Are there any good ones left when you're over 45?

[grassneedscutting]

Seriously, are there any decent men out there? And where are they?
In a relationship of sorts, 2 years in, and he's selfish, doesn't show affection, sex is a rare treat, he drinks too much and generally doesn't show that he cares.
He can be good company though, makes me laugh, does practical things for me and the good usually outweighs the bad
Don't have a problem being on my own, but enjoy having someone in my life.
Just wondering if I find the strength to walk away will I ever find anyone else?
Am I setting my sights to high? I know Mr Perfect doesn't exist, but I want a warm, loving relationship with someone, is that obtainable when 50 is looming ever closer?

Are you sure your man friends aren't rejecting those women because they're a bit fat or losing their hair??

im late fifties and three years ago ended up single again due to my ex cheating on me so as you can imagine i had huge trust issues,

so when i was ready went into OD met some lovely men who wernt right for me or i wasnt right for them, met some frogs who would not have turned into princes if i had kissed them, had a fwb relationship for a while as it suited both of us,

then 18 months ago met my now current partner, on the first date if i had been shallow there would not have been a second date as hes not handsome and perfect, but slowly let the relationship grow hes one year older than me hes inteligent, has a good job, is a gentleman he treats me properly, has a lot of the core values in life that i do, and we have just moved in together so yes there are some good ones out there over 45

I think the trouble is for one reason or another the nice ones have decided that they don't want a relationship again. I know at least two really nice men who are single but just aren't interested in any sort of lasting relationship although they've both been married before.

I met my lovely man a year ago through a shared hobby when he was 55 and I was 46. I had been single for 5 years and had given up on dating/relationships. He was widowed with DC grown & flown. We took things slowly and built a really strong friendship as the basis for our relationship - living near one another and having plenty in common.

What is nice at this age is there is just no rush to push things along - the fertility timebomb is no longer an issue, and we are each established in our careers and financially secure in our own right. Fortunately we both seem to like the same ratio of independence to togetherness, which I don't think has been the case in any of my previous relationships!

I think there are good men out there too...

I met my partner three years ago, he is the other side of 45 now. His problem is that he has been a touring musician for years and would go away on eighteen city tours which lasted months. All of his exes got sick of it. He works so hard it's unbelievable. Is solvent, amazing bod, funny and generous, very loving, always keeping in touch.

And, there's a single older man at my local open mic who is very nice looking, always laughing and joking, never married, no kids etc. he'd do for someone?

Im a 42 year old woman who has lost a lot of weight. I cant stand shallow people. I endured bullying about my weight for a long time. It wrecks your trust in people. I like men who look a bit "lived in"

My marriage has been celibate for a long time but i have made peace with that.

And to the PP who mentioned social housing. Those of us who live in SH arent sub human.

I'm just 50 and a widow, having looked at online dating it seems to be the men over 60 that are interested in me or men of 30, neither feel right.
I would love to meet someone around my age.

Age is just a number & should have nothing to do with it, it's the inner person that's important in life. Life is too short to nit pick your partners age preference, a bit like choosing a thin over fat woman, the inner person is again what truly matters.
There are thousands of real good men over 45 out there that are not obsessed with dating sites or frequenting night clubs & pubs, some are even on here.

As a man (haven't got to grips with your acronyms yet), I came on here looking for a bit of advice for a problem that is too self-indulgent to bore you with right now but I had to respond to brokenhearted55a.

Don't give up! I have felt the same after being dumped three times. God it hurt, and I was damn low for a while but in each instance, bit by bit, I moved on. I am now in my mid fifties, met my partner ten years ago and we have now been married for five years. I have several friends in their forties, non of whom I would class as a particularly poor catch but who have apparently thrown in the towel in favour of a blokeish single life, because they too feel they have "had it"

I suppose these guys are technically off market, purely because they don't believe that decent women of their age aren't available or wouldn't be interested in them, so emerge themselves in pastimes and environments that do nothing to alter their mindset.

And it's a crying shame.

Hazy i think the pressures in society now placing all the importance on looks as well as internet dating has added a superficial layer of expectations which in turn has very likely affected peoples confidence.

I felt that maybe there weren't any good ones left but I met my DP out of the blue at a time when I was ok being on my own. I literally can't believe how fabulous it is to be with someone caring, kind and considerate (& I fancy him like mad, lucky me). My ex is/was an abusive arse so my life now couldn't be more different. I am so glad I never gave up hope. I'm 52, DP is 58. I feel somehow what we've both been through makes what we have all the more special because we appreciate it all the more. Hope that makes sense. Don't give up.

I'm soon to be 39 and have struggled to find a committed relationship since I split with my DC's father nearly 10yrs ago after his serial cheating.

In this time I have had one relationship of a year, that ended after I went to his house when he had just returned from holiday and a large partially full pack of condoms came out of his suitcase with the response, when questioned 'we're not married are we'. This was followed by two years single without the slightest hint of interest from a man and in those days I used to go out quite regularly at the weekends, plus I tried Guardian Soulmates - 2 dates including one that failed to show up.

Next up was a guy I met, we seemed to get on well but he was always 'busy' which is fair enough but in the whole 6 months I never went to his house, he always wanted to come to mine. His reason being that his place wasn't as nice as mine......! I stopped seeing him as I was starting to have real concerns that he was not truly single.

