My behaviour has been unforgiveable

[spudlike1]

I'm posting on hear after reading the thread about limerence. 6 years ago my husband had a nervous breakdown, walked away from his job overnight, zero income overnight .We had two v.small children at the time ..I had to be the main breadwinner (I still.am) in a job I find stressful and demanding . I felt angry with him , guilty about my children , disappointed Blah blah blah .but I just got on with it .
Up pops first love on to Facebook and Spotify ( I know predictable) he was going through a divorce at the time, I'm kind and sympathetic by nature. I kept telling him i was married he was relentless and I was sucked in ( i'm easily flattered very critical mother low self esteem blah blah I was in a violent sexually abusive relationship before I met my husband )

The contact was addictive I felt euphoric exhilarated funny and sxy it was extreme escapism from the daily drudge, within a year I was hooked ..couldn't get through the day without a message from him..culminating in me calling him up to tell him I had a crush on him , arranging counselling and getting signed off from work with 'anemia' . 3 years on I think I'm over him ( thank god ) ..I like my husband again ( thankgod) the counselling helped me a lot with the work stress ..but not the emotional affair strangely enough. I am deeply ashamed and guilty and have cold sweats when I think about what I could have lost. Slaughter me in your responses all you want to but I would appreciate some advice on this I am now the subject of a lot of gossip at work ( I did a stupid thing I. Know) I'm aloof at work don't have friends , the colleagues I manage in my department have always respected me until now. I manage a very successful team. I've overheard them.saying I'm going to be given.a hard time when we have a works night out .Do I tell them ? Keep an aloof pretence so no one can get close . I'm deeply ashamed about my behaviour.

Don't cry, lovely! Hang in there! x x x

It's none of their business and you barely did anything wrong!

I kinda need to.go on this night out as I've avoided the last two .However I will only go if I've got myself in the right frame of mind first

I just wanted to say you really need to forgive yourself. And no don't tell DH.

Get counselling again, forgive yourself and move on.

And ignore gossips at work. There's a proverb about glasshouses, maybe these people would do well to remember it.

Best of luck. x

Right.

Next time someone starts with the 'ooh, you're going to get a hard tome on the night out...' nonsense, turn round, look at them wit a hard stare and say 'actually, I would hope not. This joke has worn a bit thin and I don't want to hear about it again'.

For goodness sake, you created a sort of fantasy safety net in your head in the midst of a shitty episode in your life. Calm down, don't tell your DH and don't swap the FB man fantasy for High Drama Based On Guilt Obsession.

There is absolutely no need to be 'crippled with guilt and shame'.

Start tomorrow as the first day of your new life - your real life.

Thank you Venus ..your spot on I'm incredibly self critical ..and need to take steps to address it

I'm confident that my work colleagues do think I'm having an affair at the height of my obsession I was quite reckless with it ....my non existent relationship with my brother makes me sad and a history of poor friendships choices I'm trying to cultivate new ones ,doesn't help . .. the guilt shame and pain is worsened by not sharing , coming on hear and telling all is very helpful thank you everyone for not calling me an adulterous slag

You are all amazing ...The advice to walk tall and ignore the mutterings is so helpful .thank you

New life starts tomorrow. ..and put a stop to the angst

Most people, especially colleagues, aren't going to tell the spouse about an infidelity. The only caveat is if you make them so angry they become vindictive. They will gossip about you and privately and sometimes openly judge you but will tend to keep their mouths shut.

you just have to have thicker skin and use some of the coping suggestions that have been mentioned.

Time in a work environment where nothing exciting happens allows you to grow a thicker skin and allows colleagues to lose interest in your personal life OP. Just wait and be uninteresting!

Have a wonderful week, Spuddie! Be kind to yourself!

He sent 600 tunes minimum! with witty, loving sometimes saucy tunes to my Spotify account which I have on a shared computer ..he is now blocked and deleted he told a now x girlfriend ( he's had at least 5 in the period we've been in contact ) she sent cutting home truths via his phone I was totally broken could barely function everyone noticed ...This man is dangerous...or does he need sympathy ..limerence perhaps

Yep! he's a dodgy geezer thank you for helping me with this one ..(I remembered his lovely family kinda wanted to be part of that too ). but he is dodgy and has behaved poorly ..I always thought that being married you are automatically safe from all this nonsense .. seems not .
You have all helped me finally put this hellish episode behind me, thank you so much ...