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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This isn't ok is it?

81 replies

RaisingMen · 14/06/2015 10:36

Please tell me if I'm overreacting here.

I used my husbands facebook last night on his phone to look at something a mutual friend had posted. My phone was in charge, husband happy for me to use his. I go to the 'search' bar and it brings up his most recent searches. Husband is a bit rubbish with technology, doesn't really know how to work FB, doesn't use it much etc. There are only about 10 searches in the past year, but five of them are for a female ive never heard of, and two variations of the spelling of her first name. Three of these searches were made yesterday, the other two a month or so ago.

I ask him who she is, he lied and said he doesn't know and he hasn't searched for her. When I show him the searches in black and white, he then says its a girl who lives in a different part of the country who he speaks to all the time through work.

He hasn't 'found' her on FB, so I assume she isn't a user, but these searches have taken place when he's been at home on a weekend, so it's not even like he's spoken to her at work and then thought 'ooh, I'll have a look and see if she's on facebook'.

We have a five year old and a three week old, and I feel sick to my stomach. He has no previous form for this, he is an incredible dad and husband usually and he is, and always has been, dead against cheating. We've been together for ten years.

This isn't just an innocent facebook search is it? He said he lied because he thought id be pissed off (even writing that is making me laugh at how cliche it is). Am I wrong to feel uncomfortable about this? Am I overreacting to what he claims is just an innocent look on facebook?

OP posts:

FeijoaSundae · 15/06/2015 19:43

I'm so sorry.

Does he know you've seen them?

FeijoaSundae · 15/06/2015 19:44

Except...

If he's been emailing her frequently, how come he doesn't know how to spell her name when searching for her on FB?

Original poster

RaisingMen · 15/06/2015 19:48

Thank you.

Her name is one that can be shortened, so he's searched her full name and then the shortened versions. I've forwarded the emails, mumsnet has taught me that much, and ive got screenshots.

They haven't met, they only speak on the phone and via email, she works for a supplier they use. There was no intention anywhere to meet as far as I can see, just flirty/suggestive emails and one that completely crosses the line. They've asked for pictures of each other but haven't been sent over works email which is I suppose where the facebook searches came in. They start from January last year right up until Christmas time then they stop abruptly. I don't think that he's just deleted them so that I can't read them since then, because in one work related email from March this year she does ask how he is and say she hasn't spoken to him for ages. I also know his company no longer use her company as a supplier.

I don't know what to do next. He says it was a flirtation that got out of hand and there was never any intention of it going further but I don't think I can trust him anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

RaisingMen · 15/06/2015 19:51

Yes he knows. I waited until he went to work today and sent him the screenshots of the worst emails.

OP posts:

HeresMyBrightIdea · 15/06/2015 19:54

I'm so sorry OP. I really am.

Can you ask him to leave for a bit? It's often said, but it really does help you both - you'll feel better without him hanging around, because you'll have emotional space, and he'll get a sharp shock that puts things into perspective for him.

He's shown you no respect by behaving like this, so he owes you some now. I can't believe he had the cheek to offer his iPad as if he was totally innocent and had nothing to prove, but he hadn't been clever enough to make sure the emails were gone...

Do they text, or is this purely an email thing? Not that it matters, because he clearly intended to move it up a level by adding her on Facebook.

If it was me, I'd ask him to go for tonight, and tell him you'll be in touch tomorrow evening if you feel like it. Tell him you need time and space and that if he hounds you or refuses to go, you are done. Then when he's gone, look after yourself first and foremost. Let yourself respond however you need too, whether that's anger or crying. Once you've got the emotion out, you'll be able to think more clearly.

When you do feel like speaking to him, arrange to meet him somewhere and ask him to tell you the whole truth if he wants any chance of moving past this. You'll probably find he's more open then, because some nights on his own, left to think about what he's done, will focus the mind.

BathtimeFunkster · 15/06/2015 19:56

You can't trust him.

He lied to your face yesterday.

You only know about this particular "flirtation that got out of hand" because you caught him out.

He clearly thinks carrying on "flirtations" is totally fine when you're married and your wife is pregnant.

And she's obviously still on his mind if he's trying to hook up with her on Facebook.

While he has a 3 week old baby at home.

What a prick.

Original poster

RaisingMen · 15/06/2015 20:00

My thoughts exactly bathtime. Last year was horrendous for me, I had three miscarriages before my successful pregnancy, I found out I was pregnant the first time in January last year, around the same time as the first email I found.

I want him to leave, but from a selfish point of view im scared I won't be able to cope without his help getting our oldest child to school in the morning, help with the night feeds etc. I know that sounds pathetic. Our baby is three weeks old for fucks sake.

OP posts:

BathtimeFunkster · 15/06/2015 20:02

Is there anyone else who can help?

I would happily help any of my Mum friends get their kid to school when they had a newborn, even if they weren't having a marriage crisis.

BathtimeFunkster · 15/06/2015 20:03

Oh and sorry to hear about your shit year last year

I guess things were starting to really look up? :(

Original poster

RaisingMen · 15/06/2015 20:04

I suppose so, I could ask at least.

OP posts:

FeijoaSundae · 15/06/2015 21:02

I'm so sorry, and agree with Bath that he's a proficient liar, who will cover his tracks to minimize any which way he can. You can't trust him at all.

