My mother has cut me out of her life - long sorry

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I posted on here a while back asking the question "Would you cut your mother out of your life" because of a really hurtful thing she did to me which she refuses to apologise for. I think my position has always been that it would be the last resort - I think my question should really have read "would you risk your mother cutting you out of HER life?". Well I risked it and she has...

Sorry to go over old ground but she told me over a year ago that my SIL found it hard to be around my son who has special needs. I didn't confront my brother and SIL until recently because they are really unapproachable and part of me felt that I had to just live with it. It came out a few months ago in a bit of heated discussion with my brother about something else. I immediately apologised to my mum for the way I had delivered it to my brother but said I felt it did need to be addressed (I have to protect my son, he will pick up on people's feelings about him). My mum denied having said anything of the sort and she, my SIL and brother all called me a liar (SIL said some really nasty things) and said I had invented the whole conversation, and my mum got the rest of the family to gang up on me.

My mum has said very little to my face but has badmouthed me and manipulated behind the scenes including trying to get the one (older)brother who has stood by me against me against me, accusing me of splitting up the family, etc.

Me and my older brother sent her an email telling her that we don't like the way the family operates, the scapegoating, backstabbing, and manipulating that goes on. We also told her that we wanted her to acknolwedge how bad our childhood was (my stepdad was physically and emotionally abusive to us both for several years, my mum left us home alone when we were really small, etc). We told my mum that this has really affected our lives (Neither me or b have much inner confidence and I still have nightmares about the past. I am having counselling now).

My mum said nothing to me and b but showed my younger brother and sister the letter (even though we asked her not to and to talk to us about it instead)and my sister had a go at me, said my mum was really upset and had told her what had "really happened" and that we had made it all up, it wasn't that bad. I sent an email asking to be treated with more respect or be left alone. I heard nothing from any of them till now.

My mum recently started texting and contacting my older b, we are both certain she was doing her usual "divide and rule" bit, trying to get him on side so I am the one left out. He emailed her back a few days ago and said she must apologise to me for calling me a liar and take on board our concerns if she wants a relationship with either of us. I have to say, I never wanted to issue ultimatums, but could not live with the alternatives which would be to just not be myself or true to myself.

My mum has emailed him back and said it is too late, we have both hurt her to much and it is beyond redemption and that we need to sort our own lives out and leave her to get on with hers. She called me false because I had a close relationship with her and never said anything like this before. I accept that I did used to just say "the past is the past" and because I have always been too petrified of losing her to ever cross her, so have accepted blame, guilt, comments behind my back about me and DH, and have carried on being loving and compliant towards her till now. We did have a "close" relationship but on the basis that I agreed with everything she said.

I feel okay, actually. I suppose I have been slowly accepting this may be the outcome for months. But I can't quite believe that rather than discuss things, debate things, get things out into the open and (what is hardest for her - apologise)so we can move on to a new and better level in our dealings with her she is willing instead to lose two of her children. Just feel sad about that really...

Sorry, didnt mean to rant on so long. Mind you it could have been worse as I have only written about 5% of what has gone on . Have read a lot of the other posts and just feel so comforted to know that that I am not alone.

Have been in counselling a couple of times and it really helps while I am in but things tend to build up after the sessions finish. I am realising now that this is because although I have recieved help she is still just carrying on.

I know what I need to do and that is not allow them contact with my kids. I have tried to do it before when my Mum cut me off when my eldest was two months old because I did not agree with her advice to put him on solids (as she did with my sister apparently) because he was not gaining weight. I knew then that things were never going to change if she could do that when I had just had her first grand child but my DH has a close relationship with his family and did not really understand how dysfunctional mine were. He thought it would be unfair not to allow our DS to see his Grand parents. DH has witnessed a lot over the years and wants us to put a stop to it now.

Having been told many times over the years by my parents that I am a "Drama Queen", "I'm only joking, God you really have no sense of humour do you?" as well as the other verbal abuse and aggression that has been shown towards me and the fact that the rest of my family apart from my sister don t seem to see it has made me unsure of my own judgement.

I do not want to give my daughter the gift my parents have sent but this is a pattern. Whenever she cuts off contact with me my Mum waits for an important day - birthday, christmas, mothers day etc and sends a card or present. I am therefore obligated to call to thank her and things just carry on as usual from there until the next time. It drives my DH insane and he says we should just return all gifts and cards. Does anyone have an opinion?

