Torn over leaving my bi-polar partner who I have a 1 year old DD with...

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My DD is 1 year old. During my pregnancy and the whole last year her Dad & I have been having very regular blow-ups - recently involving physical aggression from him towards me. He is slightly hypomanic and un-medicated bi-polar at the moment. He is aware of it but doesn't really manage it in that he doesn't see the mania coming and adjust his lifestyle accordingly to try and head it off and avoid drugs or stimulus etc...
He went away on a stag weekend recently and took drugs & didn't sleep & our baby wasn't sleeping either so we were both just frazzled (him self inflicted so no sympathy there) so we ended up having a big misunderstandng / crossed words in the early hours of the morning whilst our baby was crying & he couldn't handle it and took his aggression out on me. That was kind of the last straw for me...I thought..But it's complicated. His Mum talked me down from leaving because she convinced me that we were both just driven insane by the sleep deprivation as our DD hadn't been sleeping well for months.

I am still feeling awful about our relationship though..I'm not sure it's fixable...I feel too much damage has been done & I'm afraid I don't love him anymore. But in some ways I really do. It really is like loving two different people in the same man sometimes. It's not just a case of "Oh he's a dickhead, leave". He is capable of all within the same day being the biggest twat & also lovely ??!?!
I think though it might be the hardest thing ever but maybe better in the long run to separate. Devastated at the thought of it though because it is SO not what I wanted for us or our DD. I am completely torn over what I should do....on one hand I feel like my patience has completely run out & that he has said and done too many horrible things to me. I was trying to be patient as there was always an excuse like "he's stressed" "we haven't been sleeping because of the baby" "it's normal to argue when you have a new baby" "maybe it's my hormones" "maybe I've got post-natal depression" etc etc. But on the other hand when things are good they are really good and we really do have a great time together & with our baby...we are a great team and great parents to her even if we do disagree on some fundamental issues ie smoking...
I know that when this manic phase passes he will be really down and really really sad to have lost me and my DD who he absolutely adores and is the best most present Dad to.....And I will feel horribly guilty for making a big decision whilst he is manic and not just being more patient or more understanding. But I feel like I'm giving all my patience to our baby and I don't have any left for him anymore...I feel like I can't go on in a relationship where I get little to no emotional support or understanding and yet am expected to GIVE so much to him. He won't take medication...which I kind of respect as he is low on the bi-polar spectrum if you know what I mean...he doesn't do crazy crazy things when manic except erratic driving, erratic moods and temper, very poor reaction to stress, loses focus on work and gets distracted with different projects and seeing loads of different people, drinks more, smokes more etc. And is just harder to live with and exhausting for me. We also argue a lot anyway and it's worse when he's manic. He becomes snappy and defensive about any tiny thing, especially if I'm perceived to be trying to curtail his fun like suggest maybe he doesn't go to this party or that party or suggest maybe he gets a good amount of sleep tonight or suggest maybe that a certain business idea is maybe a bit risky etc.

I am also just scared and totally unsure what to do to actually separate from him. We are currently having couples therapy with a really good therapist and are 2 sessions in....but I really feel I wish I was living separately to him and in a way I wish we could have a fresh start and spend some time apart to take the pressure off and get to know each other again & see if there's anything left. I need him to try and manage his illness better though & through therapy I am trying to make him see this. He says he wants & needs boundaries & structure & to be grounded by me but he resents me when I do impose boundaries and structure! On one hand he is very aware of his illness but he is not aware of the effect it is having on our relationship & how he needs to make some changes FOR GOOD if he wants to manage this without medication ie. not taking drugs on stag weekends. He is so stuck in his ways and 15 years older than me that I worry he doesn't want to and can't change, even when his relationship & daughter is on the line.

I don't want to disrupt my DD too much and I don't have any bloody money unfortunately as I have been at home with my DD for the last year, breastfeeding still...and have no savings or anything. I guess I could get housing benefit but I fear it'd be hard to find a decent place with a landlord that takes housing benefit in this area of London. I could move down the to the countryside to be closer to my family (they don't have anywhere for me to stay unfortunately) BUT I want my DD to be close to her Dad and see him all the time....I don't want to take her away from him and my MIL as they are so close.