Honestly, the best thing you can possibly do is ask him to leave. If, ultimately, you feel you can work through this, asking him to leave now is the best thing to do. Letting him hang around is a recipe for disaster all round, his respect for you will erode (further than it already has), and it will be the beginning of the end.

You need space to decide what's best for you.

Snow1 · 15/06/2015 21:53

Don't get me wrong, and I don't know all the facts. However in his "defense":

He seems to have cut off things from December. This doesn't seem to be a result of you finding out, him deleting newer emails etc - so is him potentially realizing where things got to and him cutting it off. A good sign? Does December have anything to do with him finding out about the baby or anything similar?

Obviously the actions before are wrong, and it depends on what you want to do about them, but it certainly seems like he realised before doing anything physical and stopped the emotional side by himself to? Which is much better than the many examples who only "stop" after they have been caught.

From what you have said I don't think he's the liar some people here are making out, particularly when he has admitted what it was to you (and that seems backed up by the evidence). That said I wasn't there and don't know if it took lots of lies first to come out.

Another aside, it would be less likely he has deleted the more recent emails but left the old ones, since people would be more likely to forget further into an affair - they tend to be a lot more careful at the start.

Hope things work out for you, whatever happens. Good luck.

Original poster

RaisingMen · 15/06/2015 23:18

Thank you snow, it's good to hear a different view on it. We had our second scan in December and found out we were having a girl, that's the only thing I can think of.

I've asked him to stay away for a few nights, my dad is helping with the morning school run, so hopefully some space will make things clearer.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/06/2015 23:33

OP, just a word of warning for you

Just because the emails finished doesn't mean they didn't switch to another form of communication. Sharing photographs is much more easily (and less traceably) done on free apps like Kik and Whatsapp etc

Snow1 · 16/06/2015 18:25

That's perhaps more promising - it doesn't seem it was for the children then if there wasn't anything around then. So perhaps for you (unless she broke it off for some reason instead, you have seen the messages and may have an idea of what is more likely).

AnyFucker: certainly an option, but why would she have sent the email later about them not having talked in a while? To me the signs seem to say he got into an EA, but it got stopped around December. Then if the search on facebook was recent it either would indicate him being curious what she was up to, or perhaps wanting to start it again. I would suspect the curious side of things more, because if he wanted to start it again then it would have been easier just emailing her as he did before.

FeijoaSundae · 16/06/2015 19:23

How are you doing OP? I hope he's giving you the space you've asked for.

bellathebluebell · 16/06/2015 19:38

Crikey, I search for random people all the time; people I've worked with, people I went to school with, blokes I went out with, etc. etc. I am very nosy! Seriously hope DH doesn't start checking up on me....

FeijoaSundae · 16/06/2015 19:45

Read the thread...

Original poster

RaisingMen · 16/06/2015 22:21

He is, he text a few times today but that's all. He left his iPad here, it's linked to his phone and it doesn't look like he's ever downloaded whatsapp or kik - there's no little cloud if I search in the App Store, I think that usually shows when an app has been downloaded and then deleted? I've switched it off now anyway I don't want to keep searching things - im not that type of person and I can see it driving me mad.

Is it an EA? It feels like it to me, although there were no deep and meaningful conversations just blatant flirting/innuendos. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow I think, or Thursday, I just don't know what to say. Is it ridiculous to end a marriage that had no other problems because my husband sent flirty emails last year to someone he hasn't met and then searched for her on social media? Should I try and work through it? I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:

PoundingTheStreets · 16/06/2015 22:50

Slow down a little bit and give yourself time to breathe. You're only three weeks post birth.

Don't go making any life-changing decisions when you're in a period of such emotional and physical upheaval. Consider this period of time where you've just found out and confronted him to be 'research time' where you do some evaluation of what's going on and make up your mind.

You need to act, not react. What do you want?

If you want the happy marriage, you need to work out whether that's possible and if so what you can do (with your H) to make sure you achieve that. This would necessarily include him being willing to take responsibility for his behaviour and ensuring it doesn't happen again. Relationship counselling may help.

If you want to end things, do so from a point of safety, where you have had time to plan your exit and prepare financially, etc. If you left your DH it wouldn't be because of some flirty emails. It would be because of a fatal breakdown in trust, which is more than good enough a reason to end things.

You don't have to have all the answers today.

Original poster

RaisingMen · 16/06/2015 23:02

Thanks pounding, you're absolutely right. I need some time.

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 16/06/2015 23:47

Sorry to read your update OP. Sure pocketsaviour will be along soon to apologise for harsh posts too.

enviro300 · 17/06/2015 15:06

Sorry OP. Not much useful advice, just thinking of you

bobbywash · 17/06/2015 17:34

Blimey

This is reading like a slightly different version of the sordid affair thread.

Jux · 17/06/2015 17:57

I have looked up all sorts of people on Google, FB, LinkedIn, FriendsReunited and anything else which might occur to me, all sorts of spellings, and numerous times if I don't find someone straightaway. I'm not really interested in them, and certainly don't want to get back in touch with any of them.

I do, probably once a year, try to find one particular ex. I might do 3, maybe 4 searches for him and then forget about him again. My dh doesn't know because by the time I see him afterwards, I'll have forgotten about it. If I did tell dh, he would assume I'd found him, or why bother mentioning it?

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