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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When your DC's dad says "sorry, can't pay you anything this month".......

55 replies

notthestereotype · 28/06/2015 18:18

.....well what is your reaction?

I split from my DD's dad over 3 years ago. Both have moved on. Both have fiancees. Overall, I'd say we have an ok relationship, given that our split wasn't the most amicable initially and given that when we were together, we didn't really get on at all! Anyway, money was always an issue, even when we were together. He's admitted that he's terrible with money, but he just kind of accepts it and therefore, I think he expects others to too. Like it's almost amusing how terrible he is with money. Erm, don't think so. It's about as amusing as having a sneezing fit when you've broke a rib.

When we first broke up, he didn't really pay me anything. Just bits when he had it, which wasn't very often. Then after 6 months or so, I said enough is enough and that I would need a monthly amount. We initially agreed on £100, which tbh wasn't realistic, or fair, so we then agreed to double it to £200. However, ever single month WITHOUT FAIL, there is always a problem! I have to remind him several times and we normally end up bickering about it. It's ridiculous! By the time I actually get anything, it's normally at least a week late, but this month when I reminded him (again) he said really casually "yeah, sorry, no can do. Haven't got anything for another 3 weeks" I told him that it was completely unfair and that he should be budgeting for this, like we have to all the time! He just said that there was nothing he could do and I think expected that to be it, but I can't let this go can I?

Unfortunately, he's self employed, which means that if I did take it to the CSA (which I really don't want to), I'd probably be entitled to much less than he's already, occasionally giving to me.

WWYD?

Thanks

OP posts:
warmleatherette · 28/06/2015 18:24

Wow are you me? This is exactly my situation. Right down to the £100 and the fact that he would pay less via the CSA. When he refuses to pay (as he has done twice this month, leaving me £200 under budget and unable to pay all of the mortgage) I just have to suck it up really...I don't want to beg him for money. I normally just send an angry text message and leave it at that. Pathetic. Sometimes I think it might be better to go via CSA because even if it's less money, at least it would be regular and I could budget accordingly.

MrsHathaway · 28/06/2015 18:25

Does he listen to his mother or brother or anyone else who might have an ounce of responsibility and/or sympathy for you and kick him up the arse?

I can see that if he doesn't have a regular, predictable income then it would be trickier than for the average person who receives a salary and can send a payment over before they're tempted to spend it. The equivalent for him would be that every time someone pays him he should expect to send you some money for HIS child's expenses.

I suspect he knows you're stuck and doesn't care. People who mistreat their exes in this way even though it risks harming their child/ren are despicable.

butterflygirl15 · 28/06/2015 18:26

I would still call child maintenance options even if he is self employed. They could tell you how much he should be paying you.

andthenagain · 28/06/2015 18:36

Just tell him that you cannot afford to feed the DC's this month so you will be dropping them of at his house for the week for him to feed etc.

(obviously you will not do this)

IAmAShitHotLawyer · 28/06/2015 18:51

I would put it through the CMS. You won't get less you'll get 12% of his gross income.

Original poster
notthestereotype · 28/06/2015 18:57

warm, it sucks doesn't it! I'm sorry you're having to put up with this crap too.

Mrs, well I can't be sure, but I think the reason he paid me more eventually, was because a friend told him that compared to what a lot of dads pay, £200 a month was nothing. He knows this and yes, I can understand that because he's self employed, he doesn't always know when he'll be paid, BUT when he has months when he's doing very well, he needs to put some away for the inevitable dry months. I mean, it's not rocket science is it?!!

and, it's really bloody tempting. This is pretty much where we are though...struggling to pay the bills and buy enough food. When I told him this, he just said "well we're in the same boat then" but we're not! When we have a bit of extra cash, we save it. We don't go buying expensive clothes and watches and flash them around, like he does! Seriously. He did this a couple of months ago. I don't begrudge him nice things, but I do when he says he's broke and can't pay time and time again!!

OP posts:
Fugghetaboutit · 28/06/2015 19:01

I would hand the kids over to him and let him get on with it

RavioliOnToast · 28/06/2015 20:54

What worked for me when I was actually getting money off dd1s dad was to get him to pay me weekly. Set up a standing order for £46 per week (equivalent to £200 per month) then it's less to pull out. Ask him if this woukd be an option

RavioliOnToast · 28/06/2015 20:55

Oops posted too soon, but if it isn't, I'd honestly take him to child maintenance service. It's like you say, you could budget for a fixed amount that way and at least you know youd get it

Hissy · 28/06/2015 20:59

I had to ask where the May payment was as it was already the 20th. He told me "in 2 weeks"

So June then... Hmm

And they wonder why the contempt?...

Hissy · 28/06/2015 21:01

For 2 years, not a bean.

He sent me £400, but in the same call spoke to ds and said I'd buy him an iPod with the money he'd sent....

Again he wondered why I lost it...

