Help! I'm going to see a divorce lawyer at 3.00 pm and he's hidden all the paperwork!

[ALaughAMinute]

He's hidden everything including my bank statements, what shall I do?

I'm in such a state I can't think straight!

[ALaughAMinute]

I'm going to come back and read the posts on this thread tomorrow but for the moment my head is spinning and I can't think straight.

I went to M&S after the appointment with the solicitor and couldn't remember my pin number on my usual card when it came to paying so I had to use another card! OMG! This is just the beginning, I've a long way to go yet!

[Dowser]

Yes try and get a good nights sleep ;-)

[Onehandclapping]

I did a great deal of research in 2012 for a friend on the law regarding an inheritance in a financial settlement and discovered that there is a legal precedent whereby an inheritance is not regarded as marital property. In the case I was dealing with the wife's mother had died but the property she inherited from her mother was not included in the marital property because of this precedent. I can't remember the name of the case which set the precedent but I did find it on the Internet. I would assume it is still the case now, but you might want to ask your solicitor about it. If it is still the case, it might reduce your anxiety a little, to know that, at least in that respect, you are not in a race with the clock.

[Dowser]

Good post one hand. Logic says to me that this should not be considered a marital asset as it is not something that has been built up during the time of the marriage.

The marriage is ending ( in OP's mind it has already intended) it just needs the legal stuff to make it official.

Once the papers land Into court which hopefully should be pretty soon any assets acquired after that date ie lottery win, inheritance , competition win and so forth) should not be considered. It may have a bearing on how the other assets are divvied up but it should not become an asset in itself.

I hope you can find the case. After all your mum would not want someone who has abused her daughter to benefit from her benevolence.

[ALaughAMinute]

Onehand,

Thanks for that - much appreciated. It's always handy to know there is a case study available should the need arise.

Dowser,

Once the papers land Into court which hopefully should be pretty soon any assets acquired after that date ie lottery win, inheritance , competition win and so forth) should not be considered. It may have a bearing on how the other assets are divvied up but it should not become an asset in itself.

Thank you. This is why I need to act fast. My solicitor has suggested I go for an amicable divorce and has asked me to list 5 or 7 specific incidences of unreasonable behaviour. Apparently a few pushes and shoves is not considered 'domestic violence' so I am not entitled to legal aid.

I'm trying to think of 5 or 7 specific incidences of unreasonable behavior but I'm finding it really hard. He's verbally abusive on a daily basis but how do I put that into words? I might start a new thread as I need some ideas.

I just feel numb.

[ALaughAMinute]

Albino, thanks for that - good suggestion. Could I keep it in my pocket do you think? What do I do with the information afterwards? Do I write it down and give it to the solicitor? I'll go to Argos later and have a look. Trouble is, my solicitor wanted me to send him the list by Monday - the reason being my 90 year old mother has moderate/severe dementia and might die soon.

To be honest, I haven't got a clue what I'm doing!

[EggOnTheFloor]

Firstly, shoves and pushes do count as DV but it will have had to be reported to the police/GP or other agencies will have been involved such as social services due to concerns for children living under DV.

For the list of unreasonable behaviour, I used to take clients through the course of their relationship - right from the start. What was the first argument/disagreement that made you uncomfortable about your DH's behaviour towards you. There's always a starting point, usually shortly after marriage or during pregnancy.

Once you've got your first incident, go through the rest of your relationship and document every argument which involved shoves or pushes. Finally include emotional/controlling behaviour, including the most recent incident about hiding your post.

I used to take clients through it for their divorce applications - it would take roughly about two hours and involved tissues/tears/cups of tea. Depending on how bad the abuse was I often made telephone calls to appropriate counselling services afterwards.

I was a female legal aid lawyer btw, and I was confident that I tried my best, despite our obvious financial constraints. Not the fault of the solicitors but the Legal Aid Agency.

[goddessofsmallthings]

"A few pushes and shoves" would have been considered domestic violence if you had called the police at the time.

As it is, any occasions on which he pushed or shoved you can be cited as unreasonable behaviour, the latest incidence of which is him having hidden your passport and other documents in order to prevent/hinder your consultation with the solicitor you have instructed to represent you.

Please don't start another thread as the backstory acts as an aid to enable responders to give an opinion which takes into account past and present circumstances, rather than an off the cuff response to what may appear to be a less complex situation than it actually is. In addition, continuing to add to/update one thread acts serves a record for the OP which enables them to see how their story has progressed and how far they've come during the process.

The case Onehand has referred to may be that of White v White [2000] UKHL 54 conjoined appeals concerning inherited wealth and fair division of matrimonial assets, but it should be remembered that divorce court judges continue to have discretion in the division of marital assets.

