Torn over leaving my bi-polar partner who I have a 1 year old DD with...

[eepie]

My DD is 1 year old. During my pregnancy and the whole last year her Dad & I have been having very regular blow-ups - recently involving physical aggression from him towards me. He is slightly hypomanic and un-medicated bi-polar at the moment. He is aware of it but doesn't really manage it in that he doesn't see the mania coming and adjust his lifestyle accordingly to try and head it off and avoid drugs or stimulus etc...
He went away on a stag weekend recently and took drugs & didn't sleep & our baby wasn't sleeping either so we were both just frazzled (him self inflicted so no sympathy there) so we ended up having a big misunderstandng / crossed words in the early hours of the morning whilst our baby was crying & he couldn't handle it and took his aggression out on me. That was kind of the last straw for me...I thought..But it's complicated. His Mum talked me down from leaving because she convinced me that we were both just driven insane by the sleep deprivation as our DD hadn't been sleeping well for months.

I am still feeling awful about our relationship though..I'm not sure it's fixable...I feel too much damage has been done & I'm afraid I don't love him anymore. But in some ways I really do. It really is like loving two different people in the same man sometimes. It's not just a case of "Oh he's a dickhead, leave". He is capable of all within the same day being the biggest twat & also lovely ??!?!
I think though it might be the hardest thing ever but maybe better in the long run to separate. Devastated at the thought of it though because it is SO not what I wanted for us or our DD. I am completely torn over what I should do....on one hand I feel like my patience has completely run out & that he has said and done too many horrible things to me. I was trying to be patient as there was always an excuse like "he's stressed" "we haven't been sleeping because of the baby" "it's normal to argue when you have a new baby" "maybe it's my hormones" "maybe I've got post-natal depression" etc etc. But on the other hand when things are good they are really good and we really do have a great time together & with our baby...we are a great team and great parents to her even if we do disagree on some fundamental issues ie smoking...
I know that when this manic phase passes he will be really down and really really sad to have lost me and my DD who he absolutely adores and is the best most present Dad to.....And I will feel horribly guilty for making a big decision whilst he is manic and not just being more patient or more understanding. But I feel like I'm giving all my patience to our baby and I don't have any left for him anymore...I feel like I can't go on in a relationship where I get little to no emotional support or understanding and yet am expected to GIVE so much to him. He won't take medication...which I kind of respect as he is low on the bi-polar spectrum if you know what I mean...he doesn't do crazy crazy things when manic except erratic driving, erratic moods and temper, very poor reaction to stress, loses focus on work and gets distracted with different projects and seeing loads of different people, drinks more, smokes more etc. And is just harder to live with and exhausting for me. We also argue a lot anyway and it's worse when he's manic. He becomes snappy and defensive about any tiny thing, especially if I'm perceived to be trying to curtail his fun like suggest maybe he doesn't go to this party or that party or suggest maybe he gets a good amount of sleep tonight or suggest maybe that a certain business idea is maybe a bit risky etc.

I am also just scared and totally unsure what to do to actually separate from him. We are currently having couples therapy with a really good therapist and are 2 sessions in....but I really feel I wish I was living separately to him and in a way I wish we could have a fresh start and spend some time apart to take the pressure off and get to know each other again & see if there's anything left. I need him to try and manage his illness better though & through therapy I am trying to make him see this. He says he wants & needs boundaries & structure & to be grounded by me but he resents me when I do impose boundaries and structure! On one hand he is very aware of his illness but he is not aware of the effect it is having on our relationship & how he needs to make some changes FOR GOOD if he wants to manage this without medication ie. not taking drugs on stag weekends. He is so stuck in his ways and 15 years older than me that I worry he doesn't want to and can't change, even when his relationship & daughter is on the line.

I don't want to disrupt my DD too much and I don't have any bloody money unfortunately as I have been at home with my DD for the last year, breastfeeding still...and have no savings or anything. I guess I could get housing benefit but I fear it'd be hard to find a decent place with a landlord that takes housing benefit in this area of London. I could move down the to the countryside to be closer to my family (they don't have anywhere for me to stay unfortunately) BUT I want my DD to be close to her Dad and see him all the time....I don't want to take her away from him and my MIL as they are so close.

