MIL and birth: what to do?

[notagain15]

With our 1st child, we had problems; MIL came to the hospital, during delivery, uninvited. And then turned up the next night, our first at home, when we'd asked her to stay in a hotel (saying that of course she'd be with us for later visits; we welcome her all the time). I got distressed at her being there. She's a v bad guest. DH took her side: she must stay; how dare I make her unwelcome, etc. He wouldn't speak to me for days...

So, due again very soon. (More fool me, you might say, but MIL conflict is our only real marital problem, so i'm prepared to work at it.) My parents have now moved locally. To take the pressure off, they offer for her to stay with them, to help entertain 1st grandchild if we're at hospital etc. I pass this on. She's hurt & angry: 'No, I won't come if I can't stay here; i'm not excited this time anyway', etc. DH, despite helping come up with the plan in advance, sees her reaction and again says I've been cruel to her and is barely speaking to me. I don't want to say 'stay here' but, equally, around the birth, I won't be able to deal with the stress of DH being an arse because he's feeling sore about his mum so wonder about the path of least resistance. Any wise words?

By the way the compromise we came to is that the IL's are renting an apartment for the first week they're here (which is now, my due date is today) and my dad is away for the second week so allowing them to use his house in his absence. Win win, suits everyone. The IL's can pop round when it suits everyone, they get to meet the new baby, just as my mum will be able to (she lives about 2 mins away in the opposite direction to my dads house). The only person 'excluded' is my dad who has to work abroad for the 2 weeks after my due date!

Nobody is excluding the MIL. Not as far as I can see.

The OP is saying that she does not want her as an overnight house guest whilst she is getting to know her new baby, adjusting to the new dynamic of family life, and last but certainly not least, recovering from whatever type of birth she has to have. She has not said that MIL cannot visit them, just that it should be in manageable doses. It is fair enough.

With our first baby it was just DH and I at home with her immediately after I came out of hospital (following a horrendous birth with all manner of complications). A day or two later my parents and sister did come to visit, but they booked themselves into a hotel, quite unprompted by me. It was still several more days until my PIL visited because they had been staying at their property abroad and needed to book their flights home. Once back in the UK, they then visited for an afternoon and then drove themselves home again same day (their choice, and our then flat was too small to be comfortable for all of us). All fine, and DH did all the running around, making tea, coffee, food etc.

With my second and third babies the only person I had my mum staying at our house because she was looking after the older two whilst I was in hospital. Once we were all home, MIL and FIL again drove down for an afternoon to visit.

It wasn't an issue for anybody, and all offered me their help for as long as needed after each birth. I didn't have to have any of these debates, and nobody actually had to be told. Nobody behaved like an arse or threw their toys out of the pram.

Stick to your guns OP. Perhaps the idea of taking yourself, toddler and baby to your own parents' house after the birth may have something going for it.

Oh, and by the way, "DH" for dickhead can sometimes be appropriate.

your dickhead is an accurate assessment
another vote for staying at your DM's until your DH decides he wants to be with you and not his mummy

If she says she's not excited this time (WTF?!) I would say 'ok that's fine, let us know after a few weeks if you have changed your mind and want to come and meet your grandchild'

I think the OP's dh needs a clear choice - either he supports her, and prioritises her needs above those of his mum, or she will go to her parents now, and will let him know when the baby is born and she is ready for visitors.

I know that sounds really harsh, but if he is going to side with his mum, not the OP, and is happy to risk her being stressed and unhappy during what should be a really happy and peaceful time, so she can recover from the labour and birth, then I think he is risking forfeiting his right to be at the birth.

She ignored requests not to stay, turned up uninvited, and when challenged this time throws a strop and says she's not excited this time anyway.

She's behaving like a child. Her behaviour last time would be more than enough for me to exclude her this time, too.

But really your problem is your husband, who persists in taking her side. Tell him to jog on and pass it on to his mother.

Your issue is your husband.

Are your own parents supportive?

I would be tempted to tell DH that MiL will be staying elsewhere otherwise you will be staying with your parents when you get out of hospital.

He is acting like an absolute arse.

OP, you're not only giving birth but you have another child to think of as well, and no matter how much help you'll have, it's different second time round and you'll be doing more with your older child as well as the newborn. SO, even more reason for you to keep the situation as you wish it to be and not feel uncomfortable.
Sure your DH feels he's trying to please his mum but you should come first (well you and his kids).
My ILs were here to help in the house and with our toddler. They were no help at all in the house but good with the toddler. It was chaos when we arrived home with the baby, but my DH had the sense to ask them to leave the room whilst I fed the baby and had a cuddle with my toddler and they had the sense to know when it was time to go home. Giving birth is never a walk in the park and you need to make things as manageable as possible.

I would sort out the practicalities around this issue and when everything settled, take a bit of time to consider the silent treatment you received first time round - that must have been awful for you. I hope your H is more supportive this time.

Firstly, print this thread off and give it to your husband.

Secondly, email/text your MIL and tell her that she is more than welcome to come and visit the new baby every day if she likes but that you do not want guests staying over and have been advised by your midwife not to do this if you don't feel happy about it. (Talk to your midwife first if you like - I'll be my bottom dollar she will say not to do anything in those first few weeks that puts you under additional pressure)

Finally, tell your DH that if he insists that his mother stays over than you and the children will stay with your parents for the duration and when she is gone, before you return home, you will need to have a discussion with him about whether in fact you are coming home.

