Another 'should I end it?' thread...?

[Destinysdaughter]

Been seeing someone since April. He's lovely but I don't see him very often and last week he texted me, saying he'd checked his schedule and wouldn't be able to see me for 'weeks'. He's self employed and has a lot of massive projects on and also sees his kids a lot ( he's divorced ), but if you really wanted to see someone wouldn't you make time for them? Anyway last night I write down a list of his good and bad points. Just wanted a bit of objectivity as I do really like him and I haven't met someone I've liked so much in years.

Bad points.

Lives far away in middle of nowhere
Works constantly
Has 3 young kids
Sees them a lot
Won't introduce me to them
Won't talk on phone
Doesn't include me in his life
Doesn't invite me to friends parties
Sex is all about him
Has a Bad back
Going to have back Operation in a few months
Mean with money
Was unfaithful to wife
Bad relationships with exes
Didn't make me music cd
Not grateful for things I've done for him ( I've got back problems too and have encouraged him to have massage, found a deep tissue masseur, shown him stretches etc)
Doesn't remember how to make my tea in the morning ( may seem a small thing but I have very weak tea and even last week he didn't remember and asked me if I had sugar!)
Don't trust him
We stayed at a hotel, woke up at 6.30 am due to the light. He wanted to leave so he could go home to sleep. I was knackered and hung over and wanted to stay. He threatened to leave me behind if I didn't get up, taxi would have cost me £50
Makes plans and doesn't follow through, forgets about them
Is erratic
Hasn't texted me for 5 days
Feel like he's losing interest
Gets bored easily
Is stubborn
Doesn't seem interested in my life
Doesn't talk about future
We don't do normal things like go to movies, dancing, dinner, watch TV etc

Good
Am physically attracted to him
Makes me laugh
He's intelligent
Likes music
Likes dancing
Has money
Enjoy sex with him
He's warm
Can cook
Smokes
Said I mean the world to him and that he values, misses and needs me.
Enjoyed seeing him
Looked forward to seeing him
Felt desired
Am lonely

You are a FWB or really not even that, because its not possible to befriends with someone who ignores you, deceives you, disrespects you and treats you like a blow up doll they drag out the cupboard when they have nothing better to do.

Really OP, please, please just accept its over. The man won't commit to saying its done because he's busy making tea for others, new tea drinkers, when bored he wants to be able to pick you up again. He's a player.

Don't just think of your emotional health, what about catching something nasty from this man. Oh, the irony have crap sex and then pick up STD !

That tea remark of his was a double bluff. Like the bloke who told people he was a Russian spy when asked what he did, they laughed at the joke - turned out that's exactly what he was.

I would not contact him until/unless he contacts you and in the meantime I'd start looking for other ways to make friends.

Oh, and I don't suppose he lives in East Sussex does he. I know one just like this. Even the list of faults and many of plus points...mmm, except the one I know makes a huge virtue of the fact that he doesn't smoke or drink,... I believe he is busy aging in reverse, making tea, and learning Hebrew.

OP, there are men out there on internet dating when you're over 40. You have to be patient, discerning, and have scrupulous boundaries.

To all those astonished at the idea that a man who spends so much time with his kids could be a 'con' point...

Um, yes, absolutely.

It's exactly why I would never get into a relationship with a man with kids.

It's great for him and his kids that he's a 'hands-on Dad', but I would want no part of it.

And judging by a thread running in chat at the moment on exactly this topic, I'm by no means the only one.

I'd say no. It sounds like he's off anyway. Also - 'sex is about him' - ditch that one!

I'm (just) 47, I was out on a date last night, the guy was lovely.

Love, my ex NEVER remembered my birthday. ALWAYS "confused" it with his clingon loca ex girlfriend.

Ever since we split, he's never once got it wrong. He knew it alright, but to get it right would intimate to us that we were important enough to consider. This man is either making tea for a shit load of other women, or he's making the point to you that you're not special enough for him to bother with.

He's stingy- with money, with affection, in sex, in everything. He's controlling and manipulative. Being single would be better than sacrificing your self esteem and self worth to him.

If you are still reading DD , your recent-ish post trying to justify his behaviour at the hotel is just so sad.

You try to justify his behaviour that morning by saying you'd got to sleep at whatever time blah blah. Can you really not see what was so wrong with a man threatening to leave you behind -and then you'd fork out for a taxi?

