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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Soaking Up The Warm Sunshine, Instead Of The Warm White Wine!

999 replies

Mouseface · 07/07/2015 18:56

Hi, I'm Mouse :)

Welcome to The Brave Babes Battle Bus.

A place for pouring out your heart without being judged, mostly because a lot of us have been exactly where you are right now, or somewhere similar.

We've been around for a while, so there's not much that we've not seen..... or heard.... or been through ourselves. Sad

Some of the Babes are newer to the Bus, some of the Babes have been here on dear old "Gerald" (The name this Bus was given by one of the Babes, I forget who now!I suspect IsinDe or Silver) for a little while longer!

EVERYONE is welcome here. Drinkers, those who are complete non drinkers, and those who are somewhere in the middle of all of the above. :)

Some Babes are in control of their drinking, some not so much. It's dreadfully hard some days, days when there is nothing going around your head except thinking that you MUST have a drink and you sit there trying to work out when, what time you can have that first mouthful of ice cold poison.

Whatever your goal here, or why you're here, we'll all help you along the way, YOUR WAY.

There will be one of us on here that can relate to your life story as if it were a mirror they were looking at, someone to hold your hand if you want it, catch you if you fall, which you may or may not. Positive thinking, just One Day At A Time.

No one Babe is better than any other, we've all been addicts. We've all suffered, yes some more than others but it's not a competition (and no-one gets turned away) but if you rack up shed loads of sober days, you will be a winner on the thread!! Grin

So, if you want somewhere safe to sit and enjoy the warming summer sun, come find a seat, have a chat or just sit and listen to the rest of us yakking on!! Grin

Nice to meet you :) all.

Also, here is the latest thread -

THE LATEST THREAD WE'VE SHARED OUR STORIES AND EXPERIENCES ON

And this is the very first thread -

AND THIS THREAD, THIS THREAD IS EXTREMELY SPECIAL BECAUSE THIS IS WHERE THE JOURNEY STARTED, AND HAS SINCE EVOLVED OVER THE LAST SIX YEARS

Hope to chat soon, Mousey x

OP posts:
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Sirenetta · 04/09/2015 15:23

Hi, this is my first time posting on this thread although I love mumsnet and have found a lot of help here through pregnancy and birth. I am 35, have a 2.5 yo DS and married to DH for nearly 5 years. I would describe my drinking as classic professional,educated "normal". Wine with dinner or a bottle of beer kind of thing in the evenings. I'm not sure if this has been slowly escalating or not. My husband and I only get through about 1 bottle of wine and a six pack a week, but we also have 1.5 margaritas each at Sunday lunch (an entrenched tradition with some friends). And maybe on average once a week I'll have drinks out with a friend too. I don't know that a doctor would say all this is too much, BUT ... and here's the thing... I have seen 2 good friends just my age (both men actually, but both people I really care about) go through big changes this summer. Both started out a bit overweight. One cut out booze, carbs etc and is just transformed. He has sparkly eyes, his skin isn't red, he looks 10 years younger and wonderful. He looked totally different in 2 months. The other one has just been in hospital with some mystery illness involving fluid around the heart. He looks terrible - bloated etc. I think he has serious and probably quite private drinking habits. I haven't had the nerve to say anything to him other than express concern, but it's really affected me to see this. And then meanwhile, I have started a new job a month ago and we are buying our first house. So many big, grown up changes for me ATM and 35 is sort of that kind of time I think - post young, pre 40. I notice that I get home from work and it's only 90 mins or less until DS is asleep. Such a precious time, and I looked at the wine in my hand the other night and thought - why am I dimming the dimmer switch most nights? What is that saying to DS? What would it be like just not to? And also, after 2 months would I get some of what my non drinking friend is getting? Would love to de-bag under the eyes, sleep better and so on. So...I had 2 pints with dinner with my husband last Friday and interestingly didn't have any of these thoughts. But over last weekend I just didn't drink, and then I thought - why not 100 days? I signed up for the Belle 100 day challenge and love her blog. That will be now until the week before Christmas. I think I can do it, but I have to say I have felt ropey since yesterday (which was day 5). Restless, having a hard time concentrating, body hurts . This is more disturbing just because it seems to tell me yes, you're addicted. Which of course none of us "normal" drinkers think we are. Whew! Quite a journey. I do need support and so I will be coming here. Thanks so much!

