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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My BF has been in prison...

260 replies

Stubborn9ts · 29/06/2015 15:06

(sorry if this is long)
My BF of 4 Months has recently told me that when he was a teenager he went to prison for several years for rape against a 19 year old! this happened whilst he was in the Army. He is now 30. He was given a life sentence not so much for the crime itself(even though very serious) but due to a inaccurate pre-sentence report by a psychiatrist, this has since been ruled inadmissible by the courts. He had a number of trials that were dismissed or stopped for various legal reasons.

He says he never did it and was pressured into pleading guilty by his legal team to avoid a life sentence, which he still got!!, He says he pleaded guilty out of fear as he was scared and wasn't able to get his solicitor to do his job so had to cut his losses and go in to damage limitation mode. He had to continue pretending to admit and show remorse for this throughout his prison sentence to get his release. It seems that his legal aid solicitor didn't do much work on the case or go through with the forensic testing he should have done. He has tried recently to get advice - unsuccessfully with a barrister to withdraw his guilty plea.
My BF has a DNA report that shows he is not the person responsible but due to the court of appeal rules this was deemed as available at the trial and can not now be used in appeals. His solicitor never told him about this report! He cannot afford any more legal challenges, financially or emotionally.

He is now on licence in the community and has to carry on as if he did it, as he fears that if he tells probation/police the truth and launches any sort of appeal they might recall him back to prison on a life sentence. His family and small circle of friends are all open and honest about this and very supportive of him. He has moved on and now runs his own successful metal business. It has taken its toll on him, he is cautious in trusting people now and it has left him slightly suspicious of people.

As a result he is automatically on Sex Offenders Register and he has to tell partners about his past, something to do with public protection it seems and something called MAPPA????
I have met his police liason officer who confirmed that i knew why he had been in prison, the police bloke tbh just asked if i knew and didnt go into much depth. Again they just accept he did it as he pleaded guilty without asking themselves if there is more to this or not. He sees probation once a month for all of ten minutes at most, they leave him alone as hes not considered a high risk.

The issue though is on the one hand this very intelligent, thoughtful, nice, quite guy has been to prison for a very serious crime, yet i actually really love him, Some of my friends think i am mad for staying with him. But at the same time he has never hurt me, treated me badly or done anything to cause me to worry. Long term i think we have a future.

What do others make of this? Has anybody else experience of a situation when they find out that a BF has a serious criminal record or been to prison for a sex offence?

OP posts:
Heels99 · 29/06/2015 16:10

Ok so he can appeal then can't he using the DNA evidence which has never been presented. Which of course he will want to do.
I don't understand why he pleaded guilty yet there were three seperate trials.
Was this in the UK?

NRomanoff · 29/06/2015 16:11

So he pled not guilty for the first 2 and guilty for the last one?

But his solicitor didn't use the dna evidence that cleared him in any trial and the victim said it wasn't him.

ludovica · 29/06/2015 16:11

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

NRomanoff · 29/06/2015 16:12

Also why does he still have a barrister, I am assuming that he is paying when he isn't planning on doing anything about it?

ludovica · 29/06/2015 16:13

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

theDudesmummy · 29/06/2015 16:13

"The psychiatrist withdrew his evidence"
Did he tell you that? It would be very unlikely. What were the circumstances of this?
And: he pleaded guilty to a rape he did not commit?
The whole story does not add up at all.
If you really want to stay in this, make an appointment with the police liaison officer and ask for all the true details of the case.

Offred · 29/06/2015 16:14

You've been with him 4 months, his issues with his conviction are not your problem. It is possible he is innocent though every guilty person ever tells people they didn't do it. Why take the risk? Why get involved with someone with such a very complicated situation? TBH no BF of 4 months is worth this stress IMO.

MarchLikeAnAnt · 29/06/2015 16:15

Do you have/ plan to have children?

ElectraCute · 29/06/2015 16:17

It isn't even the fact that he is a convicted rapist. He is worse than a convicted rapist because he is a convicted rapist who says he didn't do it. That means there have been no steps towards rehabiltation.

This ^

Wake up, OP. Do you honestly think you can't do any better?

Twinklestein · 29/06/2015 16:17

I do smell all horse piss at which my nose is in great indignation.

Hissy · 29/06/2015 16:23

My BF of 4 Months

You know FUCK all about him. You owe him nothing. There is no way this would have got to court even once without SHITLOADS of evidence. If there had been no evidence, it would have been kicked from here to kingdom come.

The issue though is on the one hand this very intelligent, thoughtful, nice, quiet guy has been to prison for a very serious crime, yet i actually really love him, Some of my friends think i am mad for staying with him. But at the same time he has never hurt me, treated me badly or done anything to cause me to worry. Long term i think we have a future.

