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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm over thinking but I need to respond to this text

97 replies

AdventureBe · 21/06/2015 11:44

I came close to having an EA with a colleague many years ago. We realised a bit belatedly that we were closer than our OH's would be happy with and cut contact right back. His DW particularly was a bit suspicious, probably rightly so.

We don't work together now and only see each other during the football season, never alone. I still count him as a good friend and will occasionally text with news in between times, but always one off short messages, never long ping pong conversations (anymore). i.e yippee I got the job or DS1 was picked for the team.

When writing my messages I check with myself that there's nothing he couldn't show his wife, which shouldn't be necessary but it once was.

Anyway he's text today to wish me a Happy Birthday. Quite a long gushy message but nothing overly personal. My automatic response is to text back "X" and leave it at that. A bit friendlier than a curt "thanks" but doesn't start a conversation.

But what would his wife think if she saw a text message that is a single X, from a old suspected OW?

I can't not respond. He'd worry that I was dead and that wouldn't be fair.

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 21/06/2015 19:31

He isn't "still a good friend". He was/is an OM.

MuttonCadet · 21/06/2015 19:34

Lol, he won't give a crap. You didn't fall into bed with him. What? You think you're star crossed lovers?

Give us a (and yourself) a break.

Ignore him, like you should have done in the first place.

Original poster

AdventureBe · 21/06/2015 20:12

Really, 4 pages of telling me what a terrible person I am?

I was over thinking. DH was out with DC this morning and I was home alone (and supposed to be studying) when text, which I wasn't expecting or looking for arrived. So I posted some stuff which fleetingly crossed my mind, on MN to pass the time and procrastinate on the studying thing.

He's barely crossed my mind in the weeks since I saw him last.

We are friends and we do that pretty well, considering how things could have gone, but that was a vey long time ago and we are both very clear that it isn't and never was what we wanted. We were drifting towards it, maybe after being in some very stressful close working environments but we stopped it. I haven't been in his company for more than a couple of hours in 5 years and we haven't been alone together at all since I left the company. We've had maybe 5 2 min phone conversations (about arrangements for DC) and text less than monthly in that time.

The only reason I was considering my response was that I didn't want to cause his wife any concern. She has absolutely no need to be concerned though.

And of course I've shown DH. That was when I realised I needed to stop things - when I started "forgetting" to tell DH when he'd called or we'd had coffee. I haven't had any contact with "OM" in 5 years, that I haven't told DH all about.

OP posts:

BreadmakerFan · 21/06/2015 20:15

You type like you think you have something that would concern the wife, like she'd give two hoots about you when she finds out her husband was sniffing around another woman.

Original poster

AdventureBe · 21/06/2015 20:22

He's not sniffing around though Breadmaker and even when there might have been "something" he was never inappropriate, always the perfect gent. That's why it took so long for us to realise we were getting too close emotionally.

You lot have obviously all made up your minds about a couple of people you've never met, but this is one of the decent ones. Once we did realise, we changed things immediately, despite really missing each other's friendship and particularly, mutual support in a very stressful working environment to being with. As I said, he rarely crosses my mind these days

OP posts:

MuttonCadet · 21/06/2015 20:23

You're a drama queen, it's 4 pages of telling you to respond with nothing, but you can't can you?

RepeatAdNauseum · 21/06/2015 20:40

You can't be friends.

That's why there is four pages telling you that you're unreasonable. You both are. You cannot be friends with someone that you had an EA with.

His wife will always be upset by you. She will not understand why you are still in his life. You shouldn't be, and he shouldn't be in yours. You may have built better defences now, you might not think about him, but once upon a time you meant more to each other, and the punishment for the affair that you almost had is not being able to be friends. You lose that support as a consequence of not putting up the boundaries early enough, for not stopping it straight away.

It's not about being a horrible person. It's about making the right decisions. You may have told your DH about the text, but it's unlikely that he's told his wife, and even if she read and approved the text before he sent it, the way you initially reacted shows that this doesn't work. Your head cannot understand it. And he can't send you a "normal" Happy Birthday text without gushing about you.

Neither of you are doing the right thing. One of you has too, because otherwise you are lying to yourselves, to each other, to your partners...to everyone. And nothing stays hidden, ever. It all comes out in the wash, even if it's years and years later.

Wideopenspace · 21/06/2015 20:44

There aren't really any posts here saying you are a terrible person OP - just lots of posts saying sending a kiss is inadvisable...

ALaughAMinute · 21/06/2015 21:14

If you weren't still carrying a torch for him you wouldn't give the text a second thought. Be careful.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 21/06/2015 21:42

But the fact he/you need approval of messages shows how fucked up it all is. Neither of you need each other. I'll honestly say I wouldn't be happy if my DP was still in touch with someone he had an ea with 5 years on

Duckdeamon · 21/06/2015 22:56

Yeah, right, you can be friends with people you have EAs with, maybe get a buzz off having stepped back from the brink of giving into the attraction

Hissy · 21/06/2015 23:11

Drama junkie! Absolutely!

The drama of the EA, the steeling yourselves and taking the magnanimous decision to walk away, thinking about the other halves in the situation...

You are teetering about pontificating if you send a x to his "gushy" text?

But you done give him a second thought. You are kidding yourself.

People who have EAs and physical ones get a rush from the drama, the illicit nature of the whole situation.

You still crave this, and you come on here hoping someone will tell you what you did was ok.

It's not. Never was, never will be. Does your dh know about the EA?

winkywinkola · 21/06/2015 23:55

So very noble to have stepped back from the brink. Still noble but can't resist the occasional contact.

Belt up and wind your neck in. You sound about 13.

Melonfool · 22/06/2015 00:35

Why do you make arrangements with him ref sc?

Melonfool · 22/06/2015 00:36

*DC!

Isetan · 22/06/2015 08:00

Whatever you write (however innocuous) isn't the issue here, it's that you are still in contact with someone you 'almost' had an EA with. If its something that you seriously think isn't a big deal, why don't you run it past your OH and see how he feels about it.

Almost OM, sending you a text is a 'he's still thinking about me' ego stroke and if he was 'just a friend' and nothing that your OH would object to, you wouldn't be overthinking it to this degree.

If your OH was still in contact with an 'almost' OW, I'm guessing you'd be pretty annoyed and hurt.

Janette123 · 22/06/2015 08:00

AdventureB,
You are playing with fire here.

By your own admission you came close to a EA. Don't go down that road again.

Don't respond, block and delete.

You owe him nothing, you owe your marriage everything.

Offred · 22/06/2015 08:18

I don't get this either and think you forfeit the 'friendship' when you've had an EA. I agree you should not respond and should block. A gushy birthday text from an ex is highly inappropriate and if your boundaries were where they should be this would have annoyed you not flustered you IMO.

Offred · 22/06/2015 08:19

How much of a friendship is there with someone who you have so little contact with anyway?! It's not a friendship, you are inappropriately emotionally involved, not friends...

NorahDentressangle · 22/06/2015 08:34

Well, you drip fed.

I thought the ea had been quite recent for you to post about it.

NerrSnerr · 22/06/2015 09:26

You wouldn't have written the post if it wasn't an issue. He has too much of your headspace.

shovetheholly · 22/06/2015 09:48

OP, I'm not going to give you a hard time about this. I think you know what you did was wrong, and I think you pulled back. But you sound a bit bored with home life. And I would urge you to look into that and figure out what changes you can make. So many women go into an EA because of a lack of confidence and opportunity to realise their own ambitions and dreams, which feels better and more satisfying than any affair could. Real validation has to come from inside you, not from someone outside.

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