SmallFox · 04/09/2015 15:40

Hi Sirenetta and lovely to welcome you to the bus. Others will be along soon to say hello.

That's a great post - sums up so many things about drinking, about what we/society consider 'normal'. Personally, I think you are incredibly insightful to have thought all this over and reached these decisions - many people (me included, frankly, til recently) looking at your weekly alcohol intake would have said 'oh gosh, what's she worrying about, that's nothing!!'. But that is completely not the point - its how you feel, its the 'being controlled', its the dimmer switch thing (lovely image), its the taking back yourself. So, come join us and we will love to hear more from and about you. It sounds an exciting time in your life! And I hope your friend is ok.

I'm on day 4 again after clocking up a respectable 6.5 months or so AF earlier in the year, before attempting to delude myself that controlled drinking over the summer was viable. I'm now very clear that much as I would love it, controlled drinking and I are never going to get on (I know others can do it, and hats off to them), so I am now back AF - hopefully for the duration. Constant vigilance will be required! But I am feeling ok for now.

Pop - so sorry you're feeling so rubbish. You are strong, you will pick yourself up, and tiresome (patronising!) as it sounds, you will learn from it - hang in there babe. And Ma ... can I offer you an opal fruit? Sweet - tackling an IT interface thingy armed with hot chocolate rather than wine just rocks - as my DD would say, you should have the star of the day award, you legend you.

Anyone seen Khalisi recently? I miss her. And where has Wry gone again? I miss her too.

Sirenetta · 04/09/2015 16:07

Thanks SmallFox - makes all the difference that someone out there saw my post and really gets it. One of the funny things about this journey is going to be resisting talking about it to friends - worried about how that commits me to long term no alcohol (which I'm not ready to say out loud), also - would I be making them feel guilty about their drinking? And would it make them assume I secretly have been drinking far more? I just don't want to go there. So it's amazing to have community here. I guess when I'm out and order AF drinks people will assume I am pg - it will be funny to create intrigue that way - there are worse things that could happen. Thanks again.

evilpopstar · 04/09/2015 16:15

Sirenetta you are very welcome here and although I have only been on here for a few days it helped me get to day 4 before i lapsed. The lack of judgement here is just brilliant. Its great that you are taking these steps ten years before I did - well done! You will definitely benefit.

Sweet - thanks you make a good point about being present in the moment with DP my mind is just cant seem to compute going out for dinner with not drinking. Computer says no.

Fairenuff · 04/09/2015 17:03

I find that after the first non alcoholic drink, no-one is interested in why I'm not drinking. I just say I'm really thirsty or don't fancy a 'drink' drink just yet, or something vague and after that people are just interested in their own drinking.

snowball2000 · 04/09/2015 18:22

Pop, at this point I would've found going out on a birthday night impossible to do AF so good on you for trying. Don't be too hard on yourself, it was tough, you had a wobble but just get back on the bus again. I know what you mean about wondering how you could go out for dinner without drinks. Me and DP are planning a fancy dinner in a couple of weeks and I can't imagine doing that without a really nice glass of wine.

Welcome sirenetta. I'm new here too. Like you I don't want to talk to people in real life about my issues. I like this group, there is no judging and everyone is charting their own course with the support of the group. I'm just telling people in real life that I'm trying to lose weight after summer and that's why am not drinking.

Smallfox, 6 1/2 months was an incredible achievement, you should be really proud. It sounds like you have gained a lot of insight. Good luck, it sounds to me like you have the determination to see this through.

How is Friday night going for everyone? I've got in the diet tonic and I'm hoping to fool myself with that. This is day 9 and while that sounds like a good start I have this feeling of foreboding that it's all going to fall over pretty soon.

