Does anyone know much about limerence or ever experienced it?

[OneOutOneIn]

It's something I've been reading about recently as I suspect I'm experiencing it with a particular evasive ex but I wonder if the truth is just to get a grip?

Great thread, has helped me a lot to read.

Miss Havisham has to be patron of any support group you set up!

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miss_Havisham

It's not a modern phenomenon x

My goodness. This describes my last relationship I honestly think I was quite insane during it and definitely when it ended. I honestly thought he was my soulmate. I would never love like that again...
I sincerely hope I don't. It only ended when I met my current boyfriend. If I hadn't met him I think I would still be obsessing over the ex.
The ex brought out the absolute worst in me. I've never behaved the way I behaved in that relationship and I am in my forties.
It was incredibly unhealthy. If I had a cheery phone call from him in the morning it would mean I walked on air for the day.
If I had no phone call I would be full of anxiety. I could go on..

SelfLoathing You mentioned that you felt your LO was a weird mixture of alpha male and little boy. Mine "acts" alpha but there is an obvious issue with low self-esteem and vulnerability. AS a perfectionist who is used to to making things work, I guess I thought I could fix him.

I am still on the run. The weekend was taken up with endless texts. Some almost begging...from him. I stood him up yesterday. I'm still thinking, thinking, thinking. It's so hard. Sometimes I think its me, I am faulty, he is normal. At other times I remind myself that I have never been in any relationship that is dysfunctional like this. I see he has filled out an online dating profile full of references to me! things we discussed, observations I made, advice given and reflecting the drama and pain of this car crash. Do I imagine it? He sent the link, he continues to try and create drama and to try and make me crazy. A few weeks ago I tried OD and he contacted me attacking me and saying I was wrong to do this, hell I wasn't even seeing him, I had called it off... again.

Sometimes I see the vulnerability and the dysfunction of his childhood, the broken relationships and the insecurity of his life and feel I am being harsh. Other times his obvious game playing make me feel angry. Other times I feel I am not good enough because I should be more forgiving. I analyse. He must too, because he simply spend so much time trying to manipulate either positive or negative responses from me.

I have met someone very lovely. I have told him. His response is to send a nude selfie whilst I am having dinner with the new man.

Maybe it is just my experience, but for me the limerence is only made possible because of reciprocation. Without his continued chase, retreat games, without his manipulations and stalking (yes he stalks me) it would never have been possible.

It sounds mad, because it is. I want it to be over. Maybe simply wanting it to be over is enough? Broken do you want it to be over? because I really think that this enough to make it so. You can break this, but it requires that you love yourself and put yourself in his place, centre of your life.

Deranged your post really resonates with me. My LO certainly had that macho male versus little boy mix and he had loads of issues. He was not my usual "type" at all. I was certainly drawn to him because I felt I could fix him, all he needed was someone to care enough about him etc.

I am normally a fairly straightforward and direct person, but I ended up mirroring his behaviour towards me. It became this very odd and complex "dance" between the 2 of us, where we seemed to just always be reacting to the behaviour of the other person, he would say things back to me I had said a few weeks earlier, watch me and display stalkerish behaviour.

Although I am quite a perfectionist with some obsessional tendencies, which I suspect is why I got drawn in; from what he told me about his previous relationships I believe all his relationships were like this. He was the one who was dysfunctional, his behaviour helped create this Limerence in me.

It hit me once when I asked him what it was he wanted in relationships and life in general, he replied that all he wanted was the feeling of "being in love". He criticised me for being to much in control as a person, saying I needed to let go and be impetuous. I guess what he was himself searching for all the time was limerence.

But he didn't want me in any capacity at all. Other than an occassional sex relief rota member

I am in this situation. One half of me knows this and I want to tell him to fuck off

But then I like the attention and feel pleased when he comes back to me even when he has been with other women

I need to get some self respect from somewhere

I am currently on week 3 of no contact. Not sure I can keep it up

I am currently on week 3 of no contact. Not sure I can keep it up

Have you done step one of what I suggested to broken? Deleted all evidence of his existence (texts, emails, phone number, email address, blocked on social media etc.)? Block his phone number and email address too (if you don't want to get totally new ones for practical reasons). You need to make it as difficult as possible for you to get in touch with him and impossible for him to get in touch with you (whether you think it's likely he'll initiate contact or not, you need to remove that wonder/hope/possibility). Enforcing the "Never talk about him ever again" rule really helped me.