I say again. You know FUCK all. Just because you know of him for 2 years and his family means NOTHING.

someone was raped, a knife was used, and he was connected to it and definitely not cleared. he is either a person that thinks they have a right to demand sex at knifepoint and kick a woman who has already been raped at knifepoint, or he has associated with people who think it's OK to do so.

Nobody gets serious jail time for rape at the drop of a hat.

Twinklestein · 29/06/2015 16:30

To be fair to Hitler, he didn't murder me personally.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 29/06/2015 16:30

Whether he did the crime or not, he was convicted of it and has been to prison. This fact will follow him around for the rest of his life. Why on earth would you choose a convicted rapist as your partner? You say you love him. Forget about the notion of 'love' and start thinking about how this will affect you and your future. He would not be a wise choice of long term partner.

After 4 months you owe him nothing and can move on and find someone who hasn't been to prison for a serious crime. This is a no-brainer, you have to end the relationship immediately.

PushingThru · 29/06/2015 16:33

The disgusting & misogynistic much of the narrative around rape operates, I'm really not surprised that some women absorb it & offer the benefit of the doubt to these lying psychos.

Spog · 29/06/2015 16:33

run.

jesus wept.
i'm going home.

toffeeboffin · 29/06/2015 16:35

Hmm.

Yeah, no. Really, just no. Too many red flags here for me.

Run for the hills OP.

ElectraCute · 29/06/2015 16:36

OP, do you honestly think you're going to get someone come on here and say 'Yeah, I married a rapist and twenty years on, we're just as happy as can be"? It ain't gonna happen.

Why, why, why would you make your life so insanely difficult right from the off? There are a million men out there who aren't convicted rapists - why the giddy fuck would you go all out to develop a relationship with one who is? Four months in... it's nothing - you should be walking away without a backwards glance. Yet here you are, meeting his barrister...

There is no happy ending here, I promise you.

velourvoyageur · 29/06/2015 16:42

First off OP sorry to criticise but a trigger warning would have been nice. I know some people on MN think it's attention seeking, unnecessary etc but I personally think they're often not in a position to judge. I used to not like trigger warnings because I just didn't understand, then something happened and now I find them very useful. Lecture over...

Secondly I really feel for you as this is such a hard situation you're in. But I would still run without looking back.

It has taken its toll on him Angry sorry but fuck that, he's suspicious of people oh poor lamb. What about the nineteen year old ay?

toffeeboffin · 29/06/2015 16:43

'In terms of kids in the future, it is important to note he has never done anything to make him a risk to kids. The police themselves say he isn't a risk to kids. hes not even on their radar'

YET

Seriously OP, get real.

ChipsOnChips · 29/06/2015 16:44

I used to be a criminal barrister. What he is saying doesn't make sense.

YellowTulips · 29/06/2015 16:47

This doesn't stack up for me.

He was convicted not by trial but because he pleaded guilty. As such any evidence (DNA or otherwise) was never tested in court. So I can't see how it would be inadmissible.

The rape took place in his flat. So an unknown person broke in, raped a woman who then blamed it on your BF when he came home? This is such an unlikely scenario.....

He pleaded guilty to avoid a life sentence. You just wouldn't do that - sorry. Conviction rates where is one persons word against another are so low it's not worth NOT going trial unless the evidence against you is overwhelming.

OP if it stinks it's probably bullshit.....

GirlInterupted · 29/06/2015 16:47

You know if you have children social services will probably remove them from you if you are living with a registered sex offender.

Heels99 · 29/06/2015 16:47

He's not on police radar yet they have already spoken to op.

I give up. Some things you can tell people, some things they have to find out for themselves.

mairead10 · 29/06/2015 16:49

Poor you, you really do want to believe him and are overlooking huge inconsistencies in his story. Like everyone else, I think you should run for the hills.

Was it a military court ? you mention he was in the army and it was one of his colleagues.

In the off chance that he really has suffered a miscarriage of justice and was cooerced into pleading guilty for a crime that he did not commit, then there are several routes you can take to try to get the case re-opened, there are several charitable organisations that do pro-bono work in the area of miscarriage of justice.

DeltaDaenerysWhite · 29/06/2015 16:50

Ok, never mind about all the rape stuff because that in itself is enough to make any sane person run a fucking MILE.

What's this about you being in love with him? After 4 months? Are ye having a laugh?? Sorry but you cannot possibly love him after that amount of time because............ YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM PROPERLY!!!

Seriously! Even all this crap he's feeding you is just madness. I really think you should back away from him asap.

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