My story...I have drunk heavily all my life starting when I was a teenager then years of working in hospitality. I have three kids and always gave up when I was pregnant but other than that I have never gone more than a few days without a drink. At times has been too much and I've cut back but I've always had a tendency to have benders and drink to the wee hours of the morning with friends. It used to be beer, then it was wine, really it'll be whatever is in the cupboard. To most people I appear to have it together when I'm drinking. If I admit to being really drunk people say that they couldn't tell. But all the time I'm having blackouts. When others go home to bed I'll go home and see what else is in the cupboard and sometimes stay up to 3 or 4 in the morning. I feel like I'm not achieving things in my life that I should be, because oft drinking. I've missed parties, appointments and workouts because I was too hung over to go. My kids are getting older. One is well into his teens so if he doesn't know yet that I have a problem, he soon will. I can't deal with that.

My husband has had his issues with depression and self-medicating with alcohol so I haven't even really been honest with him about what I'm doing now. We've been going through a tough patch the last few years, and we are currently in couples therapy together. It won't be easy for me to go AF is he and a lot of my friends drink too much. My best friend is trying to cut back too so at least that's helpful.

Ideally I would love to come back to a point where the benders are a thing of the past and I can have two or three glasses of wine without kickstarting something I can't stop. But after all these years I just don't know if it's really possible...

catl1tterinmybra · 04/09/2015 18:52

Well, thank goodness that week's over! I feel like I've been pulled in far too many directions at once. It's day 4 here, and I'm knackered & dehydrated. The only thing that got me through was a big bag of chewy mints.
Welcome Siren, that was a very insightful post - alcohol has always been a crutch for me. I have anxiety that goes through the roof at times, and so it's a vicious circle at times. My parents were heavy drinkers at the age I am now, and from the moment I was old enough to drink in pubs, I went for it with gusto. I always drank pints, as I wanted to be seen to be equal to the lads (I've always felt the need to compete over the most inappropriate things!), which never really worked, as I'm so much smaller than any of the chaps I know.
I have a couple of groups of friends, one group is focussed entirely on alcohol, and the other group is very much more of a take it or leave it group. Unfortunately the group that DP inhabits is the boozy bunch, although he drinks halves, and doesn't really get drunk.

This evening I've avoided the pub, as in the frame of mind I was in when I left the office (rattled), I don't think I'd have been much company. I can drink soft drinks and chatter away quite happily, but not today - too knackered!

Right, I've had enough of all this wittering on about me me me - what's everyone up to this fine evening? I'm finding new music on Spotify to load onto my phone before a train journey to DM's tomorrow, drinking fizzy water - I'm so goddamn thirsty!!

textilehermit · 04/09/2015 19:24

Hi to all the babes tonight!
i feel ashamed, i only joined the bus a couple weeks ago, only posted twice - then was embarrassed after not having made it to day 3 AF Sad well i've just come back on here a had a trawl through the last 14 days and you've all lifted my spirits greatly, its comforting to hear all the stories sad/funny/challenging - the lot.... this thread is truly a godsend
welcome sirenetta your post was really true, i feel you about friends transforming and looking so good from being AF, when i look in the mirror these days i feel i look 10 years older than i am, bloated and ill, which of course can make you feel like downing a bottle then and there! and also the admitting to friends thing.... i find whenever i've tried to talk to friends about my concerns about my drinking i'm quickly told i'm FIIIIINE and the fact i recognise i'm drinking too much means i don't have a problem??!!! errrmmmm yeah right!!! Confused
so it is indeed refreshing to come on here and be understood better.
hi snow i too have been a midnight cupboard rambler on occasion! if i've had a particularly stressful day.. when everyone's gone to bed i can definitely end up watching some obscure documentary on iplayer til 3am while nipping some old bacardi or whatever left over from christmas - basically anything that won't be missed! ugh
well done on day 4 cat you've inspired me to get a fizzy water on the go pronto!

catl1tterinmybra · 04/09/2015 21:10

Welcome Textile - I too have hopped on & off the bus on a few occasions - I think the longest I managed AF was 4 days Blush. I can nearly feel a boing brewing, but that might just be the gas from the fizzy water - 3 pints I got through this evening!

Snow - how's the tonic water? 9 days is a brilliant achievement.

Oh yes, the midnight drinks cupboard rambling - I never had one until a couple of years ago, and I only used to buy in what I was going to drink that evening, so there was no temptation, but that's changed now, and I just have to ignore it. No point depriving DP just because I've not no off switch. Better not to have that first drink. Which sounds oh so simple, doesn't it? Good thing we know better, otherwise this bus would never exist.

