I've just cancelled our wedding

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I'm devestated. Move posted before, about my dps in laws & tbh I Can't marry in to it.
Dp has been working a second jinx
He can't afford to pay for any of it still, he just can't raise enough money between now and November and was on about chipping away from the equity in the house. My inheritance from my father.
Thing is, I've already paid 23k worth of his debt off.
Paid for the house.
Paid for the furniture.
His 12k car.
Everything
Everything
And I refuse to pay any more.
I've paid entirely for the wedding and just wanted him to contribute that last bit.
I'm hurting so much right now
I just want to leave
I have dd down stairs crying because we've argued and I just can't hold myself together any more
I'm so upset
I wish I didn't have to cancle. I'm so embarrassed to tell everyone.
Please someone just help me realise I've done the right thing

you don't need to tell all the family yet. just so long as it's cancelled.

You can't keep this to yourself and your sister will understand. Can you take a day off work and go and see your mum and sister? I'm thinking that you don't want to give him any more opportunities to try to persuade you to change your mind.

I'm sorry, there's a lot here to reply to and I've been up all night crying. Pathetic,I know but I'm so overwhelmed.
I have a mortgage on the house, have 70k of equity within the house (would've been a lot lot more if I wasn't so silly and bailed him out so much)
But, dd is 2, I can't work and pay childcare and a mortgage and bills. If she was 3 and got funded childcare it would be a lot easier.
"D"p went to his second job last night and when he got home tried to get in bed with me! I basically told him to fuck off and laid it on the line about how let down I feel, how stupid I feel and what an utter disappointment he is.
He's a very good dad- but he's faield with money and his daughters mother. If I think of the affect he's had on me, hes a useless dad because he's had such a detrimental affect on his daughters sole carers mental well being.
Today- I got up with and walked around the kitchen sobbing (trying to hold it in and failing) I couldn't see because of the tears streaming everywhere and "d"p has de used to work from home so I can sleep and he can put dd's new big girl bed together. I love her so much and she deserves so much more than this.
I can't tell my family now, I've spent 3 years battling alone so I'll just hold out a few more weeks until things are less up in the air regarding new babies in the family. I don't want to taint this lovely time for my sister.
All I wanto do, is curl up on the sofa with dd and watch Disney all day, but she's had a couple of days at home due to deliveries and workmen needing to get in the house ( a mouse has chewed through our washing machine pipe) and she won't sit still for anything.
I don't know where to go from here.
"D"p has said last night whilst I was ranting about how he's fucked me over that he'd do anything to make sure I could stay in the house, but he can't afford to pay for 4k of a wedding and pay a mortgage and bills, not even working 2 jobs so no idea how he plans to pay the mortgage, bills and run his own accompdation- apparently he'd work more
I don't want to rely on him, financially- what a silly idea.

He's not going to change my mind. I don't have a choice in this. How can I stay with him? How could i? He's made my life livings hell for so long and I want my life back- desperately.
Fact is tnough, I don't have anyone to turn to at the moment. My mums looking after my nephews and my sisters heavily pregnant/ about to give birth, my other sister is useless and selfish and doesn't have a second thought for anyone but herself and would never drive to see me (ive lived here 8 months and she's come once but I've gone to hers about 10 times) and my friends aren't good enough friends for this kind of stuff.
Truth be told I need him to take dd today before I have a total melt down.
I haven't passed my driving test yet (end of this month I take it) so can't just go and see someone.
I'm buggered.

My dad would be sickened by the arsehole.
He was a gentle man but he deffinitely would be marching me and dd back to his right now. That's kind of what I need someone to do!

If the wedding was 4 months away are you liable for the full cost or can you forfeit a cancellation charge and save some ? What can you get a refund on? Failing that try eBay etc. Is EY funding for 2 yr olds available locally which might enable you to work part time.

Allow yourself time to get over the shock of this realisation and consequences but also ensure you keep control of finances and the house. Can you make an appointment with a solicitor to go over the house agreement and also look into tax credits etc.

Could you confide in your dad?

You are NOT pathetic. Far from it. Tears are natural - you're mourning a relationship that you wanted because you've faced up to reality

Sadly the dream and the reality don't match

Where are you chuckit? I'm sure there are mnetters near you that could help xx (I'm on the very outskirts of NW London if that helps) xx

I cancelled my first wedding. It was heart-breaking but absolutely the right thing to do.

to you op xxx

Holy fucking shit

Erm, I hope you don't mind Chuckit but I've just had a look at some of your other threads

I just don't know what to say. You know you referred to yourself as pathetic? Well that couldn't be further from the truth. Look at how much you've had to put up with, not least from mil. God almighty you're well out of it lass xx

Oh Op I think I recall your previous thread. Takes a lot of guts to cancel and you have done the right thing. You would have had a lifetime of similar crap.

Taking the stand to cancel this wedding will completely change who you are. You will be a stronger woman and that will stand to you forever. You will feel your backbone grow stronger your head will go up and you will be some mighty woman. Don't let yourself get overwhelmed. Take one step at a time. Don't beat yourself up over the past. You are a kind person who was happy to share so let that go. But no more. Not one penny. Keep posting. Everyone is behind you. And do share with people. They will amaze you how helpful and supportive they will be. Your dd will grow up with one gutsy mom who had the courage to take a big stand. You will be OK. You will come through this.Tears are normal. Don't panic.Really rooting for you.

Rtft LIZ

Rtft LIZ

So sorry OP

You're well shut of him. Run and don't look back.

I'm sorry

Make sure the suppliers don't return any refunds to him!

Where is his money going if you pay for everything? Even if he earns a little, why did he rack up debts?

Your life will be better when your excellent saving skills are benefitting you and your daughter. Xx

It's not pathetic to cry over the loss of your dreams. You've put your heart, your soul and a fair bit of good hard cash towards a future that just isn't going to happen because, as you've found out, half the foundations were built on sand. You'd be a hard-hearted creature indeed if that didn't make you cry.

What would be pathetic would be letting it all happen anyway, now that the bubble has burst; popping your rose-tinted spectacles back on and pretending to yourself as well as everyone else that it's all lovely. You can't unlearn what you know, but you can do yourself a nasty injury trying to twist reality back into the shape you first saw.

Annie is absolutely spot on. In fact, be proud that you had the intelligence to recognize that it would be wrong to marry and the courage to put a stop to it.

Sweetheart, I'm probably closer to your mum's age than to yours. I have a married son and another one who is going through some problems and needs my support. Although my DS2 is taking a good deal of my time and effort right now, there would still (and always) be room in my heart and my mind for DS1 if he were to need me. In fact, I'd be upset to think that he didn't tell me, even if I couldn't do anything to help him other than tell him I loved him. Tell your mum. It may be that she will be unable to come to you right now, but you will feel better just knowing that she knows. And it may very well be a relief to her to know, if she is aware of how he's taken advantage of you.

Oh, and I wanted to add that I knew in my heart that marrying my abusive ex was a big mistake. I knew it and still did it because I didn't have your courage. Even as I was being walked down the aisle, even as we were taking our vows, my mind was screaming 'turn around and run!!'. It would have saved me so much pain and heartache if I had listened to myself!

There's nothing wrong with being sad. But remind yourself how courageous you are.

Thinking of you x

in the long term it will be far cheaper ending it now than marrying him and then divorcing in the future.

He isn't the man you and dd deserve.