Any advice about all of it would be SO appreciated. Thanks.

you are normalizing his violence towards you as you think you are somehow to blame. you believe him saying it is your fault to a degree.

you need to talk this thru with someone.
you need to tell your gp or hv.
speak to womens aid.
report the next incident to police.

you are playing with fire - fine for you but not for the child.
and it only takes small shove or push to seriously injure a child. imagine you are holding her next time. or he throws something which whacks ehr in the head "by accident" incidentally.

your child can see him if he shows he can be stable. and he is managing his addiction/mh

that he was brought up smoking dope is no excuse, nor is it a reason for you to bring up dd in the same environment. is that what you want? that she grows up thinking this is normal family life?

get you and dd away then reconsider the whole set up from a position of safety.

He does remind me of my Dad growing up and I'm sure I am a seeker of drama and of people to care for or fix...I know my issues - it's classic !

Do you mean that your dad was physically/verbally abusive when you were growing up? Or did he have MH problems?

It's good that you recognise you are a fixer - but now you need to take the next step and STOP trying to fix him, because he doesn't want to be fixed.

He says he doesn't want to lose you, blah blah blah. Words are wind.

He won't go to the doctor
He won't take medication as then he wouldn't be "the real him" - so he is happy being this violent, aggressive, manic arsehole
He won't stop taking hard drugs on benders
He won't stop drinking
He won't stop smoking dope
He won't accept responsibility for his actions, instead saying "you made me do it"

He is not going to change. He has clearly shown you that.

I think you should call Womens Aid and ask for their advice and help. It can be easier to get through in the evening.

I wouldn't bother speaking to his family as it all sounds incredibly dysfunctional, and I would suggest that his mum smoking dope while breastfeeding him may well have had a bearing on his mental health. She sounds as fucked up as he is, and as far in denial. Don't trust "trad" doctors. Dear god. I bet they are anti-vaxers as well, right?

your dd is young enough that any disruption will mean little. far better you move disrupt and protect her now than wait for her or you to be seriously injured or harmed.

And after what you've said about being born and bred smoking dope all his life, with his mother smoking it whilst breastfeeding and then going on to smoke it himself, I would put money on it that this is why he has depression and mh problems. It is much more likely that his ups and downs are to do with long term drug abuse than bipolar.

It will have had an affect on his brain, just like a chemical condition would.

Not that that makes any difference to the fact that he is physically abusive with you. He's choosing to do that regardless of mental health. 5 years of counselling before you met indicates that there is an ongoing issue with depression and anxiety for him. But again that does not mean he should be aggressive in any way at all.

It really comes down to deciding what is best for your child. Living with him is not acceptable for your child. You say he would never hurt her, but once upon a time you thought he would never hurt you. Would you have got into a relationship with him if you knew that down the line you would give him a child and in return he would grab your head, cover your mouth, throw you on the bed?

UNfortunately, he is likely to hurt your child. For me, I put up with lots of physical abuse thinking it was my fault and I must try better not to annoy him. I never thought he'd hurt her. he said her never would. But, gradually he became more and more abusive with our child. I didn't realise it was happening, lots of it came out after, because he did it when I was not around. He frightened her to get her to sleep, he was aggressive with her when he was telling her off - swung her by her arm. I was mortified when I found out and have never forgiven myself for not sorting it out earlier. The more she walked and talked, the worse he was with her. That's probably how it will play out for you if you stay with this man.

Ehric loves the brothers -- my first concern is not social services obviously... All I'm in interested in is not making a mess for me daughter & to keep on good terms with him for her sake... If I make a complaint about domestic violence then I'm worried someone somewhere will say he is not allowed to see her which would be awful for them both & I'd feel so guilty. I'm not sure if you've ever been in my situation but it's not black and white it's complicated & needs to be dealt with sensitively & in a considered way to get the most calm & amicable outcome I would have thought ? That's what I'm concerned with. I am not worried about her safety. He doesn't look after her on his own anyway even now other than to take her for a walk in her pram or take her to his Mum's or to his friend's house round the corner for a visit. Or to the local stay and play place where there are people all around. I'm not putting her in a dangerous situation I barely let her out of my sight!

If I make a complaint about domestic violence then I'm worried someone somewhere will say he is not allowed to see her which would be awful for them both & I'd feel so guilty.

That is unlikely as contact is usually granted even in cases of DV but it may be supervised access only - which from what you say is pretty much the case now anyway, sadly (but probably a good thing for your DD.)

However, if you make a DV report prior to leaving him and social services are brought in from a child protection point of view, then my understanding is that they are likely to ask you to make changes to protect your child, probably by kicking him out.