Only problem with all that fizzy water is I currently have a cat sat on my bladder, and I really should move, but she's such a limpet, and it's really nice - all my other cats have been so old when I got them they were past the age of being cuddle monsters.

catl1tterinmybra · 05/09/2015 07:21

Good morning all - I’ve had a good sleep and a few cups of tea, and have had a chance to properly read the last few pages - the last few days have been lost in a bit of an exhaustion / dehydration fug.

Sweet - I hope the child shaped aberration has reverted back to sweet child form now he’s had a couple of days to get back into the swing of things. At least he gets a lie in today. Oh, and what on earth is it with cats & boxes? We have a top loading cat crate for when they have to go to the vet, and both of them jump straight in, because the crate is a box! I’m assuming, given the scratches that adorn us after a vet visit, it’s not because they enjoy going to the vets.

IT student interface platform thingies sound like something out of an odd sci-fi movie - I don’t think I much approve of this brave new IT world.

hope - How’s the ankle holding up? No more bum shuffling up the stairs, I hope!

April - what nice thing are you saving up for next? I need some inspiration.

Mouse - how are you doing? Thanks for your lovely intro for us newbies :)

AnneBoleyn - did you kick the WW firmly in the shins last night? Her tits are so saggy you’d probably have caught a nip while you were at it

Beaches - DP asking me to buy wine would have probably set me off too, especially yesterday!

Ma - howyadoin? Did the shopping orders result in a decent haul, or comedy shopping purchases which will require serious kitchen dexterity to convert into something resembling a few balanced meals? I asked DP for tea bags yesterday - he managed that, but also came back with half a litre of ice cream. I’ve let him go wild in the aisles a few times, and the freezer is full to the brim of random meat & fish in sauce that we never eat!

Snow - hope the session with the counsellor went ok & didn’t interfere with your bus related plans.

Popstar - whilst I wasn’t celebrating a birthday on Monday, I felt just like you did yesterday on Tuesday - I properly had the sweats & thought if I coughed I might throw up. Worst thing was that the second I got in the office, the big boss collared me about some random stuff I did to help out while every other bugger was on holiday - it’s apparently turned into a big thing, and so it all needs completely re-fiddling with. I don’t think he got a particularly enthusiastic response. Hope dinner with your DP went ok - these things can go one way or the other with a stonker of a hangover

Sirenetta - how are you getting on? For me, 100 days sounds so many! I’m just focussing on September, for the time being. DP thinks I’m just doing a fortnight to reset myself after a particularly boozy month, but we’ll see about that. We’ve got a get together with my less boozy friends towards the end of the month, and I’ve offered to drive. Keeping up mentally with them is so much easier sober - the conversation moves so fast, in so many bonkers directions, it’s actually better being with them when sober.

Textile - how did the fizzy water go? Sometimes I put a splash of orange juice in, other times I have it neat, and if I really feel like pushing the boat out (!), I buy a bottle of diet ginger beer (Tesco’s own brand has a good kick, unlike some of the other own brands, I’ve found).

Bloody hell, that was a bit of an essay, I wanted to check in with everyone who’s been posting the last couple of days, whilst I had read everything, I didn’t have the brainpower to acknowledge everything, and all your words have kept me going. Day 5, off to DM’s - she’s tea total these days, and DB will be there who either drinks everything or nothing, but he’s driving this afternoon, so it’ll be nothing for him, so all should be well. Might take some tea bags with me, as I have a strange feeling there will only be decaf in the house, and a gal can only deal with one vice at a time (I vape in the loo at DM’s, cos she doesn’t know I used to smoke Blush ).

Have a good day one & all - I think it’s time for another brew (where’s the smiley for boggley-eyed-too-much-caffeine-crazy-lady?).

dementedma · 05/09/2015 08:12

Great post cat . I am in awe of posters who remember everyone's name and what they are up to personally. I had two glasses of wine last night, wasn't enjoying it so stopped and was in bed by 9.
Shopping was fine as he is given a list and a meal plan and has to stick to it, which he did pretty well. Mostly because we are completely fucking skint and there is no wriggle room for flamboyant shopping!

lookingforhope · 05/09/2015 08:58

Yeah I second that Cat Smile... Have a vision of you typing at the speed of light there (maybe due to all that caffeine GrinBrew )

