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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My behaviour has been unforgiveable

63 replies

spudlike1 · 04/07/2015 09:49

I'm posting on hear after reading the thread about limerence. 6 years ago my husband had a nervous breakdown, walked away from his job overnight, zero income overnight .We had two v.small children at the time ..I had to be the main breadwinner (I still.am) in a job I find stressful and demanding . I felt angry with him , guilty about my children , disappointed Blah blah blah .but I just got on with it .
Up pops first love on to Facebook and Spotify ( I know predictable) he was going through a divorce at the time, I'm kind and sympathetic by nature. I kept telling him i was married he was relentless and I was sucked in ( i'm easily flattered very critical mother low self esteem blah blah I was in a violent sexually abusive relationship before I met my husband )

The contact was addictive I felt euphoric exhilarated funny and sxy it was extreme escapism from the daily drudge, within a year I was hooked ..couldn't get through the day without a message from him..culminating in me calling him up to tell him I had a crush on him , arranging counselling and getting signed off from work with 'anemia' . 3 years on I think I'm over him ( thank god ) ..I like my husband again ( thankgod) the counselling helped me a lot with the work stress ..but not the emotional affair strangely enough. I am deeply ashamed and guilty and have cold sweats when I think about what I could have lost. Slaughter me in your responses all you want to but I would appreciate some advice on this I am now the subject of a lot of gossip at work ( I did a stupid thing I. Know) I'm aloof at work don't have friends , the colleagues I manage in my department have always respected me until now. I manage a very successful team. I've overheard them.saying I'm going to be given.a hard time when we have a works night out .Do I tell them ? Keep an aloof pretence so no one can get close . I'm deeply ashamed about my behaviour.

OP posts:
cecinestpasunepipe · 04/07/2015 09:55

I think you are being far too hard on yourself, and your work colleagues need to get a life. You need to forgive yourself and move on, and not let past mistakes spoil the future.

Original poster
spudlike1 · 04/07/2015 10:50

Thank you so much for that ...do I ignore the mutterings of colleagues or come clean ...ive got one colleague who.loves it when I trip up and another whose deeply moralistic ....I've been involving hubby more and therefore talking about him more and I can see the eyebrows raising ...I want to.be prepared for the drunken accusations / teasing questions that might fly when we are out .What if they feel a moral.obligation to tell him . I feel.like this is the last hurdle to get over In this unhappy episode of my life . I've considered telling hubby and I'm pretty confident we could survive this but it would be awful, and would cause him pain and hurt . Just so that i can offload my guilt

OP posts:
battenberg123 · 04/07/2015 10:52

Agree that you're punishing yourself for no apparent reason, you didn't do anything wrong. How do your work colleagues know what happened? It's none of their business anyway so screw them!

VanitasVanitatum · 04/07/2015 10:55

I would deny deny deny. Telling him the truth will make you feel better and him worse.

Raasay · 04/07/2015 10:56

Whether you confess to your DH is a separate question and one for you to consider carefully.

However your work colleagues are in no way entitled to know anything about your private life.

Don't discuss it with them. Ever.

Either don't go in the night out or go and not drink.

If they behave badly, and you aren't string enough to deflect them come down with a 'headache' and leave.

If I read your OP you are their boss? In which case it erodes your authority for them to know anything about your love life. It. is. not. their. business

ashtrayheart · 04/07/2015 10:59

I'm not getting the link with this and the work colleagues or do you mean generally. Try and be kind to yourself, it happened and now it's over. I've done some things that make me shudder when I think about them! But ruining your current life by dwelling on stuff that happened in the past is not going to help.

Iggi999 · 04/07/2015 11:01

Not getting the work connection at all? And if anyone threatens to "give you a hard time" I'd be tempted to raise that with their bosses. It just don't go, it's not worth it, and you seem so down on yourself that you will not be able to get through the evening with a head-held-high, fuck'em approach.

Bucketandshpade · 04/07/2015 11:04

Go back to counselling. You're considering using your work subordinates as a way of crucifying yourself over something you nearly did. That is very very wrong.

SilverBirchWithout · 04/07/2015 11:06

You do need to be kinder to yourself, imagine the compassion you would feel if a friend shared this story, what would you say to them.

Your behaviour was no different in many ways to you DH's, if you like, you also had a breakdown. Making poor judgements, risky behaviour, inappropriate relationships are all indicators of someone going through anxiety depression. At some stage you may need to talk to your DH about it in order to deal with your guilt.

