What's really going on here?

[MusicIsMedicine]

Would like to hear some opinions on this. Been with my DP almost 4 months. Fell pregnant (unplanned) in month 1, it was ectopic. I am not on the pill and had been tracking ovulation. I told DP when it was a risky time but he more or less insisted on seeing me that week, but I avoided him anyway and told him why, but I ended up ovulating twice in one month and ended up pregnant.

No sooner was the pregnancy over than we were having unprotected sex again, pretty much by mutual consensus. Even though we both said to each other we are not ready to have a child (yet).

I am 37, no kids, previously single for a few years, previous long term partner couldn't have them. This situation is baffling me as I have never taken these risks with any previous partner. We have been having unprotected sex for weeks again. I was upfront from the start that I cannot take the pill or most other hormone contraception for health reasons. We did try condoms but I am allergic to latex. He is not keen on the coil.

He asked me a few weeks ago during a frank honest chat, was I trying for a baby and I said no. But then it occurred to me to ask him the same question, since he has continued taking these risks knowing how quickly I fell pregnant before. He would not look me in the eye after I asked it and sort of mumbled "no." I even made a joke that he might be trying to trap me and he didn't respond!

Interested to hear people's views on this.

Earlier xpostwith OP - he could feel the coil? Either that's not true or it was fitted incorrectly or it had slipped.

In the past, coil use in women without children was linked to infertility and PID. More recent studies have indicated that is not correct. It's up to individual doctors and women how they interpret that and thus what choice to make.

Music I used persona, but to be honest I got to know my cycles so well that in the end I didn't need it. Track your cervical fluid and you'll know when you're fertile.

Persona resulted in 2 unplanned pregnancies for me. I would not recommend it as contraception. I ovulate during my period. Coil is ace for me, but DPs trouser snake finishes above his knees.

I ovulate during my period.

Then it's not your period.

It doesn't matter what her partner thinks, given her previous history, no GP worth his salt would let her have a coil. Previous Ectopic and coils are not compatible.

Music I think his non answer re is he trying to get you pregnant probably gives you an answer of yes. Can the pair of you sit down and talk through a 10 year plan (yack, i hate them), and see if, in 2025, you can see yourselves together with a 9 year old child? And until then, can you take control of contraception - with the hormonal routes and coils out, latex free condoms are possible, if he will wear it, as are abstinence (unlikely this early in a relationship!), or a cap?

Thanks addictedtosugar, good post.

I used Persona about 20 years ago when it first came out. It seemed like a perfect solution to contraception issues. A close family member is a midwife, and after Persona had been around for about 18 months she happened to mention how many Persona births she'd attended. That was the end of that. There's a reason why it wasn't massively successful.....

I am sorry for your loss. I agree it is probably partly hormones driving you to take risks.

Like previous posters I hope you get to know your boyfriend better first. If he does disappear I hope you have a good family support network. Plenty of women do go it alone but parenthood's a marathon not a sprint.

DP, to me, indicates a long term, serious relationship OP. I would expect a 'partner' to be living with you, or at least planning to do so.

I notice that you have studiously ignored the question about STI checks.

If you want a baby together, fine, go for it, but if you are sure enough of your feelings to be able to try for a baby, you should be confident enough to talk about it, and call it that in my opinion. This is potentially a real life person you are creating.

Not using contraceptives = trying for a baby. Fact.

Just be honest. If you can't talk to him now about this how on earth will you communicate once baby is born,

Bakedapple I ovulate at day 5 of my period. Fact.

Because it is possible to ovulate during your period, it is also possible to get pregnant during this time. However, women who have regular menstrual cycles typically will not ovulate during their period. Those women who have irregular cycles may experience increased chances of ovulating during a period.

Lightenin really? The worst that could happen from an unplanned pregnancy is a beautiful baby and an "easier than you imagine" life as a single parent?

I'm glad it worked out for you, truly I am, but I think that is a naive and stupidly optimistic sentiment.

I've got a coil and had an ectopic. I don't know where you are getting this information from.

Feeling the coil? I'm sorry but that is utter rubbish and strikes me as a red flag of some description and maybe you are right in your OP, maybe he is trying to 'trap' you. It is a thing.

I used Persona and ended up with both of my children. They were both Persona Babies.
And my cycle was regular
And ovulation was regular.

Unprotected sex can & regularly does result in pregnancy &/or an STI if you didn't both get screened prior to starting unprotected sex How you can state you aren't trying for a baby is quite hard for me to therefore believe... Try the implant or maybe talk to GP about alternatives.

