I think my father is having an affair

[nosirrah8778]

Hi everyone! I'm new to mumsnet but have always valued the time and advice of the members who go out of their way to help. Here's my issue...

This morning, I received a text message from my father. As it was the weekend, I thought it would be the usual 'Do you want to come up for Sunday dinner tomorrow?'. Unfortunately, the text message wasn't meant for me and I can't bring myself to type out the contents, but it was along the lines of something I would imagine pornstars say to one another.

I felt sick and upset. Currently, my parents are not talking, and they're relationship has been on the rocks for many years. From as young as I can remember, they spend half the year happy and half the year at each others throats (and sometimes my father moves out, then comes back after seemingly 'sorting things out' with my mother). I know that both my parents are unhappy, but I never imagined any one of them would go and have an affair.

I rang my dad straight away and asked him about it. He denied any knowledge of the message and didn't know what I was on about. I forwarded it back to him, and he appeared disgusted by the content. What was worse was that the text-style of his response was consistent with the that of the dirty message (typos, accents on certain letters etc).

I asked him to come to my place for a chat as I felt upset and uncomfortable with the situation. I asked him over and over again whether he was having an affair, and he denied it each time. He even joked around (a slight smile and gave a light pally punch on my arm as if implying 'don't be silly'). He kept saying he will not admit to something that isn't true, with a serious face and looked me in the eyes. He admitted being unhappy in the marriage, but asked why I thought he would seek an affair after 30 years of being with my mother.

He later explained that he's been receiving strange text messages since replacing his phone, and that he's been in touch with the operator to get it stopped. His phone is PAYG so can't imagine that someone could hack into his phone to wrack up bills. Also, there's a difference between receiving and sending messages.

I don't know what to believe. Under any other circumstances I would have probably believed him, but unfortunately I have seen the message. I don't want my mother to be made a fool of, but my father is adamant he's not done anything. I don't know what to do for the best. There is no right or wrong answer, and I understand there will be repercussions no matter what I decide to do.

We see a lot of threads where an OP is waiting for proof before they feel able to leave a relationship, maybe your mum feels the same and this text would help any niggles she might have fall into place?

On the other hand my ex-MIL knew 99% her H was playing around but turned a blind eye for many years as she didn't want to "break up the family". She only left when her H's behaviour became so blatant that she could no longer ignore it but she's still not truly moved on.

You know your mum best, but I guess if they've split up/reunited a few times already then she probably knows the score without having to see your DF's text.

In response to the posters who say I should tell my mother, the unprotected sex and STDs have worried me. My father can be quite impulsive and not think before doing some things, and as he's had a vasectomy, it's possible using protection is something he won't worry about as there's no risk of getting anyone pregnant.

My ex-partner unfortunately gave me an STD. If it hadn't been for the other woman confessing she'd been sleeping with him, I would not have gone to the clinic, and God knows how long the infection would have been ruining my insides.

Then again, both my parents have said they have not been 'intimate' for a very long time, so it's either there's no chance of anything being passed on, or she would have gotten checked anyway due to possible doubts.

If your dad is telling the truth (which I'm pretty sure he isn't) then he wouldn't have a problem showing your mum except for sparing her blushes at the language. You could say 'did dad tell you about those filthy messages his phone is sending to people?'

How old are they (& how come they talk to you about whether they are intimate?).

Is it possible he's left in the past as an affair has been discovered? Could you ask your mum and see what she says to 'why did Dad keep moving out?'

In response to your question TummyButtonFluff they are both in their early 50s. Us children have always been in the centre of their arguments, and I suppose as a result we find out more details than we probably should know about.

I'm not sure why he used to leave when I was younger, but in my adult life he's stormed out in a rage several times due to an argument and then never comes home. When I ask my mother what the argument was about, she says it's always the same things - they don't talk, they can't agree on anything, they're like housemates rather than a couple, they don't do anything together, he doesn't appreciate her or isn't grateful for anything she does. From his side, it's always that whenever they have an argument my mother doesn't admit fault and it's always him who has to say sorry, he can't do anything he wants in his own house, she says she'd like to do things with him (e.g. cinema) but whenever he offers she's not interested so feels like she says one thing but means another. Silly things really.

Anyone can see that they argue over things which any other couple would resolve quite easily once each person calms down. They seem to turn the smallest tiffs into massive arguments which last for months on end, and us children suffer because they can't be adults and talk to one another. We as children feel sometimes we're being used as the middle-man to communicate what they want to say to one another, which isn't fair and I'm sick of it. We don't want to get involved but can't help but being dragged in.

