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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think my father is having an affair

96 replies

nosirrah8778 · 04/07/2015 14:51

Hi everyone! I'm new to mumsnet but have always valued the time and advice of the members who go out of their way to help. Here's my issue...

This morning, I received a text message from my father. As it was the weekend, I thought it would be the usual 'Do you want to come up for Sunday dinner tomorrow?'. Unfortunately, the text message wasn't meant for me and I can't bring myself to type out the contents, but it was along the lines of something I would imagine pornstars say to one another.

I felt sick and upset. Currently, my parents are not talking, and they're relationship has been on the rocks for many years. From as young as I can remember, they spend half the year happy and half the year at each others throats (and sometimes my father moves out, then comes back after seemingly 'sorting things out' with my mother). I know that both my parents are unhappy, but I never imagined any one of them would go and have an affair.

I rang my dad straight away and asked him about it. He denied any knowledge of the message and didn't know what I was on about. I forwarded it back to him, and he appeared disgusted by the content. What was worse was that the text-style of his response was consistent with the that of the dirty message (typos, accents on certain letters etc).

I asked him to come to my place for a chat as I felt upset and uncomfortable with the situation. I asked him over and over again whether he was having an affair, and he denied it each time. He even joked around (a slight smile and gave a light pally punch on my arm as if implying 'don't be silly'). He kept saying he will not admit to something that isn't true, with a serious face and looked me in the eyes. He admitted being unhappy in the marriage, but asked why I thought he would seek an affair after 30 years of being with my mother.

He later explained that he's been receiving strange text messages since replacing his phone, and that he's been in touch with the operator to get it stopped. His phone is PAYG so can't imagine that someone could hack into his phone to wrack up bills. Also, there's a difference between receiving and sending messages.

I don't know what to believe. Under any other circumstances I would have probably believed him, but unfortunately I have seen the message. I don't want my mother to be made a fool of, but my father is adamant he's not done anything. I don't know what to do for the best. There is no right or wrong answer, and I understand there will be repercussions no matter what I decide to do.

OP posts:

laurierf · 14/07/2015 17:09

Having had this experience with DH, I think I would have to be honest with my mum and tell her I don't know what's being said in counselling and that is between them, that it's up to them what they decide about their marriage and I can't and shouldn't have to give any advice on that, that I have received these text messages, he has denied it meant anything, and that I feel she should be going into the counselling sessions with that information.

MIL was furious with FIL, not DH, for putting his son in that position. All her anger was directed at FIL. But she also sat in talks with FIL taking on blame and thinking about how she could/should have been a better wife… when she would have been much better served getting solo counselling because he was already mentally moving in with the OW.

FelicityGubbins · 14/07/2015 17:12

It was a question, not advice lying, and I certainly wouldn't feel "humiliated" at my dc asking advice from my sister if it was something with the potential to be life changing...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/07/2015 17:17

You're right, Felicity. I think OP's mum knows fine well what's going on but of course, I don't know that. Thinking that she knows but doesn't want anybody else to know is what coloured my post to you, sorry.

laurierf · 14/07/2015 17:28

she would have been much better served getting solo counselling because he was already mentally moving in with the OW

and what I mean by that is: he was waiting for OW to make her decision so going along to counselling with his wife to keep his options open.

That is what MIL found hardest of all - the fact that decisions about her future were being made by other people, in conversations she wasn't party to. But, again, she did not blame DH for doing what he honestly thought was best, because he honestly, truly believed his DF was going to stop the affair and try his hardest to work things out with his DM.

Scoobydoo8 · 14/07/2015 18:27

I would say to DM - look at this weird txt I got from DF - he explained it's since he's had his new phone, how weird is that?

Otherwise you are carrying a stressful burden - putting on a pretence to your DM that all is well, putting on a pretence to your DF that you believe him. Who wants that??? No way, pass the ball back to them and leave them to it.

pocketsaviour · 14/07/2015 18:29

"I've been receiving random texts recently"

What, and he decided to reply to them, with graphic sexual references?

OP if you do decide to tell your mum, you may need to educate her about what phones can and cannot do, so she doesn't fall for his bullshit excuses.

RedXan · 14/07/2015 18:39

A few years ago my cousin caught my dad out on a date with the OW :(
She rang my sister and I, we had the awful job of job of asking my mum to leave work to come home and there we told her what had happened.
We had to pull her out of work and tell her first before my cousin spread it further and other family members could start calling her whilst she was in work.
It was a fucking awful thing to have to tell her. They're still together but I know it still bothers her. I could never keep such a thing from my mother. However much I love my dad.

jenenberry · 14/07/2015 18:58

A few years ago my cousin caught my dad out on a date with the OW

Why do people who cheat do this? Surely they can't be so stupid as to not realize that if they go out crawl out from under their stones there's a very high risk that somebody WILL see them. And it WILL get back.
It's a small world.

Why don't they just stick to shagging the OW in secret and hidden behind closed doors.

Why would he want to go out in the daylight - on a date with her?
No wonder the idiots get caught.

oabiti · 14/07/2015 20:52

I really feel for you, op. And I wonder if the suspected OW has the same name as you?

Like other posters have said, get some distance between your father for now and maybe increase the emotional support for your mother (if you so wish).

