Another 'should I end it?' thread...?

[Destinysdaughter]

Been seeing someone since April. He's lovely but I don't see him very often and last week he texted me, saying he'd checked his schedule and wouldn't be able to see me for 'weeks'. He's self employed and has a lot of massive projects on and also sees his kids a lot ( he's divorced ), but if you really wanted to see someone wouldn't you make time for them? Anyway last night I write down a list of his good and bad points. Just wanted a bit of objectivity as I do really like him and I haven't met someone I've liked so much in years.

Bad points.

Lives far away in middle of nowhere
Works constantly
Has 3 young kids
Sees them a lot
Won't introduce me to them
Won't talk on phone
Doesn't include me in his life
Doesn't invite me to friends parties
Sex is all about him
Has a Bad back
Going to have back Operation in a few months
Mean with money
Was unfaithful to wife
Bad relationships with exes
Didn't make me music cd
Not grateful for things I've done for him ( I've got back problems too and have encouraged him to have massage, found a deep tissue masseur, shown him stretches etc)
Doesn't remember how to make my tea in the morning ( may seem a small thing but I have very weak tea and even last week he didn't remember and asked me if I had sugar!)
Don't trust him
We stayed at a hotel, woke up at 6.30 am due to the light. He wanted to leave so he could go home to sleep. I was knackered and hung over and wanted to stay. He threatened to leave me behind if I didn't get up, taxi would have cost me £50
Makes plans and doesn't follow through, forgets about them
Is erratic
Hasn't texted me for 5 days
Feel like he's losing interest
Gets bored easily
Is stubborn
Doesn't seem interested in my life
Doesn't talk about future
We don't do normal things like go to movies, dancing, dinner, watch TV etc

Good
Am physically attracted to him
Makes me laugh
He's intelligent
Likes music
Likes dancing
Has money
Enjoy sex with him
He's warm
Can cook
Smokes
Said I mean the world to him and that he values, misses and needs me.
Enjoyed seeing him
Looked forward to seeing him
Felt desired
Am lonely

I was with my partner nearly a year before he met my children- that would be in the plus box for me.
Can I say though reading your lists your minus' where specific things whereas your pluses where just General things that could apply to most nice blokes.
I do have to agree you need to stop being a door mat though. Delete the number, stop looking for answers and move on. The desperation is unbearable.....

Absolute proof? Well he's shown me photos on his phone of him with the kids after a weekend with them. I've seen the toys in his house, kids clothes on the floor in his bedroom, I guess I just have to believe him when he says he's seeing them. He's described himself as a 'hands on' dad and enjoys doing stuff with them. If I disbelieved him about that then I'd go mad! You've got to trust someone about that surely?

Vivacia, I am referring to unattached older men. Unfortunately most of the loyal good ones are taken by the age of 30 and women like men with older women have to tread carefully before giving your heart away. There is a reason they are single!!!

I've also met some truly awful men the last year, one who was hugely obese and wouldn't stop talking about himself, one who was very sarcastic and dismissive and another who snored really loudly and had a strop and left when I went to sleep in another room. And many other dull, unattractive, unreliable ones etc. This one was like a dream come true compared to the others! At least initially...

I am sure he sees his dc, that isn't what I meant

but every single time he bins you off at a weekend ?

they make a good cover story for his other Saturday night life that excludes you, don't they

But yes, it's not looking good is it?

calls you darling? you have a name and that is a red flag for abusers actually if you don't name it you can shame it and abuse it because it is impersonal "darling" its not a term of endearment

your cons outweigh your pros

sex is all about him? LTB

DONT LOOK BACK

AF yes I have thought that myself! But regardless of whether he's telling the truth or not, the reality is that this isn't the sort of relationship I want.

Hes married love.

stop setting the bar so low for yourself then.

You know this guy is not a catch. He's maybe better than some of the others- in some ways- but he is still not a good man.

Not sure how old you are- guessing 40s if you have an elderly dad who needs your support?

But don't be so desperate. Maybe give online dating a miss and join some clubs etc as was said before- get out and make friends and stop looking for a man - then you will meet one when you aren't looking.

Not sure how he can be married if the OP has been to his house- and a wife isn't there

He's NOT married!! I've been to his house, there's no woman living there.

This isn't what you want.
It will never be what you want.

But I sense you are going to carry on wrestling with it anyway.

I think I remember the obese guy thing, did you post about it?

You need to get a relationship with yourself.

Yes sorry I have to agree with everyone. Bin him.

But regardless of whether he's telling the truth or not, the reality is that this isn't the sort of relationship I want.

there you have it

And regarding the comment about setting the bar higher, have you SEEN the kind of men available on internet dating if you're over 40??

Been reading this thread, and I have to weigh in. It doesn't matter, luv, who the other men are on internet dating; THIS one is not good for you, so please save yourself a lot of time and heartache and move on. You may end up single, and that is not the end of the world. Better to be alone than with a jerk.

If a man cant give you time, you are not a priority

pinkyredrose "Don't let him be the gatekeeper of your self esteem" - I think I need this tattooed on my forehead. I'm so guilty of this sometimes, and it's so true.

OP I would just move on. He sounds like a twat.

I know men (friends, colleagues, relatives) who are over 40 and over 50 who are single. They are in the main, good guys. Some do internet dating and some don't. Just like women. Not all men who do OLD are rotters or physical wrecks.

You stand a better chance of meeting someone if you get out and follow your interests- or create some- or even think about where you work and if you can change jobs to widen your social circle. I get the impression your life is pretty empty and you see OLD as the answer to loneliness.

"Do you take sugar"

He can never be sure, because you are not the only woman he makes tea for.

Are you the dross? Well op? Are you not worth a shite?

YOU are dating! YOU ARE OK, there will be a guy who is real, nice and honest.

The man you are with is awful! He can't make you a tea, or make you come, he doesn't even give enough of a shit to know you take sugar!

The hotel situation is a dumping offence all on its own! Who the fuck wakes up a girlfriend and demands to go home at 6am?

That's what I thought mini!

Mini that's funny, a while back he had forgotten, again how I like my tea ( dishwater ) and I was a bit irritated, saying, how many times have you made me tea? He made a joke, something like, yes I make tea for so many other women...

To be fair, we were both woken up by the bright light at 6, after having gone to bed at 2, we both have problems sleeping generally and the bed wasn't very comfortable. He went home and slept till 3!