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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Difficult situation

96 replies

assiren · 07/07/2015 20:01

I'm a married mother of a 10 year old. I was never looking for another man. I'm telling my story because I'm in a very difficult position. 8 months ago I was traveling on duty back to my home country with the airline I work for. One of the staff onboard introduced me to the others and despite working in sales only the captain and the inflight manager knew me. One of the cabin crew staff tried to approach me but I completely ignored him. The captain onboard invited me for landing and I disappeared. The cabin crew member followed me till baggage claim and asked me to contact him with my contact details as he needed a contact in the sales department. I found it weird as he had worked for the airline for more than 20 years but I gave it little thought. The day after I emailed him my email address and forgot all about it. A few days later he spoke to me on Facebook and I found it quite innocent. He had his profile photo with his wife and I spoke to him. He has 3 children. One exactly my daughter s age and who will most probably start attending same school as my daughter in a year s time. We clicked on all levels possible but a month of constant talking, I started feeling very guilty in confront of his wife mainly and tried to stop everything. He left home for a few hours and decided to go by the sea to think. I was so distraught thinking I had found my soulmate and I d lose him but at the same time I was thinking we are both married with children and this has to end. We couldn't end it and on New Years Eve we met for 10 minutes and we kissed for the first time. In February after a huge argument we realized what the problem was. We had fallen in love with each other. Love declared, he confessed he was only being kept from doing the next move because of the children - all 4. I never asked him to leave his wife or children as I agree it would be too heavy for both sides-for both families. 9 months passed and we had a million of arguments and I tried to stop this relationship a few times but he couldn't cope (and me neither but I was keeping strong externally). We are deeply in love. We talk to each other like as if we be known each other for years. We talk to each other about everything - most of which we do not talk about with our partners as both sides show no interest. I am worried especially when I think if more years pass, if something had to happen to him and I can't be there for him. It kills us not being able to be together. He even told me once not to disappear from his life as it would kill him. We made love about 5 times but we meet at least twice, three times a month - even if just for a few minutes at work. He always asks me to meet outside of work but we are probably both afraid of what can happen. We both know it's not correct but we both know also we can't leave with each other. We tried being friends. Didn't work out. We don't want to hurt our families as trey are innocent in this but we found true love. I am lost, confused. I love this man too much. I don't know what to do anymore

OP posts:

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 07/07/2015 22:51

do you think your dh deserves for you to stay? do you think he deserves to be lied to?

firesidechat · 07/07/2015 22:51

Actually forget I asked. Not even sure why I bothered asking or posting on this thread.

WhoNickedMyName · 07/07/2015 22:53

you would not leave your DH? The choice may not be yours to make soon.

Give your head a wobble love, it's not a tale of star crossed lovers, just (in all likelihood) a serial cheater and a fool who dropped her knickers after a bit of Facebook flattery. I'd put my next mortgage payment on the fact that you're not his first, you won't be his last and you're probably not his 'only' at the moment.

I find posts like this, in this section of the site, disingenuous. if you want to end it, then end it - delete, block, ignore any attempts at contact, it really is that simple.

AuntyMag10 · 07/07/2015 22:56

All this will come back to you, and well deserved. Who do you think you are wrecking two families. There is the right thing to do if you are not happy. What you're doing shows your morals and values are so low.

lostinnormandieland · 07/07/2015 22:59

Your marriage is over unless you do the best to save it immediately.

What is it about your marriage that led you to seek this kind of experience?

It seems more about lust and thrill or is there something more solid. Once the passion dies what will be left?

What will you grieve about your marriage? What will your new life be like?
It seem you might need a break from this affair to sort your feelings out in counselling and maybe change jobs. Are you prepared to do all the work or is it already too late?

ChasedByBees · 07/07/2015 23:03

If your DH finds this out (and you only need to check here to see how easy that is for a partner to discover) he will most probably leave you and potentially take your child or you will have some form of joint custody. Whether you fought for him will be irrelevant. The only thing that will be is the utter disrespect you are showing now.

You are not some love struck teenager. Grow up.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 07/07/2015 23:05

my friend was the same age as your dd when her mothers affair came to light. she chose to live with her dad and it took years until she had a relationship with her mum although there is still a lot of underlying resentment

if you can bear to think of someone other than yourself - please think of your child

lostinnormandieland · 07/07/2015 23:08

I did have several crushes when married (did not act on them). In retrospect it kept happening because my marriage was already not functioning. I did not get support, emotional understanding... One crush in particular opened my eyes on my loneliness and I realised that I would have like to act on it. I then knew it was time to end it.

MummyPiggy87 · 07/07/2015 23:34

If you don't want to leave your DH then the answer you've come looking for is simple isn't it????

Let this fling go, tell your husband how stupid you have been and pray that he will forgive you.
You'll get over the OM once you've realised you've lost your family for him, I doubt you'll even want anything to do with him!