OP the man needs to grow a pair and should not hesitate to tell his mother to back the fuck off. Without you having to explain it to him or beg him to do so and definitely without you having to consult the MN Oracle. There is nothing unreasonable with you wanting things your way for a few days when you are GIVING BIRTH which, as we all know, is a big deal and it's about mummy getting the support she needs and NOTHING TO DO WITH keeping MILs or anybody else happy. If you can't manage to convince him of this fact then I agree with those who suggest you and DC1 go to your parents' while you get yourself back on your feet.

I agree with Anon4Now, print off 2 copies of this thread, roll them up and shove one up his arse and the other up hers.

What is it with bossy MiL .... there must be some on here who do this? Anyone answer why you would? OP my PIL came stayed for a week, did feck all ... toddler was out on the road as they were supposed to watch her and didnt ... too busy taking pics ... I felt on tenter hooks the whole time ... dont mention the lid down on the loo moment with serious stitching ...ffs

"but MIL conflict is our only real marital problem, so i'm prepared to work at it".

But she will not. This above thinking is you coming from a nice family. Your DH's family are not like your own family of origin; his are dysfunctional. You may be prepared to work at this (I would not as it will be a wasted effort) but you cannot ever reason with who is at heart an unreasonable person. Its her way or no way as far as this MIL is concerned. You also had problems with her with regards to your first child; history may well repeat itself.

Your other problem here is your DH; he is spineless when it comes to her really. His primary loyalty should be to you and his own family unit. Presumably he is acting like this as well because he is far more afraid of his mother (far more than he is afraid of you) and still seeks her approval on some level.

You need to ask your DH who he cares about upsetting the most; you or MIL. Because he has to upset one of you.

My DH did not get this for years. He tried to sit on the fence trying to please everyone. You know the old "it's between the two of you - I'm keeping out of it" routine.

He finally realised how disloyal he was being to both of us, really.

He was brought up to believe whatever demand MIL made, she must never be thwarted. He was gobsmacked the first time I just politely refused. I don't think it had ever occurred to him that he could do that.

So, l would lay it on the line. Yes, his mum will be upset if she doesn't stay. And you will be upset if she does. Who is he going to upset? (But make sure you remind him that he originally agreed to the plan for her to stay with your mother, and that in this situation, you are the one who will need lots of support, not MIL.)

Sorry but I am absolutely lol'ing at straightpubes' dickhead

OP a few ideas-

Can you speak up MIl directly, very firmly. Caught off guard and without your dickhead* to run to and cry she may be more approachable

If you do this and she goes crying to dickhead* you need to be very calm and clear- "what exactly about our conversation has upset you so much?" "What exactly do you want me to do, allow something I am uncomfortable with during labour and recovery just so you don't get upset? What would you like me to do, exactly."

Finally tell your dickhead* that no one has the right to be at the birth including him and if he is going to cause you stress at such a delicate time rather than support you, he's off the delivery ward too. Suggest he waits at home with his mummy.

*not auto correct

Put your bloody foot down and tell your DH straight, if she stays again, your bloody leaving and staying with someone who actually cares.

Atilla I agree with you. But what is the OP supposed to to about this?

Christ on a bike, I'm just appalled at the number of threads on here where people are trying to barge in on deliveries or stay for weeks immediately after birth. What's is wrong with these people??

Op, your husband not speaking to you for days after giving birth is appalling. Truly appalling. The silent treatment is a very cruel form of bullying and controlling behaviour.

You have a DH issue. He needs you to support him. How would he like it if he had a painful colonoscopy, or pile surgery and your mother came in for a ringside seat (no pun intended...) is he aware that stress in labour can lead to stalling?

No one is excluding her - she can stay at your parents place. That'd be better for her anyway - she gets adult company while you are all bonding as a family, she gets to see the baby daily etc.

If she insists on staying with you and your spineless mummy's boy capitulates, you leave the toddler with them and stay at your mums. And any silent treatment nonsense I'd be thinking of packing my bags. Go awaken your Inner Pregnant Hardass and put some boundaries in place.

I mean you need him to support you...

Utterly agree with earlier posters - take the kids, go stay with your parents, and your husband and monster in law can take a flying leap. How dare they pressure and bully and harangue you during a time like birth and the immediate aftermath.

I'd loudly and publicly tell anyone who is even vaguely related to her that she is not welcome, has NOT been invited, will not be, has been pointedly asked not to come etc and so on so that she has zero fallback when she is barred from the house.

Your dh sounds like a fucking wuss, a pathetic, spineless weed. I bet your respect for him is pretty low to non existent right now.

So your DH was involved with the plan, tells his mother and then because she has issue with it throws her toys out of the pram he projects his feelings of guilt/inadequacies onto you blames you and is quite vile with his use of words

Not on. Not on at all.

His sulking I agree is a form of control. I can see it now, he gives you the silent treatment; after sometime, You probably end up internalising that it was actually your fault....and you probably then apologise.

What are you going to do OP?

I see it that you have a few options.

1. let MIL bamboozle your plans and let her do what she wants, just because it's easier for your DH.

2. speak to your MW and warn the hospital that there are to be no visitors. When you return home, let MIL stay with you. However, spend your time upstairs.

3. Firstly, follow number 2 and then stay with your parents

4. speak to your DH. Telling him (not asking), that yes he is the father of this child but it is you who will go through labour etc. He either mans the fuck up and supports you, or he can stay at a hotel with MIL, until you have recouped after giving birth.

As others have said, your problem is that your husband is an utter arse.

In your shoes, I'd move in with my parents before my due date, ask dad to provide the childcare and mum to be the birth partner, then return to parents' home. You need to be looked after, not bullied by your own husband.