Any advice about all of it would be SO appreciated. Thanks.

It's not for you to help regulate his moods.

I am incredulous, that his mother persuades you to stay even though he is being aggressive. I am also astounded that you condone not seeking medical help for his bipolar.

Personally, in order to help him you need to leave., it maybe forever or a short time. You need to put your daughters needs first.

Are you sure he is bi-polar? As he hasn't been diagnosed as such. IME dope smokers are not chilled out people - that is a common myth as far as I'm concerned. Dope in itself gives you mental health issues. My experience is that they are unpredictable and aggressive, unless they are actually sat down rolling/smoking a joint. He might actually be someone who is struggling with addictions rather than being bi-polar. who knows? Neither of you do because he has never sought a diagnosis, which makes me wonder if he really thinks he is bi-polar.

Either way, why would bi-polar / dope smoking be an excuse for him to throw you around? The fact is, bottom line, he is abusive towards you and whatever he might use as an excuse to get you to tiptoe around him more is part of the abuse.

Your dd is already being affected. She was crying whilst he was throwing you around. That is frightening for her. Bottom line is: who do you care about most? Your innocent dd or him? Sooner or later you'll have a lightbulb moment when you choose the right person.

he is not your child. your dd is.
he is an adult and you cannot be there managing him when he refuses to manage himself.

you make him go to gp and get therapy or meds. that is the price for having dc and having a family with you.

otherwise you live apart. if he chooses to self destruct so be it but right now he is self destructing with you and DD . and the consequences could be dreadful.

talk to your gp about this - gp will tell you that unless he goes along and asks for help there is nothing they can do. he has to be the one. you do not have the power to stop him killing himself with drugs and alcohol. you are being totally naive to think it is ok so log as you around. it isnt. one day he will snap at dd when she is a stubborn toddler and that will be it.

he is not your uncle.

but you are putting his needs above your dds right now. why? your dd cannot defend herself. he has already been violent to you. why are you staying? why are you allowing yourself to stay in this precarious situation?

call MIND, call RETHINK, get some advice and get him diagnosed assessed and on meds.

I'm not bipolar, but I do get moments of rage and depression that makes me want to do what your partner has done to you to my precious little boy. I struggle with depression, and my DS is and has always been HARD work. I find it hard to control at the worst of times, but have never lashed out at him but verbally I've shouted. If your partner has already shoved you, if your Dd becomes the kind of button-pressing toddler my energetic little guy is then what is going to stop a man who won't/doesn't even want to apologise to the woman he is supposed to love from doing the exact same thing to a child? Imagine being whined at, tantrums every day, lack of sleep, day in and day out for several years - if your partner is struggling now, can he cope with that?

I'm a child protection social worker. If I was given what you have just written as a referral I would be calling a child protection conference and it's likely your baby would be made subject to a child protection plan.
He's a dangerous parent and you are failing to protect your baby right now. Time to act!

I agree maybe he needs to be diagnosed but also like cestlavie says it can only happen if he is honest with his doctor and he goes to the doctor himself and says: "I have a mood problem, I think I am bipolar" etc. Which he won't. He thinks he's managing ok with it. He's obviously not as he can't hold down a serious relationship and the mother of his child doesn't want to live with him anymore !

Re: dope smoking - he has smoked all his adult life and his Mum and both brothers are high functioning dope smokers. He has a really close family and they really are amazing with DD even though I disagree with the smoking & they never smoke around her at my request, obviously. He realised that it is not good for him to do all the time so partly because of my influence but partly his own insight, he has cut down dramatically to once a week maybe.....at the moment because he is manic though it is way more regularly and it has been bothering me. If I try and mention it or say I think he is smoking a bit too much then we get into a huge row as he gets so defensive. He doesn't get 'off his face' ever... apart from at a party maybe. But still...it's not good for him or us.