Anyway thanks for responses. Have ordered Toxic Parents from Amazon. Have seen this book mentioned many times. Will stop now as do not want to write a sequel .

Just looked at that last post and is still very long so apologies.

Amethyst8, you say that the only way you can have any kind of relationship with your mother is to "never disagree with her under any circustances" that is not a relationship. It is a dictator controlling people. In a relationship you are allowed to disagree, to have your own opinion. A loving mother would respect that, knowing that she raised you to have an opinion & not follow the pack.

It worries me that you say she is violent, but you feel you have no right to stop your children seeing her. You have every right, as their mother to protect them from bullies, abuse & violence. Just because it is your mum they need protecting from, doesn't make any difference, in my eyes.

My dd doesn't see my mother (or didn't before we emigrated) because my mother has a wonderful way of making me feel inferior & unloved. I didn't want that for my daughter. No one has any right to make my daughter feel like that & I am not putting her in a situation that could lead to it.

The present, you say you feel sick just looking at it. I would send it back. If it makes you feel that bad. Do not call & thank her for it, she will have control again & the ability to make you feel all those feelings again.

I think you really need to think about what YOU want. Not your children, for now. Do you want to have a relationship with your mum that ends up making you feel shit everytime? Do you want it to continue affecting your marriage? Who can you live without, your mother or your dh? Because you will continue to argue about this & it could damage your relastionship. Do you want to keep feeling like a 5 yr old for the rest of your life?

After you have answered these questions you will know what to do. Cutting ties isn't easy, if that is what you decided to do. I did it 14 years ago & I still fell apart when she ignored me just before I left the UK. It does get better. Easier. I didn't allow anyone to treat me how I didn't want to be treated, why should I let my mum?

Sandcastles, thanks for your response. I think it is not that I dont feel that I have the right to stop their relationship because I know that I do, it is just that until recently I never knew if I was over reacting or being a drama queen or did nt have a sense of humour etc and it is more that I didnt want my personal issues to be the thing that stopped it.

My parents did seem to make a real effort with the kids - more than they ever did with me - so I suppose I thought that they had changed.

I think that this is what frustrates DH because up till recently I kept saying that they seemed to have changed and that they really loved the kids and it was just me that they have a problem with and if that is the case I shouldnt stop contact just because we cant get on. My Mum told me that her Grandson was the best thing that ever happened to her. DH says though that if this was the case and they loved them as much as they say then they would not cut me off and not see the kids for firstly 2 months, then another period of ten months and then this most recent one of 6 months no matter how "unkind and selfish" I was being to them - translate "unkind and selfish" as sticking up for my sister and not allowing my Mum to insult me. This is the third time it has happened in four years. My kids havent really been exposed to it because without really knowing it I have been limiting contact anyway. I know though that kids pick up on a lot more than we would ever realise.

I know from reading your posts that you have emigrated and were ignored before you did and I know that this must have been much worse since you were going on to a new life, scary enough in itself but without family support even worse. Have you managed to get closure yet? I feel quite light hearted today having made a decision but does it last?

Thanks again for your response.

Ax

Amethyst, that so sounds like the way I feel/felt about my parents. Everything was fine for 32 years until I started suddenly realising that it is only okay because I do/say everything that they want me to do/say. No matter how bad it made me feel. I was valuing their opinion more than my husband's (thanks to them I have no opinions of my own, although after 1 1/2 years of not having them in my life I am starting to build up my confidence).

I would give your daughter the present, but I would not send any thank you notes, emails or telephone calls.

My parents keep writing happy birthday emails to me and my children and put money into their bank accounts (only on their birthdays). I never reply, and it has gotten to the stage that I see the email, my heart does not start pounding, I don't feel sick. I just read it and delete it.

They will know how to get back in contact with us. They have our email addresses (they don't have our address or telephone number...from me anyway).

Anyway just to let you know that I would recommend that you give your daughter the present, don't write or phone to say thank you, but write or meet up with her/them to say that you want things to change and if they don't then you will need some time without any contact from them to think things over.

It is going to get easier, although there will be days when you start doubting yourself as to whether you have made the right decision to cut them out of your and your children's lives.

My children were 2 & 3 when we cut contact wiht them, they did occasionally ask about them, but they don't "miss" them, and now they don't ask about them (they never asked to go see them, they just asked about them if you see what I mean). As long as your children have you and your husband they will be happy. Plus in your case your children will also have your husband's parents to spoil them.

