Are there any good ones left when you're over 45?

[grassneedscutting]

Seriously, are there any decent men out there? And where are they?
In a relationship of sorts, 2 years in, and he's selfish, doesn't show affection, sex is a rare treat, he drinks too much and generally doesn't show that he cares.
He can be good company though, makes me laugh, does practical things for me and the good usually outweighs the bad
Don't have a problem being on my own, but enjoy having someone in my life.
Just wondering if I find the strength to walk away will I ever find anyone else?
Am I setting my sights to high? I know Mr Perfect doesn't exist, but I want a warm, loving relationship with someone, is that obtainable when 50 is looming ever closer?

There are good people about; sometimes you meet someone nice at the wrong time. Sometimes you meet someone you really like who does not feel the same for you.
Life would be so boring if everyone who was available and looking was a perfect match for you at that time. Who knows what is round the corner, or who is round the corner if you are looking and available. I have met some really strange odd men through online dating. I have met some nice ones too. Life goes on.

I think that this book may be interesting reading -
"Spinster: Making a Life of One's Own" by Kate Bolick

I've only recently fallen into the looking at men over 40 group, let alone 45.

The feedback I've generally had is that, despite being 'lovely', I'm not young enough or slim enough (40, size 12) for a long term relationship. At least not one where the man doesn't make It clear he feels he has 'settled'.

I don't want a man with money or flashy gifts. I don't have an exectation of a particular lifestyle.

I want someone who still has a zest for life and thinks there's more to the weekend than lager and football.

I'm 40, but most people think I'm early 30s.

I just want someone who respects me and hasn't prematurely turned into my dad.

It seems impossible!

I thought I'd met someone a few months ago.

He ticked every single one of my must haves. And nearly all of my wish list! I thought, "this is what people mean when they just 'know'"

From the first date we were finishing each other's sentences, oblivious to everyone around us.

And he said I ticked all of his boxes too.

Except for the most important one. He saw himself being with someone younger and slimmer and didn't really have any intention of stopping looking.

Sad thing is that he isn't the sort of man the women he wants would look at twice. I thought he was gorgeous. Bit I know others wouldn't.

He was quite happy to stick with me as he realised himself he wasn't going to get one of those women. But I want more than that.

I would say there are a fair few good, decent single men over the age of 45+.

Unfortunately, unless you are looking to meet a very young widower, most 45+ single men tend to be 1) Happy/used to being single. 2) Very wary of having a woman move into their life.

Most single 45 men you'd want to date i.e. not some unemployed doley in social housing will have probably amassed a reasonable amount of assets - house, investments and the like. Most 45+ men are very aware of how a divorce could strip them of it all.

Most single 45 men you'd want to date i.e. not some unemployed doley in social housing will have probably amassed a reasonable amount of assets - house, investments and the like. Most 45+ men are very aware of how a divorce could strip them of it all.

^ this. Once bitten and all that.

Folkgirl I remember him and am glad you have moved on!

I'm a bit like you - I don't need someone with money or a high powered job, having children is fine too but as I have my own it might be better if they are older and not so reliant on him.

I don't want any more. Company would be nice. You can't qualify love, it just happens and you can go through heaps of perfectly nice men before one really, really affects you and becomes important. Until that point I would be uninterested, unbothered, and then that person appears and I'd be like, OH. NOW you're talking. Damn it!

I mean, loads of men you could date, then the one you can't NOT date. iyswim?

I just want someone honest, self aware, kind and reasonable who isn't going to turn weird on me. I'm probably not that much of a catch though myself which does make it more of a challenge I think! But I like to think I have learned some lessons along the way and am a better person for it.

Ok, here's an example of a man who is older than normal but not on the dating scene.

I'm not building myself up to be better sounding than I am. I was married for over 35 years. Had a lot of short term girlfriends when I was a teenager. Met my 'wife-to-be' when I was 18 and married at 19. Everyone said we were doomed. I finally gave up on the marriage last year after 15 years of no affection.

Now I'm 58, home owner, good job and salary, love holidays, and I cook, wash etc. (And I mow the lawn).

And I'm actually shit scared of meeting someone else, nervous about even trying the 'dating game'. Scared because I was with my ex for so long I don't know what to do anymore.

So grassneedscutting, we are out there. Just hiding

I don't think you need to do anything. Just treat a woman as a friend, be nice, smile, act like she is a neighbour or something. Then if you get on it will develop.

I don't like all the stuff where people feel like they have to put on an act or treat you in a special way. If a bloke said he wanted to 'pamper' me I'd be a mile away before he could say 'well not if you don't want me to!' Just be yourself. Be friends, then wait and see.

