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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help! I'm going to see a divorce lawyer at 3.00 pm and he's hidden all the paperwork!

101 replies

ALaughAMinute · 03/07/2015 09:31

He's hidden everything including my bank statements, what shall I do?

I'm in such a state I can't think straight!

OP posts:
ALaughAMinute · 03/07/2015 11:02

Yes, brilliant advice from Twerk, I'm going to do that!

I went to drama school so I quite like being filmed! Smile

Pocket, I haven't reported him to the police yet but I may well do depending on what the solicitor says.

I keep peeing for some reason! Either I've got a urinary tract infection or I'm nervous!

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 03/07/2015 11:04

Actually - if he is violent I wouldn't advise doing anything in front of him.
Don't put yourself at risk OP.
Inform the police of everything he has done, but your first priority should be considering getting to a place of safety and separating all your accounts etc.
Violence/abuse usually escalates when the abused partner prepares to leave.

ALaughAMinute · 03/07/2015 11:10

Come to think of it I think my passport was out of date but I still can't find my old one.

3little, safety first, I hear what you're saying. He doesn't beat me but he pushes me around and thumps and kicks me sometimes.

He being strangely quiet downstairs. The calm before the storm perhaps? Oh God, I hope not!

I don't have many friends to help me in RL as both my best friends live hundreds of miles away. I told everyone at work I was getting divorced yesterday, and they were all very relaxed about it which made it so much easier.

OP posts:
SusanIvanova · 03/07/2015 11:13

Pushing, thumping and kicking is beating you.

SusanIvanova · 03/07/2015 11:13

Pushing, thumping and kicking is beating you.

ALaughAMinute · 03/07/2015 11:17

Susan, I denied the abuse for years, it's only very recently that I've been able to admit that he's abusing me. Fucking bastard! Angry

Going to have a shower now and start getting myself ready. I'm scared, but I have to do this!

OP posts:
DoggyDaycare · 03/07/2015 11:25

just a quick thought- hide your internet history if you are on a laptop and are leaving the house- you don't want him being able to track you on MNet.

CantAffordtoLive · 03/07/2015 11:30

OP keep your phone charged, handy and ready to switch onto record.

My ex was utterly charming and reasonable. I had cause to call the police when he would not leave me leave the house. I recorded his abuse. The police arrived, it was obvious they considered it 'six of one and half a dozen of the other', until I played the officer taking my statement, the recording of the abuse and threats. He called his colleague in and let him listen. Result, my ex being escorted from our home and not being allowed to return within 24 hours.

Honestly, I understand it is scary, but once you get started you will wonder why you took so long. The light is at the end of the tunnel, just keep going.

Deckthehallswithdesperation · 03/07/2015 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ALaughAMinute · 03/07/2015 11:46

Doggy, I hear what you're saying but I've got my own separate laptop thankfully. Phew!

Can't, nice one about calling the police and getting him escorted from your home, well done you! I'm going to start calling the police, I should have done it years ago!

Light at the end of the tunnel is what I'm dreaming of. Smile Thanks for the reminder!

Deck, I sent my solicitor an email last night outlining everything so hopefully he'll be able to put me in the picture. Thanks for your good wishes.

OP posts:
Dowser · 03/07/2015 14:55

Excellent post twerking spinster . War has been declared LAM and now it's all a battle of wits.

And staying safe. He's really going to turn up the volume.

Years and years before the shit hit the fan with my ex I used to think Id hate to get on the wrong side of you. And sure enough my fears were founded.
He played nasty but in his determination to be the victor and come away with the biggest share of the spoils heade one huge mistake. He lied and cheated and tried to hoodwink his own solicitor and everyone else including the judge.

Huge mistake. They are not stupid. Theyve seen it all before. Play it honest, play it clean, be prepared Tobe your own detective if you think he's trying to pull the wool over everyone's eyes. Be prompt in answering letters as every one of them costs. Get to court appearances every time. Let them tie themselves in knots.

Can't afford to live ...I'd love you to tell us if your solicitor did scare him shitless ....as long as you don't out yourself.