Interesting, I've had touches of it in the past when feeling down in general about life. This is a friend of mine's whole relationship though, she has never had a real-life relationship just a series of obsessions with unobtainable guys. Mostly harmless enough, except it gets in the way of a real life and real relationships.

Her current one has been going on a few years and borders on stalking - her rationale is that the guy has feelings for her but they're so strong he is afraid of them and she just has to keep pushing him until he gives in - we tell her that her actions could be construed as unwelcome and stalking, and even if he does have feelings for her, it shouldn't be that hard work.

for her, she comes from a very wealthy background so she has always lived, worked and holidayed in family-owned settings, so doesn't do so well with real people and situations she can't control or mold into what she wants them to be, so a real relationship with all its compromises and tedium and annoyances would be too much for her, so this is a way of having a safety-valve.

I think it's just an "extreme" crush/obsession. Had a few crushes but only one that was a blinder… It's just strong primal attraction surely ?..does anyone else share the same opinion?

I guess we're not all talking about the same thing. For me, it was a (thankfully fairly short-lived) obsession, yes, but not a "crush" and not a "strong primal attraction." I wasn't attracted to him! Though of course I did manage to convince myself I was after a while. But really it was a situation of my own making because I was avoiding dealing with the real issue. He wasn't a narc or anything. Just a bit crap/selfish. Whereas broken sounds to me like she has been involved with a very nasty narc who has actively manipulated her quite badly so she doesn't know which way is up and then cast her aside.

I haven't got that far, I have come off facebook so he can't contact me that way. He hasn't tried to contact me via mobile or email. Sounds like he is not bothered anyway.

There is another woman hanging off his every word on social media sites. Yet he was calling me while staying with her asking to see me - this was before I went NC with him.

The stupid thing is I know he is a player. He doesn't even have a job. I have a good job, house with mortgage paid off yet I am chasing this no hoper.

I don't think I am ready to go permanently no contact with him. I have truly lost my senses

Ok, so don't go permanently NC. Do it for 3 months.

ThisThread very similar, yes. I'm usually direct and I don't play games. I have been dragged into playing games with this man. He is also one of those who "wants to be in love" when he is being all out nice he is romantic, charming, affectionate, kind, funny and very into dreaming about the future. However if I so much as put a foot wrong, didn't reciprocate, hesitated to text or respond, he would go cold, for days. This led me to thinking I wasn't giving enough, so I would try only to be faced with cold silence. Eventually I felt I was never being allowed to just be myself, and I started to really hold back emotionally towards him despite desperately wanting to be with him. Sadly I haven't been the warm, spirited, funny, slightly playful person he professed to like, instead I have been withdrawn, and cautious around him.

I only wish I could go no contact I have blocked mobile, blocked email and facebook, binned my google page, he followed on twitter! and started ringing the house...silent calls, dozens of them. I first tried this in Septmenber 2014, he then hunted down OD profile and one other avenue where he could make contact. I have given in. Despite him knowing I am seeing someone, and despite this new man being very lovely, I don't see an end in sight. I can manage several days where he doesn't so much as enter my thoughts now, and then wham...he now has my email and mobile, I have given up after he managed to convince me he was "dying of kidney failure" Now I just answer, never committing to meet and usually pulling the plug when he starts up about love,sex,seeing me, missing me because I just don't believe him. I really wish I could

Keep, please please just try and go NC, this man is using you, that much is an objective fact is it not! you know this, this is not an ambiguous situation where you can possibly hope that he will love you back...

Deranged… I had a guy go crazy on me once (not the guy I have referred to who, if I'm honest, I did probably lead on a bit when I was young). Loads of phone calls and texts and emails. I really, really did not want this. So I changed my phone number and email address. So then the turning up at places where I'd be started. And at that point I told him I'd contact the police if it didn't stop and that this was the last conversation we would ever have. Because I really, really did not want to give him any encouragement. In your position, I would have changed my house phone number too, blocked him on twitter and taken down my OD profile. I wouldn't have thought 'oh fuck it, I give in, have my new mobile number and new email address so you can send me nude selfies whilst I'm out with this lovely new man. And I certainly wouldn't be responding to his emails.

