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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If this a affair / start of affair

92 replies

Rainbowsky123 · 15/06/2015 15:07

Oh crap, where to begin?

My heart is pounding so this maybe a little jumbled.

H got a hand me down iphone two weeks ago. He has synced his phone to his iPad as it pings every time I message him.

He has always been open with his phone and so have I. We both have the same pincodes and we often ask each other to reply to each other's texts if we are busy.

His iPad was left on the desk from last night on the little case stand upright. I have just been at the pc and a message pinged up and lit up the screen and it read "start thinking of excuses now ready for Friday I really want to see you"
The message disappeared off the screen so I unlocked the iPad and there is messages, stream off messages off a woman starting the time he goes to work until he gets back home.
They are not overly inappropriate but full of sweethearts off him and Huns from her. But overly friendly than I am comfortable with.
And they start and end with can text now, then can't text back home now.

What the hell do I do? I need answers as these are red flags aren't they?

I could just sit and watch it unfold as I can see both sides of the conversation BUT I don't have time on my side, we are moving house soon exchanged contracts on sale and purchase. We go in a month, I can not do this without him due to mortgage I am well short of cash as we are moving to a bigger house.

As far as I am aware he has not cheated before but there was a incident of some kind about 7/8 years ago when he was meeting a female colleague behind my back, told me he was meeting a friend for a game of pool. Left his facebook page open on the messages the day before the meet and I put a stop to whatever it was before it happened.

Any words of wisdom ladies? I handled it so wrong last time and I can't do that again. He lied and I found out nothing at all. I can't go there again as it took a long time to get that trust back.

OP posts:
Baies · 15/06/2015 18:42

What does that mean?

Baies · 15/06/2015 18:43

Unless we have to assume that AFs sole purpose in life is to be permanently glued to the Relationships board?

Her advice is rubbish anyway Wink

Vivacia · 15/06/2015 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnyFucker · 15/06/2015 18:59

I have been out shopping for my holidays.

As you were, everybody Smile

Except you, Baies you can have a word with yourself Wink

AnyFucker · 15/06/2015 19:05

OP, I am very sorry this is happening to you again. Relationship over, surely ?
You need your Big Girl pants on now.

If this a affair / start of affair
Baies · 15/06/2015 19:05

Heh heh

Anyway OP, hope it works out OK for you. I personally wouldn't be able to play some sort of long game and I'd pull out of the house move leaving him to pick up any financial penalties but I'm not sure how feasible that is for you

IreallyKNOWiamright · 15/06/2015 19:14

it doesn't sound good, but my husband also had an 'overly' friendly voicemail that I came a cross yesterday. Unfortunately, there are women that don't take no for an answer these days. But I was cross how the colleague said ' my phone has been turned off, call me and we can talk' she didn't state what about, and phoned him several times after hours to get hold of him - I have told him to watch her despite her being in her 50's. And I noticed in his call log he hasn't responded to her. Which I am relieved.
However, your husband has responded to this woman. Your husband has to put a stop to it and he has a choice, to respect you and ignore this lady.
I think you need to collect some more evidence and get screenshots as people have mentioned on here before, before going to a solicitor. Solicitors are expensive, and you need all the evidence you can get to make the most of the free half hour appointment, and if it goes over the free half hour they will charge.

pocketsaviour · 15/06/2015 19:16

AF That photo is everything.

OP I would suggest speaking to a solicitor as soon as you can to understand your legal position with regards to the house move. Your current house would be considered a marital asset, however if it is more affordable - which sounds the case - it would be advisable to stay in it unless you have paid an extremely large deposit on the new one (and assuming you're not going to "try to make this work" for the second time.) Assuming you are the primary carer and not your DH, it's unlikely he would have a large claim on your house.

But IANAL so get some legal advice as soon as you can.

AlpacaMyBags · 15/06/2015 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Rainbowsky123 · 15/06/2015 20:47

My friend has been round, she said the messages are not iMessages just normal texts, so every text he receives or sends will come through.

Meanwhile he has text her to say he will be meeting her Friday for a hour.
i will see what excuse he makes and my friend has said we can go there to confront/ get evidence or whatever I want.