He definitely is bi polar ... I have looked on the Mind website and it fits with his pattern of varying degrees of hypomania for a few weeks/months in the summer - usually triggered by a festival/big party/stag do where he doesn't sleep much and takes a small amount of drugs. Even a small amount is too much for him I would argue. Then a crash again and very depressed and low mood. He is a different person in each of these states...his reactions to stuff changes, his voice changes even sometimes, his habits, the way he does stuff, the way he thinks about stuff/himself/me. Since we had DD he hasn't had a pronounced depressed period but it went like this - Birth of DD in July mania - then it calmed down..then a bit more mania at Christmas ...(it seems to be things or events that trigger him as well that stimulate him and make him over excited) Then balanced out again in January and then has been really pretty balanced and stable since then until end of May or something. I think because he has a routine and solid work for the first time in years because of me and DD and his new responsibilities as a father, he has actually been doing really well. But he still thinks he can party and there be no consequences. He is in denial about that and about his temper problems. He says he doesn't want to live a life where he has to limit himself and not join in with social situation and not be able to enjoy himself every once in a while. He doesn't think he does it to the excess and so why shouldn't he be able to party a bit like everyone else. My answer is "No you don't do it all the time, and you are restrained most of the time....But you are bipolar and therefore cannot handle it and keep a balanced mood!"

He also stopped his twice weekly therapy sessions which he had been doing for 5 years JUST before he met me...which I don't think helped. He has now started therapy again, with me...in an effort to work things out. She has started to tell him "Ok your mood disorder or whatever you want to call it is now affecting eepie and frightening her and so maybe you need to address it and manage it..,before, it wasn't affecting your life when you were on your own but now it is" I think she is gently gaining his trust and respect so she can have an influence as I think she knows that when someone is manic if you go in all guns blazing and call them out on it then they become very defensive and angry and turn the blame around. I know he would just say he didn't like her and he didn't want to go to therapy anymore. But hopefully she is a highly recommended therapist recommended by his old friends who he deeply trusts and respects...all my hopes are pinned on that she can make him see he needs to manage it better/get a diagnosis/try meds. And I am trying to get his brothers to talk to him too as I know they know what he's like and I know his Mum will never admit it to herself so she will be no help.

Anyway I am pretty sure I am going to ask for a trial separation this week. maybe we will continue therapy together or him on his own...at least now his therapist has heard what I have to say.

re: my DD....she was crying in her bedroom in her cot and we were doing CC so we were leaving her for a few minutes to cry and she wasn't aware of what was happening with us. The hardest thing is just seeing how happy she is when both of us are there with her...and how her face lights up when her Daddy walks into the room. This is going to be so hard.
I don't even know where to start re: where to live...money...housing benefit ...etc. I know he will help me he has told me if we were to separate he will do all he can to make sure me and DD are ok & have somewhere nice to live etc.

I just know when he is down again he will be hating himself and he will see what he has lost. Even in therapy he was saying how he really wants to save us and he really wants to keep trying.

Thank you for all the responses I am getting clearer in my head about what I need to do now. It's just SO heartbreaking and so hard and sad.

I have had a son who did not sleep through the night until he was 4, followed by twins (who slept through before him). I know what it is like to be so tired you are dropping things, but have to keep on. It really takes all your strength and you cannot afford to go out late, never mind on benders, taking drugs. There is no room in your life for him to sleep these things off. He needs to be working with you and he is not. He is working against you. Intervals of being nice, cooking lovely meals etc are not a substitute from a father for good solid support and not an excuse for bad behaviour and violenc. It is only for a short time, then things begin to improve. If he cannot do this (and he has shown that he cannot) and worse (he is being aggressive with you and adding to your problems) you need some space from him. He needs to get his life on track and some stability through taking his medication and sorting out his lifestyle to become an effective father.

I hope your own family can give you better support.

If he really wanted to save you he would be at the doctor's first thing for diagnosis and medication.

He isn't, instead he is out taking drugs and partying.

You need to leave.

I really feel for you.

