10:05

"...I remember the innocence and promise I felt getting married and it seemed so perfect and right and I look at all the shit and pain and paperwork involved in getting a divorce and no way in hell could I ever imaging marrying again. No matter how much I loved someone."

My thoughts exactly. Your previous marriages were unhappy so maybe that's a big factor in his reluctance to go through it again. After all, I bet when he went into his marriage he thought it was for life, but it went wrong, so once bitten twice shy. I'm amazed so many people remarry to be honest.

I also think that owning property together is a huge commitment already.

penguinsaresmall · 09/07/2015 10:26

OP to me the issue would be exactly why he doesn't want to marry you - and why it's not come up before in the last 9 years.

Owning property together is a huge commitment, yes, but to me being married to somebody is much more symbolic of choosing to be with that person for the rest of your life. So I too would be very sad that somebody who professes to love me didn't want to do that, and I would want to get to the bottom of why.

I didn't marry until I was in my 30's - but we both knew this was 'it' pretty quickly and were planning our wedding within a year of meeting. Previous to that I had had long relationships; so had DH; where we had lived with people, bought houses, etc, but for some reason hadn't married. And looking back now I can see that you can drift into living with somebody, buying a house, even having children, but to marry somebody you really have to take a leap of faith and know that they are 100% the one - and I only ever thought that with DH, as he did with me.

I'm not saying that your partner doesn't think that you're 100% the one. But I have seen the situation so many times where couples drift along for years and don't marry - often because they say they're 'not bothered' about being married. Then they split for whatever reason and one of them has married somebody else within a couple of years.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/07/2015 10:31

Its a financial commitment, not necessarily an emotional one.

Also this woman is not his ex wife and I think she needs to know exactly why he does not want marriage. Is he rejecting the idea of marriage or the idea of marriage to her?.

Buying a home is often the biggest and most financially complicated move a couple makes, and unwinding it can be especially difficult for unmarried partners if the relationship.

I have seen on here many times the scenario in which the man has the mortgage and title deeds with the woman not named on either.

TheDowagerCuntess · 09/07/2015 10:37

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free is utter bullshit, and totally offensive to all decent, normal, loving men out there.

If you're interested in tethering yourself to a total misogynist, with no respect for women, then by all means live by that ^^ rule.

Otherwise, if you're with a regular, nice, kind man - then don't worry about moving in with him first, because the fact that he can .. 'get the milk for free' Hmm will be neither here nor there.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 09/07/2015 10:45

My mum is happily settled in a lifelong relationship but her partner doesn't want to marry. He just doesn't. He did it once, his wife left him, no desire to do it again, and, after feeling a bit miffed, neither does she. They are living out their older age together, financially independent to some extent but having taken good legal advice, and just don't want the bother although in their case there are adult children and it would be a tad more complicated.

I would get good legal advice and be very upfront with him about the necessity of that- you don't want to find that with the loss of losing him you also have to sell your home for example.

But I don't think there is one size fits all. If you had children or this was his first marriage, I might think differently as there are more obvious benefits to be had from marrying, as well as that huge symbolic commitment, but having said that, about half the couples I know aren't married and many of them are 20 years into those relationships.

cantmakeme · 09/07/2015 10:51

OP it sounds like maybe marriage isn't exactly the problem, but how his rejection of marriage to you has made you feel the balance of power shift in the relationship?