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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL and birth: what to do?

80 replies

notagain15 · 07/07/2015 12:45

With our 1st child, we had problems; MIL came to the hospital, during delivery, uninvited. And then turned up the next night, our first at home, when we'd asked her to stay in a hotel (saying that of course she'd be with us for later visits; we welcome her all the time). I got distressed at her being there. She's a v bad guest. DH took her side: she must stay; how dare I make her unwelcome, etc. He wouldn't speak to me for days...

So, due again very soon. (More fool me, you might say, but MIL conflict is our only real marital problem, so i'm prepared to work at it.) My parents have now moved locally. To take the pressure off, they offer for her to stay with them, to help entertain 1st grandchild if we're at hospital etc. I pass this on. She's hurt & angry: 'No, I won't come if I can't stay here; i'm not excited this time anyway', etc. DH, despite helping come up with the plan in advance, sees her reaction and again says I've been cruel to her and is barely speaking to me. I don't want to say 'stay here' but, equally, around the birth, I won't be able to deal with the stress of DH being an arse because he's feeling sore about his mum so wonder about the path of least resistance. Any wise words?

OP posts:
YouBastardSockBalls · 07/07/2015 13:26

If your husband had just pushed a person out of his genitals, would he want your mother in attendance?

Thought not.

Tell him them to get to fuck.

nottheOP · 07/07/2015 13:26

Backforthis yep, I read it. If the roles were reversed and she wanted to have her distant parents stay after the birth but the husband refused, this would be okay?

I do understand them not being in the delivery room, it is her bits and pieces that are going to be on show but I don't get refusing family entry to the house to visit when a new baby is born.

Original poster
notagain15 · 07/07/2015 13:27

Thanks all for encouragement & suggestions. I see from this I need more confidence to feel it's not normal and I don't have to put up with it. It's really helpful to have that affirmation when I'm a big self-doubter at the best of (non-pregnant!) times.

Toodleoo / Phoebe; glad to hear it went better for you 2nd time -- gives me hope.

It's helpful to read NottheOP too because I think that's similar to the feeling DH & MIL have and that made me doubt myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
notagain15 · 07/07/2015 13:28

nottheop: I certainly didn't try to refuse entry to the house -- just staying overnight.

OP posts:
dollius · 07/07/2015 13:28

Oh what a load of rubbish, notthe. The DH hasbnt just given birth, isn't bleeding all over the place, in pain and trying to breast feed. You might be happy to share all that with your inlaws, but most women would not be. New mothers need time and space to bond with their babies. They shouldn't be putting up with stressful situations like this.

YouBastardSockBalls · 07/07/2015 13:28

I don't get refusing family entry to the house to visit when a new baby is born.

To visit, perhaps.

Not to stay over as a houseguest.
Rtft

littlejessie · 07/07/2015 13:29

NottheOP - the OP isn't trying to favour her family over her dh's.... she simply does not want someone barging in on her while she's giving birth and then manipulating their way into living with them for the first days at home. Totally not an unreasonable position to take! It's HER birth - she chooses what happens during delivery, and in the few days afterwards, not her Dh's mum.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 07/07/2015 13:30

She's not refusing entry to the house, she's refusing to let her stay at the house immediately after the birth, while offering perfectly adequate alternative accommodation and allowing daily access to the new grandchild!
FWIW I wouldn't have either my mum or IL's stay.
When we got home from the hospital with DD we were exhausted, overwhelmed and wanted some quiet time with our brand new baby. I was establishing breastfeeding. We were bonding as a family. Excited visitors for an hour or so, fine. Someone staying at the house? Not a chance.

PhoebeMcPeePee · 07/07/2015 13:31

NottheOp - great if you have the space for guests & they're helpful. However for most of us that means sharing a bathroom (not ideal when needing regular toilet visits for breast & sanitary pad changing), your living space being constantly occupied (establishing feeding IME required more boob flashing than I'd feel comfortable doing except alone/with DH) or having well-meaning but out -dated advice about caring for newborns that a new mum simply doesn't need 24/7

Mypubesarestraight · 07/07/2015 13:32

I don't know how you've put up with your Dickhead OP Flowers

Mypubesarestraight · 07/07/2015 13:33

Sorry! My autocorrect keeps changing dickhead to dickhead

nottheOP · 07/07/2015 13:33

I've rtft. I suppose it depends on the in laws. I was quite happy to spend a good amount of time BFing in bed watching TV and passing on the baby for cuddles when I wanted a shower or to sleep. I put them to work!

I am only trying to view it from the H's point of view - I can see why he is disappointed or hurt that his family are being excluded. My IL's wouldn't want to stay elsewhere either. I'm not trying to piss people off!

Mypubesarestraight · 07/07/2015 13:33

FFs D H!

