What's really going on here?

[MusicIsMedicine]

Would like to hear some opinions on this. Been with my DP almost 4 months. Fell pregnant (unplanned) in month 1, it was ectopic. I am not on the pill and had been tracking ovulation. I told DP when it was a risky time but he more or less insisted on seeing me that week, but I avoided him anyway and told him why, but I ended up ovulating twice in one month and ended up pregnant.

No sooner was the pregnancy over than we were having unprotected sex again, pretty much by mutual consensus. Even though we both said to each other we are not ready to have a child (yet).

I am 37, no kids, previously single for a few years, previous long term partner couldn't have them. This situation is baffling me as I have never taken these risks with any previous partner. We have been having unprotected sex for weeks again. I was upfront from the start that I cannot take the pill or most other hormone contraception for health reasons. We did try condoms but I am allergic to latex. He is not keen on the coil.

He asked me a few weeks ago during a frank honest chat, was I trying for a baby and I said no. But then it occurred to me to ask him the same question, since he has continued taking these risks knowing how quickly I fell pregnant before. He would not look me in the eye after I asked it and sort of mumbled "no." I even made a joke that he might be trying to trap me and he didn't respond!

Interested to hear people's views on this.

[DirectorOfBetter]

I think you need to have a very frank discussion about why you are both trying for a baby (with someone you hardly know) . Because if you're not using proper contraception, you are trying for a baby.

[butterfly133]

you want to have children. What else can it be? if you don't want children, you take precautions.

Are there any reasons why you might not want to admit to wanting children? e.g. previous partner might be upset or something - so you would rather walk around saying "It was an accident"?

are you scared of life in some way - so you want to do something that pretty much seals the way things are going to be for the next 20 years?

[Twinklestein]

I'm assuming you both had STI tests before you had unprotected sex.

You're 37 you know this may be your last chance, I understand why you're being so reckless. But why is he? Does he just prefer sex with no condom or does he want a kid too?

You need to sort this out before you try to conceive.

[Loobyloo15]

Wow I love reading the harsh replies people get on here from the mumsnet addicts and self proclaimed agony aunts online 24/7 NOT! (Fully expecting those people to take offence)
OP your obviously in the lust stage of the relationship where it's hard to say no and hard to keep your hands off each other. I've been there! It's all sex and no thought about the consequences. You really should sort some form of contraception before its too late :)

[butterfly133]

PS agree with poster upthread who asked if he understands the coil isn't for him!

[KatyPeary]

My goodness.
I hate to be blunt but I do agree with previous posters, you are being incredibly immature. What you are doing is planning a pregnancy with a man you barely know. If that is your choice then give up smoking and alcohol, take folic acid, eat well and get on with it.

But FWIW it all sounds completely ridiculous to me.
And the bit about the coil not suiting him!! What age is he???

[Jan45]

The fact he doesn't like the coil just highlights his total ignorance.

Get an implant then, there's loads of options.

[bakedappleflavour]

We were told the coil is generally only for women that have had kids already and also if you have had an ectopic pregnancy, the coil is associated with an increased risk of having another one if it fails.

I haven't had kids and I had the copper coil for over 5 years, it was great.

Yes it's more likely to be an ectopic pregnancy if it fails but to be honest the chances of that happening are extremely low, as long as you keep checking your strings are in place.

[MusicIsMedicine]

The coil has a risk of another ectopic pregnancy. He has had a partner with a coil before and he could feel it and it was uncomfortable, which is not uncommon, so he is not keen on it. Neither am I. Also I was told it is generally only for women who have already had kids. I am not keen on any contraception with which failure is associated with another ectopic pregnancy, neither is he.

To the poster who mentioned fags and booze - I don't smoke and I don't drink alcohol. I take multivitamins.

[Twinklestein]

To give him the benefit of the doubt, OP said he's 'not keen on the coil', not that it doesn't 'suit him'.