[EggOnTheFloor]

I'd further add that whilst I will obviously defend legally aided solicitors I do agree getting a SHL is a great idea and will protect your assets which is a very sensible decision.

[Finola1step]

And for all his efforts, he is simply confirming that you have made the right decision.

[nauticant]

Although the £250 per hour didn't faze me, do get other posters' views on this OP. I'm in the South East and have a particular set of experiences that have given me a view on what's reasonable for a good solicitor.

[Dowser]

Some advice I got..your solicitor is your not counsellor so keep it businesslike. Give him the facts, keep it short.

You don't want to be paying for every tear and tissue.

An appointment with mind would be a good place to start and also ask your doctor to be put on the list for counselling. Tell your doctor what is happening. It's good to have all that recorded.


Mental abuse is still abuse.

[ALaughAMinute]

Thank you to those of you who said shoves and pushes do count as DV because I was beginning to wonder. I think perhaps my solicitor meant that pushes and shoves are not enough by way of DV to get legal aid. I hope so anyway.

Egg, interesting that you worked as a female legal aid lawyer, by the sound of it your clients were very lucky to have you.

There was so much to talk about with my solicitor yesterday, and at £250 per hr I felt I had to cut it short. I think that's why he's asked me to send an email as there wasn't enough time to cover everything in the meeting.

I'm probably being really thick here but what's a SHL? I'm new to this and not yet used to the terminology.

Goddess, good point that pushing and shoving can be considered unreasonable behaviour, I will definitely put that on my list. Shame I can't think about a specific incident but I honestly can't remember how and when it happened.

I already started a new thread but it's true that the backstory acts as an aid to enable responders to give an opinion. Thankfully I've had some very good replies so I've got two threads going at the moment. Self indulgent or what?

Thanks you so much for finding the case Onehand referred to, I will copy and paste that and file it somewhere just in case I need it.

Albino, thanks for the tips on the voice recorder, well worth getting one one for my peace of mind as you say.

Naut, I'm in the SW so £250 is expensive round here. He seems like he can kick arse though and that's what I want.

Dowser, I don't often go to the doctor but recently went because I wanted him to look at a mole on my back which turned out to be okay thankfully. I told him I was under a lot of stress and he asked me if I wanted counselling but I turned it down. I might think about it at a later date but for the moment I feel as if I've got too much to think about.

I hear what you're saying about not wanting to be paying for every tear and tissue. Fortunately I was very controlled when I went to see the solicitor yesterday but I can see how easy it would be to tell them your woes and clock up a massive bill. I must be careful of that. Counselling might well be the way forward for me, but not yet.

Finola, I definitely feel I have made the right decision and that gives me strength. On the one hand I feel sad that my marriage is over and on the other hand I am looking forward to a new life and freedom.

[redexpat]

Shl = shit hot lawyer. Sounds like youve got one

[ALaughAMinute]

Red, he does have a very good reputation so I am hopeful!

To be honest, I quite fancied him!

[catsrus]

eggs'advice sounds wrong to me wrt unreasonable behaviour. Perhaps the law has changed - I was told by my solicitor that it MUST relate to things that have happened in the last six months - otherwise it can't have been that unreasonable because you stayed. The pushing and shoving can be an example of unreasonable behaviour.

[ALaughAMinute]

Cat, I was told you could only include incidents in the last six months as well. I'm not sure of the dates on some of incidents but he said it was okay to put approximate dates.

Strange, but I'm really getting into it now!

[mummytime]

But hiding you possessions such as passport would definitely be unreasonable. If he didn't oppose, unreasonable doesn't have to be too onerous. But the possessions would be strong enough for a judge.

[ALaughAMinute]

Mummy, I hear what you're saying, the trouble is I can't be sure if he's hidden the passport or not. I think I may have filed it somewhere and forgotten about it. Once I started writing my reasons for unreasonable behaviour I couldn't stop so I probably don't need it. I emailed my list and sent it to the solicitor today, and tomorrow I'm going to give them the money for the court order so they can get the ball rolling. All a bit frightening but I have to do it.

[SugarOnTop]

Don't forget that verbal, mental and emotional abuse also falls under DV and i'm sure he's given you plenty of examples of those that you can also submit

[ALaughAMinute]

Sugar, yes, plenty of those. Just about to get ready to go to work now. I feel terrible.

[sashh]

Re the voice recorder.

I have a dictaphone and it has a USB so you can store the files on a computer (maybe at work rather than at home).

[ALaughAMinute]

Thanks, Sash, I'll look into it.

Can't believe how nice the bastard has been this weekend. Scary!