I strongly suggest speaking to Womens Aid to talk through your options. They have dealt with so many cases like this and will be able to advise you in detail.

I have type one bipolar.

I have the most amazing DH in the world. I love him to pieces and he loves me. We've been together for over a decade and he's my best friend.

If I stopped taking my meds, he would leave.

Bipolar isn't a condition you can just ignore. He needs to take his meds, stop taking drugs and get a proper support system set up - psychiatrist, or CMHT or regular GP visits. He needs to deal or it will only get worse over time and your DD doesn't need that. I think he needs an ultimatum. Sort it out, or you're gone.

Midorichan .... You're right... I would finish whatever little prick dared lay his hands on my daughter... I feel like crying even thinking about it. I don't know why I am trying to normalise it. Just find myself in such a weird situation with mixed feelings. And fear of not knowing the next step, of making a big irreversible decision. As much as he has hurt me it is not in my nature to want to hurt him by taking away my love & taking my daughter away from him. I know every single person is right in what they are saying about the situation. I have to tread carefully & do things right by my DD though. I want to keep good relationship with my MIL as she is such a big support & my DD adores her. And I think my DP might be even worse at an ex-DP unless we stay on civil terms so I need to just write him a letter I think explaining why I want a trial separation. Then we can talk about it with therapist. Then we can decide practically what to do and who is going to live where. Probably him living with his mum for a bit.

Can I just add- my father was/is bi polar and he wrecked my childhood. The up and down moods (I now have trouble reading people and we all tend to over analyse) the aggression towards my mum and eventually us. He fractured my brothers skull (she didn't leave), set fire to our house when we were asleep (ditto) stole from us, threatened suicide. They divorced after 30 years and I am deeply traumatised by what happened to me and us all.
I wish someone had saved us......

Errr.... This guy has not been diagnosed with bipolar. He's seen therapists for depression but he has not been diagnosed with bipolar.... You need to stop thinking he IS bipolar just because you have read the MIND website.

All I can see is you making excuses for him and desperately trying to find an answer that fits to absolve him of responsibility for his abusive behaviour so that you can cling on to your idea of what family life is meant to be like. It's a just a dream that you cannot have with this man.

I'm pretty sure that's why Ehric is trying to explain that SS involvement would be for the whole family, not about him getting in trouble.

Of course he may have bipolar and not just be an abusive twat who you already don't trust with your baby (but you claim to not be worried he'll hurt her?) but if he had a diagnosis then he'd be an abusive twat who also has a diagnosis of bipolar. Still an abusive twat.

You need to just stop making excuses for him and step up and get things in place to ensure you and DD are protected from him.

You are not qualified to diagnose him and you can not fix him. As soon as you had your daughter 'managing' your partner ceased being your priority. Even if his aggression doesn't escalate to your daughter, staying in a volatile relationship is very damaging to her because a threat to her mother, is a threat to her. Any agency with safeguarding responsibilities will view your situation as unhealthy for your daughter and will expect you to safeguard her and staying doesn't demonstrate that.

It's time to let go of this project and invest your energies where they will benefit you and your daughter the most and that's not in a self medicating mentally disordered man, who does not take responsibility for his behaviour.

The red flag isn't his mh issues, it's his inability to take responsibility and your mothering only enables this.

iseten - I completely agree. It's not up to me to diagnose or to make him go and get diagnosed or to figure out what his mental illness may or may not be. This situation right now that is volatile to varying to degrees pretty regularly is not stable and it's not a good environment for my DD or me. I have been kidding myself that we could sort things out before she is old enough to notice the rows (we rarely to never ever raise our voices or have rows in front of her) but I'm sure she can already feel the atmosphere or especially feel when I am stressed as we have such a close bond. I am stressed a lot of the time. And my relationship is the source of this stress. The main thing that has upset me & that is dysfunctional and wrong is that he will not take responsibility for his actions, he dismissed and ridicules my feelings and although he is willing to go to therapy with me I feel I don't have the energy to continue unless he will accept what he has done, how he has been behaving and realise that he needs to treat me better and set a better example of how a man should treat a woman for our daughter. Even if she doesn't actively see any of what's been going on...she will. I have no energy left over for thinking about what I want...What I want for my live...to work on creative projects or think about going back to work or have confidence in myself...all my energies are focussed and drained by this awful relationship situation which I cannot see a way to resolve or heal unless we are away from each other. Unless he gets the shock of his life & decides on his own to make a change and sees on his own the damage his actions have done and how disrespectful he has been. At the moment he is unwilling to accept that and like you said it is because I have let him. I have put up with this behaviour and therefore given him a way to not blame himself...I'm enabling him to not take responsibility like you said. I really think this therapist will be good for him & he will keep going even if I don't go with him. I think it's very important at least that he is in therapy. And he knows that.

