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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I really need to talk about my relationship with my husband

92 replies

Ineedcheese · 10/06/2015 22:28

We have many problems, but my new and immediate one is this.

We haven't had sex since before ds2 was born - he is 8.5m. No particular reason and we haven't spoken about it. This happened after the birth of ds1 as well, although not such a long time. In fact there have been several 'dry spells' and its always been up to me to start the conversation to try and get back on track, which I have said to him before I am fed up with always being the one who has to do this.

This time round, I haven't said a word and neither has he. He's slept in the spare room since ds2 was born. Ds2 is still in with me.

Yesterday I looked at the internet history on his ipad. He is watching porn daily or every other day. I had suspected he was watching a bit, but I am stunned by the frequency. Is this excessive or normal? I have no idea.

I am not anti porn as such, I have watched some in the past years ago. But certainly these days I find it uncomfortable and unpleasant and wouldn't want to watch it myself. Dh and I have never had a conversation about it really. I am very uncomfortable with some of the searches he seems to have made - its not just a quick look online, he is looking for specific stuff (not illegal or anything, just gross) . He is clearly a member of at least one site as there were several history items of you have a new message etc that if you click on it asks you to log in.

Mainly I can't get my head around the fact that he is spending clearly a lot of time and energy on this, and yet can't be bothered to do anything about his actual sex life.

I can't get to grips with my feelings about this, its left me feeling yucky all day today. Do I mention it? He's away tonight and just texted to say he's missing me. I want to reply asking if he hasn't got internet or something Sad

OP posts:
Joysmum · 10/06/2015 22:41

Of course you need to discuss it.

Frequency of porn is too much when it affects the relationship. For done this will mean even a one off, for others 5 times a week won't be an issue.
Mtge key thing here is that you feel it is affecting your relationship and would very much like to resume a sex life and feel hurt he's not looking to you for titilation rather than porn.

You need to tell him what you know and ask him how he thinks this makes you feel and how he thinks you both need to proceed to see if it tallies with your thoughts on it.

If it doesn't, it's up to you to decide if it's a deal breaker or not.

Joysmum · 10/06/2015 22:42

Apologies for the typos Blush

Tory79 · 10/06/2015 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ineedcheese · 10/06/2015 23:08

Oooh name change fail!

OP posts:
Noneedtoworryatall · 10/06/2015 23:09

It doesn't look good does it op?

Noneedtoworryatall · 10/06/2015 23:10

Why point it out. I wouldn't have know it was a fail otherwise.....

Not helpful to op.

Original poster
Ineedcheese · 10/06/2015 23:12

No that's me pointing out my own name change fail!

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 10/06/2015 23:14

It depends if the porn is the reason you aren't having sex or if there is more to it.

Sleeping on separate rooms is not ideal and is bound to lead to intimacy issues. Why is baby not in his own room so that you and dh can return to sharing a bed?

Dp and I haven't had much intimacy since dd was born and she is nearly 2 but I had a lot of issues after birth and he works nights however we do other things to maintain our relationship when we get time together.

withalittlebitofluck · 10/06/2015 23:15

You need to talk with him. Put children in bed. Open some wine and tell him that you want to bring back intimacy and work out how to work together at it. Relationships are hard work, and both party's need to make changes and compromises.

Noneedtoworryatall · 10/06/2015 23:15

Sorry!

Original poster
Ineedcheese · 10/06/2015 23:16

Ds2 not in his own room because he wakes through the night every 2-3 hours and I do all the night wakings

OP posts:
Original poster
Ineedcheese · 10/06/2015 23:19

where I think he's always watched a bit, I expect it's ramped up due to the amount of time it's been since we last had sex. Im sure it's not the only reason.
We've had large gaps before and he's not been at all pro active about it. At one point there was an 18 month period where I was the only one who initiated anything! And yet he's clearly not lacking in sex drive....

OP posts:
wallaby73 · 10/06/2015 23:29

Hang on - back up. He had dinner with another woman? And he said he's had a nice time? Hello - this does not sound good...at all.

Original poster
Ineedcheese · 11/06/2015 06:54

I can't tell if that's sarcastic wallaby, sorry if I'm misreading.
I have no problem with him having dinner with a woman, (although it smarts as we haven't done anything just the two of us since before ds2 was born) but I don't like the fact he didn't tell me about it. He has form for not telling me things he thinks I won't like.

OP posts:
tribpot · 11/06/2015 06:58

Why are you convinced there's nothing going on with this woman he used to work with?

He has form for not telling me things he thinks I won't like.

To put it another way, he has form for lying to make his own life easier.

Original poster
Ineedcheese · 11/06/2015 07:05

Well I guess no one can ever be 100% about these things but there were a couple of messages there and she mentioned a date she'd been on etc I just didn't get the feeling there was anything dodgy going on (other than him not telling me)

OP posts:
Original poster
Ineedcheese · 11/06/2015 07:06

It's the porn that is bothering me more than the dinner

OP posts:
Tryharder · 11/06/2015 07:20

I think porn addiction is an increasingly common problem these days; it becomes easier to wank off rather than to actually make an effort to engage sexually with your partner.

I think it desensitizes men and makes them unreceptive to 'normal' sex and leads them to seek out increasingly 'exotic' porn.

I agree with you, OP: why should you be the one to have to 'sort out' this problem every time it occurs.

When I went to Relate, my counsellor also happened to be a sex therapist. Would you DP consider seeing someone about this?

StaceyAndTracey · 11/06/2015 07:29

You are assuming that he's watching porn because you are not having sex. But maybe it's the other way round - you're not having sex because he doesn't want to . Because he's watching so much porn or having sex elswhere . Or both .

Why would it not bother you that he's having dinner with other women and lying to you about it ? Where did he tell you he was - at work ?

Tory79 · 11/06/2015 07:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ineedcheese · 11/06/2015 07:42

Another namechange fail Blush

OP posts:
TheMotherOfAllDilemmas · 11/06/2015 07:48

Ok, before the witch hunting starts, I think you need to discuss the situation with DH and make arrangements for him to go back to your bedroom.

Pornography is a problem if that is taking time and energy from your relationship, but it is not only about telling him to stop, it is about how to work TOGETHER to bring the attraction back.

Baby trumps husband, no brainer, but if husband is not getting any attention... What do you expect? Get him to help you more with the baby so you can be more rested and, it is not the end of the world if baby moves to another room.

StaceyAndTracey · 11/06/2015 07:49

Would it bother you if he was having an Affair with this woman, or someone else ?

withalittlebitofluck · 11/06/2015 08:20

You need to tell him. And to be honest if my husband was not being intimate with me and going out to dinner with another women I would be hurt and rather worried.

Op do you want to work things out with him?

HootyMcTooty · 11/06/2015 08:31

You need to talk to him. It's easy when you've built up resentment to just think "fuck it, I'm sick of doing all the running", but the problem is it only makes things worse, I know because I've done it myself and things when from bad to epically bad.

You need to tell him what you know, what is making you unhappy and what he needs to do to make things better. Fwiw, we had just reached a point where we were housemates, nothing more, there was no bad behaviour on either side particularly, it took us getting to breaking point before we had the conversation though, it was nearly too late. It was the realisation of what we were losing that led us to deal with our issues. It should never have got to that point and we will never let things get that bad again.

I don't like the sound of his frequent porn use and dinner with someone he didn't tell you about though. I think he needs to do most of the talking when you do speak to him.