When your DC's dad says "sorry, can't pay you anything this month".......

[notthestereotype]

.....well what is your reaction?

I split from my DD's dad over 3 years ago. Both have moved on. Both have fiancees. Overall, I'd say we have an ok relationship, given that our split wasn't the most amicable initially and given that when we were together, we didn't really get on at all! Anyway, money was always an issue, even when we were together. He's admitted that he's terrible with money, but he just kind of accepts it and therefore, I think he expects others to too. Like it's almost amusing how terrible he is with money. Erm, don't think so. It's about as amusing as having a sneezing fit when you've broke a rib.

When we first broke up, he didn't really pay me anything. Just bits when he had it, which wasn't very often. Then after 6 months or so, I said enough is enough and that I would need a monthly amount. We initially agreed on £100, which tbh wasn't realistic, or fair, so we then agreed to double it to £200. However, ever single month WITHOUT FAIL, there is always a problem! I have to remind him several times and we normally end up bickering about it. It's ridiculous! By the time I actually get anything, it's normally at least a week late, but this month when I reminded him (again) he said really casually "yeah, sorry, no can do. Haven't got anything for another 3 weeks" I told him that it was completely unfair and that he should be budgeting for this, like we have to all the time! He just said that there was nothing he could do and I think expected that to be it, but I can't let this go can I?

Unfortunately, he's self employed, which means that if I did take it to the CSA (which I really don't want to), I'd probably be entitled to much less than he's already, occasionally giving to me.

WWYD?

Thanks

Ali, I read it that way at first, too, but then the follow up confirms she was telling the OP off for acting like the money for her (which she wasn't, she just worded it that way because the money goes to her to spend on the child, not the child directly). So, yes, rude and unfair.

OP I would propose going through the CSA to him the next time it happens, then give him one chance to stop missing payment dates without them (because they take a slice and it's generally easier to do without them if you can). If he doesn't improve dramatically then follow through. He probably won't want the CSA involved so hopefully the threat will be a kick up the backside, and if not, well, at least when you go through the CSA you'll get regular payments.

Ah ok. No harm done I hope

Cross posted

Avocado, I hear some terrible stories about the CSA, especially when they're chasing payments from the SE parents. I did threaten once, to which he very quickly replied what I would be entitled to and so that would be very stupid. His ex told him that I would only be entitled to £20 a week, maximum! I don't think he'd declare all of his money either, so I think I'm be fighting a losing battle

I would not threaten CSA again. Self employed dads get away with murder so there is no point.

You sound a bit soft, regarding the phone I would have not topped up the phone at all and told my daughter to ask her dad as its his responsibility. If my ex stopped paying me child support I be a bitch and stop him seeing his daughter. If he threatened court I would laugh and say part of court would be sorting child support and he properly be worse off.

My ex was playing me around so I stopped him seeing our daughter for 2 weeks, funny enough his now stepped up and sees our daughter regularly. You need take the control back as his taken advantage right now.

Rebecca, I don't think I was soft. It's not my DD's fault and so by giving her a phone and then not actually being able to use it, is incredibly unfair and confusing for her. Yes, it wasn't my responsibility, but she shouldn't suffer because he's not coughed up...again! Also, I wouldn't stop my DD seeing her dad because of money. I would only stop her seeing him if I thought she was somehow in danger. If I didn't allow him to see her just because of money, then to me, I would be using her to make my point. Why should she suffer any more than she needs to? She needs her dad in her life. I just wish he was more financially responsible. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely fuming! I won't use her as bait though.

Rebecca - you are wrong on so many levels. You cannot stop contact if a man stops paying maintenance. That is terrible advice and a woeful way to behave. Children are not pay per view. And threaten court all you like - CMO deal with child maintenance.

And even if a man is self employed it is worth going to CMO and asking them to intervene.

Children are not pay per view. Exactly.

Just spoken to him. Apparently he'll be minted by October!! Great! I should stop 'nagging' now shouldn't I. Only another 3 or 4 months to wait

OP, you were mad to top up her phone, that was her dad's decision, he pays for it. I wouldn't have allowed a phone in the first place.

you have to let others fail, and not bail them out. not having mobile credit is hardly suffering, and if she thought it was, she can ask him for it. She needs to know who is failing her, and by bailing him out, you cover for his failure.

I don't agree with using DC as ransom, but I do agree with taking back control and showing these feckless twats that they don't call the tune anymore.

He's financially responsible alright, just that he is using money to hurt you and undermine you.

A child needs a GOOD dad in their lives, not a shit one.

It might be cheaper and more effective to get a court order for child maintenance if he is self employed (rather than go to CMO). Could you look into this?