Is everyone at work really talking about you? How do they know? This anxious thinking/guilt may still be part of your own illness. Take some positive steps to deal with your job, can you find something else, or retrain for a different job maybe?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/07/2015 11:18

The only person that matters in this other than you is your husband. If he doesn't know, don't tell him. You've already taking steps to get yourself past this and it's a thing that just can be unsaid. It will destroy the trust you have as a couple and act like a virus on the rest of your relationship and your togetherness may or may not survive that.

As far as your work colleagues are concerned, tell them absolutely nothing. Ask them - at the first sign of curiosity - "What business is that of yours?" and walk away with your head high. They don't know, they can surmise. Too much surmising could land them in hot water with HR, remind them of that.

Best wishes to you, keep mum.

Original poster
spudlike1 · 04/07/2015 11:24

Oh fuck this is the bit where you all crucify me ...I didn't even tell the counsellor this bit...I met up with fb man ( I had to meet him) he did a 200 mile round trip to find out what the score was with me ..he was lovely we had feelings for each other if I was single we would be embarking on a relationship (although I wouldn't trust him what sort of man seduces a married woman ..)
I missed my husband the entire time it confirmed to me that my husband is wonderful I wanted to be back home with him . Basically whilst with fb man I bumped into a two colleagues ..One asked me there and then who I was with ...she is very gossipy and will have told the world while standing at the photocopier ....

OP posts:
Original poster
spudlike1 · 04/07/2015 11:26

Thankyou everyone for the supportive posts ...just getting this story out there is helping ..

OP posts:
Raasay · 04/07/2015 11:29

Spud it doesn't matter if they caught you in a passionate clinch in the middle of Trafalgar Sq it is not their business

You don't have to discuss it with them.

So don't. Out of respect to your husband if nothing else.

Nothing you say with make the gossip less. Quite the opposite.

Refuse to discuss it. It will die down eventually.

Raasay · 04/07/2015 11:31

However if you've been unfaithful and other people know you need to think carefully about your DH and how it would feel to have someone else tell him.

Original poster
spudlike1 · 04/07/2015 11:33

Telling everyone to mind their own business is a great help thankyou ...yes I have depression sometimes and lack confidence in my own opinions. And yes I've always assumed I'm not liked at work ..There have been jealous colleagues in the past, the counselling helped with that ..but not with the emotional affair the counseller said we were in love (ffs )and that I should leave hubby (ffs) ....I do not want leave hubby ive read enough posts on here to know about the devastation that causes....thankyou all for being patient with me

OP posts:
Raasay · 04/07/2015 11:36

Sweetheart, you don't actually need to be liked at work. You just need to be professional and do your job.

People will have a lot more respect for you if you do than if you are the centre of some gossipy drama because you spilled your sorry story out at a night out.

Bucketandshpade · 04/07/2015 11:39

OP if you want to (in rhe words of the great philosophers Salt N Peppa) "sell it on the weekend" it's none of their business.

Even if you had a full blown akimbo scorching affair, it's none of their business. FFS!

You don't need their approval or disapproval. Please go back to counselling.

MudCity · 04/07/2015 11:40

Hold your head high. It really is none of your work colleagues' business. It sounds like you could do with finding a new job with new colleagues...would that be possible?

Bucketandshpade · 04/07/2015 11:42

And don't bother going on the night out. It sounds like it's going to be crap.

MudCity · 04/07/2015 11:42

Oh, and tell them nothing. Even if they tease, or try to get information out of you, just laugh and change the subject.

MudCity · 04/07/2015 11:44

Agree with Bucketandshpade....night out with those colleagues sounds like something I would avoid too.

Bucketandshpade · 04/07/2015 11:50

Yep:

Subordinate: "who was that bloke you were with?"

Spud: "My cousin/neighbour/brother/pimp. Time for another round? Mines a gin. Take it out of petty cash."

(Ends)

Original poster
spudlike1 · 04/07/2015 12:10

God you lot are amazing ...you are even making me laugh...I shall go forth with your voices of support in my head ....I can be quite fierce at work, I do it to cover up the vulnerable hopeless side . Perhaps more counselling but time and money is an issue . Thankyou so much

OP posts:
Original poster
spudlike1 · 04/07/2015 12:11

I know I've still got away to go with this and will consider everything everyone has said .

OP posts:
Zillie77 · 04/07/2015 12:15

Wow. It sounds like you work with a bunch of judgemental nosey Nellies. Let them think what they will. Hold your head high!