My DP is also bi-polar. We very nearly split up about it before (we lived apart for a few weeks) and he now knows that if he wants to be in a relationship with me, he needs to take his medication, see his doctor regularly etc. He happily does those things now. He knows that if he doesn't, I will leave him.

In your situation, and given that you have a small daughter and he is violent, you definitely need to leave. Maybe that will be the impetus he needs to sort himself out, maybe it won't, but you need to put your daughter's needs before his now, as sad as that makes you feel.

Hugs to you. I really hope you find the strength you need to do this.

If he's capable of being lovely and abusive in the same day, then this is driven by his personality, not bipolar. I have bipolar disorder and my moods hang around for weeks, not seconds. It's a mood disorder, not an asshole disorder.

Oops, I'm sorry I missed page 2! I agree with DayLillie. And if he's been physical, it's important that you're safe, for you, and because your DD needs you more than ever if her dad is being so irresponsible.

I just found out that in order to get a house (if I'm on housing benefits which I'd have to be really at the moment...) in the area that my parents live in and where I grew up, I'd have to pay £4000 upfront to secure the property..that's 6 months rent upfront ?!?!? How am I supposed to do that. I really don't think I can just ask my Dad for 4 grand. : ( I don't know how to do this.

Meltchetts - his 'up' moods and 'down' moods generally do last for weeks and weeks...But I'm saying when he's manic he's capable of being really lovely and then just switching. He's high energy and can express that as being really loving and engaging and friendly but it has a dark side that can change quickly to irritability and if there's any stress present (which there has been as we haven't been getting on...and we have a baby...and he perceives me asking him to chill out and be mindful of sleep and not smoke as much as stress) then he can flip out.

And that's no way to live :( eepie, he needs to sort himself out. This isn't for you to do, you can't walk on eggshells in case he flips out. He may be ill but as a husband and parent and adult it's his responsibility to get help. I know having insight can be hard when you're not well but it really doesn't sound like you and your baby are safe from him. Can you have a chat with Women's Aid about the practicalities?

I know it's not... I guess I should make an appointment with the Citizens Advice Bureau or speak to WOmen's Aid. I just want to be clear he doesn't flip out and be violent. That only happened once recently. He/s never been violent with DD. I am honestly not worried that he would be. But....you never know. I suppose. I know I hve to put her first & be safe but honestly she is pretty much the only reason I haven't left is because I don't want to uproot her and disrupt her and take her away from her beloved Daddy whom she loves so much. And he loves her so much. Anyway. I am going to talk to him about trial separation asap. Just it's her 1st birthday on Saturday and we have my family visiting and I don't know whether to talk to him about it before that...or wait til after. ??

Would you have been worried a month ago that he'd ever be physical with you? But he was. Her beloved daddy is mistreating her mum and she will see it. Can't answer that for you but it would be good to talk to your family about what's happening.

well it is not long til Saturday. so wait til after the party.

but - if he flips at all you really need to call police.

you wont be taking her away from him for ever; or even all days; , if he is stable/getting help he can see her.

please dont assume he will never be violent. i never thought my ex would be, but he was.

the diagnosis my ex got eventually was "adjustment disorder with severe anxiety and depression". tho he presented like your p with episodes of hypomania/depression etc. no drugs involved in his case.

He has been violent. Next time it will be worse.

OP,he sounds utterly and totally self centred. Since his habits are so entrenched I seriously doubt if he will change. Can you confide in your HV? Since there is DV in the relationship you should qualify for priority social housing. Obviously that isn't ideal but your current situation is dreadful. You need to tell people other than the therapist (who sounds very geared towards appeasing him) and get their reactions.

And don't ever think a child or baby doesn't know what is going on. There is lots of evidence that they do.