Foot much better today thanks after resting up yesterday. Can make stairs again which is good as one disadvantage of bum shuffling method is that I can't carry a cup of tea up to bed Sad. By the time ds remembered to bring it, it had gone cold Angry

Nothing much planned this weekend as didn't know if I'd be able to walk / drive. What are the rest of you all up to?

evilpopstar · 05/09/2015 09:14

Hungover again here but not as bad as yesterday thank The Lord. Had half bottle over dinner then too much in pub and more back at home. Seem to get into a mindset where I think that because I've had a day or two off I can then drink to destruction on the other days. Not a great strategy. Too fuggy to give you all an individual hello so here is a mass hello to all and hug for weekend restraint. I've also got an autumn cold. Might have to get DP to take DD to football although I do enjoy watching. Think might be too thick headed.

SweetLathyrus · 05/09/2015 09:33

Morning.

Hope, find a good film and make the most of not being able to drive or walk.

Ma, stopping was good, are you up for an AF day today?

Cat, I'm not sure which is worse, grumpy DS I can just ignore, or chirpy DS who is currently wittering nonsense at me about Emu Wars and the plural of moose, and expecting me to respond!!

Siren, welcome to the bus. If it is bothering you then it's a problem. Those benefits you saw in your friend are not a one off, they are there for all of us who managed to stay AF. I prefer not to have a specific target, in terms of days, because I obsess too much on what that means, and it keeps thoughts about drinking at the front of my mind; but that's just me. Keep on posting and you'll get there.

Hermit, you need the bus more than ever when it's tough. Don't hide my lovely, even if you're sitting in the sidecar for a while, stick with us.

Happy Saturday to everyone else, Snow, Beaches, Faire, Anne, Pop, Mouse, April, Spanna, Venus, Khalisi, Wry, Small, Joey, Isinde and any other Babe I've forgotten.

I'm Pup training this morning, I haven't done quite as much homework as I should have this week, so it might be a struggle. Then tomorrow, I have a seven hour sea fishing trip with DS. I generally enjoy them once I'm there, but I could think of dozens of other things I'd rather spend Sunday doing.

SmallFox · 05/09/2015 09:37

Morning all. Lovely post, Cat.

Feeling huffy - was looking forward to my first non-hungover Saturday morning in quite a while and woke up feeling...hungover. How unfair is that? Have felt fine if sleepy every morning this week, but today is the day that the toxins-last-stand decides to kick in and make me spotty, thumpy-headed, grouchy and downright irritable.

The kids have been very sweet, playing nicely on their own for once, periodically conspicuously shouting 'aren't we good, letting Mummy and Daddy have a lie in WE ARE NOT DISTURBING THEM'. Love them so much...as Siren said yesterday I am determined to get through and enjoy today with them without a dimmer switch...but for now, caffeine and paracetamol. Doesn't feel like much progress from this time last week, but hey, onwards and upwards.

Hope, glad you're feeling better, Pop - take care of you. You're so self-aware and articulate and I do honestly think that understanding the rationale behind each individual's drinking triggers, patterns and desires is a good bit of the battle.

catl1tterinmybra · 05/09/2015 09:44

I'm on the train and NOT drinking Shock !!! I can't remember the last time this happened. Nicest thing is I'm in first class, as there's a little known weekend thing whereby you can upgrade to first class on the train for not a huge amount of wedge.
I'm trying not to boogie too much in my seat, as I don't want to look too much like a crazy lady - I've had another couple of cups of tea since my last epic post! Talking of the epic post, Ma, the trick is to open a word document (or whatever word processing thingy you use), and write what you want to there, then copy & paste it when you've caught up on everything you want to catch up on. I can't imagine that working terribly well on a tab, mind you.

There's a chap sitting diagonally opposite me drinking a can of lager. That would have been me this time last week Blush .

I may have made a schoolgirl error with all this train stuff & excess tea, I need a wee, but really don't want to have to lug my laptop into the bog with me. Hum. Only an hour to go. I wonder if they sell tena on the refreshments cart?

evilpopstar · 05/09/2015 10:34

Ha ha that made me laugh cat. Am beating myself up here for feeling so shit and idle on a precious familybsaturday morning. Birthdays shmirthdays. Sea fishing - wow!