Am I being told the truth by my parents? Who knows. They may be telling me the above just to protect me and there's more to it than that.

I don't know what to advise.

My sons found their dad with the ow months before I found out.

They didn't tell me. Just kept saying things tome like kick him out etc which I couldn't understand.

The big doo doo told me on Xmas day. I kept going into the bedroom to cry. Think of Emma Thompson in love actually.

Gathered them together on boxing day only to be told by them that they knew.

With hindsight I'd rather be told.

Maybe it's time to say to dad..tell mum or I will.

It would have saved me months and months of tears and heart ache.
It's horrible .but often when they get careless like that it's their subconscious wanting it out in the open. His royal doo doo was parading the ow round town hopefully word would get back and he wouldn't have to tell me.

Your parents relationship sounds pretty terrible, and maybe your father is having an affair. However you say OP that as children you are always being drawn into the arguments or dynamics of your parents relationship.
Why dont you just just stop ? You are an adult now i presume, tell your father you do not believe his explanation , but it is none of your business and can he please keep his private live private.
I would hazard a guess your mother probably knows, after all if they really are living as you describe - housemates/not talking for months etc who could blame either of them for looking outside of what must be a miserable existence

Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that Dowser. How did you feel towards your sons knowing that they knew all along?

Yes theredjellybean I'm hitting the big 3-0 now! It's difficult to stay out of their arguments really. I've tried many times. I keep telling them I don't want to get involved, but they keep ringing me to talk about their problems (because they need advice or a listening ear) or they want to talk to me about it when I see them in person. In their eyes, talking to us about their relationship isn't getting us 'involved' because they're not asking us to 'take sides'. It's just they want to rant and we're stupid enough to listen.

I would hazard a guess she may very well not know. Those who do know when their partners are playing away are in a minority; most just wouldn't believe it and are deeply shocked when the truth comes out.

what would I do? I'd send the text to your mum, or show her, and then I'd back right out, very clearly telling them both you will no longer be involved in any griping or 'sharing' (ffs!). It is intolerable you have been dragged into all this shit all these years. Makes me very cross, actually - what kind of shit-awful legacy has that left you with?

Boundaries , nosirrah! Do some boundary work - classes, books, etc. There is a very good book called 'Boundaries' by Dr Henry Cloud - it is written by a christian but tbh it's one of the best books around on boundaries; and 'christian' [aka middle class] principles are very much part of our culture iyswim.

Think children. re setting boundaries with children: no means no. YOu don't have to talk to her/them, you don't have to listen. You can say 'I am not prepared to talk about this mum/dad' like a stuck record. And stick to it.

big 30 is not old...:)
and i do think that even as adults we are never 'adults' when it comes to relationship with parents....I really feel for you ...your parents need a lesson in boundaries .

Sounds like a horrible situation to be in nosirrah8778

Next time you speak with your DM could you not just ask her whether your DF has managed to get to the bottom of his phone hacking problem and go from there.

That way you are not saying you don't believe his explanation but you are putting it out there to your DM to make up her own mind whether she ignores it or does something about it? If it is as innocent as your DF makes out then he should have no issue in your DM being aware of it.

I know, springydaffs - it's been awful for us children growing up. All we ever wanted/still want is for our parents to be happy, no matter what that means i.e. together or split up. I will certainly look into that book. Sounds like it will give some helpful tips!

That sounds like a good option FrancoisLaPrune. Definitely something worth considering. That way, I'm not saying anything, but allowing my mother to make up her mind as she has done all these years.

I'm still mulling things over at this moment in time, though. All of the comments, suggestions, opinions and help are greatly appreciate. Thanks all!

OP hugely unhealthy to disclose to children like that. Have you seen a counsellor ir have they?

Hey all - it's been a while and I haven't updated you on what's happened!

Following an intense discussion with my father asking him to sort things out with my mother, he later broke up with her via text message and was quite nasty in the text exchange. I was called to my mother's house on that evening as she was distraught. She had only asked him to go to the house so that they could sort their issues out like adults, but he said there was no point as their marriage was over.

The following day, he went to the house and he and my mother agreed to have marriage counselling. I decided at this point that I would not get further involved as there seemed to be a commitment from both of them to get their marriage back on track. I have since tried to forget about the text and all that happened - after all why would someone who's having an affair agree to try and fix a marriage that their heart isn't in?!

My parents had their first counselling session yesterday evening, and this morning I was on the bus on my way to work when my father sent me a text asking for the number of the counsellor again, as he was going to book another session for the following week. Another text message later followed, again not for me. A 'Good morning babe xxx' text which obviously was meant for someone else. When I asked him what it was about, he said it was a joke (my father has never called me 'babe' or finished his texts to me with kisses). How is that text meant to be interpreted as a joke?

