Are there any good ones left when you're over 45?

[grassneedscutting]

Seriously, are there any decent men out there? And where are they?
In a relationship of sorts, 2 years in, and he's selfish, doesn't show affection, sex is a rare treat, he drinks too much and generally doesn't show that he cares.
He can be good company though, makes me laugh, does practical things for me and the good usually outweighs the bad
Don't have a problem being on my own, but enjoy having someone in my life.
Just wondering if I find the strength to walk away will I ever find anyone else?
Am I setting my sights to high? I know Mr Perfect doesn't exist, but I want a warm, loving relationship with someone, is that obtainable when 50 is looming ever closer?

Few and far between but they do surface occasionally, usually as a result of some mad woman's mid life crisis. I was lucky enough to meet one 9 years ago- my age, self sufficient, successful, kind hearted family man. Just don't give up, give people a chance but move on when you can see you have the wrong person.

The only evidence I can offer is that I'm a 45 year old male. I was single for a while until last year; relationships break down all the time, normal men become available all the time.

God don't ask me. I haven't met a single decent man since my divorce three years ago.

I have had short relationships with a player/user, a jealous possessive stalker type, an impotent alcoholic and a sexually aggressive body builder. I have all but given up.

I started a thread several months ago about only wanting a man for sex and fixing things. A lot of people agreed with me and I still feel 100% the same.

You don't need to find vast swathes of attractive intelligent men over 40, just one! I always read these threads with a bit of incredulity, of course there are nice men over 40, they get divorced, widowed, or just didn't settle down first time around. My mum has had two relationships since divorcing around 50 and quite a few other offers. My grandma remarried at 70. These were to nice men, if anything they chose better second time around.

I think the world of online dating has a lot to answer for. In the past, you used to get to know people over time, see them as friends, or part of a club or as colleagues before going out with them, I think that longer run up allows you to get a better impression of what the person is like, and to hear rumours/see experiences if they are a loser. Internet dating plunges you into intimacy without this prior knowledge, and I think a lot of people find it harder to call time on these, as they are always wondering if they are reading it right and have no further info to go on.

So, I think the truth is it is harder to find anyone nice at all in the world of internet dating as you have to kiss so many frogs from scratch, it just disillusions you. I don't think it is an age thing though or rather, yes, there are less available men aged 40-80, but as I said, you don't need 100's just one nice straightforward decent one, and most of my friends seem to have found one.

Thenapoleonofcrime

I wonder if most of the decent men don't actually use Internet dating much. I'm recently single father, early 40s, am healthy, do housework, am developing myself personally etc etc and am starting to think about a future relationship. I'm seriously put off online dating by the image it now has. I don't want to be seen as the kind of guy who does online dating because I'm worried it will make women I meet think less of me.

I don't like internet dating but I never meet eligible men in real life. I work with women, I have lots of female friends, I've joined a running club where I've made more female friends!! Internet dating is my only option I think.

Not even looking anymore, life is so much less complicated on your own. I can watch crap telly, eat all the ice cream for tea, and enjoy a refreshing nights sleep, with no ear shattering snoring, or duvet snatching.

I'm not really looking for one because that way madness lies. I agree with Kaneda, internet dating is a massive turn off. I did try it briefly, but only ever got to the emailing stage, and then backed off swiftly.

I just hate the whole ethos of it. (no offence to those who do it - I tried it - felt uncomfortable for me)

I would far rather meet someone properly in person through a common interest or whatever than go looking for them online.

I haven't been in a relationship for a few years now and don't particularly care. I have children to think about - they are far more important than whether I'm alone or not and in fact it would distract me from what they need I think. Too difficult to divide my attention.

I think someonell turn up if and when, but meanwhile I need to get on with my life.

Gatorade I feel a bit guilty but I laughed till I cried when reading your story of the farting groom.

I think the overall quality of men aged 50+ now is pretty shabby compared to women of the same age. I'd have thought 45-50s might be a bit better, but perhaps I'm wrong! Men have been able to get away with such a load of crap for so long, due to all the women feeling they must have 'someone'. There isn't all that much incentive for them to lively up.

They exist, though! My stepfather's really great: he and Mum were both widowed. Generally speaking, men who are widowed or divorced get swamped by women doing kind things for them - many of whom are hoping to become a replacement. It's a bit weird to observe. I reckon you need to be lucky & meet a nice man just as he's started to recover properly, and just after all the pie-bringers have started to lose hope

This is such a tricky exercise I've decided not to bother!!

Aha, maybe you've explained it, Voyage. All of us - women and men - are sitting at home with our feet up, thinking "Yeah, I'll stay single thanks!"

I'm 40 and recently tried OD, I never meet new people so gave it a go.

It's not for me, both too intimate and weirdly impersonal at the same time.

I don't mind being single, have been for years. It can get lonely though and I'd like to meet someone.

I really don't fancy my chances.

"In a relationship of sorts, 2 years in, and he's selfish, doesn't show affection, sex is a rare treat, he drinks too much and generally doesn't show that he cares."

I assume he hasn't mown the lawn for a while either, OP?

I'm male and find the posts suggesting single women of a certain age to be somehow better than the equivalent men to be very questionable, but the main part of the problem.
The truth is that people who are 40+ will have 20+ years of being single or in relationships or both and are bound to affected by their experiences.
I find that a lot of women are very used to it being a women's market, that they have unrealistic expectations and expect a man who has everything, when they often don't. Such men will be rare, yes.

I'd say most decent people over 45 just can't be bothered with the hassle of it all - I'm 47, if dh left me tomorrow I'd be single for the rest of my life & perfectly happy.
No way I'd start 'dating' again pushing 50.

Yes, I believe that there is someone for everyone

Nobody is perfect, but if you can find someone with some of your "must haves on your list of would like" then you are very lucky

I know people that have met & married in their 40's & 70's & were very happy together (both widows)

Just because you are 40+ doesnt mean you cant be happy & cant find love !

if you can find someone with some of your "must haves on your list of would like" then you are very lucky

Fuck that! I'm very lucky to have the freedom to be selfish "Must haves" are MUST haves in my book, not things I'll deny myself for the sake of Having A Man.

The thing I find is that none of us at this age are starting out in life anymore, so we already are set in our ways and our experiences to some degree. Therefore in my opinion it is harder to compromise on things, because you're not so much growing with somebody as somehow shoehorning them into your already well established life.

When you're fairly self-sufficient it's sometimes difficult (for me at least) to see where anyone else would fit in.

Also, don't most people only want someone to go on holiday with? I can't see many people thinking it's worth the aggro just for a fortnight at Butlin's once a year.

Heh, Made, yes That's when you find out they always want "English food" in Spain, abhor suncream and never stop moaning about the burns, refuse to hire a left-hand drive, swim like a wave machine and make inappropriate remarks to waitresses.

After that, you pay the single supplement ...

I know at least two lovely guys in their early 40s who are just not that fussed about looking (in case they get knocked back) but who have no baggage, good jobs etc.

I met a nice man. Complicated but nice.

I also threw a couple of horrible ones and some just not for me back in the pond.

Fuck that! I'm very lucky to have the freedom to be selfish grin "Must haves" are MUST haves in my book, not things I'll deny myself for the sake of Having A Man.

This. exactly.