I started realising that my parents were starting to treat my children the same way they treated me, and it was horrible, giving me that sense of scared little child again. I just knew that I had to put a stop to it. They are not going to be allowed to do what they did to me to them (my children). They will never be allowed to be alone with them again.

Amethyst

I think you were hoping that them becoming grandparents would make them less toxic (a case of hope over experience). As you have seen though this has not happened and the emotional abuse/cutting off by your parents continues.

I think if you are told often enough that you're a "drama queen" which you are patently not, you end up believing what they say. After all they are your parents and as a child you think they know best, love you unconditionally and have your interests at heart. Your parents have clearly failed in all areas of parenting and have abused instead using you as a scapegoat for their failings. It is not your fault they are like this, they need to address their own issues and they will not do this.

Your toxic parents will never change as they cannot or will not accept they have done anything wrong. If toxic parents were reasonable and capable of proper reasoning then they would listen, but such people are not and never will be.

I would return all gifts unopened. Less power/control therefore for them to use against you.

Glad you've placed an order for Toxic Parents - there are excerpts available on line to read if you do a google search.

Am also glad you found the thread. Keep us posted.

Amethyst, I wish I could say that your mood will last, but the truth is you will feel all sorts of emotions to start with. I think it is like losing a loved one, you grieve. You will feel relief, confusion, guilt (which has to be the worse, as you have nothing to be guilty of) But you do come out the other side, eventually. I'd hate to lie to you. I think, however hard it is to hear, you need to be prepared. We are always here to listen & help you thru. You will always find someone on here, as we cover all time zones.

Be sure you are doing the right thing & stick to your guns. It won't be easy, I sobbed for weeks after I cut her off. Kind of a 'why me' thing. Why did I get such a crap deal in the mother department, when I only ever wanted her to love me. I can say that I don't miss her. I miss having a mum, just not the one I have.

I reached closure along time ago. Years ago. I knew it was her with the problems, not me & I was a better person without her.

But I was hoping & I guess I still wish that she had said something as simple as 'good luck' because it would have meant she did care, that she did give a damn. Instead she asks my sister for info, which proves nothing to me. Also I have a fantastic MIL & FIL who treat me like a daughter & I have no need for a mother in my life. My MIL has done more for me this last year than my own mother ever has.

Your dh is right, if they cared so much, they wouldn't spite the children by cutting you off for weeks, months on end.

What you need is to know that whatever you do, you are doing it for the good of your family. Your mum won't change, no matter how much you all try to keep the peace. There will always be something that will set her off.

I this is making sense, I feel like I am waffling a bit.

Amethyst, I just read your first post. Im so busy this evening with DH working late, so I canT reply properly, but I really think this thread may be useful to you. Out of all the mothers Ive read about so far, yours sounds the most similar to mine, I think. So we can share experiences. If you have time, try to read through this whole thread and Im sure you`ll find some answers.

Sorry, just a quick thing about what I did with my mums presents to my daughter. It went straight in the bin. I wondered whether or not to keep them until DD was older or something but I donT want them hanging around in my home like a dark presence. So I put them in the bin and immediately felt much better. Is 12.99 or however much a present costs, really worth your upset. A mother only needs to show love and kindness and thats for free. Anything else is useless and worthless, so you don`t need to call her to thank her.

Just checking in quickly, and will have a proper read later but just wanted to welcome Amethyst and to say how much I feel for you and can relate to your situation. I can honestly say that counselling really helped me and I am no longer affected by family in the way I used to be.

The children issue is a difficult one and that has been the area that has always been hardest for me - my mother too hasn't seen my youngest since he was a baby and he is now two. I don't wish to stop my mother from seeing mine and so am meeting up with her soon but I really don't think there are any right or wrong answers. You just have to make the decision that you can best live and feel happy and comfortable with. I personally dont feel I lost out from not knowing my grandparents and neither does DH about not knowing his.

Forestfern, sorry to be blunt but am writing in a hurry. I have no idea what you are talking about! It does sound like you've lifted some psycho babble out of a book without it having any direct application to my situation. If you read through the thread (I know it's long) you will see that I acknowledge that I love my mother (but just choose not to allow myself to be treated as the family's emotional dustbin any longer), that the situation no longer causes me extreme distress and hasn't for some time, and that growing up and creating boundaries is precisely what I have done. I have let the entire family know the terms on which I am prepared to have an intimate relationship with them, but none of them know how to be intimate so they have left me alone, all bar my mother, who is making some efforts to talk to me and even say sorry (in her own way - without actually saying it!)which I am responding to with dignity and warmth.