Hissy, I wasn't mad. My dd has emotional, social difficulties and so I have to pick my battles wisely. Yes, no child deserves a shit parent, but overall he isn't. I would not withhold access to make my point. That is 100% wrong.

stereotype, I know it's not the main issue here, but you can explain to your daughter that the phone is one daddy got her, he promised to keep it in credit, do if he doesn't, it just has to go in a drawer till he does. It is nothing to do with you, and you certainly can't afford to top it up. That's not punishing her - after all, she wouldn't even have a phone if it was up to you. It's completely different from the access question.

you bailed him out to the tune of £50. That is mad. I agree you have to pick your battles, but you didn't choose that fight, your Ex did it.

You can tell your DD that the phone is your dad's gift to her and that he agreed to fund it.

The other thing to point out is that he can't be trusted to keep to his word, why would the phone have been any different. Bet he didn't forget to pay HIS phone bill did he?

Please stop bailing him out. let him fight the fights HE started. If your DD has difficulties, it may take longer for her to accept, but she can and will do if you are consistently telling her that her Dad is responsible for the phone and you can't be when you don't get the money sent to you.

Why not get him to set it up on something like Giff Gaff so he can have a DD to pay for it on a monthly basis?

So all these men are just too stupid to realise that the money is going towards keeping their children safe, warm, clothed and fed? Just too damn stupid? And they'll understand if you explain it to them in little words. Like fuck they will.

They all know perfectly well. They're just feckless fathers. They do it because they want to, and because they can.

"Perhaps he's not making the link that the payments are not for YOU"

Yeah, riiiiight.

jux, unfortunately you're probably right

It makes me so on behalf of all the reliable parents who stoically go without, who spend so frugally so their children get stability and can rely on a meal at home, and clothes from their rp, while the nrp plays Disney Parent, and messes around with the money, spending what they like when they like on whatever they like.

And then when women pussy foot around suggesting that it's just that pore menz don't understand... There is no excuse. None. Aaaaargh!

Sorry to be so intemporate.

You might have answered this already, but can you take the clothes he buys back? Or does he remove the tags immediately? At least that way you can buy her age/size appropriate things

syka, no I can't unfortunately. I tried once, but yes, he'd removed the tags.

Oh and forgot that they're saving for a wedding, so that's no doubt having an impact. I'm recently engaged too, but there's no way we could start seriously saving right now. I actually did bring this up with him fairly recently and he barked that that had nothing to do with me and it was basically a separate money pot! Well of course it wouldn't have anything to do with me if dd was getting what she needed from him!!

I could have written your post I've given up.

Sounds like my old situation op!

It got to the point when my ex told me 'I can't pay any money this month because I need to buy a new laptop' whilst also talking to other people about getting a brand new car that I decided to go through CSA. It worked out that I was £43 better off going through those (although he insists I'm actually £57 worse off because he is actually DELUDED).

I didn't care if it was less money, it was the continuity and regularlity I needed so I could budget.

As he's self employed I imagine that he is reducing his taxable income as much as possible to pay as little tax and NI as possible and unfortunately CSA will use his accounts to make a calculation. Do you mind my asking if he is registered as a ltd company? I may be able to check out his company accounts and see what they show.

Have no advice sorry, op. I reared my dd completely single handedly with no support. Definitely not s stealth boast, just how it was
. But I'm wondering where call me Dave is. You know our wonderful PM. He's quick enough to pounce on the resident parent. Yet I never hear a peep of critique for the absent parent.

I have just gone through my bank statements with a toothcomb and worked out exactly what he has been paying over the last few months, then averaged it all out. i think it probably works out at around what the CSA would make him pay - though of course I'm not exactly sure how much he earns and as he's a compulsive liar it could be more than he says. But as you say letmeeatcake "I didn't care if it was less money, it was the continuity and regularlity I needed so I could budget." That's my problem. Not enough money to pay the mortgage this month because he has skipped payments. I'm good with money but I have to know if it's coming in or not. Think I'll give them a bell.

So update....

Ex says he can give me the money by next Wednesday. Obviously I'm sceptical. He texts yesterday and says he feels bad for dd, so will transfer that night. I hear absolutely nothing, so text him to ask if he's transferred it yet. Again, nothing. Text him this morning and I get an arsey message back saying basically, problem with the bank. He then calls to say he can't give me anything for at least another week, probably 2!!! It's someone else's fault of course!!! I'm fuuuuuming this morning! Why the f**ck am I surprised?!

*transfer half, not transfer that. I wouldn't be that lucky! Not that it makes a difference because I'll probably be fobbed off for the next month!

Arghhhh *transfer half that night! Sorry, worked up.