Are you sure his bipolar diagnosis is correct? Doctors tend to use it as a catch all at times. Tell him he needs to see a doctor again for the sake of your child. Even if he is bipolar that's no excuse for violence at all. Lots of people are bipolar and don't act violent. Personally I'd leave as you deserve better

His aggression has escalated and trust me, you do not want you or your daughter to be around when it escalates further. So what are you going to do?

Five years after my DD watched her father attack me, she is in therapy dealing with flashbacks and the subsequent crap he has put me and her through. We are incredibly lucky having amazing professional support but her father's incredible selfish behaviour continues and at just eight years old, she has to learn to come to terms with the person he is and not the person she or I, hope he could be.

The time to act is now, before it escalates further.

OP, you seem very insightful and articulate, how about putting this to good use and finding out how you would go about leaving, in a safe way, by contacting Women's Aid, the police about any further violence (even 'just' pushing or whatever) and talking with your health visitor?

I honestly think once you have got out of this situation, you won't look back and you will wonder why you put up with it for so long. He's dragging you all down with him.

agree with isetan and others. he does not have a formal diagnosis so you simply cannot call him bipolar. and if he was diagnosed properly you would know what meds he should be on and he would have support form community mental health team/psychiatrist (not just a therapist)

i naively thought that explaining to my nowexp in "family therapy" why we needed to separate would help it to be a nice amicable thoughtful calm exit...

he just refused to believe it was happening. when it became clear it was, he became more anxious and aggressive. don't drag it out or write to him or explain in therapy.

plan an exit, pick up your dd and go. leave him a letter and let his family and therapist deal with the fallout. go no contact for a week or so let him jump up and down and scream to others... you need to be away from him already when you telling him you separating trial or otherwise.

leave him with instructions to go to GP/therapist etc.

your DD will really be fine if she doesn't see daddy for a couple of weeks while he gets to grip with the whole idea and realizes what he stands to lose. then, you can start with supervised visits in public place for a while. while you assess whether he getting help and a diagnosis via psychiatrist or not. and if he really is bipolar, or if he is prepared to follow a proper model of getting help if he genuinely is bipolar or whatever (and not just addled with dope).

So, OP, time to take control and do it. All very well talking about sensitivity and so on but he's taken the piss for long enough. I honestly think he has brainwashed you into believing that the way he 'deals with things' ie lives his life entirely as he pleases, is the best way. You seem very scared of actually standing up to him and saying, no, this is not ok, not normal and not what I want for myself or my child. And that is the crux of it.

I think you need to tell someone to make it real for you. Make some plans but swiftly move this along and go. The therapy may be good for him but doesn't sound remotely geared towards you or you as a couple.

From what you have said I think he likes the way he is and the way he lives life. I'm sorry to say that I would be very surprised if he makes any lasting change when if you leave.

I have made an appointment at the local children's centre on Monday morning to talk to the CAB person there to see me benefits and housing options. I am going to call Women's Aid too. I already posted yesterday that I have been looking at suitable houses in the countryside near where my parents live and where I grew up and the estate agent there told me that if I was on housing benefits I would have to pay 6 months rent upfront which would be £4000....That kind of disheartened me as I couldn't find that money. Maybe once my Dad knows I am leaving he will help me with money in the short term to get me and DD set up somewhere. And I know DP will help somehow, he has said he will. But he wants me to stay in London so he can see DD obvs....But he said he would understand if I wanted to be near my parents. I think it would be better for me and DD to stay in London really as I have work opportunities here, friends and lots of baby friendly places to go etc.
I just need to wait to talk to DP until after I have got some advice, so I feel confident that I have a plan, and until after DD's birthday as my whole family is coming up to London this weekend for her birthday and some are staying with my MIL so I can't cause a whole scene whilst they are here & I just want to celebrate DD's birthday...then I have MOnday appointment with CAB then Wednesday appointment with therapist....Don't know whether to talk to him before, after or during appointment with therapist. We are still sleeping in the same bed...not talking about anything serious just small talk & talking about DD. Haven't kissed or hugged in a week or more probably although randomly he kissed me on his way out the door today. He knows something is up. As he made a comment yesterday like "You don't want me"...kind of a jokey but the truth comment.
I am also going down to the countryside on the 18th for a week to housesit for my friend in her lovely house with DD - was supposed to be going with DP too but I've said maybe he shouldn't come as he shouldn't really miss a week of work...so maybe that week is a good time to have initial space and no contact...? I just know I can't keep up with not talking about anything serious for very much longer - the birthday this weekend will be a distraction but I can tell he knows something is different & what do I do if he asks me how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking??