Fairenuff · 05/09/2015 12:18

Small hang in there, that BOING is just around the corner for you. Maybe tomorrow morning you will wake refreshed. Just getting the tail end of the toxins out now, then you will be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Grin

Hmm sea fishing. Definitely not my cup of tea but can't think of a better reason to avoid a hangover, those two would not go together well at all. Bleurghh.

Sirenetta · 05/09/2015 12:23

Good morning ! (I'm in the U.S. tho originally from UK). Getting through the first Friday night of this was tough! My mother in law got out the wine when we all sat down for dinner. I told her I'm off it for now and she said oh good for you, let's all not have any then. It was very sweet and genuine but I felt a bit bad. After dinner I would have slain DS for some sugar and was climbing the walls. Found myself at local doughnut shop getting some "for breakfast" (well also for last night). But I did not drink !!! Happy Saturday to all.

aliasjoey1 · 05/09/2015 12:30

Morning babes didn't manage Sober September, cracked on Day 5 (will have a think about those triggers later) However am quite please that I stopped after a couple of glasses of wine - although that was partly because I didn't like the wine Blush

Actually after opening the bottle, I poured the first glass down the sink (knowing I wouldn't be able to drink a full bottle - but it would be much harder to throw it away later on) Yeah it is a waste - but better to waste than be wasted right?!

How you doing ma looking sweets fox and everyone else ?

aliasjoey1 · 05/09/2015 12:34

okay got a problem with DH, am worried he is up to something. He went to a works do last night, came home really irritable and grumpy (blamed it on 'tiredness' ) this morning still very silent and acting like he hated us all, didn't want to be with us.

This sounds awful but I wouldn't be too shocked if something was going on, maybe I wouldn't even care Sad but I can't stand the not knowing and the misery of him, he sucks all the joy out of family life.

God I feel bad saying all that.

SmallFox · 05/09/2015 12:43

Joey you ok babe? Sounds a bit peculiar all round - really hope you are alright and am not at all surprised you had a drink yesterday (and good on you for pouring it away - I like that first drink down the sink strategy!). I was really shocked once in a previous relationship to realise I wouldn't much care that my partner might be up to something (and actually subsequently quite disappointed to discover he wasn't - like I had somehow forfeited the moral high ground I'd climbed on to) - screwy all round. But this is much more serious and horrible for you, I am so sorry - are you going to ask him what's up, or is he just not in the mood for that?

Hmm...I am realising that weekends without much of a plan (pottering round generally with the kids) are a massive trigger - I have been pretty desperate for a drink since 11am, haven't felt this kind of pull towards the pinot grigio (or frankly, even the cooking sherry) since Tues. Alarming.

Fairenuff · 05/09/2015 13:00

joey you sure he just doesn't have a hangover?

sirenetta perhaps instead of taking a bottle of wine to dinner, you should turn up with dessert from now on? (Or just keep a supply of sweets in your bag).

Small it's that internal dialogue (the wine witch whispering in your ear) that might trip you up. Stop it now. Tell that voice that no way, no how, you are NOT going to drink today. Maybe tomorrow, but not today. Say it like you really mean it and she should slink away x

Have a hot chocolate instead Brew

And keep posting if it helps.

aliasjoey · 05/09/2015 13:04

I have asked and just get the same answers back- hes tired, fed-up with the weather, worried about money, bored...

Underneath that, I expect there is another layer that he wont admit to: he wants sex, hes ocd about the house, he gets irritable with DD.

But I wonder if theres another layer under that about something else. And part of me would prefer that, because i dont like what he is right now. It would be easier if he was bad-tempered because of another woman rather than because DD is a perfectly normal hormonal teenager.

SmallFox · 05/09/2015 13:58

Thanks, Faire - that was yummy hot chocolate and your good strong words really helped. Funny, isn't it - this bus is always funny, wonderful and wise, and you pretty much always find what you need - but sometimes a few words at the right time really hit home and yours were what I needed today - thank you Flowers

Followed up the hot choc with an emergency Becks Blue and that seems to have done the trick. Though an afternoon at the garden centre may undo some of the good work..

Joey, hang in there, wise lady.