On the practical side, she thinks I should continue with the sale of the house but not the purchase as I can't due to money. The house is being bought through a developer so it won't be letting a family down. I will loose 10% but that has been paid. Go through with the sale as planned.
She thinks I can pull out on the purchase up until the day so I techincall if she is correct have a bit of time to gather evidence and my thoughts.
The intent is there on his side

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 15/06/2015 21:04

If you have exchanged signed contracts on the purchase of the 'bigger house' do please solicit advice on the legal board tonight because it is highly unlikely that you will be able to pull out without risk of incurring financial penalties over and above the 10% deposit you have put down and you should, of course, seek confirmation from your solicitor/conveyancer.

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith · 15/06/2015 21:29

Yes you absolutely must consult a solicitor about pulling out. You need to protect yourself financially as much as you can now.

I hope you can hold it together for a few day more! You owe it to yourself and your DC. I know its hard but you have to think of yourself and your DC, obviously he isnt, he's only thinking of himself.

Good luck.

PeppermintPasty · 15/06/2015 21:54

Bloody Nora op, please please speak to your solicitor before you do anything rash. I'm a conveyancing solicitor, and if you pull out the day before, or indeed any day after exchanging contracts, you could face a very large bill indeed. It will not just be limited to the deposit, there will be other amounts to take into consideration. Your solicitor will go through it with you.

Plus, if you withdraw the day before, you might even invite aggravated damages against you, ie for pulling out unnecessarily close to completion. You must get advice on this.

BreadmakerFan · 15/06/2015 21:59

Your friend is talking bollocks about the house!

DragonsCanHop · 15/06/2015 22:06

Get hold of his iPhone and turn locations on, it will show you where he has been. If you can't get hold of his use yours or a friends on Friday with locations switched on and hide it in his car.

NameChange30 · 15/06/2015 22:17

Definitely get advice from a solicitor about the house move! She might mean well but I think she's wrong. I would also be very reluctant to sell a house without buying one - surely you would be making yourself homeless?! Which is fine if you have somewhere else to live (with your parents maybe? Did you say they're near DCs new school?) but if you don't I guess it would be very stressful.
Good luck OP and don't let this cheat make a fool out of you any more.

Penfold007 · 15/06/2015 22:31

Oh dear he's checked out of your relationship, you need legal advice urgently.

SlightlyJaded · 15/06/2015 22:47

A word of warning for as and when you do confront him:

The 'meeting her for an hour' thing...

He's going to tell you that he was just meeting her to tell her that it couldn't go any further. It is far more likely that he is meeting her to see if he wants to peruse it.

If you don't want to start something with someone, you certainly don't need to meet them to tell them. If there was no chemistry/attraction/intent - you frankly, couldn't be arsed.

You sounds as though you are being very clear headed in a shitty situation. I wish you well OP.

ilovelamp82 · 16/06/2015 00:23

Why are some men just so weak? I'm sorry this is happening to you.

i don't understand how these men can't have the foresight to realise the consequences on their wife and children.and themselves over some flirty married woman they.bumped into on a course.

jabbsy · 16/06/2015 01:03

When/if he comes out with an excuse, just reply with 'wow, could you not have been a little more imaginative than that bull shit'

Say nothing more... he will panic and start talking too much.

Original poster
Rainbowsky123 · 16/06/2015 09:56

Oh thank you for the advise I will contact my solicitor as soon as he leaves for work.

I went to get a drink in the night and his phone was on the side so I had a look and there were the missing messages. With her name on the contact. Much of the same just chatting about each other's day.

He's doing this in the open and I can't get my head round that. If he's not hiding it then of course he can say I'm mad and they are just friends.

OP posts:
Marmaladybird · 16/06/2015 10:23

Get legal advice, OP. It all sounds very dodgy. Leaving your phone in the car with locations switched on is a really good idea - I'd never have thought of that.

Feelingsad111 · 16/06/2015 14:55

How does this location thing work with your phone?? I'm intrigued??

Fearless91 · 16/06/2015 17:40

Feelingsad - if the OP puts her phone in his car and then later on does a 'find my iPhone' it'll tell her exactly where her phone is. So because it'll be in his car, she will know where he is.

If you don't have an iPhone, basically a 'find my iPhone' is where you use another Apple phone to track down the location of your own phone. Handy to use if it's lost or stolen!

GaryBaldy · 16/06/2015 18:17

Feelingsad you can also go into the settings and it will give you a list of frequently visited locations.

Just looked at mine and it shows home / Mums / friends / work / shops etc along with dates and times.