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Original poster

If this a affair / start of affair

92 replies

Rainbowsky123 · 15/06/2015 15:07

Oh crap, where to begin?

My heart is pounding so this maybe a little jumbled.

H got a hand me down iphone two weeks ago. He has synced his phone to his iPad as it pings every time I message him.

He has always been open with his phone and so have I. We both have the same pincodes and we often ask each other to reply to each other's texts if we are busy.

His iPad was left on the desk from last night on the little case stand upright. I have just been at the pc and a message pinged up and lit up the screen and it read "start thinking of excuses now ready for Friday I really want to see you"
The message disappeared off the screen so I unlocked the iPad and there is messages, stream off messages off a woman starting the time he goes to work until he gets back home.
They are not overly inappropriate but full of sweethearts off him and Huns from her. But overly friendly than I am comfortable with.
And they start and end with can text now, then can't text back home now.

What the hell do I do? I need answers as these are red flags aren't they?

I could just sit and watch it unfold as I can see both sides of the conversation BUT I don't have time on my side, we are moving house soon exchanged contracts on sale and purchase. We go in a month, I can not do this without him due to mortgage I am well short of cash as we are moving to a bigger house.

As far as I am aware he has not cheated before but there was a incident of some kind about 7/8 years ago when he was meeting a female colleague behind my back, told me he was meeting a friend for a game of pool. Left his facebook page open on the messages the day before the meet and I put a stop to whatever it was before it happened.

Any words of wisdom ladies? I handled it so wrong last time and I can't do that again. He lied and I found out nothing at all. I can't go there again as it took a long time to get that trust back.

OP posts:
Inexperiencedchick · 15/06/2015 16:22

Have you sold the house you are in now?

magoria · 15/06/2015 16:22

Is it worth considering how much you will lose pulling out v how much you will lose going through with it then maybe divorcing and having to sell?

PeppermintPasty · 15/06/2015 16:23

I'm sorry to bang on, but have you actually exchanged contracts? You say "Exchanged. Not signed...", but you cannot exchange unless you have signed the contract, or someone authorised by you has signed the contract.

JaniceJoplin · 15/06/2015 16:24

There is a download called Decipher text messages that allows you to view all texts on his phone, including deleted ones, accurate to the last back up of his phone on iTunes. It costs a little bit about £15 but it may give you more evidence immediately if you are not sure you have enough to make a decision. It works on a PC you don't need his phone to do it, just to be on the PC where he uses iTunes.

If you can access iCloud I think you may be able to do the same.

itwillgetbettersoon · 15/06/2015 16:25

If you move into the big house it am doesn't guarantee that you get to stay there if you separate. If the house is too expensive then you will be advised to sell it. So don't let that sway your decision. Financial decisions are all done in need now. He will not be expected to pay a mortgage on a huge house if he isn't living there. You need to decide what you want from him and also this is your life. You can make decisions too. If you don't trust him it is very difficult to regain that trust. Have you spoken to the estate agent to see where you are in the buying process?

Jenoftheweek · 15/06/2015 16:38

This sounds more than a bit shit, sorry OP.
I would do as a previous poster suggested and call your solicitor regarding the house sale/ purchase. Find out pros and cons regarding cancelling the move.
Then I would consider what the hell he is up to. If I were you I would need to know his intentions. It is just as bad that he wants to have an affair as actually having it. So my reasoning is let him off, give him the rope, let him make his excuse and see what happens. But, you need to know what he does. How will you do this? Arrange childcare, pretend to visit family and follow him? Get a friend to help?
Good luck, OP.

noddyholder · 15/06/2015 16:39

Did you do anything to safeguard your investment in the new house wrt percentages and shares etc If you haven't exchanged yet (you need to check) then would be better to keep your house

JugglingLife · 15/06/2015 16:45

Pepper, Rainbow said earlier they are already exchanged and legally binding. Can you ring your solicitor right now rainbow, before he gets home?