Sorry Amethyst, I see you had counselling but was it perhaps not for long enough? It took me 8 months before I felt able to deal with things alone and handle anything my family might throw my way, even though I didn't feel bad the whole of that time, IYSWIM.

Had a proper read of your posts now Amethyst. And please stop aplogosing for the length of them. Your mother does sound very similar to Sakura's and Greensleeves' and far more directly abusive than mine but I think the kind of daughter all of these mothers have created is astoundingly similar, and apologising for our existence (or the length of our posts!) is the first thing we have to stop!

The feeling of being a drama queen is one I shared - my family too always dismissed my emotions as unimportant, my stepdad actually said those very words "she can't take a joke" all the time, just after he had said something abusive or humiliated me. There is a whole chapter in Toxic Parents about this type of abuse, and how it undercuts your ability to trust your own judgement and perception to perceive reality so that you become unable to ever trust your own judgements or know your own truths about anything. This has been one of my biggest problem areas all my life, and while all women need validation to some extent (hence the attraction of mumsnet) I needed it to an extreme degree.

My opinion and feelings growing up always had the least value and importance, even before my stepdad came along, and both my mother and brothers discounted my feelings and mocked me for crying, etc from a very young age. The family dynamic never changed and what happened last summer was more of the same, and like many of you it took me having my own children to make a stand and refuse to be treated this way any longer.

When I stood up for myself and sent an email putting my side across, and providing evidence for the fact that I had not behaved in the underhand way that was being suggested about me, my brother's reponse was to tell me I was acting like a four year old. My mother's response was to ignore me and then try and brush over it later (while, I have absoluetly no doubt, continuing to badmouth me to the others)and my sisters response was to side with the others and try and get me to apologise.

Not one of them, apart from my lovely older brother, actually validated anything I had said or even dignified it with a reponse.

This kind of abuse (and it is exactly that - abuse) may not be tangible and obvious, but it is deeply damaging and Ally, Maisemor and many others of us on this thread put up with this.

I think that when you read Toxic Parents, Amethyst, you will be astounded by the revelations and I think you will see your mother in every chapter, but also will see that she has got the whole family colluding with her.

Thanks for posting Amethyst. It is good to be reminded of all this, because my mother is now actually trying to be nice to me and I am now talking to her and not my siblings, even though they learned everything they know from her. I need to remember who caused all this in the first place, as this is possibly even the next step in her game of divide and rule, so that she is back in favour and none of the rest of us are talking.

I would be interested to know more about the other 95% and why your sister turned against you even though you were sticking up for her (no doubt she is still playing the family game which dictates that your mother can't be criticised, like mine)

Forestfern, sorry if i was a bit harsh, I can of course see that you were trying to help, and thanks for that.

Also, in answer to your question of how to put a stop to it in practice, I think you will also find the answer in Toxic Parents. In short it recommends a confrontation of your parent and telling them what you want from them, and then a separation until you get the required response, which you also have to accept when giving this ultimatum is unlikely to ever happen, because toxic parents will rarely if ever see things from your point of view, they rarely apologise, but it is having the courage to stand up to them not the final outcome that counts. I would really reccomend reading the book first.

I am feeling quite shaky as I write this post because I have never had contact with anyone who seems to understand why I feel the way I do or has been through the same sort of things with their mother that I have. I feel as though someone has pulled my insides out but in a really good way if you can understand that. I have never ever trusted my own judgment of other people and as a result have been on the receiving end of quite a lot of bullying in my life starting at school and in various work places. I am realising that this is because have spent so long being told that nothing I feel is valid and more importantly when my parents are being horrendous to me that it is all in my head that I dont think I have ever trusted myself or how I am feeling, enough to remove myself from abusive situations believing it to be all of my own making. I remember when I was about 7 a friend of mine telling me that she had done something really naughty at home to which I replied "did your Mum hit you?". She looked at me like I was mad and said "No, I wasn t allowed to watch TV all day". I couldnt comprehend a home where you were not beaten up for being "naughty". I thought all Mums were like that, after that I thought that it must just be my Mum and I suppose I have felt like that ever since.

