Should I forget him?

[byalake]

I met a man a few months ago and we ended up spending a couple of days together. He was really funny, really interesting and we just talked for the entire day and the entire night into the next day (nothing happenned at all!) and told each other about our pasts, our families, our hopes for the future and everything and I came away feeling really connected. He did try it on of course, but I was dating someone at the time and nothing happenned.

We both went home (we live 2.5 hours apart) and he started to phone and text me quite a lot. I split with BF and It transpired that he was just out of an LTR that he had ended because they had reached that point where it was "marry or leave" and he chose to leave. He's very honest, and he has told me that he loves this woman, but he is just not sure that he loves her enough for her to be the one he spends his life with. He feels like she is perfect on paper and that he has no reason to run from this commitment and it's tortured him a bit in terms of the guilt he feels for breaking her heart, and also the worry that there is something wrong with him to feel this way and that he is somehow not fit for relationships.

What came next was a lot of texting and phoning and some of the most deep, meaningful and interesting conversations of my life and I started to admire and respect this guy a heck of a lot. I feel actually like he's one of the few people I have ever met who completely understands me and how I see life and the world and he's so clever and honest and full of a desire to do the right thing by people.

There's a very strong attraction between us, and he carried on asking me out quite a lot, always teasing me about whoever I was dating at the time, asking why I didn't dump the stiff and go out with him instead and how we both knew we'd end up together eventually. He was pretty clear though that he felt he'd balked on marriage with this other woman and he was afraid he would do the same with the next girl and the next one too.

I explained to him that I didn't want to date him due to the timing and circumstances because it might be messy and that it was best for him to sort his life but that if we both still felt the same when he was completely over it, that we could re-visit the idea of "us".

During the past few months, I carried on dating other people, and he got back together briefly with this other woman. His words exactly in terms of her were that he was worried that if he let her go he'd not meet anyone better and that she was a good woman and loyal. I told him that sounded like the worst reason I'd ever heard to marry someone, but left him to it to explore his own head but he's definitely been a bit confused and messed up over it.

We both admitted openly that the connection and attraction we both felt was obviously something quite serious and he did say more than once that he felt a strange sense that I might be "the one". To be honest, I had nagging feelings on the same lines but I just felt if we dated when he was so confused and messed up over something else it would not give u a fair chance that we deserved.

Anyway, I told him yesterday that it's becoming more serious with a guy I am dating and that we were becoming exclusive and he joked around at first and then sent me a message that said:

"Honestly, he seems like a good guy and he has everything you deserve. you should give it your all because you deserve to be happy. This is me signing off until the day comes where you feel like the time might be right to be in touch with me. I really hope the best for you, because you are beautiful, super bright and really tuned in and I am really hoping that I hear from you again one day. What I am going to do now though is to delete your number, and I suggest you do the same. It's far too easy for us to continue messaging like this for all the wrong reasons and it's not fair to anyone. If you ever want to find me, you can contact me at (his address)."

I asked him what it was about and he said he felt that the attraction between us was very strong, and that we'd eventually see each other again, end up together, fall madly in love and that ultimately someone else would make me happier in the long term and he did not want to cause me pain like he did to this other woman.

I didn't really understand any of it.

I do know he's obviously not in a place for a relationship, but I hoped we could stay in each other's lives and maybe have a chance for the future because my gut is telling me that he and I are "it".

I don't really know what to do. He has left me this address, but he does not know my last name, my address, where I work or have me on Facebook or anything at all. He's deleted me now presumably and there's no way for him to find me again.

I feel like he's left the ball in my court but I am not sure why or what I am meant to do with it?

Donkeys he did ask me out when we were both single, but I said "no".

I just wanted to wait and explained that and he agreed there should be a cooling off period after the end of a serious LTR.

I wasn't going to wait around without dating, so I am dating someone else.

It might seem cold, but I put all my eggs in the wrong basket a few times before and won't do it again. I just felt...

"if one day he is single and 100% clear on his decision to permanently break up with his ex, then he can take me on a date and see what happens"

I didn't see the point on going on a date before that. I know that when I broke up my own LTR for much the same reasons but still loved and missed the guy, we were back and forth with emotional phonecalls for months and it took probably a year for us to become "no contact" and move on fully. If I'd have met the perfect guy at that time I would not have been able to give him a fair shot because you need to let go of the past to look the the future.

I thought I was being sensible and level headed and I know he was very understanding and despite the flirtation he agreed with me.

Maybe he was right to delete.

I just deleted too...but I kept the address.

Laurierf I did delete. Do you think he didn't expect me to and he expected me to chase?

I was never going to do that.

