I think my father is having an affair

[nosirrah8778]

Hi everyone! I'm new to mumsnet but have always valued the time and advice of the members who go out of their way to help. Here's my issue...

This morning, I received a text message from my father. As it was the weekend, I thought it would be the usual 'Do you want to come up for Sunday dinner tomorrow?'. Unfortunately, the text message wasn't meant for me and I can't bring myself to type out the contents, but it was along the lines of something I would imagine pornstars say to one another.

I felt sick and upset. Currently, my parents are not talking, and they're relationship has been on the rocks for many years. From as young as I can remember, they spend half the year happy and half the year at each others throats (and sometimes my father moves out, then comes back after seemingly 'sorting things out' with my mother). I know that both my parents are unhappy, but I never imagined any one of them would go and have an affair.

I rang my dad straight away and asked him about it. He denied any knowledge of the message and didn't know what I was on about. I forwarded it back to him, and he appeared disgusted by the content. What was worse was that the text-style of his response was consistent with the that of the dirty message (typos, accents on certain letters etc).

I asked him to come to my place for a chat as I felt upset and uncomfortable with the situation. I asked him over and over again whether he was having an affair, and he denied it each time. He even joked around (a slight smile and gave a light pally punch on my arm as if implying 'don't be silly'). He kept saying he will not admit to something that isn't true, with a serious face and looked me in the eyes. He admitted being unhappy in the marriage, but asked why I thought he would seek an affair after 30 years of being with my mother.

He later explained that he's been receiving strange text messages since replacing his phone, and that he's been in touch with the operator to get it stopped. His phone is PAYG so can't imagine that someone could hack into his phone to wrack up bills. Also, there's a difference between receiving and sending messages.

I don't know what to believe. Under any other circumstances I would have probably believed him, but unfortunately I have seen the message. I don't want my mother to be made a fool of, but my father is adamant he's not done anything. I don't know what to do for the best. There is no right or wrong answer, and I understand there will be repercussions no matter what I decide to do.

Tell him that you'll block him if there is and there won't be. Do you WANT to be involved in their relationship, OP? I don't think so - and you have no idea what is going on between your mum and dad so now that they've had counselling and are not living together, there's no need to put yourself into it.

I think you will have to repeat like a mantra 'I don't want to get involved in your marriage' for almost every interaction. Why is he contacting you about the counsellor's number, it's nothing to do with you? Your dad is dragging you into his mess in a most unpleasant way and the best thing you can do is firmly get yourself out of it.

The thing with the texts is somewhat but not decisively incriminating, it's not really proof. One of my siblings did tell my mum what was going on, but to be honest, I was quite cross with her having done an ostrich impression prior to that when it was obvious to everyone around her he was playing away except her- she was willfully keeping herself ignorant if you ask me. My sibling's intervention meant she could no longer keep her head in the sand but it all blew up in a nasty way and the sibling felt guilty for years.

I wouldn't say anything about the texts, if your marriage is rocky, your husband has left you and you are living apart and is talking about separating, then surely your mum's imagination could run to thinking about if he has another woman. If not, I don't see you will really help her, as those texts are rather vague and could be explained away if she was in a mind to believe him.

I find it astonishing that people don't think about whether their partners are having an affair when they are doing such amazingly obvious things, at least it must cross your mind a tiny bit, even if you dismiss it.

No, LyingWitchInTheWardrobe, but I want to do the right thing and I have too much of a conscience.

Also, how will I be able to pretend around my parents/family that things are fine when my relationship with my father after this will never be the same? He's called his own daughter all the names under the sun, and I'm meant to forgive and forget while he carries on living his double life with no remorse or care for his own family?

