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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This isn't ok is it?

81 replies

RaisingMen · 14/06/2015 10:36

Please tell me if I'm overreacting here.

I used my husbands facebook last night on his phone to look at something a mutual friend had posted. My phone was in charge, husband happy for me to use his. I go to the 'search' bar and it brings up his most recent searches. Husband is a bit rubbish with technology, doesn't really know how to work FB, doesn't use it much etc. There are only about 10 searches in the past year, but five of them are for a female ive never heard of, and two variations of the spelling of her first name. Three of these searches were made yesterday, the other two a month or so ago.

I ask him who she is, he lied and said he doesn't know and he hasn't searched for her. When I show him the searches in black and white, he then says its a girl who lives in a different part of the country who he speaks to all the time through work.

He hasn't 'found' her on FB, so I assume she isn't a user, but these searches have taken place when he's been at home on a weekend, so it's not even like he's spoken to her at work and then thought 'ooh, I'll have a look and see if she's on facebook'.

We have a five year old and a three week old, and I feel sick to my stomach. He has no previous form for this, he is an incredible dad and husband usually and he is, and always has been, dead against cheating. We've been together for ten years.

This isn't just an innocent facebook search is it? He said he lied because he thought id be pissed off (even writing that is making me laugh at how cliche it is). Am I wrong to feel uncomfortable about this? Am I overreacting to what he claims is just an innocent look on facebook?

OP posts:
Original poster
RaisingMen · 14/06/2015 12:04

He did, he got it out his work bag and told me to look. I don't think I want to go down that road though, it seems like it's taking this to a whole new level of that makes sense?

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 14/06/2015 12:07

Nobody said you were snooping. I said you were policing his friend interactions, which is what you're trying to do. You don't get to decide who he is friends with. End of story.

Original poster
RaisingMen · 14/06/2015 12:09

I don't think I'm naturally suspicious, but I do think I feel a bit vulnerable so soon after having a baby. I don't feel confident at the moment. I can completely understand why he searched for her, ive looked up people before for no reason other than curiosity, to put a face to the voice but I don't know why he lied.

OP posts:
Lilypad15 · 14/06/2015 12:09

To be honest I don't think you have anything to worry about. He freely gave you his phone. I've been cheated on and I promise you now, a cheat wouldn't let you within 10 feet of their phone. He's probably just been curious about this woman so gone to have a look at her Facebook page, I'll admit I've had a stalk of people's Facebook pages before, not because there's anything going on but because I've been being nosey. Granted he shouldn't have lied to you about searching for her, he's not done himself any favours there, but really, I don't think there's anything untoward going on. Also personally I wouldn't start going to through his emails, it's not necessary.

hotlikeme · 14/06/2015 12:10

I'd be annoyed that he lied but I don't think there is anything worrying about looking her up. I often search for old friends and exes to at times but only out of curiosity not because I have any desire to be in touch. I'm sure it feels worse because you so recently gave birth and your hormones will be all over the place but unless you have other reasons to suspect him then I would try to let it go.

Original poster
RaisingMen · 14/06/2015 12:11

I don't think I've ever said I want to choose who he's friends with? He has all his ex's on Facebook, as do I. No issue. We don't tell each other who we can and can't talk to, or who we can be friends with which is why I don't understand why he lied to me. I'm sorry if I'm not making it clear, my issue is that there is a lot of searches for one person in a short space of time, and the big one - he lied when I asked who it was.

OP posts:
HeresMyBrightIdea · 14/06/2015 12:12

I would imagine that there's nothing on the iPad, then.

I feel a bit for your husband. Do you think you could start a conversation about how insecure you are feeling? And that it was the frequency of searches that has bothered you?

I do agree with Pocket, it's not about snooping at all, he let you use his Facebook and the searches are clearly visible there. To a certain extent, though, you are trying to control who he thinks about and tries to be friends with. You'll never succeed at that, he'll just rebel and get more secretive. That's perhaps not an issue for today, though...

Tell him that you feel insecure. Tell him the number of times that he'd searched for her upset you, and that the lie made it seem much more suspicious. You need to talk and try and heal the cracks now, or you are both going to feel wounded.