I decided a while ago I'd rather date someone available emotionally than someone who wasn't regardless of the chemistry factor and right now I am enjoying dates with BF and he's simple and uncomplicated and looking for a relationship and at 32 I have learned that's just as important as chemistry. Also learned not to get entangled with someone, no matter how much I wanted to, if they were just out of a marriage or LTR because people need that "alone" period to come out of it healthily.

There is just this romantic part of me that would like to know if he ever wnated to find me he could. Would it be stupid to drop a note to his address with my last name? or asking for trouble?

Do you think he didn't expect me to and he expected me to chase?

I was never going to do that

Would it be stupid to drop a note to his address with my last name? or asking for trouble?

!!!

I meant I wasn't going to reply saying "please don't do this" etc. I just wnat him to have some way to find me if he chooses to.

Thanks for clarifying OP. The rebound relationship is a risky one so in that regard I agree with what he said. Nonetheless I still think he is expecting you to stay dangling.

Well then, I guess it'll be a shock that I deleted him as he suggested then :/

Bin his address.

Normal, decent, respectful person in this scenario: "as you're thinking that this relationship with this guy is moving onto the next stage, it's probably best for both our sake's we don't have contact - I'm not over my ex and our chats probably aren't appropriate when you're seeing someone else. If it doesn't work out, give me a call and let's see where we both are then".

Player: "I'm deleting you. I won't ever be able to get in touch with you again. You should do the same, because I don't want to cause you pain and we would inevitably fall madly in love eventually. Because our bond is so strong. So forget about me. By the way, here's my address."

Laurierf I agree that what he should have said is the first paragraph.

I am not sure what he was trying to achieve with the way he phrased / handled it though. Surely a player is trying to get you into bed / keep you there and deleting actually does the opposite?

It's pretty unfair on your boyfriend to be thinking of making sure this guy has your name (he doesn't know your name?!)

I used to keep channels open with my ex. I knew I was (finally) over him, when I didn't bother any more. He's the one I mentioned upthread, who still periodically tries to keep things open with me. He's the King of Right Woman Wrong Time. People throw around the term 'commitment phobe' - I genuinely think he is. But I'm now part of his excuses to himself not to commit to new people (because maybe I'm The One!). But, his previous girlfriends (maybe SHE'S The One!) were part of his excuse not to commit to me
He's not a bad man, just was a child in a hideous divorce situation.

This man you speak of may not be a player in a nasty sense. But he isn't into you. Not really.

If you're hoping he re-appears, be fair to your boyfriend and let him go meet someone who simply isn't interested in keeping a channel open for another man.

If I'd been in a relationship for a while I'd agree with you, but I hardly know my BF yet. 5th date this week, just had the excusivity chat and defiitely not had talks on the level that I had with this other guy. I am giving the relationship a shot because he seems great but I don't feel madly in love or anything - and I am also not ready to cross of the ideas of any other possibilities with someone else as that's way down the road from here.

If we'd been dating serously for a few months and spent a lot of time together and I still felt feelings for someone else then at that point I'd throw the towel in but for now I've got an open mind about both men.

I'm aware not all great relationships start out red hot so trying to keep that in mind.

You think the attraction I feel is limerence? I definitely don't have that for him...have had that before (can't eat, sleep, think) with someone who was not interested in me

byalake - sorry, but it seems to me that you are very vulnerable to this. I'm glad you made a sensible decision and turned down the FWB/ "girlfriend with no commitment" offer… now please burn the piece of paper you've written his address on.

Basically,if you think it comes down to timing alone. Do you wonder at why a man and woman, who for a moment in time were single, still didn't get pro-active enough to get it together, even though they felt that each other were 'the one'?
There is a difference between hoping someone is 'the one' and knowing it. You can only know it once you are in a relationship with that person, preferably I'd say living with them, doing bills, domesticity etc. You get on in that situation and start feeling it, and you may have something.
Now you come to what a stupid line he spun, but somehow it made you think maybe the same. Who would not be flattered by someone who thinks you're it after a few months chat over a 6 year relationship? Big ego stroke which will always make someone feel good. But it's words, I think you know this, you said no. I'm sure he has/had feelings for you but I think his head is in the clouds regarding you as he has not offered anything of substance.
You know his address, you could post him yours at any time with a 'get in touch when you are over her and ready for something serious again, otherwise not interested'. No harm in waiting a while to do that. Meanwhile, give your current date a chance, you can't flirt with one while with another.

I think that's what I'll do. I'll give it everything with the BF and see how that pans out, enjoy it and give it a 100% shot and if it doesn't work out I will slip him a note with my address and see what he does but give it six months or so. I think it's probably best for him to:

a) have time to heal
b) understand I am willing to walk away

and from my end I'd really much rather he came to me because he was over her, had done some healing, growing and worked though this and kept thinking about that girl he'd spent that one amazing day with.