Again, my father has sworn that he's not having an affair. He got angry with me, then was sympathetic, then got angry again and then got emotional. He told me that if I told my mother about the text and implied to her that he's having an affair, then me and him would be through and that he would never speak to me again for breaking his marriage up. He told me he loves my mother, that they are having counselling to get their marriage back on track, and that he wouldn't be doing so if he didn't want to.

PLEASE HELP ... AGAIN!!!

Jesus OP, what a mess. I have absolutely tons of sympathy for you - I have been there in terms of finding out my father has been having affairs, and in terms of being dragged into my parents' relationship and being treated like some kind of amateur counsellor.

He is most definitely having an affair. Grim for you on every level. He absolutely has to sort out this texting nonsense - you should not have to deal with any of his rotten conversations. He has turned very nasty after you've confronted him with the truth and threatened to act on it - that must be very shocking and hurtful for you.

I don't know what to advise you other than this - you MUST start refusing to listen to any further details about their relationship. Boundaries! No details about counselling sessions or arguments or anything of that nature. I did this with my parents by just being a lot less available - I visited less, texted less, phoned them less, was just not around very much. That may or may not work for you. You need to withdraw from their relationship - it is not appropriate for you to be hearing intimate details of what is going on between them. You do not need this kind of stress and its grossly unfair of both of them to be offloading on you like this. That's what you're meant to do with friends, not your children, even if they are adults.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this x

He's lying to you.
Once you have proof you should tell your mother.

It's bad enough when other women collude with each other to keep the wronged woman in the dark (the wife is often the last to know)
but it would be especially worse for you, her own daughter, to keep her in the dark.

And when the shit hits the fan (which it wil,l eventually), she will be very hurt if she finds out her own daughter suspected something and yet chose to 'keep out of it' and not tell her.

I see there's been an update.

The way he's panicking about you telling your mother about the text PROVES that he was (maybe still is) up to something.

But, I think you should step back from things now - it will get messy (he's not going to change his spots) and this marriage counseling will likely be an ineffective sticking plaster on a huge gaping wound.

I feel sorry for your mother and you - He sounds like a piece of work (what father threatens his own daughter with not speaking to her again)

What is considered 'proof' jenenberry? I have the texts, but don't know whether that's considered proof?

Sorry, this sounds quite patronising but I don't mean it in that way! Just don't know how to ask the question.

OP, I agree with pp, you may never forgive yourself if you let your DF persuade you to collude against your DM. It's disgraceful of your DF to place you in the invidious position that he has. Stand firm with your DM, IMO DF will not carry out his threat to blank you, it's just the rather typical threat of a person in a panic.

Make out everythings hunkydory, then pay them a visit.
You need to visit and somehow get hold of his phone.
Once you have the phone you can look at logs and numbers. You can get a name.

The fact he keeps accidentally sending the texts to you proves that he isn't very savvy using a phone, so it shouldn't be too difficult to do some (subtle) detective work.

It's no good you asking him any more questions. He sounds like a compulsive liar. You will never get a clear cut answer.

But, having said the above - are you sure you want to get involved? Sounds like it could get messy.

Dont let your fathers bully boy tactics put you off telling your mum whats going on. And you may also want to add to your dad - blank me if you like dad cos lets face it being your daughter isn't that great.

I think you should stay out of it now. Your mother has the information already, she must do by now, and they've been for counselling. It's not your fight. Tell both your parents that you don't want to be involved in their relationship issues anymore - and tell your dad that you will block him from your phone if you receive one more mis-sent message from him.

Step away from both of them and tell them to sort it out and leave you out of it.

Yes, that's a thought. You mother may already know!
Hopefully she does.
Knowledge is power.

Thanks jenenberry. The issue I have is that I'm not sure where he's staying at the moment. He's not currently living with my mother as they both decided that being apart temporarily whilst having counselling was the best thing to do. After the counselling, they were either going to separate or work at their marriage.

He's had a new phone, so is probably still trying to get used to it and making a few costly errors in the process.

I know I'm not going to get any more out of him, but his reaction has caused me a lot of hurt and upset, and as you say FredaMayor my gut tells me he's reacted out of panic.

I was hoping that I could draw a line under the first text, and I felt that a huge weight was lifted off my shoulder when I'd made the decision to keep quiet and not get involved. But now it's happened again and I'm wondering how long I should keep ignoring it, because who's to say there won't be a third text?