BreadmakerFan · 15/06/2015 16:50

I would prioritise finding out exactly where you are in the house purchase and getting legal advice to make sure make the right decision make him pay as much as possible.

twistletonsmythe · 15/06/2015 16:53

regardless of the old house being in your name - you are married so it would be an asset

Original poster
Rainbowsky123 · 15/06/2015 16:55

Sorry my last post was confusing. We have exchanged and signed the contracts. When I posed exchanged not signed I was referring to my mistake of using the term signed when I should of said exchanged.

Whoever the poster was who suggested looking at the phone I can't thank you enough. Whilst there isn't a load of evidence it has become clearer who she is.

A few weeks back he had a two week refresher course to do with his work. Not at his work but quite local to us. He works in a male environment but females can do this job but not very often. The first texts refer to the training.

Then she mentions how much she likes him, and he basically fobbed her off saying too bad but we're married. She is married too. She goes on to say well we are soul mates and we must stay friends.

At the end of the 2 week training they met up for drinks with other people off the course.

There is not very many messages on here they start a week into the course and finish when he got his new phone. Apart from what I've put above there is nothing really incriminating.

I seem to be missing some of the messages off the iPad. iMessage between myself and him go back to the day he had the phone and the ones too her only date back a few days when there constantly texting. Wtf is going on there.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 15/06/2015 16:56

Although they may have been exchanged, if the contracts haven't yet been signed they're not legally binding and establishing the exact state of play should be your first priority.

JugglingLife · 15/06/2015 16:56

He's deleting them probably. Is that possible?

FelicityGubbins · 15/06/2015 17:01

I would text her and tell her to fuck off or else her messages to you should Will be forwarded onto her dh, see how soulmatey she feels about him then...

FelicityGubbins · 15/06/2015 17:02

*to your dh

Hobby2014 · 15/06/2015 17:06

Sorry this is happening to you OP.
No advice about the house move, except don't do it.
I'd screenshot everything you have and do some more digging if you can. Can you access his phone easy enough whilst he showers for example ? See if you can see the missing messages on his phone?
Gather all evidence you can then confront. Wait til Friday if you can and if an excuse appears I'd confront at that point or find my iPhone him and then confront when home.
So sorry op Thanks

goddessofsmallthings · 15/06/2015 17:15

Cross posted.

The early texts indicate that the ow made the running and, initially at least, he acted appropriately in fobbing her off but, from the texts which have been exchanged since the course finished, it seems that his ego has enjoyed her attentions to the extent that he's now contemplating taking advantage of what is being put on a plate for him.

As I don't get the feeling that he's mentally 'into' her, it should be relatively easy to administer the short sharp shock he needs to forestall him getting physically into her.

Ultimately only you can decide whether you're prepared to stay married to a weak man whose ego is such that he's susceptible to flattery from any female who's up for a spot of adultery.

StonedGalah · 15/06/2015 17:15

I second not moving. Lose some money now, it will be a lot more once (if) you divorce and then have to sell not to mention be a nightmare to do.

JessiePinkman · 15/06/2015 17:17

Maybe he's deleting the more incriminating ones. It's odd that he's do open with his phone yet doing this...just playing devils advocate, maybe she's aggressively persuing him & he's flattered by it but not acting on it?? You really need to find out what's happening I would have it out asap Flowers

goddessofsmallthings · 15/06/2015 17:17

I like Felicity Gubbins suggestion and should you decide to act on it, there's no time like the present Smile

BBQsAreSooooOverrated · 15/06/2015 17:50

Hopefully he won't actually decide to meet her and he was 'only' enjoying the attention.

twistletonsmythe · 15/06/2015 17:55

but even if he doesn't meet her - the intention was there. Isn't that already a terrible betrayal?

BuzzardBird · 15/06/2015 18:00

I get the impression that he genuinely isn't going to think he has done anything wrong. I think he would have made more effort to not be found out.

Original poster
Rainbowsky123 · 15/06/2015 18:18

If it had not flashed up in front of my eyes on his iPad he would not of been found out.

My friend is coming round shortly she's got a sensible head and can help me with the practical things.

He is working this week until 10:30 pm so how he is going to meet her I don't know.

The DC has moved into my parents as the move is not a million miles away but far enough. A place came up in a great school so my dc started after half term.

OP posts:
ChopinLiszt · 15/06/2015 18:35

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