HeresMyBrightIdea · 14/06/2015 12:13

Cross posts. You've answered some of what I said, but I think the majority still stands!

Original poster
RaisingMen · 14/06/2015 12:13

Thanks everyone, I do see how silly it sounds and I haven't looked at his work emails. I'm annoyed he lied, but maybe he felt a bit silly like PP have said. And yes, hormones are more than likely playing a part!

OP posts:
Original poster
RaisingMen · 14/06/2015 12:18

Thank you HeresMyBrightIdea, I will speak to him.

OP posts:
dominogocatgo · 14/06/2015 12:20

How do you tell when, and how many times, a name has been searched for ?

Original poster
RaisingMen · 14/06/2015 12:23

It tells you your recent searches when you go to the search button, and it will list them so for example when I looked, it had 'Yesterday' as the header and then three searches for this person. It lists them each time you search that person and tells you the date you searched. I think it's quite a new feature, I only noticed it on mine a month or so ago.

OP posts:
IreallyKNOWiamright · 14/06/2015 12:36

he has an obsession with her by the sounds of it. It might be they get on really well and he has developed a crush that is getting out of hand?? I would not be happy with my dh looking for female colleague like this. But a friend tells me that these days boundaries have become blurred at work people do text and do message out of hours, speak on social media.

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 14/06/2015 12:43

I'd be inclined to think that if he were cheating or up to no good, and he freely handed over the iPad, it would be because he's spent all night while you were asleep deleting the evidence.

IF there was anything, that is.

I'm not saying he's guilty or innocent...I'm just talking from experience.

canweseethebunnies · 14/06/2015 12:44

I think you're overreacting. Maybe he's spoken to her on the phone and is curious to see what she looks like. Maybe he has a slight crush on her, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. That's the problem with online searches, it's like the bloody thought police!

There could be more to it. But there could well not. He probably lied because he was embarrassed.

ThisLittlePiggie · 14/06/2015 13:01

I don't think you have anything to worry about.

My own search history shows an ex boyfriend and a friend of a friend (male) whose name I butchered twice before I found them. I've no romantic interest in either of them. I was just being nosey.

I think that's pretty normal facebook behaviour.

I wouldn't lie to DH but thinking about it I would be embarrassed about the ex. He wasn't much of an ex btw.

Congrats on your little baby.

Original poster
RaisingMen · 15/06/2015 19:17

I read the emails. He thought he'd deleted them but forgot to empty his trash folder, and it turns out I do have a lot to worry about. I don't want to go into it yet, I feel sick but I wasn't over reacting.

Thanks for all of your advice.

OP posts:
itsallgraveeee · 15/06/2015 19:20

God I look up people on facebook all the time and it's definitely not cos I fancy them, I'm just nosey!

itsallgraveeee · 15/06/2015 19:20

Oh shit, just read your update, really sorry op Sad

Baies · 15/06/2015 19:25

Poor you Sad

FelicityGubbins · 15/06/2015 19:30

Forward the emails to yourself to an account he can't access.

Fearless91 · 15/06/2015 19:31

Oh OP Sad

If you need to talk we are all here for you.

If he searched someone four times in one day, it would just come up as the once On an iPad. But if you look on a laptop hover over it and it tells you the times they've searched them and how many times as well.

I don't always believe it when people say "if he wasn't cheating he wouldn't offer his phone". I've had someone delete texts before (thinking I didn't know) and then offer me to look at it! Which is what your H has done. I'm sorry. Flowers

Turvytopsy · 15/06/2015 19:34

Flowers so sorry to hear your update op Sad

Seems odd that he didn't know how to spell the name of someone he is emailing regularly? Do you suspect they have met more recently than he says?

Another example of the wisdom of gut instinct.

Justbuggeroff · 15/06/2015 19:38

God, so sorry OP. We're here for you xx

Snowflake15 · 15/06/2015 19:42

Oh no OP thinking of youFlowers definitely forward the emails to an account he can't access and delete from his sent items, so you have proof