I don t want to dwell too much on the other 95% Pages, but only because if I did then I would be writing all day and it would go on for pages but to try to be brief, as a child I would be kicked, punched, strangled and threatened with knives. I remember my sister being thrown down the stairs and I remember being forced to eat lunch off the floor because I some spaghetti had slipped off a plate I was carrying on to the floor. I wasnt allowed to use my hands to pick the food up. When you were hit you had to stand there and let her do it because if you didnt then she would get even angrier and it would be even worse. She regularly spat in my face even as a small child and told me that she wished I was dead and she should have had an abortion. There are a lot of other things too that I cant write because it is just too much. I havent thought about this for years and I am reading back over it and hating myself for ever allowing her near my children (I never left them alone with her). I was constantly called terrible names and the thing I remember the most is just being terrified all the time because you just never knew when it was going to happen. When I was 19 she punched me in the face while my fiancee (first husband) of the time was in the next room and then she spat in my face. I was getting married in two weeks time and it was the only time I ever fought back. I shoved her away from me so hard that she fell across the kitchen she came at me again and I did it again and kept doing it till she stopped. She has never hit me since then but the other maniuplative stuff has been going on all my life. My Dad has regularly shouted at me and my sister and called us names and then my Mum tells us "thats just how Fathers and Daughters are" when we are angry about it afterwards. If I had a pound for everyone time she has said "thats just how families are, there are lots that are worse than us" I would be very wealthy.

I was once talking about all this with my younger sister and I realised she was crying and it was because of the stuff I was saying to her that my Mum had said and done to me that she didnt even realise had gone on even though she lived there too. She then told me all the things that my parents say about me to her and the rest of my family ie that I am a trouble maker, a drama queen, get my ideas from soap operas, that they hoped I would never had kids because god help them if I did, that I was a failure in life, unstable. When I did have my kids everyone was told what a bad mother I was, no rules, too permissive, didnt feed them right, didnt put them to bed at the right time etc etc etc. I truly am the black sheep of my family. The thing that has given me some confidence and made me realise that I am not such a worthless person was marrying my second husband and having my kids. We have our ups and down but basically he is pretty cool person, he is good looking and really funny and a great father, he has a big extended family and loads of friends and he gets on with everyone. The point is that he loves me and they all seem to like me too so I cant be that bad. My kids are amazing too and they love me as well. When my four year old argues with me or refuses to do something he doesnt want to do it actually makes me really happy because I know he is not scared of me like I was scared of my Mum so I think I am doing a good job.

I know all this sounds horrendous and I suppose you will be asking why I let them near my kids and why I was even seeking advice on cutting my parents off but they honestly did seem to have changed and I really did think it was just me that they didnt like and had these problems with. They were kind to my children, made the effort to come and see them etc and I really hoped that this was how it would be. I really did think that they loved them.

I am beginning to realise that my sister probably is still very caught up in it as well and thats why we have had problems. For years I believed everything my parents said about me so why wouldnt she.

Pages, in your post something rang very true to me when you said that you were talking to your Mum now and not your siblings, even though it was your Mum who started things in the first place. DH used to be so irritated because he would hear me talking to my sister and getting on great with her and then after a phone call from my Mum with her nasty little comments and ideas and thoughts about my sister suddenly I would have nothing good to say about her. I am sure it is the same for my sister with me. We have had our ups and downs but when I look back I can honestly say that at least 80% of it was parent caused. It does make me sad that so much water has gone under the bridge that we will probably never be truly close.

I know that cutting off all contact with parents is a big thing and not for everyone but having read all these posts and a few excerpts from Toxic Parents I really don t think there is a better way for me. I have tried withdrawing and the occasional phone call but I always get dragged back in. It all occupies far too much of mine and DH's time as well. I think about not having any contact with my parents, not wondering who is saying what in my extended family and the thing that stands out is the thought that no one will be saying anything about me because no one will know anything and even if they do talk about me then I won t have to hear about it anymore. Can it really be that easy? I feel positively light hearted at the thought of that.

Amethyst

I read your post like that. No wonder your shaking with telling it all.

To answer your last comment, its very nice to leave your family with the 'black sheep/scapegoat' hot potato. There was sadness, anger at past/present, bleakness...but I finally did not have to have that massive 'we're a happy family' lie over my head anymore and the need to spend tortuous time with them. Relief is the word.

And this bit of your experience:

"thats just how Fathers and Daughters are" when we are angry about it afterwards. If I had a pound for everyone time she has said "thats just how families are, there are lots that are worse than us" I would be very wealthy."

