My behaviour has been unforgiveable

[spudlike1]

I'm posting on hear after reading the thread about limerence. 6 years ago my husband had a nervous breakdown, walked away from his job overnight, zero income overnight .We had two v.small children at the time ..I had to be the main breadwinner (I still.am) in a job I find stressful and demanding . I felt angry with him , guilty about my children , disappointed Blah blah blah .but I just got on with it .
Up pops first love on to Facebook and Spotify ( I know predictable) he was going through a divorce at the time, I'm kind and sympathetic by nature. I kept telling him i was married he was relentless and I was sucked in ( i'm easily flattered very critical mother low self esteem blah blah I was in a violent sexually abusive relationship before I met my husband )

The contact was addictive I felt euphoric exhilarated funny and sxy it was extreme escapism from the daily drudge, within a year I was hooked ..couldn't get through the day without a message from him..culminating in me calling him up to tell him I had a crush on him , arranging counselling and getting signed off from work with 'anemia' . 3 years on I think I'm over him ( thank god ) ..I like my husband again ( thankgod) the counselling helped me a lot with the work stress ..but not the emotional affair strangely enough. I am deeply ashamed and guilty and have cold sweats when I think about what I could have lost. Slaughter me in your responses all you want to but I would appreciate some advice on this I am now the subject of a lot of gossip at work ( I did a stupid thing I. Know) I'm aloof at work don't have friends , the colleagues I manage in my department have always respected me until now. I manage a very successful team. I've overheard them.saying I'm going to be given.a hard time when we have a works night out .Do I tell them ? Keep an aloof pretence so no one can get close . I'm deeply ashamed about my behaviour.

When I am having a tough day I slap on some glitter eye shadow. I call those my "glitter days." Try that, maybe?

Ok now that makes a bit more sense. I find saying something brazenly shuts people up, I would say 'oh that was my secret lover!' Then change the subject.

Hubby is a decent man he's met my mother!! and knows about about ex boyfriend ( violent rapist) the counselling helped me say that ....but if he knew about this online affair he would be furious ...

I've got a bright red jumper that I wear on bad days !!! Bit hot though ..will buy some glitter eyeshadow ....thankyou

From what you have said about being a bit aloof and fierce at work, maybe your colleagues are just trying to find out what makes you tick. People are always mighty interested in those who don't give away much or set themselves apart from the crowd. Nosey buggers but that's people for you. Just laugh along and don't be rattled by it. Secret lover suggestion by ashtrayheart is a good one! Good luck!

the counseller said we were in love (ffs )and that I should leave hubby (ffs)

I think you need a different therapist who can help you work through the guilt you're feeling, and decide whether you need to tell your H, or not.

I also think you need a new set of work colleagues... I'd be looking to move companies. Can't stand bitchy workplaces!

Yes your right mud city and pockets there's been some gossip about my past as well some from from my last work place I had to involve the police with previous relationship told a colleague at the time to help it to end ..I don't know how it's got passed on to my new work place but it has ...I never ask them what they know exactly but there is one who can't keep her mouth shut told me ....just bugs me how they make judgements enjoy the gossip .. plus I'm probably over thinking all this .......and need to stop caring

I'm not that important am in other people's lives .....its just the guilt..making me anxious ...
Thankyou for your time everyone

It happened but it's not happening now. Put it behind you. Certainly and absolutely do not confess. And just avoid works nights out for a while. They'll soon find somebody else to gossip about.

What did you tell the colleague when she asked who fb man was ?

Yes ! stop being a victim ..move on move on move on ....
How do I copy all this advice somewhere safe before it disappears into the ether ...I need to keep it all

I ignored the question ..told her I was going to a birthday party

I work in the medical profession quite a small world ...

Actually that's not true ..sorry ....just made it up thinking one of you knows me !!!!!...christ my guilt and shame is crippling ...sorry ...I'm taking a break from this post
Need some space ..never confessed soo much in such a short space of time to anyone

Just to be clear Everything I've said is true...except the profession I am in ..sorry
I'm a bit shakey

Spud sweetie, don't worry, darling, you haven't said anything at all that identifies you. No one here knows who you are. You are safe on here.

Nope not a clue. Please keep on talking to us anonymouses.

You could have been out with your BIL who was having a bad time. For instance. But as so many have said, it's absolutely none of their beeswax. At all.

You've had no judgement here at all, and for that I salute everyone who has helped the op!

Practice your death stare and if your colleagues start asking nosey questions, let them have it

As a pp said, some people are desperate to know other's business, especially if the person is aloof at work (nothing wrong with aloof either, imo )

Feel like a weights lifted after opening up on here ..relationship with hubby is vastly improving daily ..work colleagues are just people that I work with ...end ... Thank you again. ..my private professional approach at work has always served me well so I will continue ...fb man and I will always care about each other ...but he's not the man I've made my life with ..such a relief ..that I'm finally getting this all into perspective. .....Roll on life I'm ready for you ....I think .
Thank you for your time everyone hope I can reciprocate on here sometime i will be name changing again obviously

And if anyone ones to discuss Limerence message me I'd love to chat ....I'd love to tell.my hubby one day perhaps but right now is not the time ..We've been through enough need a quite life

There is a great Limerence thread from yesterday, you may find that helpful too.

I wouldn't go on the works do actually. Why bother.

There is something about your posts where I can hear you judging yourself (well yes we all do it), but also that somehow you imagine that everyone else can see right inside you head and your heart and life, and therefore make the same judgements about you as you make about yourself.

It is as if every situation (confrontational or not) causes you to automatically think negative thoughts. e.g. when you met your colleagues - you have taken that small encounter and sprinkled it liberally with all the guilt and doubt that you might feel because you know the whole story. But your colleagues only saw a tiny moment and they have no idea what the real situation was, and even more so they have absolutely not a clue about the innermost thinking and feelings that you might have had. And most probably your colleagues thoughts were mundane and benign - things like "she didn't tell us she had a handsome cousin like that" or "she's quite quiet at work and yet there she was enjoying herself with a friend and she must have a warm heart underneath it all"

And even your posts here are expecting that we re going to come piling in and vilify you. Well mumsnet can be a harsh place at times, but people standing back can see a woman who was facing an incredibly tough and stressful time, who sought emotional escape, who blurred the lines but recognised boundaries and didn't cross them, who is reflective enough to see how incredibly dangerous and disastrous the situation might have been, to learn from that and reinvest in her marriage.

So now recognise your good points in all of this, as well as your weaknesses. Get a better counsellor, and maybe in the meantime some CBT to help you deal with the negative thoughts. These are only your thoughts. Not necessarily your colleagues thoughts and not necessarily the thoughts of anyone on here.

I could cry ...will digest and get back to you
Thankyou