If your boundaries are so skewed that you cannot see this as unacceptable and selfish behaviour, the you ought to give up dating for a long time until you develop your self esteem.

What's in your life now?
Do you work?
Do you have hobbies?
If not- get some!
Stop relying on online dating and think about doing things where you will meet men and women:
sport- running clubs, ramblers, tennis, whatever
volunteering
choirs
Meet Up- a group for singles in major cities- but not primarily dating- for making friends

Work on yourself then you will have a better chance of meeting a decent man who will respect you because you will have firm boundaries. The reason you've been treated like this is because you've allowed it thinking you can't get anything any better.

calls you darling? you have a name and that is a red flag for abusers actually if you don't name it you can shame it and abuse it because it is impersonal "darling" its not a term of endearment

This is bonkers.

yes I thought that was a weird comment, too.

I've never heard that 'darling' thing. However I would hate to be called 'darling' by a bf/partner. It's too impersonal, old-fashioned and patronising.
Also he doesn't have to remember your name.

Another 'should I end it?' thread...?

Not sure exactly what you are refering to? What do you want to end?

Seems to me this bloke has something just above a FWB relationship. He's not daft, he knows you require at least the minimal wooing. But he has ways to keep you at a convenient distance and to keep the relationship on his terms: -
Works constantly (erm...)
Won't talk on phone (really...has his own business, but can't use a phone)
Doesn't include me in his life (why would he)
Doesn't invite me to friends parties (as above)

But he does get his rocks off when he fancies it-
Sex is all about him.

What is there to end?

This really sprung (sprang?) out at me:

"Won't go out - cinema, meals etc or even watch TV or meet his friends. No talk of future and now won't see you for weeks."

In his mind the two of you aren't even in a relationship to begin with.

"And regarding the comment about setting the bar higher, have you SEEN the kind of men available on internet dating if you're over 40??"

Awww, this made me really sad for you OP. Even if it was the case that every man available anywhere really was dreadful, do you really think the best thing you can aspire to is to be in an unhappy relationship? YYY to the poster above who said you need to work on your relationship with yourself.

Cut your losses, text him that this isn't working for you, and walk off with your head held high.

Fuck him right off, OP. Seriously, your self esteem is on the floor if you are putting up w what this shit of a bloke is offering.

You are lonely, and in turn, that makes you feel desperate and accepting of any scraps that are thrown at you. The loneliness has to be tackled before you have a chance of meeting a decent guy, otherwise you will come across as vulnerable and needy, and will attract exactly this type of knob, someone who has no respect for you, bottom line is though, he can see you have v little of the stuff for yourself, if you don't think you're worthy of being treated well, well you know the rest...

Oh well turns out you were all right after all. He dumped me by text today, saying he was 'too busy' for a relationship. Stupid me, should have done it myself.

Oh good!

Now you can make sure that you don't hook up with another one like him.

You didn't even like him, OP, you 'didn't trust him' and thought about the fact he'd cheated on his wife.

You just liked the idea of dating, not being single.

I'm old - and let me tell you there are just as many good men available at all ages - relationships come and go for all of us, through our lives. Or do you think everyone settles with a life partner at 20yr old until they die? You're lovely - and you're single. Same applies for men.

I found one - going well, and I'm ancient (so is he).

Sadly I'm not young, I'm 50 and there really aren't many decent men left at this age...

have you SEEN the kind of men available on internet dating if you're over 40??

Yep, I have. Two different meets and a few other emails were enough for me to decide that cats really are all I need. If Mr Right is out there at all he can damn well do the work and find me, I'm not looking any more!

it's for the best, honestly

try to get over the annoyance at yourself for not getting in first like we said you should and move on with your life

Thanks AF! Yes Mumsnet was right as usual...

There are nice men out there, OP, you just need to make sure that they enhance your (already great) single life or what's the point?

It sounds like he is too busy for a relationship.
You want someone who can give more to you than that don't you, so it doesn't suit you either.
Thanks him for his honesty and move on.

Don't try and force your ideal into someone else's frame, look for someone who is a better fit.
Make a list of what you want and what are your negotiable / non-negotiables.

Then stick to it.

Good luck

Really sorry OP

You're much better without him though. Staying with someone like that would just eat away at your self esteem and it doesn't sound like you have much confidence to begin with.

You deserve someone who thinks the world of you.

You will find somebody!