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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Difficult situation

96 replies

assiren · 07/07/2015 20:01

I'm a married mother of a 10 year old. I was never looking for another man. I'm telling my story because I'm in a very difficult position. 8 months ago I was traveling on duty back to my home country with the airline I work for. One of the staff onboard introduced me to the others and despite working in sales only the captain and the inflight manager knew me. One of the cabin crew staff tried to approach me but I completely ignored him. The captain onboard invited me for landing and I disappeared. The cabin crew member followed me till baggage claim and asked me to contact him with my contact details as he needed a contact in the sales department. I found it weird as he had worked for the airline for more than 20 years but I gave it little thought. The day after I emailed him my email address and forgot all about it. A few days later he spoke to me on Facebook and I found it quite innocent. He had his profile photo with his wife and I spoke to him. He has 3 children. One exactly my daughter s age and who will most probably start attending same school as my daughter in a year s time. We clicked on all levels possible but a month of constant talking, I started feeling very guilty in confront of his wife mainly and tried to stop everything. He left home for a few hours and decided to go by the sea to think. I was so distraught thinking I had found my soulmate and I d lose him but at the same time I was thinking we are both married with children and this has to end. We couldn't end it and on New Years Eve we met for 10 minutes and we kissed for the first time. In February after a huge argument we realized what the problem was. We had fallen in love with each other. Love declared, he confessed he was only being kept from doing the next move because of the children - all 4. I never asked him to leave his wife or children as I agree it would be too heavy for both sides-for both families. 9 months passed and we had a million of arguments and I tried to stop this relationship a few times but he couldn't cope (and me neither but I was keeping strong externally). We are deeply in love. We talk to each other like as if we be known each other for years. We talk to each other about everything - most of which we do not talk about with our partners as both sides show no interest. I am worried especially when I think if more years pass, if something had to happen to him and I can't be there for him. It kills us not being able to be together. He even told me once not to disappear from his life as it would kill him. We made love about 5 times but we meet at least twice, three times a month - even if just for a few minutes at work. He always asks me to meet outside of work but we are probably both afraid of what can happen. We both know it's not correct but we both know also we can't leave with each other. We tried being friends. Didn't work out. We don't want to hurt our families as trey are innocent in this but we found true love. I am lost, confused. I love this man too much. I don't know what to do anymore

OP posts:
BIWI · 07/07/2015 21:06

Of course it's a game.

You both made a choice.

Neither of you cares about your families, you're just engrossed in your own dramas.

Grow up.

Original poster
assiren · 07/07/2015 21:08

I understand some of you are taking this at an extreme level but has it occurred to you that I tried to end it and wasn't able. That I wrote here because I need mature help and not raunchy book titles or 'Grow up'. If I weren't minimally concerned and in need of help, would I have had the need to write here?

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 07/07/2015 21:09

You can stop. You just don't want to.

Elllimam · 07/07/2015 21:13

Weren't able? You didn't want to. I don't know what you want people to say? Erm bugger his wife and three children and your husband and child and keep cheating? No one is going to say that. People will find out, your family will be shattered and so will his. You are playing a dangerous and cruel game.

DragonsCanHop · 07/07/2015 21:14

I would be deeply heart if my husband tore our family apart for a women who couldn't do paragraphs.

Original poster
assiren · 07/07/2015 21:15

Dragons - in which case a woman not a women

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 07/07/2015 21:17

To end this relationship all you need to do is stop meeting him and end all communication with him.

This might give you sufficient spare time to address whatever issues there may be in your marriage which have caused you to look outside of it for passionate sex.

sensiblesometimes · 07/07/2015 21:17

What is it that you want help with assiren :
Do you want :

  1. Advice on how to end the affair.
2 Advice on how to divorce amicably
NerrSnerr · 07/07/2015 21:18

If you can't stop then leave your husband. I don't know what else you want us to say.

You are destroying your family. What if your daughter finds out? (I did at a similar age).

BIWI · 07/07/2015 21:19

You are in charge of your own life, and your own destiny. No-one else is making you make these decisions. So yes, grow up.

BakeItOff · 07/07/2015 21:23

You're making it sound like this is something you have no choice about.

BOLLOCKS

You are both making choices at every step of the way. Choosing to completely fuck over your spouses. How fucking massively disrespectful, hurtful and utterly selfish.