Original poster

assiren · 07/07/2015 23:43

I really appreciate straight in your face non sarcastic answers. I guess you understand that these are the answers that help people who have done stupid things like I did rather than insults. After all, you don't know what will ever happen to you, your children or anyone you love - calling someone with no morals and values shows your values too, And for all those who know the Bible: He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her. Thank you to those who tried to open my eyes with real comments and eye openers.

OP posts:

wafflyversatile · 08/07/2015 00:18

If you no longer wish to be in your marriage then you need to end your marriage (regardless of whether there is someone waiting in the wings) so you are free to pursue other relationships and your husband is also free to pursue other relationships. You are not free to pursue other relationships just now. You are married.

Same goes for this man and his marriage.

If you want to remain in your marriage then you need to cease contact with this man and rededicate your efforts to your marriage. If there are issues then you need to address them. If your husband is not interested in addressing issues then you may want to consider ending your marriage at which point you will be free to pursue other relationships.

goddessofsmallthings · 08/07/2015 00:23

By cheating on your dh you've chosen the moral low ground and only you can open your eyes and weigh up what you stand to lose and what you stand to gain from allowing this situation to continue.

SassyPasty · 08/07/2015 00:39

And for all those who know the Bible: He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.

What about that teeny bit in the Bible about not committing adultery? Don't use Bible quotes if you are just going to pick and choose to suit yourself. Morals indeed.

wafflyversatile · 08/07/2015 00:51

TBF that's what most people do.

Elllimam · 08/07/2015 00:51

Ok so you don't want to leave your husband and you 'can't' leave the other man? I really don't see why you posted then.

NerrSnerr · 08/07/2015 00:56

Um, it's nice quoting the bible but do you remember the bit about adultery?

Seriously, if you are going to stay with your husband then then you must cease all contact, hope you haven't caught an std and hope even more your husband doesn't find out.

My dad was a cheater like you, it tore our family apart. If you continue fucking another man behind your husband's back you will do the same.

PerspicaciaTick · 08/07/2015 01:07

You are not Cathy and he isn't Heathcliff. You are just a cheater trying to make your sordid affair sound grand and romantic, while keeping yourself at the centre of the drama.

Your OP doesn't ask for advice, the first lines read like a cautionary tale but the rest of it reads more like a stealth boast (ooh, get me and my life of passion and romance).

You need to talk to your husband and be ready to lose your marriage - anything less is deceitful and manipulative.

TheFormidableMrsC · 08/07/2015 01:10

My God OP, have you got no self awareness whatsoever? How could you be so hypocritical to quote the Bible yet you have been committing adultery behind your husband and children's backs? Furthermore, nobody is "insulting" you. We are all pointing out that you are playing a very dangerous game and you are clearly hugely unprepared for the actual reality of your disgusting behaviour being revealed and your infidelity laid bare.

Your attitude infuriates me. Come and spend 10 minutes with my children and see the damage that has been done to them by my husband and his mistress. You really need to wake up.

DorisDazzler · 08/07/2015 01:30

Typical dramatic cheater speak along with the denial of any responsibility. If your not cabin crew I presume you are the peanut lady. Or you can call it sales. Most of the female cabin crew would not have been interested in this letch. You should really ask yourself what is it about you , that made you grateful for his attentions when other people would have been offended.

Look Op , marriages break down all the time , in the big scheme of things a divorce is not the end of the world. If you love om like you say you do then go off and be with him. If your not willing to do that then get real. There's really no need for the bullshit about hurting your families or the naval gazing about soul mates. Acknowledge you enjoy the ego boost and the fucking but that he's not someone you want in your life on a permanent basis.

When your husband finds out you'll be all over him like a Jack Russell on a pork chop. More typical cheat speak will follow e.g. it didn't mean anything. We only kissed , he perused me , I was depressed ect. Be absolutely assured that he will say exactly the same about you. It's my opinion that people like you who post here looking for advice are simply seeking drama. They usually love to hear in particular from betrayed wives.

Ouchbloodyouch · 08/07/2015 05:38

So 'cathy' what are you going to do?

MrsDeVere · 08/07/2015 07:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buttonmoonboots · 08/07/2015 07:55

I stopped reading your original post as there's no helping someone who is so determined for it not to be their fault. It all just happened to you didn't it?

buttonmoonboots · 08/07/2015 07:59

Quoting the bible? Seriously? To object to people judging your adultery? Seriously?!

Honestly op you won't solve anything unless you start taking some responsibility instead of viewing life as something that just sort of happens around you.

Lovingfreedom · 08/07/2015 08:06

If you've had enough of your husband and you're in love with someone new, why not end it with the first and get together with the second? Then live happily ever after?

buttonmoonboots · 08/07/2015 08:14

She can't, Loving, she has no agency and has to wait for things to just happen.

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