Another 'should I end it?' thread...?

[Destinysdaughter]

Been seeing someone since April. He's lovely but I don't see him very often and last week he texted me, saying he'd checked his schedule and wouldn't be able to see me for 'weeks'. He's self employed and has a lot of massive projects on and also sees his kids a lot ( he's divorced ), but if you really wanted to see someone wouldn't you make time for them? Anyway last night I write down a list of his good and bad points. Just wanted a bit of objectivity as I do really like him and I haven't met someone I've liked so much in years.

Bad points.

Lives far away in middle of nowhere
Works constantly
Has 3 young kids
Sees them a lot
Won't introduce me to them
Won't talk on phone
Doesn't include me in his life
Doesn't invite me to friends parties
Sex is all about him
Has a Bad back
Going to have back Operation in a few months
Mean with money
Was unfaithful to wife
Bad relationships with exes
Didn't make me music cd
Not grateful for things I've done for him ( I've got back problems too and have encouraged him to have massage, found a deep tissue masseur, shown him stretches etc)
Doesn't remember how to make my tea in the morning ( may seem a small thing but I have very weak tea and even last week he didn't remember and asked me if I had sugar!)
Don't trust him
We stayed at a hotel, woke up at 6.30 am due to the light. He wanted to leave so he could go home to sleep. I was knackered and hung over and wanted to stay. He threatened to leave me behind if I didn't get up, taxi would have cost me £50
Makes plans and doesn't follow through, forgets about them
Is erratic
Hasn't texted me for 5 days
Feel like he's losing interest
Gets bored easily
Is stubborn
Doesn't seem interested in my life
Doesn't talk about future
We don't do normal things like go to movies, dancing, dinner, watch TV etc

Good
Am physically attracted to him
Makes me laugh
He's intelligent
Likes music
Likes dancing
Has money
Enjoy sex with him
He's warm
Can cook
Smokes
Said I mean the world to him and that he values, misses and needs me.
Enjoyed seeing him
Looked forward to seeing him
Felt desired
Am lonely

Cat's text is perfect. You will effectively take back some control. Let him go now because if it carries on he will hurt you in the long run. Read back your list and see what we see. A selfish man who doesn't care about any women's feelings, he knows how to turn on the charm but that's all he is, a shell of a man who isn't worthy of you. It's difficult when you are lonely because you can't see the proper picture but if you end it now you should feel comforted that you have retained some self-respect. Good luck!

You should leave him just for the fact he Didn't make me music cd

are you 15?

And the fact that he sees his young children lots needs to be on the 'good points' side does it not?

DD,
I'm sorry, but when I read this

last week he texted me, saying he'd checked his schedule and wouldn't be able to see me for 'weeks'.

I didn't go on to read your pros and cons list.

He's backing out, so let him go. You need a guy who is fully on board which he isn't.

Better luck next time. x

Why did you go to a hotel if he has a home? You say he doesn't take you out.

This
We stayed at a hotel, woke up at 6.30 am due to the light. He wanted to leave so he could go home to sleep. I was knackered and hung over and wanted to stay. He threatened to leave me behind if I didn't get up, taxi would have cost me £50

would have been £50 well spent.

You should have sent him packing and never seen him again.

I think you need counselling because anyone who accepts this kind of behaviour and still wants more has serious low self-esteem issues.

You being lonely isn't one of his good points.

Definitely time to end it.

Janette- he's gone. He's dumped the OP but she won't see it. He's tried to do it kindly, but it's the same message.

Based on the last post, I just sent him this text, " I don't know if I'm being dense but since you've said you can't see me for weeks and I haven't heard from you since, have you dumped me?" ( thought it was better to know)

He replied immediately and said, " No not dumped you. Sorry. Just being a cave man due to my business opps and my legs killing me. Pain is so hard to live with at the moment!!"

Don't know what to make of that.

It's kind of irrelevant as he's left you
But this an awful guy, look at your list of cons. Being single won't be that bad.
I'd concentrate on making friends and get your self esteem up a bit.

The lists were really things I wrote to myself to try and help me make sense of things. The bit about him not making me a music cd was we were listening to music about 6 weeks ago and he said he'd make me a music cd. The fact he hasn't seemed like yet another sign of him not following through on things he said he'd do.

OP, you've been seeing him only a couple of months and yet you say you hardly ever see him. On at least one of the rare occasions you have seen him (hotel) he's treated you very badly. Tbh I wouldn't have sent a text asking him if he'd dumped me, I would have been telling him he's been binned. His response is not at all reassuring for you and he's keeping you dangling on a string just long enough so that you're still around when he suddenly wants a quick shag. Sorry to be harsh but you are worth more than the crumbs this guy is giving you.

He didnt make you a music CD?

My flabber is ghasted!

Honestly, there is so much more there to be miserable about (in your list) I think this is one of the lesser ones. Move on, be happy!

and you "enjoy sex with him" but "sex is all about him"

How does this balance out?

DD, love.

This man is a coward. When men are asked if they have dumped a woman, 99.9% will say 'no of course not'. First because they are cowardly and second because some like back-burner women in case they are available for a shag at some point when no one else is.

There was no way he was going to say 'yes'.

You ought to have said everything you did up to the final part then said 'I'm sorry but I'm moving on, take care.'

Now you have left yourself vulnerable to his coming back and hoping....

OP you sound like the kind of person who'd be attracted to anyone who showed them attention. Why did you ask if you were dumped?! You're putting all the balls in his court! Take some control woman, don't let him be the gatekeeper of your self esteem!

Plus yeah, Wtf about your sex life? !

The sex is good, passionate, exciting and a bit kinky but he comes and I don't. ( however that's not unusual for me...)

Does passionate, kinky sex tend to make you orgasm?

WTF?

No point analysing their sex life, surely- or are you being sarcastic?

OP you sound so desperate for a man that I suspect anyone with a willy would be heaven on earth for you.

Dump and run. Get some self respect and read about the kinds of men you should avoid at all costs.

I was pointing out, obviously poorly, that it doesn't matter what kind of sex their having if it's not mutually satisfying. (I mean "satisfying" too, not "leading to orgasm").

It does sound like he might have another relationship somewhere else. I know you said that he is the only man you have found attractive in two years, unfortunately many other women will too and he will know this. I hate to have to say this but an attractive older man divorced and a cheater, is he a player? Women need to check this out with and new attractive partner.

Women need to check this out with and new attractive partner.

Nothing to stop men checking each morning, "Am I a liar and a user today?".

Sees his young children a lot counts as two bad points?! Dear lord. But yes leave him.

I meant because he sees them a lot and won't introduce me to them I don't see him very often. He's a very committed father which is obviously a good quality. I've only seen him one Saturday night in all this time.

do you have absolute proof he has always been seeing his dc when he says he has ?

they can be a very convenient cover story, particularly because they can't blab as he keeps you apart