This is not an Act of God, you are choosing to have affairs. Take some responsibility for your mess.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 07/07/2015 21:24

'i tried to end it and wasn't able'

you're an adult - of course you are able. you don't want it. start being honest to yourself and get realistic

and i can tell you now that trying to justify yourself on the basis of 'it was too strong - i couldn't stop' will lead to both your H and child losing all respect for you

BakeItOff · 07/07/2015 21:28

Also, these things rarely stay a secret. You will have to deal with this shit storm at some point.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 07/07/2015 21:37

true bake

my friend knew something wasn't right with his wife so one day he followed her and discovered her meeting her lover

your H will suspect something

you are also cheating your family/work out of precious time (that you are spending with him or mooning about him) and money (hotel rooms? romantic meals?)

SassyPasty · 07/07/2015 21:40

One of the most self-centred posts I've ever seen on here.

A classic 'couldn't keep my knickers on' dressed up as some sort of romantic star-crossed lovers tale. Why did you post? You aren't asking for advice Hmm

MrsDeVere · 07/07/2015 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alwayswiththechords · 07/07/2015 21:50

op this is a horrible situation for both families. You don't want to be the bad guy but you are. You cheat and lie and in the end others will end up paying the consequences. End the affair, then work on your marriage or walk out from it and work on yourself. Concentrate on your DC for a while. Anything else but cheat and lie and pretend like you can't help yourself.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/07/2015 22:05

I understand some of you are taking this at an extreme level but has it occurred to you that I tried to end it and wasn't able. That I wrote here because I need mature help and not raunchy book titles or 'Grow up'. If I weren't minimally concerned and in need of help, would I have had the need to write here

Extreme? Mature help? I'll tell you what, I am happy to give you the links to my threads on here that literally saved my life when my husband did what you are doing. If you want to read about the reality of the situation you are walking headlong into, please do say.

Other than that, show your husband and your kids and his wife some bloody respect. If I sound angry, I am...you have no idea of the pain people like you cause.

YellowTulips · 07/07/2015 22:17

We have given "grown up advice".

  1. Stop the affair and go non contact
  2. Tell your DH what you have done
  3. Move out to give your DH some space and then get some counselling
  4. Once you have this addressed your own marriage then think about another relationship
  5. Don't expect your OM will do the same (when reality dawns there is a fair bet he will cut and run)

The issue is that just isn't what you wanted to hear.

Alwayswiththechords · 07/07/2015 22:29

How about get some help from TV's own Dr Phil?

drphil.com/articles/article/127

Smorgasboard · 07/07/2015 22:35

Could you consider how you described your first meeting him? You say you ignored him and yet he pursued you, actively followed you, made sure that he had your contact details. Not the actions you would expect from a man who is married and intends to stay so for the children. Would you have gone to such lengths for a stranger no matter how fit you might have found him in passing at the time? His actions at the start tell you all you need to know. He sought you out, he was already up for an affair before he met you. Likely there were others before you, and quite possibly others at present. Because that's the kind of guy he is, the type that is very active with strangers. This didn't even start as a friendship that developed. Concentrate on that fact and just maybe you may realise that he is less attractive as a person. Be very careful, you may have fallen for someone who knew exactly what he was doing from the start. It may greatly suit him that you are tied by marriage and kids yourself. I think you will find that if you ended your marriage, he would not do likewise, whatever he claims. I urge you not to put trust in this man or base any big life decisions on him. Best objective advice I have, as never been on any side of this situation so I am detached about it. I think you are finishing frequently with him as deep down you know how hopeless this is long term. End your marriage if it's bad enough on its own merits only. Taking the OM out of the equation, would you still leave DH ?

WhoNickedMyName · 07/07/2015 22:36

tell him you're ready to move it to use next level, you're going to confess all to your husband and you want him to tell his wife.

watch the blood drain from his face, then you won't see him for dust.

staying for the kids - yeah right. he's probably fucking half of the cabin crew.

Original poster
assiren · 07/07/2015 22:41

No I would not leave DH. I fought for this relationship for 10 years and stopped fighting when he came in my life

OP posts:
firesidechat · 07/07/2015 22:45

I will never, ever understand why people having affairs come to relationships for advice/validation. With the best will in the world the sympathy will be limited (with good reason) and the posts harsh. I can only think of two reasons:
a) to assuage guilt by getting a good beating.
b) people having affairs don't post on mn.

firesidechat · 07/07/2015 22:49

No I would not leave DH. I fought for this relationship for 10 years and stopped fighting when he came in my life

I don't understand what this means.

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