If you really want this to be over, then why have you given him back direct access to you? You know he's not "dying of kidney failure". Every time you respond you are fuelling the fire. Also sounds a bit unfair on very lovely new man…?

I think for me in the end it was "easy" to make the final NC break. Although it involved leaving a successful career of nearly 20 years and cutting myself off from a number of friends! Because my MH was suffering so badly, I was having panic attacks whenever he phoned or I was close to vomiting with anxiety if I was likely to see him.

I changed phone numbers and went Ex-directory to stop the silent hang-up calls. It took me 5 years to be able to visit the town where he lived without having flash backs. I'm proud that even after 18 years, I have never google or Facebook searched his name.

You do have to treat it like being an alcoholic, and get with the programme and never think to yourself I can just see him a little bit.

Although I have recovered, I am sad that the person I was before (carefree, innocent, impulsive and trusting) is gone forever. However I think I may be a stronger and more understanding person who never judges people for making bad relationship decisions.

It was "easy" for me to go NC with someone I really did not want to contact and did not want contacting me… it was not easy to go non-contact with the person I was engaged in gameplay with because we were both fuelling that fire and me going NC was just the first step in getting myself out of it. It certainly wasn't like chucking a massive bucket of water over it. It took time for the embers to go out. I was still thinking up all sorts of "reasons" why I would just need to break it this once, just briefly… but I had to keep forcing myself to be honest and acknowledge that the reasons were not good enough to break the NC.

brokenhearted can't believe anything they say, they are full of shit and lies

Deranged I will try it make it to 4 weeks without contacting him, I am still stalking him online and then getting upset when he chats up other women. It is helping not having any contact with him

Maybe if I keep getting hurt it will make me eventually stop

From a thread I saw elsewhere on MN…

The outrage machine’s latest buzzword is “macktivist,” which refers to men who claim to be feminists in order to meet women. It is as gross as it sounds… on just about every prominent social media platform and feminism message board, macktivists have sneakily staked out a vantage point from which they can seduce and manipulate women

www.salon.com/2014/07/24/what_do_you_call_a_male_feminist_who_only_wants_to_pick_up_women_meet_the_macktivists/

Broken do you want it to be over? because I really think that this enough to make it so. You can break this, but it requires that you love yourself and put yourself in his place, centre of your life

What I meant was, it could be over, the hurt, the obsession with trying to understand him, the questions about whether you were good enough. Maybe wishing it was over is enough to point you in the right direction. Says she who is still struggling!

I wish I knew what I was to him, occasional shag, "gorgeous thing" or "my lovely" (oh I hate that name) or the woman he said he wanted for life. I don't know what I am/or was. I never will know, however many times I respond to his contact, or hours spent thinking.

laurierf I guess part of me must get something out of it now, sadistic maybe. In my worst moments I think he should hurt (he's hurt me), at other times I think if he hurts he will actually want me. Other times, well it just seems easier to respond and try and keep things light. I do have feelings for him, still. Objectively I feel played, but then subjectively I feel my life is what he said "better than his" His manipulation, or is it (hell I don't know!) makes me feel a little bit sorry for him. New man has no idea.

Keepingsecrecy if you are like me, then yes eventually the hurt will start to turn to something else, anger maybe, or it dawns on you that this person capable of doing such harm is not worthy of you. If you can name what it is, and you know in all certainty what he is doing, you already know he isn't worthy of you.

For me, its always about not knowing. If I knew in all certainty what I was to him, I know I would never have found myself obsessing.

ForThisThread anxiety and feeling sick, yep. It's horrid. At one point I was so stressed I lost a stone in weight, I had a panic attack the last time I saw him, which I attributed to something else, but it was due to him questioning me...for an hour! I will never be the same. I used to trust people. I hope maybe like you I will find something positive eventually.

What fucks me off is that he is with a single mum in her fifties with three little kids. I am in my thirties and have a lot more going for me than she does

I know it's not relevant, still annoys me though