She may mean he's not keen on one for her because they're really for women who've had kids, and it's associated with an increased risk of ectopic pregnancy.

[Twinklestein]

It took a friend of mine 5 years to conceive after having had an implant. The fertility doctors decided it had messed up her hormones.

[LovelyFriend]

It sounds to me like you are both TTC and are both in denial about it.

As for him not liking the coil - seriously???? WTF does it really have to do with him especially as it sounds like one of the very few options you have - other than PG or a series of abortions or having an actual baby?

"DP" after 3ish months? really?

[Jan45]

His cock must be about a foot long then if he doesn't like it, it's in your womb fgs.

[butterfly133]

Music, I find it really interesting that you said "he isn't keen on the coil" when the real issue is that it carries the risk of another ectopic - and you have an issue with the coil as well as him, but chose only to mention him.

you sound like another couple I know who always talk about their needs and wants in terms that refer to the other person - they see themselves as such a unit together, they think the world knows that "I want" "he wants" and "she wants" are all the same sentence. Which in turn makes me think you are TTC but you are in denial about it. I would say it's vital to find out why.

[bakedappleflavour]

He has had a partner with a coil before and he could feel it and it was uncomfortable, which is not uncommon, so he is not keen on it.

Then either it was in wrong (or the strings were too long) or his penis is insanely long.

My DP could never feel mine (and he is fairly well endowed).

Pls read my above post - it's not just for women who have had kids, I haven't had kids and had it for five years with no issues whatsoever.

The risk of it failing is extremely low, way way lower than the pill or condoms, despite what you might have read on the internet.

[MusicIsMedicine]

Neither of us are keen on the coil, both of us are not keen for the reason of the ectopic pregnancy and he is also not keen due to his own specific reason of having had a bad experience with it before, which is not uncommon. I am sure it works well for some people but neither of us is keen on it.

[MusicIsMedicine]

Twinklestein that is interesting about the implant, I have heard similar stories a few times now.

[pocketsaviour]

OP you could try latex-free condoms, as already mentioned, or the sponge, or the diaphragm (although it's not widely used any more.)

As to the question of WHY you're behaving like this - none of us here can tell you, but I'd hazard a guess that it's connected to your previous loss. Perhaps both of you bought into that dream of parenthood as a surprise and when it was lost, you want to recapture that feeling of closeness to each other?

You have both in effect suffered a bereavement, and people do strange things in grief. You know logically and rationally that you shouldn't be behaving like this, but you're being driven by a deep desire to get back to that place of happiness and love and warmth. I think until you have both addressed that grief, your attitude is unlikely to change.

I hope you can work things out

[lighteningirl]

Go for it worst that can happen you'll be a single mum with a beautiful baby (easier than you think. Did it for 16 years I have two successful happy offspring the first born just over a year after we met and we had ten good years before we called time)
Best that can happen you get partner and baby and don't miss what might be your last chance. I say go with your instincts (going to hide in corner now with a flame resistant blanket)

[bakedappleflavour]

I really think you want to have a baby OP, otherwise you wouldn't be making up flimsy excuses for not wanting the coil or latex free condoms. Or you would refuse sex on your fertile days. Why not just be honest about it, that's what I don't understand? It's fine if you do?

[Jan45]

Trying for a baby with a man you barely know, good luck, Russian roulette it's called.

[MusicIsMedicine]

Thank you pocketsaviour. Very insightful.

[LadyBlaBlah]

Who has told you this information about the coil? It's actually hilarious.

I think you just want a baby.

There's nothing wrong with that.

It's just whether you want to have one with him.

It all seems very fast. You could, you know, have one next year if you still love him etc.

[MusicIsMedicine]

Doctors are the hospital told me.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception-guide/pages/iud-coil.aspx

[MusicIsMedicine]

Has anyone used this?

www.amazon.co.uk/Persona-94031-Contraception-Monitor/dp/B001DUJZUC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1435235438&sr=8-1&keywords=persona%20monitor&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21