I think those circumstances would be a lot fairer (on me) and more conducive to a balanced relationship than me getting involved with him in his current state of mind where I would be wondering if he was still talking to the ex, or if he was going to go back to her.

I do want the ball back in his court. Not comfy with it in mine.

I know all that "you might eb the one" chat is odd when you are just getting to know someone and have only spent a day together but the best way to describe it is that conversations just flowed so easily and felt so comfortable and so familiar and I often came away from a conversation thinking diferrently about something because he both made me laugh and smile but also challenged me a lot too.

That might seem ridiculous, and I didn't jump at it like a love sick puppy but constantly in the back of my mind was a nagging thought of "hmm...something tells me this guy is special and we should be together one day when the time is better"

I wasn't sitting there crying into my drink, but I was liking him more and more over time and I think and believe he felt the same.

You know his address, you could post him yours at any time with a 'get in touch when you are over her and ready for something serious again, otherwise not interested'. No harm in waiting a while to do that. Meanwhile, give your current date a chance, you can't flirt with one while with another

hmmm… OP's gut is telling her Mr Dramatic "is it." For as long as she holds onto his address, I don't think she's going to give current date a fair chance.

To me, he seems to be saying two different things.
On one hand, he has a feeling you could be "the one". On the other hand, you may end up getting hurt, like his current woman that he cant quite commit to.
It all sounds very intense, and I think that would make me cautious.

I do want the ball back in his court. Not comfy with it in mine

Why are you interested in being with someone who behaves like this? He could quite easily have put the ball in your court like a grown up: you have my number, I'm not going to call you, I'm not over my ex yet and you are moving to the next to stage we someone, so let's leave it at that for both our sake's. Who knows what the future holds but hope for the best for both of us.

Even if he isn't "playing" you, he sounds incredibly immature.

Of course I'm never going to write to him!!!

No… you're just going to "slip him a note" instead

I think you are WAY too hung up on the "time to heal" stuff, and time for getting over a long term relationship.
You sound like you try to find deepness and meaning and drama in things, tbh.

So you met someone and hit it off. Happens. It's lovely of course, but it's not that unusual.

How about, you write this one off because he's a drama queen. And you write off the fledgling boyfriend because (a) after 5 dates you should like him enough to not be day dreaming about Mr Drama and (b) simple and uncomplicated isn't a replacement for attraction.

Bin them both off and you have a chance to meet someone where there is attraction AND it's simple.

Stop with the projection! He doesn't need "time to heal" from being in love with his girlfriend, but not enough to marry her

Your lovely HONEST guy? The one who spent all night talking to you, and has told you it's inevitable you'll be together, and has given you his address? Well, lucky lucky his girlfriend, huh? He's an ARSEHOLE.
He loves her?
He's honest?
Can you IMAGINE how that would feel to her? To find out how he has behaved with you?

He doesn't need to heal, he needs to go find some decency.

Not at all, just don't fancy getting involved with a guy who's still talking to (or maybe sleeping with) his ex. That's not looking for deep meaning or drama, it's just not wanting to be a rebound for someone and get shat on.

She's his ex girlfriend and was when we met. He can talk to whoever he likes and doesn't make him dishonest or an arsehole .

I think if I'd started a thread on here about this man I'd started dating who'd just left an LTR and how I'd ended up hurt I'd be being told hat an idiot I was for doing that.........

Can't win...

byalake - as I said, I'm glad you walked away. You did the sensible thing. If it were up to me you'd also burn the piece of paper that you'd written his address on because he sounds like a twunt. It's not up to me though, so (sincerely) good luck with whatever happens!

I apologise for thinking he had the night talking with you when he was with his ex. I've re-read your OP, and realised I'd absorbed the bit about him getting back with her.

But... Still think he's a drama queen, and that you're attributing too much deep stuff into it.

At least you haven't fallen for getting dragged into his crap.

Except for thinking about giving him your name.

Just leave it - too much teenage angst from him.

I don't really see the attraction of Mr Drama, he's hardly in hot pursuit of you trying to convince you to give him a chance...and IMO that is what any normal man who fancied the pants off you would be doing right now.

All that "I think we'll be together" stuff sounds great and destiny-like, (again, IMO) he's actually saying "I reckon you won't get rid of my address and when my underhand tactic has worked and your relationship has ended I will have a much better chance of sweet-talking my way into your pants by showing you that I've 'waited' for you, because, destiny, woo".

He's a tool, he's trying to spoil your new thing and you would be wise to give him a wide berth.

He sounds like a knob. Stick with the guy you're dating. Delete the knob's number.

Well after all that he's texting me again, saying he'd not deleted me and he was silly to suggest it.

Now I'm very conscious he's dangling and have taken on board all you guys said and am not sure if I should tell him to not contact me again unless he wants a relationship (proper one) with me or whether to just carry on as friends as we were.

Neither, ignore him.