Decent men pop up at any age. I'm 51 and met DP age 59 last year. He was back on the market after a 5 year relationship fizzled out. He's kind, gentle, funny, eccentric, very solvent and extremely intelligent. He's had a really interesting life and is well travelled but I nearly ruled him out because he has no children. I didn't think he'd understand my priorities. He's lived on his own for almost 20 years and treated himself to early retirement 10 years ago therefore has some weird habits but it's a small price and I'm willing to pay it.
I've met quite a few duffers in the 5 years I've been single but I reckon I've probably met the man I should have been with all along.
Clearly, the woman he met 6 years ago didn't feel the same way as I do but he's exactly the same man. It's just horses for courses. One size does not fit all.

I just want someone honest, self aware, kind and reasonable who isn't going to turn weird on me.

/\ /\ /\THIS /\ /\ /\

I started looking for someone when I was 51 after ending a long marriage.
My DP was left by his DW for another man and had the usual hangups of someone who had been through a tough time. But he has a good heart, is kind and loving and likes being in a relationship. He wants to share his life and was a bit lost being single. Yes he has faults, he is a messy beggar and obsessive about his hobby ( I mean REALLY obsessive!) But he is so grateful and surprised that I think he is wonderful that he makes my life better all the time. He just went out for a takeaway, he is making me tea and fixing the roof. I'm sure I have annoying faults too but he makes me feel like the most loved and appreciated person ever. There are nice men out there!

"Most 45+ men are very aware of how a divorce could strip them of it all."

Oh yes, definitely although I'm not 45 yet.

Surely the solution to that is not getting married. There is a whole range of states between single and married.

I met mine through OD.

He wasn't really in the bargain counter at the "men who have been through the mill " shop!

He was the second one I met. If anyone wanted to meet me straight away I ruled them out.

We emailed each other for 6 weeks first...bit like sleepless in Seattle ...before taking the plunge and meeting . It gave us chance to get a rapport.

He had had three dates and they hadn't wanted to see him again and I'd had just the one.

We met up to commiserate ( not really but any excuse would do) . We'd both before we began communicating with one another only dated one person at a time. So that was nice. My first man was nice but he had dated another while I was away and they had clicked so I was pleased for him.

He just felt nice and easy to be with. Was smart without trying to hard. Funny and interesting.

Solvent, with own home and his own company. He had a lot going for him .

Don't give up. He/ she's out there .

minkGrundy

Yes, it is not getting married. In fact, its maintaining your own assets - houses, finances.

Most of the successful 45+ relationships I know tend to be the living in their own houses and keeping a degree of physical separation of assets and the like.

Most normal function acquire a lot of baggage by their mid-40s - kids, debts and the like.

A lot of times when I read threads along this vein, with someone - man or woman - bemoaning the lack of 'good available partnets 40+' I find myself asking whether the person is looking for a relationship or just a bailout - emotional/financial.

Yes, they exist. I met DP doing a joint hobby. I am in my early 40s, divorced, 2 DCs under 12. He's in his mid 50s, has grown up DCs. I am very lucky - he is kind, thoughtful, funny, handsome, very active & fit, very self aware & able to talk about how he feels & to talk things through. I think much of this is because he is older - he knows who he is & he's comfortable in his own skin. He has an ex, but v little need for any contact with her anymore. He has a great relationship with his DCs. He thinks he is lucky to have me rather than the other way round.

I wrote a list when I was single of all the "must have" and "would like" attributes I wanted in any partner. He ticks all the boxes. Why would I accept any less?

willconcern - Well done and all that.

But does not your experience - you 42ish, him 55ish - confirm the earlier poster's moan about 'decent' 45 yo men only being interested in women 30 and under?

here you're right. I'm a LP with a house (very lucky in this day and age). If I met someone I would be worried about the financial side of it and risking the dc's future financial stability.

hereandthere that may be the case, but that's the case under 45 as well, a lot of men will go for a slightly younger woman, so men in their late thirties will date late twenties. Nice men though, are not that interested in age, and the relationships I know that have started after 45 have been fairly equal in age, my mum is late sixties, so is her partner. If you hang around places similar people are, then you will find someone similar. OD again brings out the worst in people's desire to find an 'ideal type' and they start putting crazy unrealistic ages down just because they can.

meglet you don't have to get married, my mum is in a 'for life' partnership but has decided not to marry as the finances get entangled. None of these are insurmountable problems, just don't sign any legal documents which entitle the other person to a share of your assets!

I have a lovely friend who is 40+ (not sure about the 45 bit) but women aren't interested as he has DC and is their primary caree. He's perfectly normal.

*carer, not caree

"An acquaintance of mine recently married a man in his 50s who sat in front of the registrant farting. Almost every minute we saw the back view of him lifting an arse cheek to the side."

What would be the female equivalent of this man? I'm trying to think of the female version of this, or a 'cocklodger' or any of the other turn offs I read about on Mumsnet.

Golddigger I think, Mademan

I know plenty of nice men over 50.

Unfortunately, many women are shallow and won't give them a second look because they are a bit fat or losing their hair.

Really Bizzare.