ScrambledEggAndToast · 28/06/2015 21:03

I could feel my anger rising just reading your post OP AngryAngry Men like your ex just don't view maintenance as a 'proper' bill. To them it's optional and because you are there picking up the slack anyway it doesn't really matter if they don't pay. My ex hasn't paid in nearly 3 years and I doubt has any intention of paying despite the best intentions of the CSA. The worst thing he ever did once was about 6 years ago, he cam round to my home, lifted up his top and said 'there's your maintenance'

It was a tattoo on his back (better not give specifics) I was so angry. That was when I went to the CSA.

warmleatherette · 29/06/2015 09:56

One of the things that makes me reluctant to use the CSA now is that the coalition changed it. If the CSA "collect and pay" (take it from his wages) then your payment is reduced by 4% and the dad's payment is increased by 20%. The CSA then keep the extra 24% for themselves. This is in addition to the £20 you will now be charged to open the claim. The thought that they will take an extra 20% from the non-resident parent but not give it to the resident one makes my blood boil.

butterflygirl15 · 29/06/2015 10:15

But even with the charges taken - you will still have an amount each month you can rely on, rather than waiting for him to deign to give you what he sees fit.

Joysmum · 29/06/2015 10:22

It's not YOU he can't pay, it's his kids.

Original poster
notthestereotype · 29/06/2015 10:41

Ravioli, I did actually suggest that he did more of a little and often payment, but he said that would be more difficult. So basically, everything I have suggested can't/won't work Angry I think I've been really understanding and patient, with the fact he doesn't have a steady income, but I can only be understanding to a certain point. I expect the odd month to be a little late, but not every month! And not just late, but sometimes completely missed!

Hissy, that's something my ex would do too. Not exactly the same, but he bought my dd (who's 8) her own mobile, which I didn't think she was really ready for. It's not a smart phone, but nevertheless, personally I think she's a little young. I told him this, but he bought it her anyway on pay as you go....you can probably see where this is going.... I said "right ok, but you need to make sure you keep her phone topped up" and I get "of course I will" She's had it for 6 months and he hasn't topped it up once. I've already spend at least £50, which I don't have, on something I didn't even want her to have in the first place!

Scrambled, you have hit the nail on the head. That's exactly it! It's not a proper bill. It's something they can pay as and when they can/choose. And 3 years?!! Angry Does he give a damn? On what planet does he think that that is acceptable?! I would be very interested to know about his 'witty' tattoo Hmm but I get why you probably shouldn't share....unfortunately.

warm, mine too.

Oh, also my ex plays the "but this was all your decision anyway" card, because I was the one who initiated the split. So because he didn't want to break up, that apparently makes it unfair for him to pay me regularly, even though he's paying a hell of a lot less then he would have been when we were together. Sometimes (when he's particularly flush) he'll take dd out for a shopping spree and spend a couple of hundred on clothes that are impractical, the wrong size, or both and then will say he can't afford to pay me the next month, because of the shopping spree! He'll spend £50 on one top for her and the same again on trainers or something and thinks that he's kitted her out. When I say I don't have enough money for clothes for her, he'll say "oh what about those clothes I bought her a few weeks a go?!" Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
notthestereotype · 29/06/2015 10:48

Joysmum, helpful. I think you're stating the obvious aren't you?! He can hardly give the money straight to my 8 year old can he! He pays ME, so that I can look after OUR child.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 29/06/2015 10:56

You'd think its be obvious wouldn't you, and yes to you and I it is.

I said this because I have single friends who's exes see child maintenance payments as benefitting the mum, not the child. They therefore see not paying it as hurting/inconveniencing/punishing the mum, not their kids.

If your ex has worded it this way perhaps he's also not making the link that the payments are not for YOU.

No need to be so fucking rude Angry

Original poster
notthestereotype · 29/06/2015 11:00

Joysmum, I found your post rude actually. Very.

OP posts:
Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 29/06/2015 11:06

notthe Joysmum was agreeing with you and being supportive. You've read it completely the wrong way.

Original poster
notthestereotype · 29/06/2015 11:11

Alibab, I think I probably did. I've re read it after the explanation and I can see that now. I thought I was being attacked, probably because this is what my ex used to say- " It's not your money, it's dds" and it drove me insane.

joysmum, apologies.

OP posts:
Original poster
notthestereotype · 29/06/2015 11:13

......I honestly didn't think that that was what you meant. I hope I haven't offended you.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 29/06/2015 11:15

I've explained my post was a comment on absent fathers justifying/minimising their actions.

You can continue to choose to be offended if you like but it truly wasn't intended. Sorry you took it the wrong way. Sad

Joysmum · 29/06/2015 11:15

Ah x posts Grin

I must type quicker!

Joysmum · 29/06/2015 11:17

Hmm sounds like the familiar story.

I suppose you've already gone down the route of pointing out his wording was incorrect and it's his children he's fleecing?

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