Well actually I did get the inkling that he was capable of being violent towards me as he had done a few things before in arguments that were a bit physical such as put his hand over my mouth to stop me talking, grabbed my head firmly at both sides. Pushed me out the way slightly etc... All in the midst of very heated discussions but still...sometimes I feel like doing something like that to him as I am so angry but I can control myself and I know it is wrong to use aggression on another person to vent your frustration. He doesn't he thinks this is ok behaviour. He says 'I'm not proud of it' and I know part of him feels absolutely disgusted with himself but he won't dare show fault ...he'll say I'm sorry but or I'm sorry I had to... "can't you see that you have a part to play in that situation?" My response is no matter what someone says to you or no matter if you're having an argument it is never acceptable to put your hands on someone in an aggressive way to intimidate or to vent your frustration. He doesn't get this and just thinks I want to play the victim and it's part of my issues. He does remind me of my Dad growing up and I'm sure I am a seeker of drama and of people to care for or fix...I know my issues - it's classic ! I am aware. It doesn't mean what he is doing is ok. And it doesn't mean that he actually does need to fix himself !! Habit very entrenched is true. And that's why I feel hopeless. Dope smoking has been part of his life since his Mum was breastfeeding him whilst smoking dope. I don't see a way that it'll ever be out of his life. And his friends and his social life is/was the most important part of his life by a long way and has been for 40 years. Now our DD is the most important thing in his life. And he will be devastated to have to be a part-time Dad but not devastated enough to change & try and make things right with me I don't think. He's too stubborn and cannot accept his dark side, it's too painful for him to look at & come to terms with I think.
I didn't know that I would qualify for social housing...I am just so scared to mention that he was aggressive to me to anyone really ....I feel there's such a stigma...that people will think I'm being dramatic or my family & friends will hate him..I don't want them to hate my DD's Dad. I am worried that social services will get involved and he'll get in trouble. I don't know that probably sounds really stupid but it's how I feel. I don't want to be a victim I want to be strong for my DD and I don't want my family and friends to pity me.

I am going to talk to his brother's wife this afternoon as she has known him for 10 years and knows his dark side/temper and also the other side of him. She's seen him with various other girlfriends and she knows what his brother says about living with him when they were growing up. She is the only person (apart from his Mum who dismissed it) I have told about the incident in the middle of the night ! She was shocked and horrified. She said "If this is what is happening then you really need to be away from each other for a while". and she couldn't believe that he had done that as it seemed so out of character for him.

If social services get involved he's not going to be 'in trouble'
You are going to have to evidence that you can protect her from his abuse of you
You are going to be under scrutiny and assessment for months, years maybe. He won't be in trouble. It's odd that that's your first concern about social services!

I suggest you get advice from Women's Aid on this one, I think you are right that if you try to act yourself, without that knowledge and with a lot of family and friends involved, it's going to get messy. Having said that, you absolutely do need to act. Everything you write suggests that he's abusive physically- and several times, I find someone holding your head like that, covering your mouth, pushing you, all of this IS abuse, not just a punch. You do know this from what you have written.

I would also say that although your dd dotes on him now, I suspect that his mood as she gets older will mix that in with fear, and perhaps even blame if you let this go on for a long time that you didn't get her out of there. She can still have a relationship with him, and with his family, although from what you have said, it may have to be supervised access, he just doesn't sound stable enough to care for a child on his own whatsoever.

Please get some good advice from people that know the system.

I don't think people will pity you, I would be very angry if my dd was in this situation with a man like this. Whatever their response though, you just have to do the right thing and get yourself safe and your dd.

Eepie honey, no no no!!! Telling you "you made me do it" is him excusing his behaviour!!! That's emotionally mindfucking you over too! Ok, imagine if it was your daughter coming to you, and telling you her boyfriend is doing to her what's being done to you-

"Mum, he grabs my head, he's shoved me, he tells me it's my fault though because I drive him to do it"...

Just imagine that for a moment. It's the future, and she's come to you, upset and depressed and feeling like shit because she's being treated like this by a man. what advice would you honestly giver her? "Oh, honey, just give him a chance. He has his good moments too right? Can't you just ignore every sing,e time he's emotionally abuse towards you/grabs you/shoves you?

You seem to be making A LOT of excuses for him. Would you be doing the same if it was your daughter's boyfriend? And if so, why is it ok for you to be treated like a dog, to be shoved around and told its all your fault, but not ok for your daughter?