Sorry, feeling a bit emotional right now

my father has sworn that he's not having an affair. He got angry with me, then was sympathetic, then got angry again and then got emotional. He told me that if I told my mother about the text and implied to her that he's having an affair, then me and him would be through and that he would never speak to me again for breaking his marriage up. He told me he loves my mother, that they are having counselling to get their marriage back on track, and that he wouldn't be doing so if he didn't want to

Pretty much word for word what happened with FIL after he accidentally sent DH a message for the OW (same sort of message). He told DH it would be his fault if he told MIL and ended their marriage (the one they were committed to working on because they were having counselling) because the text was just something between friends, nothing physical and just some light relief from the problems of the marriage/MLC, which he was committed to working on. Obviously it was DH's call (who got all the emotional blackmail) whether to tell MIL. Neither of us believed there'd been nothing of any significance going on to that point, but did believe he'd put a stop to it after such an awful conversation. FIL left MIL a couple of months later for the OW having not given her a single clue that it was coming.

Oh god, what a hideous position to find yourself in, OP. Sorry to say it but it does sound like he's lying, and it sounds like you know it too. Maybe you could ask him if he's told your mum about the weird messages he's apparently been getting. The implied threat that you'll reveal it to her may be enough for him to come clean. Alternatively, I'd be inclined to spell out to him what an uncomfortable position you now find yourself in, with split loyalties etc, appeal to his better nature? Sorry you've had this happen to you.

Maybe on some level he wants you to tell your mother? To do his dirty work for him, so to speak?

Your mother may know or suspect. It may be a large part of why they've had difficulties.

I know it is hard but I think you should still stay out of it. It is up to them to come to terms, or not.

OP, you do not KNOW what is happening in their marriage. I would tell BOTH of them that you are their child and will not be involved in it anymore.

If your father has called you names then that is a separate issue and you need to tackle him about that - why not just block him on your phone, you have cause and it will a) stop the texts and b) give you space from him at the moment.

I think you're being over-dramatic saying 'things will never be the same'... I understand it though. He is your father, you are not in a marriage relationship with him. He is still your father but you are not in control - nor should you be - of his life or your mother's. Has it ever occurred to you that they have an 'arrangement'? They're no longer living together. That should speak volumes.

If you want a relationship with your parents then accept them for the fallible people they (and all of us) are and let them get on with their own relationship together, it's nothing to do with you. I mean it kindly but you are over-invested in matters that do not - and should not - concern you.

Draw a line, you've told your father how you feel - it might be a huge mistake to tell your mum something that she perhaps thinks you do not know, you would be bringing the realisation home to her. It is HER job to sort her relationship with HER husband, not yours as their child.

Thanks Ahemily. I did threaten him (although I still haven't made up my mind) by saying that I am going to tell my mother, and now was the time to come claen. He still denied any wrongdoing. I also explained how horrible this situation is, but he didn't seem to care. All he did was say over and over again that he's not having an affair and that he wants nothing to do with me if I break up his marriage. No care whatsoever! He seems to be more concerned with saving his own skin.

I've also been diagnosed with a mental health problem, and I would have thought my own father would be the first to care about my mental wellbeing.

OP, how do you think your mum would feel if she found you you knew and had kept it from her? Do you think you could ever convince her you really weren't up to your neck in it with your dad? That you were condoning his behaviour?

You say you want to 'do the right thing' but I honestly think the right thing is to absolutely refuse to discuss it with either of them at all. Blocking your dad's number temporarily is a good idea, no danger of stray texts or inappropriate messages. Say 'I am upset by the way you spoke to me, you are angry at me for something that is not my fault, I'll call you' and you can call him if and when you feel like it.

I would also brace yourself they are on the rocks and will probably split up, it sounds highly unstable and if they are living apart, it's hard to see how they are going to get back together (and this has been happening on and off for years).

Wow, what a lovely way to treat you both, OP! I'm afraid there seems to be a distinct lack of respect for two of the women in his life.

To an extent I agree with the many people who are urging you to stay out of it now - especially in light of your own MH problems at the moment. That said, if it were me in your position, I think I'd have to tell my mum.

How was your relationship with your dad before this episide? Were you close?

Thanks Thenapoleonofcrime. Part of me wants them to split up once and for all so that we all (parents and siblings) can get on with our lives as we should have done all those years ago. My gut tells me though that they'll just get back together again, and the vicious circle will continue. I want both my parents to have a chance at happiness, but I honestly truly do not believe that happiness is them two being together.

So yes I'm bracing myself for them splitting, but I believe it will only be for the short-term until it goes back to being all that I know.