Lightening - thanks for sharing your story.

If you're shaggy without protection then you are ttc (at 37 you should know this)

Get that part in your head sorted first then deal with the other parts of your dilemma

Ectopic Pregnancy Trust, who I actually trust regarding Ectopic pregnancies, rather than GP's who look blank half the time state
"IUDs (Intra Uterine Device) or coils are not recommended for those who have suffered an ectopic pregnancy as they are renowned for preventing pregnancy in the uterus but are not effective in preventing pregnancy elsewhere. With a coil in place, the sperm and egg can still meet in the fallopian tube and fertilisation can, and often does, take place. When things then progress as they should and the egg arrives in the uterus, the coil makes it a ‘hostile’ place and so conception does not continue because implantation cannot happen. The egg expires and is passed in normal menstrual blood (you can’t see it as it’s smaller than a pinprick and is not visible to the naked eye)."

It was also in my discharge notes.

So you want to know why you are taking risks, op?

I can sort of understand where you are coming from. a lot of us get these almost self destruct risk taking urges at times. You know something isn't a good idea, but you go ahead and do it anyway. Why? God knows, I'm sure psychologists have some answers. Very risk averse/dull life in other ways? Hidden desire for whatever you are risking? Just want to see what happens?

I know someone who got pregnant while claiming to not want to, but also having to admit a tiny bit of her wanted to know if she was fertile or not. A sort of test. While not actually trying to get pregnant of course (but not using contraception either). Our thinking and feelings can get very muddled over these issues.

To be honest, it sounds as though both of you are mulling over a baby deep down and avoiding making a yes/no decision and just opting out to 'leaving it to fate'. Fate is gonna go for baby, you know that really, so stop faffing and talk to him and make a decision either way. That decision can be 'yes, but let's wait a year while we get more established/finish enjoying the honeymoon period/find out for sure if this can be long term and not just lust/infatuation/love that won't last'. And then get some latex free condoms.

I think you are shagging away because you want to replace the baby you lost, which is understandable. I'm less sure about his motives - there certainly are men who try very hard to impregnate women without any real discussion and with some unhealthy motivations. Some men want to make sure a woman will be tied to them forever because of a shared child; some see impregnation as some kind of endorsement of their Sacred Dicks, and some see it as a way of putting a woman in her place: she needn't think she's going to have a career, she's a breeding animal.

It sounds like you've decided to toss a coin on one of the most decisions you could ever make. ??

It sounds to me as though both of you want a baby, but neither of you is prepared to come out and actually say it, probably because it is viewed as extremely rash and silly to conceive with someone you have only known a matter of weeks by most people.

Therefore if it happens 'accidentally' then you can both say 'ah we had an accident, but we are going to step up and be good parents', rather than admitting to each other you both want a baby, especially when the relationship is so young.

At the end of the day yes I think it is a little rash to have a baby with someone you have only just met, but on the other hand some people have children with people they have been with for years and it doesn't work out.

What would help you to feel clearer about what's going on? What would you like/what do you need to hear from him? Because there are questions here that you can ask. That is in your control. You sound in your post like you don't have control - but you do, if you choose to have a conversation.

If you don't, then things might work out happily, or you may very well be raising a child on your own. Fine if you are up for that, of course. But we all know that just because someone wants to have sex with you without contraception and isn't initiating a conversation about parenthood they will definitely be up for being a committed father.

Anyway - that aside, I understand about the coil and your reasons for not going for it.

When I had mine fitted the doctor said 'if you tell your partner that there are tiny threads/wires that are in your vagina, they will insist they can feel it. Don't tell them - they won't feel it.'

And lo and behold mine never has...!

I had a coil. There were occasions when DH could feel a pricking sensation...usually on deep penetration.

Bloody thing didn't work anyway and DS2 was the happy result.

This was forty years ago so maybe coils have improved since then but feel it he certainly could.

You are 37, not 27, assuming you would like a child, I would suggest you just get on with it.

As for his motivations, SGB makes some excellent points, although it may simply be that he either loves you and sees a future with you, or he may in fact just make a perfect father to any child. One can't know for sure who will make a good or bad parent. The essential core of people doesn't change just because you get to know them better, they remain the same however much time you take to assess this.

I don't see why anyone would even think of romantic happy ever afters when they consider having children anyway. Many marriages fail, and just as many are miserable. It is possible to being up a child on your own, many do, and lots of people play mix and match families. Not saying this is right or wrong, desirable or not. But if you want a child, 37 is probably a good time to get started!