Me too! My mother would always mention Mrs Bloggs down the street who was worse than her...and our relationship was fraught because 'that's what mothers and daughters do'. I think that one was due to her personal experience with her mother. Obviously she didn't seek to have a good relationship with my sister and I.

Still really moved by your shaking at posting your experiences...cathartic is probably the word your looking for

And I also always felt it was just me, I was just really unlikable as a person and I would never marry as I was just a horrid person.

On the bright side (yes there is one!) you are the emotionally strongest person in your family. Which means you can break away from them, whereas they will forever be stuck with each other passing that hot potato. (I like my analogies )

Amethyst, just checked in and have company tonight so can't stay long, but just wanted to say my stomach was turned upside down and I was in tears within a few lines of reading your last post (and read it out to my friend, I was so ) and I really want to give you a big hug and tell you that you are a truly amazing person for having got through what you have been through and come out the other side.

You sound like a fab mum, and I just want to tell you to carry on feeling lighthearted because it REALLY DOES get better and it REALLY IS that easy!!!! I think you have every good reason for cutting off from your family and you will be stronger and happier for it. And you will be teaching your children an important lesson about standing up for theirselves and not putting up with abuse.

So sorry for what you have been through and so proud of you, even though I don't know you!

Amethyst, "The point is that he loves me and they all seem to like me too so I cant be that bad"

That really resounded with me, as I spent alot of my childhood feeling unwanted & unloved. I used to test dh in the early days, when we were just boyfriend/girlfriend, saying horrible things, being horrible (shame on me, I actually cheated on him to test him, which I bitterly regret). In my mind, if my own mother couldn't love me (you may have read that she didn't want me/tried to abort me) then how could anyone else? It wasn't until I cut her off that I realised that I was a nice & good person & I did deserve to be loved/liked.

I was truely shocked at your last post. My mother only ever hit out at me once, but it killed every last feeling I had for her. I am so sad for you that you lived with such horrendous abuse & was lead to believe that it was normal.

You are nothing like her, you know that right? The fact that you know your childhood was wrong, means that you will not make the same mistakes with your children. You will break the cycle & your children will never need to feel the way you did. Dd has changed a lot of my outlook on life. She has made me stand up for who I am & realise that I don't need people like my mother in my life.

I recently wrote my story for another website. I ended it like this

"Which is why everyday I tell dd I love her. I treasure her. I know that sometimes I also shout at her, which makes her cry, when I am tired etc. Just like many mums I expect. When I tell her I am sorry, she says, ?it?s ok mummy, I still love you? She will put her arm around me & hold me, like I am the child. Like I always wanted to be held when I was the child.

It?s at times like this that I feel dd was sent to look after me. Not me look after her. I feel she was sent to me to show me that I do deserve to be loved. That I can be loved. She is teaching me how to be a parent, after my mother taught me how not to be a parent"

Amethyst, You are so brave and you are going to be so strong when you have finished this process. You have already started it because you have already realised that something has to be done and you cant carry on like this. This is a first, huge step. THe next step is finally accepting that she will NEVER EVER change...ever. Then comes the confrontation, or demanding that youre treated like a human being and that your mother accepts that the way you were treated was wrong. Then if that doesnt happen, you move on and break contact to save your sanity, then without her influence in your life you will be happier. your mother is my mother. Even now, after cutting her out of my life I still trivialise the things that she has done, especially about feeling constantly scared of her. You have been through a terrible time but you dont have to carry it with you all your life because its not your shame and guilt that you are carrying. Its your parents because <span class="italic">they</span> were the abusers, and they should feel guilty, scared and shameful for what theyve done.
I always used to dream about escaping and running away when I was a child, and then I became an adult, and went far away, and found that my mother followed me in my head and kept telling me I was useless and everything else. It was only after not allowing her to control my life anymore, that I finally managed to be free.
Anyway, weve all been through it here, so you arent the only person who is having to face this, and all of us have agreed that our lives have improved since sorting out this problem. For example, I drink less now, or rarely at all, but before this I was a heavy binge-drinker because I wanted to escape my own thoughts and enter oblivion. I dont need to do that anymore because Im starting to like who I am. I keep my flat clean and tidy thesedays and I cook delicious meals for my family because I dont have to believe my mums voice that I am a lazy sloven. I had internalised her words and believed her before so I used to not bother with my bedroom, student accomodation or anything. I didnt have the self-respect to keep my surroundings clean, but now I do because Im starting to understand that Im a nice person who deserves to live in nice, clean surroundings and that my mother was <span class="italic">wrong</span> about me. Just like Ally when she realised her mother was wrong about her being thick. And there are so many countless other ways that my life has improved and is still improving. Ive found that I have an artistic side that I hadnt recognised before and I dress and cook creatively. I have a LOT Of energy for my daughter because I donT have to crawl into bed in a depression for half a day after a phone conversation with my mother. Im starting to believe I have control over my life instead of being at her mercy, so Im starting to slowly pay off debts that I thought would be with me until I died.
I canT stress enough the tiny little ways that my life has improved since I stopped putting up with her. But I also have to say how incredibly difficult the process has been, but if youre feeling scared or down you can always come on this thread and ask for help and someone will know what to do and can explain how they coped with the same thing. Whatever you do, you`Re going to be fine and I also think its wonderful that your daughter knows her own mind the way she does. That is my dream for my daughter.