I give up. I'm not calling your other half a dickhead I swear Blush

dollius · 07/07/2015 13:34

Oh god sharing a bathroom! Imagine that first poo after birth being interrupted by FIL knocking on the door to see how much longer you will be. This is stuff of nightmares, frankly.

WhoNickedMyName · 07/07/2015 13:34

I think DH standing for DickHead is quite appropriate in these circumstances Grin

Rosieliveson · 07/07/2015 13:34

I absolutely hate posts where mothers and mothers to be are made to feel awful about birth arrangements. I despair even more when I read about unsupportive partners, inlaws and parents.
In this instance I would

  1. Tell DP that labour, delivery and initial recovery are certainly not a sideshow or theme park attraction. There is nothing he can go through that could compare. Vaginal bruising, piles, stitches, cesarean wounds. milk coming/not coming, lochia, skin to skin contact etc etc etc are not really designed to be shared!
  2. Inform all family and potential visitors that no arrangements will be made prior to birth to 'see how things go' but calls will we made as soon as visits are possible. I'd also say you will have a strict no house guests rule but people are welcome to stay nearby and entertain themselves when not with you. If anyone is put out then so be it. Don't end up the only person put out as you are actually the only person who needs the most comfort at this time. If partner isn't supportive then make these calls yourself. Be firm.
  3. Our labour ward has a strict no waiting rule for anyone other than birth partners. You could also pop this fib in and ask the hospital staff to turn away ANYONE who appears.
Good luck ThanksBrew
nottheOP · 07/07/2015 13:35

As an aside, I couldn't cope with the silent treatment from a partner at any stage in a relationship but after a baby he should have let it go. It is all hands on deck.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/07/2015 13:35

NottheOP - yes, it is his baby too, and yes, the whole family is entitled to be excited, BUT the needs of the new mum must come first. Where the extended family is willing to listen to the new mum, and to consider her wellbeing, then there is no problem in them all being involved.

For example, my PIL came and visited me whilst I was in labour, and visited again when ds1 was only 4 hours old, then took Dh home, made sure he had a good meal and sent him to bed (I had been in labour for nearly 38 hours, so he was knackered). They also went to our house whilst I was in hospital, ran the Hoover round,,and filled the freezer with easy meals for us - and the waited to be invited over to spend time with us.

I have a good relationship with my PIL, and I know that, if I had said, "look, I am about to flake out - do you mind not coming today/can we cut the visit short?" they would have understood completely and would have done as we asked. They'd probably have asked if there was anything to do to help, but they wouldn't have pushed in if we didn't feel up to visits.

But if the relationship between the new mum and her ILs - or between the new mum and anyone else in her life who's likely to want to be involved in the early days, and if their visits are going to be stressful and upsetting, then the new mum should be able to say she doesn't want them around until she feels able to deal with them.

Importantly, this is not her arbitrarily denying anyone access to the baby - they have done it by their bad behaviour.

paxtecum · 07/07/2015 13:36

I usually think some MNetters are over the top by refusing visitors for two etc, but op, you do have a problem.
I would be inclined to go and stay my my parents and give birth on my own.

dollius · 07/07/2015 13:37

FFS, the MIL is NOT being excluded! Stop making stuff up! Are the op's parents staying with her straight after the birth? Are they going to be present during the labour? No, they are not.

FlopIsMyParentingGuru · 07/07/2015 13:39

I'm afraid I would be taking myself and the baby to my parents in this situation.

User595994944 · 07/07/2015 13:44

NottheOP - my in laws also live abroad. After one week or three weeks I would have welcomed them. A few hours after the most traumatic experience of my or DH's life - after they'd been asked to wait to see how the birth went before driving over - not so much.

Barging into the delivery room or insisting you have to be there the minute after the baby's born - univited - as it's only 'fair' as the mother's parents live nearby, is not the same as what you are describing in your case.

My MIL only cared about getting her hands on the baby at the same time as my mum. She couldn't have given a shiny shit about me. I really don't see why it should be all about not upsetting the MIL.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/07/2015 13:44

NottheOP, perhaps you skliffed over the part of the OP which said "She's a v bad guest." I read that as MIL expecting to be waited on rather than being willing to be 'put to work' as your ILs were. How would you have felt about that?

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 07/07/2015 13:45

But she's not excluding the MIL! How is allowing her to come round for a couple of hours every day excluding her? My parents live 2 mins away and although they will be more than welcome to visit they definitely will not be coming for an hour or 2 every single day!

Didiusfalco · 07/07/2015 13:49

i think its appalling that your H would ignore you when youve just given birth to his child and are in a heightened emotional and hormonal state. Really dreadful behaviour by him.
Your solution of Mil staying with your parents sounds incredibly fair and balanced and puts all grandparents on the same level - I dont see how anyone could think otherwise.
Your H needs to get a grip and sort out his priorities.