I think I would tell her only what you can prove. Which is the existence of the two text messages. You can say you have informed your father they arrived and he denied that he was having an affair. The rest is for your mum to sort out but please don't let her waste her time in counselling, potentially putting herself through a very emotionally draining process, with someone who doesn't give a shit. This happened to a friend of mine years ago and to this day he is still more bitter that his wife went on with the counselling whilst continuing the affair than anything else. It's a double betrayal. As to his threats towards you - a further betrayal still.

But- tell the mum what? That the OP got a couple of texts that may have been meant for someone else, but that the dad explained he'd been getting random texts lately.

I wouldn't buy it, but deluded head in the sand mum might. Sorry- but this marriage has been on and off for years, he has left many times, it's hardly like it's going to have never been on the cards for them to have other relationships, if he's living separately. It is up to the two people in the marriage to consider and police any extra marital activities- if my husband cheated on me and my children knew I would be very angry at him for putting my children in this awful position, not cross at them because they didn't tell on one of their parents.

Is there anyone you can confide in on your mum's side? A best friend or sibling of hers that you could talk to? I would also very plainly state to df that it is he who will lose you and won't ever be spoken to again rather than him being the one in control, he is emotionally blackmailing you and that needs stepping on firmly irrespective of whether you tell your dm or not..

I think that is dreadful advice, Felicity. Not only are you encouraging OP to carry on with this involvement but also to drag somebody else into it. How humiliating for OP's mother that would be.

It's hard to explain my relationship with my father Ahemily - we don't have much in common, so our conversations mainly centered around cars and money. Saying that, if I ever needed advice or help, he would always do his best. It's always been my mother's job to do the emotional things - I guess that's why there's the mother-daughter bond - but to say he wouldn't try to offer emotional support would be unfair. It was also considered my mother's job to attend parents evenings and things like that, whereas my father's job was to provide for the family.

It's a good point, thenapoleon, I too would be furious with my DH for putting our DCs in such a horrible position. But I can't say that my humiliation wouldn't be compounded by knowing that I was the last one to find out about it. It's a really, really difficult situation, I really feel for you OP.

That's awful OP.

He's lying - just his body language, with the determined looking you in the eyes, etc, speaks volumes.

I wonder how he made such a stupid mistake in the first place, sending the message to you instead of her. His heart must have dropped when he realised. Is there anyone in his phone book who's first name begins with the same letter as yours?

Scratch that, discovering who it is isn't the issue I guess.

It sounds like despite the fact that they are locked in a cycle of leaving/getting back together, they don't actually want to change it. Perhaps it's dramatic, a soulmate story (in their minds) or perhaps it's just fear of the unknown. Whatever the case, it's not like a naive wife thinking they are blissfully unhappy and then finding out about an affair. They CHOOSE to live like this, they have an easy out, as they have already separated, and they choose not to take it. Who knows why?

Be less involved, keep out of it, and let your dad know his behaviour and attitude towards you is not fine at all. I wouldn't be calling him that much at the moment.

please don't let her waste her time in counselling, potentially putting herself through a very emotionally draining process, with someone who doesn't give a shit. This happened to a friend of mine years ago and to this day he is still more bitter that his wife went on with the counselling whilst continuing the affair than anything else. It's a double betrayal.

Yes, she could end up bitter that she wasted time on counselling with someone who is seeing an OW on the side.
This is why I would be very tempted to tell my mother.

But my mother is not your mother and you are not me.
It's for you to decide. Your call.

Ahemily... I understand how that mortifying thing can happen ONCE, I can't see how anybody could ever let it happen TWICE. To his daughter.

Nor me LyingWitchInTheWardrobe ... you'd think after the first time he'd be more careful the second time!

So sorry - I'd missed the update about the second text. This is just ridiculous, what is the matter with him?! You must be next to each other in his phone book, but why the fuck you wouldn't be EXTRA VIGILANT after making the mistake once is beyond me.

I don't know if this is good advice or not, but part of me feels that, by keeping it from your mum, you're almost telling him it's okay to treat her like crap and emotionally blackmail you. It's so unfair.