you could tell him that you are concerned about him and would like him to book an appt to see GP and get referred for his ups and downs. that you want him to look into getting help for his addiction.

I'm not sure if you've ever been in my situation but it's not black and white it's complicated & needs to be dealt with sensitively

Actually he sounds a lot like my dd's ex. I am even very fond of him despite his violence, but I would have disowned my dd and asked social services to remove the child if she had not left him. No child should have to grow up in a situation of domestic violence.

Your partner has serious problems, keeping quiet protects no one, least of all your daughter.

Talk to your parents about the reality of your situation it needs to be out in the open. How would you feel if your daughter was living with someone like her father and she didn't tell you? Telling your parents gives you a separate pair of eyes that would keep you accountable and focussed on getting out.

What you do know is his behaviour is escalating, what you don't know, is what to and when. Getting out and getting out quick is your priority over everything, including birthday parties.

We had a conversation about separating last night after a pretty hopeless therapy session yesterday. I said I had tried but I've had enough and as far as I'm concerned since he was aggressive to me a month ago, the relationship had been over for me & I cannot forgive him. He was angry at first and said that I always blame him for all our relationship problems and stormed out of the house. Then he came back a few hours later after having dinner with friends but leaving...He then was very upset and said he is sorry that he didn't handle it very well earlier and that he worries that he is not capable of giving what anyone needs in a relationship...he says he knows I'll find someone and be happy but he's not sure if he will ever be. I said it doesn't have to be like that if you would be able to manage your moods. I told him I am not willing to deal with the manic side of him anymore. He said he understands why it's difficult & why he is difficult to be with but that he would never want to give that up. I suppose those times of extreme energy and everything he feels really good and he feels they are useful times in his life for getting stuff done and he can't see very clearly the negative side. Even with his family on the line he is not willing to see how unhelpful these extreme moods are to his life. He tells me he always wants to have a family...but yet he won't make the right choices to keep his family or recognise what needs to change.
The good news is I think I have found somewhere to live...my old boss who is like a second mother figure to me...I had a feeling I just had to go and talk to her today even though I haven't seen her for ages ....and I told her all about what has happened. And she said 'Wow I feel like this is meant to be, we just bought a 2 bed garden flat around here to rent out....You can rent it !' It felt like an absolute godsend! She said she can help me with furniture and I can help choose what colour to paint it. They are getting it all refurbished over the next 2 months & then it will be ready. My DD's dad said he is happy for me and our DD to stay here & he will go live at his Mum's for a bit. And he said he will help me with whatever I need help with to get settled somewhere...money or whatever else. He is devastated though at the idea of not seeing our DD every morning and I think he is going to get quite a shock. I feel very sorry for him because of this. It's such a shame. And I feel like I'm grieving over losing all the good bits of him and all the things I did love about him and the failure of our relationship. And come to terms with being a single Mum which I never expected would the way things would turn out....But this does feel like a fresh start. I just think the next 2 months might go really slowly & it'll be weird and sad. Anyway I am so lucky to have people in my life who want to support me & I'll have a nice place to live close to here so won't have to uproot my DD too much and I can still go back to work 1 day a week I won't have to change too much except my DD's Dad and I will not be in a toxic relationship anymore and I will have space to be happy and emotionally stress free. It's like a weight has been lifted. But still feels surreal. Thanks for all your support. These next few months will be hard but not as hard as things have been. Wow.

dont feel sorry for him because he is making a choice not to go to gp, get a diagnosis, address his moods... by living separately you can control and choose when to be around him.

establish a routine for when and how he will see dd.

I'm so glad OP, though I suppose the real happy ending would have been him taking responsability for the effect his lack of treatment is having on you.

But a garden flat, I'm jealous!

Good luck with it all, this sounds a good solution, the fact you feel a weight has lifted (along with sadness about the ending of the better parts of the relationship) says it all.