Bumped into a guy that I used to go to 6th form with. We hadn't seen each other for over 15yrs and although I had never previously fancied him we got on really well and progressed to dating. More the fool me here as I never clarified what he was seeking and after 2yrs of us being, well, I'm not even sure what I would describe it. We were sleeping together, had a great friendship but we didn't really have any involvement in each others lives aside from this. He then ended it a year ago stating that he didn't want to progress things any further and it is not fair to me to keep things as they are. Whether he met someone else I don't know but the bottom line is that he doesn't want to be with me.

In the year that we split I have been to dating events, tried online dating again (POF) and nothing. No-one has asked for my number or continued contact with me.

I am average looking and always have been but seemed to get quite a bit of attention in my 20's. I have a good job, a home and I'm able to hold an intelligent conversation.

I am at a loss of what to do. Leaving my crap relationship at 29 I had so many hopes for the future, of meeting a person that wanted to build a strong and happy family. I am so very lonely. I miss having someone to do special things for and having intimacy with someone that I love and care for.

I am also aware that at my age my chances of finding a partner and having more children are very slim. Yes, it does happen but the odds are against it. This makes me sad.

I do not know what to do to make myself appear attractive to men. I make as much effort with my appearance as I can but I am not going to suddenly be able to morph into a model. Each effort of putting myself out there without any success really knocks my confidence.

Any tips on how to change this situation are much appreciated.

I know plenty of nice men over 50.

Unfortunately, many women are shallow and won't give them a second look because they are a bit fat or losing their hair.

Or worse, not particularly "solvent".

There are plenty of men on dating sites who specify "nothing over a size 12" Ive seen it talked about on threads on here several times.

Yeah - basically the world's full of prats who over-estimate themselves! Male and female

blueteatowel your post made me sad. I am in a similar situation to you but I don't feel lonely anymore. I seem to have some how come to enjoy being single and find life better this way.

Can you join clubs, start new hobbies rather than doing online dating. You might meet someone through a shared interest.

This is depressing. I think porn has altered men's expectations of the type of woman they should be with.

It's so unrealistic expecting to be with a very slim, much younger attractive woman when you are clearly not that attractive, overweight, balding.

Porn is acting but some men think it is the norm.

Nothing over a size 12 . That's me out then.

Ridiculous. Like anyone ( stupid enough) is going to want to date them!

39 is no age. Don't give up.

We were three friends all cheated on by husbands and partners. I was the oldest at 56 , next was 42 ang youngest mid thirties.

The youngest is happily married and nearly 40. The middle one is in a committed relationship but prefers to keep her own place and has been with her lovely 8 years and then there's me...getting married shortly.

The middle one was introduced to her man by a friend. Other friend married his friend and I went online for mine.

All of us very happy.

We've all done better than with the losers we were with.

I have been single for over 3 years now and have been lucky to have dated some really lovely men. They do exist, but they are harder to find, especially when you are trapped in a single parent, no childcare, knackered existence.

I will say though that I have not had any long term relationships because of me, not them. If I had met any of them when I was 22, I would have been able to look past certain differences and be crazy about them. But now, having gone through the pain of my marriage ending and starting again in my late 30s, I can't let myself fall in love with someone. I treat dating in a more business like way. I am so desperate to protect myself, that I dare not like anyone too much. And noone is yet the one I am prepared to let into my little life, or my daughter's for that matter and I can't see me ever wanting to. But there are some really lovely blokes around!

Please, OP, don't settle for a selfish man just because statistically you might have to wait a bit to find a nicer one. You have ONE LIFE. Why kill yourself in a go-nowhere, miserable, almost sexless relationship with a selfish boozer? You definitely won't find anyone better if you stay.

I was 39, with two kids, when my first husband left. I knew categorically that I'd never find anyone else.

Six months later I met the lovely man that I'm now married to. He was 42.

I think lovely men are everywhere but you might not recognise them as lovely at first. My new DH was living with his mum when we met, had a tonne of debt from his previous relationship, and was lacking in confidence. Today he's paid off all his debt, earns a lot, dresses really well (I inspired him to shop better!), and he lives with me. If you met him now you'd be impressed, but if you'd met him when I did, you wouldn't.

So just leave the awful bf you have now, and start looking for a NICE man. You only have to find one!

My wedding hairdresser had just got married when I met her. She was 60. Her DH was 64. She went on 151 internet dates to find him. They're so happy it's almost nauseating. :) She went on dates with an open mind, had fun, and didn't settle.

I repeat, you DEFINITELY won't find a decent man over 45 if you stay with the crappy one you have now.

@ MaryS at the moment I feel very sad, like I am indulging in a constant pity party for one! Occasionally I am OK with being alone but I know that ultimately I do not want to be.

I'm off on holiday in a few weeks and although I know that I am incredibly lucky to be able to have holidays and I have a great time enjoying my children, I can't help feeling a bit of a pang when I see families and couples enjoying each other.

I do know quite a few women that are attractive and intelligent but still unable to meet someone. My friend is adamant that she is going to meet someone and attends so many events, her social calendar makes me dizzy.

I've told myself that I will continue with OD until the end of this month and after that come off as it does nothing for my confidence. As for hobbies I do need to find one that involves other people as what I enjoy at the moment I do at home.

@ Dowser I know that on the grand scale of things 39 is not old and I keep trying to remind myself of this but I am aware that I probably won't meet anyone in time to have more children with......argh pity party resumes.

There is a dating event in a couple of weeks which I was umming and ahhing about signing up for. I'm just going sign up and go. As someone said, I only need to meet 'one'

Sorry for the ramble, it has actually helped getting my thoughts down in black and white. Thank you