Thanks for all your replies. Sakura what you wrote about binge drinking and not taking care of yourself really rang true with me. I was exactly the same before I had my children. Although my relationship with my mother is still awful and does upset me I think that when I had my children it was a huge turning point for me. She had always told me that I would be a bad mother and that she hoped I wouldnt have girls because she would have been a better mother to sons and I would be too. I have a boy and a girl and I was very apprehensive and not that happy when I had my scan and they told me I was having a girl. Now I can t believe that I ever felt like that because she is the most beautiful and amazing thing that I have ever seen. I could never hurt her physically or mentally the way my Mum did me.

It is not just the obvious things that these mothers take from us. I reached 32 without having or wanting kids. Just living a pretty meaningless life, rented accommodation, disastrous relationships, drinking, fights, no career, no further education and basically just being a complete nightmare. Utterly determined never to have kids because my Mum had made me feel that having them was the worst thing you could do and I would never be a decent mother anyway. Now I have them and I am a different person. It is them that has finally made me realise how badly my parents treated me and how angry it makes me because in a million years I could not treat my kids like that. I now believe that if my parents could treat me like that then they DID NOT love me because I love my kids and I would die before I hurt or allowed them to be hurt by anyone else.

Donated daughters birthday present to NSPCC charity shop. Just wanted it out of the house. I know I should have sent it back but although I have made up my mind about having no more contact. I don t yet feel up to dreading the phone ringing and the post arriving for the next two weeks. As silly as this sounds I actually feel better already. As though because i have made a decision I don t have to think about any of them any more. Not in the least bit depressed at the moment, DH and I getting on really well and feel like I have loads more energy. Don t even feel like talking about them with my sister or DH any more and that is something I have always needed to do. I know it isnt that easy but I really feel like I can start moving on now. It is true that just making a decision sorts out loads of problems.

Sakura I am sure that your dream for your daughter is not a dream, I am sure that it is happening already because all the changes you have made in your life are giving her a completely different childhood from the one you had and that will make her confident, secure and happy and most importantly not scared. .

Ax

Amethyst, you have echoed my thoughts and feelings about how having children of your own has made you realise your mother never loved you. That is exactly how I feel. I think now that she probably loved me to the best of her ability but I know for a fact that she doesn't and never has had anything like the feelings for me that I have for my children, and that is one of the reasons why this whole thing kicked off. I just couldn't believe that she could let me carry the blame (yet again) for something she had done. It was the most unmaternal and self-centred thing, and until she apologises (probably never) I will know that she doesn't care about me the way that a mother should.

Amethyst, you are a very brave person. My heart just broke in two when I read how much abuse you received at the hands of your family.(((hugs)))

Bumping this up for kittenbaby.

If anyone can tell me how to do links that would have been better!!

I have posted the link on the other thread for her Pages.

You just copy the address line and paste it in the "Message box" and put this around it. Hope that makes sense.

There is propably are better description of how to do it to the left of the "Message box".

hi everyone
working my way through this huge thread
im shockd theres so many of us going through this
if you want to see my thread im totally fed up with my mum dont know how to handl her you will know some of my story,well from pregnancy to my dd being 12 weeks old xx

will post again when ive read it all just wantd to say

its nice to chat to pople that have had the same/simalar experiences
as it can be even more difficult when u have probs with someone thats ment to be as close to u as your mum esp if u talk a bout to friends etc and there all like well that must be horrible for you but my mums always been fab etc
you feel like its just you

wish everyone o it love and happiness

how are you all doing now ?