It only seems like a matter of time before your DF accidentally sends a saucy text to your unsuspecting DM which was meant for the OW

Original poster

nosirrah8778 · 15/07/2015 18:21

Following a conversation with my mother on the phone last night, who was feeling down with a 'can't be bothered anymore' attitude, I can't help but feel wronged.

She said that she feels there is no future for her and my father anymore, and that she doesn't know if she can be bothered to put the effort in to fix it if she feels that way. I said quite firmly that I think it's best if I distance myself from them for the time being, as I feel like their issues are bringing me down and that I'm fed up of listening and trying to help because it's wasting my time. Maybe I was a bit harsh, but I felt I had to be cruel to be kind. My mother responded in a way which made me feel really bad, as if implying 'yes, you go ahead and think about yourself from now on, don't worry about me, you go and live your life while I'm here suffering'. I had no option but to end the call as I was furious. One - she has no idea what burden I'm currently carrying to justify my behaviour. Two - I'm doing what is best, which is not to get involved and leaving them both to sort out their own marital affairs. Part of me wanted to just blurt it out just to prove why I'm behaving like this, and it was so hard to bite my tongue.

I spoke to my counsellor today about the situation, and although he didn't tell me exactly to not get involved, he explained that the situation could turn pear-shaped if I tell my mother. In the 'Drama Triangle' theory, my father is the 'Persecutor', my mother is the 'Victim, and I am the 'Resolver'. If I as the resolver tells the victim about the persecutor, it's likely that my mother will become a 'Persecutor' too and turn on me, and I'll feel like the 'Victim'. Not sure if that makes sense to everyone, but in my head it does.

I'm still not sure I've come to terms with my decision not to say anything, as all the negatives of keeping quiet are still playing around in my mind.

OP posts:

Weebirdie · 15/07/2015 18:33

I think if your mum is feeling the way she is. That that she cant really be bothered anymore with her marriage. I think its safe to say that telling her about whats going on would have been welcomed by her.

The current reality is this - whether you tell her or not you're going to be in the wrong. I think it just needs to be decided by you which one your going to chose and after last nights phone call which I think was a mess because it really was going against what you are instinctively feeling and what you said probably came out all wrong. So, I would go round to see her and say - actually, this is whats happening and its why I said what I did yesterday.

laurierf · 15/07/2015 18:37

I know this is incredibly hard for you and that conversation must have been awful. But she's been dumped by her husband in a very nasty manner and feels that the counselling isn't working and that there's probably no future… probably because he's going through the motions whilst having an affair. She doesn't have the full information. The situation has already turned pear-shaped and you've have been placed in a truly horrible position. But please remember it wasn't your mother who put you in that position. Can it be made much worse by telling her?

Dead · 15/07/2015 20:00

You dont need to tell your mother that you DF is having an affair - as you do not know this to be the case.

But you can gives her the facts and she can do whatever she likes - investigate, challenge, put her head in the sand - it might just be the missing piece of a jigsaw that she has floating around in her head.

Everyone who as been the betrayed on this thread to date - would want to know - it happened to me and the relationship with OW was very public - no doubt I was the last to know - I wanted to know who else knew - his mother and work colleagues and friends did - I felt stupid and humiliated - I wish someone had been brave and thought of me rather their own discomfort.

revealall · 15/07/2015 20:43

I think you should show your mother the texts. The least painful way to get through separation is to have the truth. Half truths and communication gaps lead to fasle hope or making plans that are based on crap and doomed to fail ( possibly the counselling).

I would be upset that if my father was being such a bully about telling anyone about the texts. You are his daughter regardless of their marriage is working or not. If it fails that's up to them.
If it helps everyone denies cheating at first apparently. No idea why,

Lottapianos · 16/07/2015 08:03

OP, my mother has played the burning martyr card with me too and its grossly unfair. It is not your job to make her happy and you are not her counsellor. I fully understand why she's hurt and angry, but its your father who deserves those feelings, not you. My parents stayed together in a miserable marriage 'for the children' and I found that they expected us kids to make up that happiness deficit. Its a horrible burden to carry and you don't have to accept it.

MonstrousRatbag · 16/07/2015 14:48

No, no, stay out of it. If your mother doesn't come to her own decision about your father she will probably blame you for staying or going forever more. And he certainly weill. Stick to telling both of them you don't want to know.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 16/07/2015 15:03

Stay out of it. No good will come of getting involved. Start setting boundaries and concentrate on yourself. You have been worrying about their feelings for long enough and it has not been reciprocated.

laurierf · 16/07/2015 23:28

You have been worrying about their feelings for long enough and it has not been reciprocated

The mother doesn't actually know what situation her daughter has been put in.

Atenco · 17/07/2015 02:50

Stay out of it all, OP. Your parents marital disagreements and sex life should be of no concern of yours.

Fwiw, a neighbour of mine told her mother about her father's infidelity and it was like a bomb had exploded in her hands. The entire family saw her as the enemy.

Joysmum · 17/07/2015 07:16

I feel for you. When my parents marriage ended both thought that talking to me like an adult meant confiding in me like a friend. That's fine normally but not regarding each other because it hurt me and was inappropriate

I told them so and it stopped. Thank goodness I was able to say that and they were able to appreciate it.

Original poster

nosirrah8778 · 17/07/2015 09:05

That's exactly what my counsellor warned me about Atenco. In my head I'd be doing a good thing but I doubt some of my family will see it that way, especially my youngest sister who longs so much for her parents to stay together, no matter what difficulties their facing.

OP posts:

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