It's a one off for us, usually but for the judges and the solicitors ( all female btw) it's just daily bread and butter to them and they can smell bullshit a mile away.
I had a whole team behind me. I won't say who it was but they were professional people and they went through his account with a fine tooth comb and his lies and they challenged everything that didn't add up.....and there was a lot of stuff that didn't add up.

On the day of the court appearance I turned up with a stack of papers and new evidence to show my solicitor which he took straight round to show his solicitor.( How they must have laughed) and the judge.

When it was time to appear before the judge I asked my solicitor if I should take the papers into the court room. She said no not to bother. My eyes practically watered when he came in lugging this huge tome. I thought when does he think he's going to have time to read all of that. I was sat at one end of the table facing the judge, miles away from my solicitor who was facing him and his.

He was waffling the pages backwards and forwards and whispering in his solicitor's ear the whole time. It must have been bloody annoying for her. She was jumping up and down like a little Yorkshire terrier while mine just sat quietly there with a very impassive face. I was just thinking...when are you going to unleash the beast.. But I reckon it was all decided beforehand.

I was waiting for him to het his knuckles rapped for his lies and he did. Just not in the way I expected.

I did really well . It was ages before that sunk in as I was so traumatised and I like to think he got his just desserts.

Joysmum · 03/07/2015 16:25

Hope all went well Smile

LindyHemming · 03/07/2015 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ALaughAMinute · 03/07/2015 19:02

Dowser, I'm glad you did well and that your ex got his just desserts. Far better to have a solicitor that is calm and controlled in the courtroom rather than have one that is jumping up and down like a little Yorkshire Terrier. God forbid that should happen, that kind of behaviour gets you nowhere!

Thanks for your good wishes Joys and Euph, I've just come back from the solicitors and to be honest I'm feeling a bit emotional. The solicitor I saw last week was very pleasant, if not a little dreary, and this one was top end, expensive, and the dogs bollocks! He seemed very confident that he could get me a good deal more that a 50% cut, plus maintenance in the interim, if we have to boot him out of the house. He said he would help me take back control. That includes, control of when we sell the house, who views it, what we sell it for...everything! Is that realistic?

I asked him if 60/40 was a likely cut (in my favour) and he said it depends on what you are satisfied with and what your requirements are. This is a top notch solicitor and probably the best in the whole of the county. On the one hand he was promising a very favourable settlement and on the other hand he charges £250 per hour!Shock

I'm so confused. My husband is a high earner and I want to make sure I get my fare share but does that mean I have to pay a top notch solicitor £250 per hour? I said I wanted him to act for me immediately (if that's the phrase) but I haven't as yet paid for the £450 (or whatever it is) for the court order so I can back out. Did I do the right thing in instructing him? I feel terrible. I just want to crawl under my duvet and wait for it all to be over. Sad

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 03/07/2015 19:17

I know this sounds awful, but is it worth asking your solicitor if you can protect your inheritance in any way?

Definitely report all violence, abuse and theft to the police now and every incident in the future. Get crime numbers and documentation. It will all help.

ALaughAMinute · 03/07/2015 19:33

3little, it doesn't sound awful at all. He said my inheritance is safe provided my mother doesn't die before a financial settlement is agreed. At least I think that's what he said...to be honest, I can't remember, it's all a bit of a blur! Shock

OP posts:
nauticant · 03/07/2015 19:52

Did I do the right thing in instructing him?

If you want to get the divorce moving and you felt comfortable with his competence and how you can relate to him, then yes, you did the right thing.

£250 per hour looks mid-range to me for anyone decent.

Did you take notes? If you didn't, next time take notes, any decent solicitor will be more than happy for you to do this. There should be no problem in saying "hang on while I just write that down, and by the way did you mean X?"

Dowser · 03/07/2015 20:12

I paid £120 an hour that was 9 years ago finishing up 7 years ago. How much was the other one just as a guide.

I also paid £32 a letter and I think £16 an email. I even paid her for twenty minutes thinking time.....at least it wasn't an hour. Everything came with a price tag.

See what the other girls think but would it be unreasonable to ask If there is a way to keep costs down. Can you do a lot for yourself. Can you settle out of court if you agree to a reasonable settlement.

My ex had a lovely expression. He liked to say..I'll .bang them into court so no doubt he was delighted when he'd banged me into court. I think / hope it backfired for him.

Re the house selling and everything. Like I said it might be worth having an honest tete a tete with him and say something along the lines of yes please guide me in the right direction with the house selling but just so I can keep an eye on the purse strings I might have to be more proactive myself in getting it sold.

if it goes in front of a judge you pay for court time. It may be split 50/50 I'm not sure. What a shame your mum isn't compos mentis to help you out now financially. Im sure she would happily help you with your finances if it keep his hands off her dosh.

I'm racking my brains to think of anything that can help you. If I come up with anything I'll post.

Just as long as you know as I didnt. The easy bit was getting divorced . the money racked up over the settlement.. It was almost like it was in two halves.

He might try to drag things out . It's just depends how big his war chest is.

You poor love. I do feel for you. Stay strong and positive.

Dowser · 03/07/2015 20:28

I wonder if any of this clarifies things
www.terry.co.uk/costs04.html

www.terry.co.uk/costs05.html

www.terry.co.uk/costs.html

www.terry.co.uk/costs01.html
(hmmm we went before a judge. Obviously he must have said bang her into court!)

www.terry.co.uk/costs01.html

They also have a divorce forum which may be useful

www.terry.co.uk/forum/list.php?2

MakeItRain · 03/07/2015 20:40

A good solicitor will really help you but watch those costs. If you have questions save them up to put in a single email because as Dowser said you usually pay for every email separately. His advice is right in that you and your dh will need to agree a financial settlement and a clean break order to ensure neither of you can claim from the other after the divorce is finalised. I would also try your best to remain civil and polite, hard though it is and try not to react emotionally to anything your dh says, as it will help you to get everything through quickly. The more you and your dh can agree between yourselves, the less it will cost you in solicitor fees.

bloodyteenagers · 03/07/2015 20:40

The sooner you instruct the sooner you are out of this shit.

So you really, really did the right thing. I know it's hard timing for you because of everything else (I remember your previous thread). But everyone else will adapt, well apart from the tosser,

Dowser · 03/07/2015 20:42

Is it not possible to ring fence your mothers inheritance as in something you've gained at the end of your marriage ...that he had no hand in creating.

Also be aware that my ex took out a lot of credit cards in which he ran up £30,000 of debt. He wa earning £45,000 pa at the time . I think he was expecting me to get half of it when I was banged up in court but the judge took one look and said as he'd done that after he'd left the marriage....it was all his.

Something else to ask your solicitor about.

Dowser · 03/07/2015 20:45

I hope he's not being unpleasant to you Right now. Watch him like a hawk and any joint. Bank accounts.

If you have any can you remove half the money into your bank account?

We didn't and no mortgage so thankfully not a problem.

ALaughAMinute · 03/07/2015 20:46

Naut, *£250 per hour looks mid-range to me for anyone decent."

If that's the case I may proceed. It's just that the other solicitor I saw said she charged £125 per hour, so I thought £250 per hour seemed a bit extortionate. I guess you get what you pay for, I certainly hope so anyway. I didn't take notes as I sent him an email last night and he just went over everything, but I will definitely take notes next time.

Dowser, I think I will ask him if there is anyway I can keep costs down. He said we could settle out of court if we reach a reasonable settlement, so I will try and talk some sense in my husband to see if he's willing to play ball. The problem is he hasn't seen a solicitor yet so doesn't yet realise that I'm entitled to maintenance and/or more than a 50% stake in the house. I think he might have rather a rude wake up call when he does finally go and see a solicitor but as yet I'm not sure when that will be.

Lovely expression from you ex, but from what you have said previously I think it very likely backfired on him. Karma eh?

I hope to God, my H doesn't try and drag things out. I told him tonight that if he drags things out I will leave regardless. I'm not sure that was the right thing to say but I said it anyway.

Thanks again for your tips and positive thoughts, they are all very much appreciated.

OP posts:
Dowser · 03/07/2015 20:48

Did the solicitor mention anything about your children being dependents. I know they are in higher education ( we had no dependents ...my son and his baby didn't count apparently) . Just wondered how yours fit into the scheme of things.

Hope this isn't too many questions ;-)

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