I really need to talk about my relationship with my husband

[Ineedcheese]

We have many problems, but my new and immediate one is this.

We haven't had sex since before ds2 was born - he is 8.5m. No particular reason and we haven't spoken about it. This happened after the birth of ds1 as well, although not such a long time. In fact there have been several 'dry spells' and its always been up to me to start the conversation to try and get back on track, which I have said to him before I am fed up with always being the one who has to do this.

This time round, I haven't said a word and neither has he. He's slept in the spare room since ds2 was born. Ds2 is still in with me.

Yesterday I looked at the internet history on his ipad. He is watching porn daily or every other day. I had suspected he was watching a bit, but I am stunned by the frequency. Is this excessive or normal? I have no idea.

I am not anti porn as such, I have watched some in the past years ago. But certainly these days I find it uncomfortable and unpleasant and wouldn't want to watch it myself. Dh and I have never had a conversation about it really. I am very uncomfortable with some of the searches he seems to have made - its not just a quick look online, he is looking for specific stuff (not illegal or anything, just gross) . He is clearly a member of at least one site as there were several history items of you have a new message etc that if you click on it asks you to log in.

Mainly I can't get my head around the fact that he is spending clearly a lot of time and energy on this, and yet can't be bothered to do anything about his actual sex life.

I can't get to grips with my feelings about this, its left me feeling yucky all day today. Do I mention it? He's away tonight and just texted to say he's missing me. I want to reply asking if he hasn't got internet or something

He is having a sex life but you are no longer part of it. And this clearly doesn't bother him. If you are not happy with porn then that is your prerogative. It would certainly be a dealbreaker for me. You need to tell him you know about the porn and secret dinner and ask him how he is going to resolve this. I don't know if counselling will help if he has already checked out of your relationship.

I think you need to give the guy a break. lots of women go off sex after a baby, he could just assume you aren't interested at the moment and is not bothering you with his needs (aren't all men called selfish twunts for suggesting sex to any woman whose had a baby in the last five years) I would be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he is just 'looking after himself' ..and he is waiting for you to say you are ready.

First things first your Husband needs to be back in your bed!
IMO, this is the very first thing you need to tackle. And I don't mean with DS2 next to you in the same room.

I'm not surprised there is no intimacy between you if you are in separate rooms.

Secondly, in my experience. If a partner partakes in pornography they will do so on a regular basis, especially given the opportunity. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, I'm saying its normal for those that do partake and are given the opportunity.

Thirdly, yes...you need to sit down with your DH and come up with a plan for moving your DS2 out of your bed and your husband back in.

I haven't suggested talking to your DH about pornography, that's up to you and how you do so is up to you. I think, given what you have told us, that the pornography is a by product of your situation.
If he is back in your bed cuddling up with you there is less opportunity for him to partake and the two of you can get back to discovering an intimate relationship again.

themother absolutely, but it's happened before and it's always me that has to deal with it.
stacey yes of course I would be bothered.
witha I do want to work things out, however, in all honesty I think this will be the last time I want to, if that makes sense. I know you have to work at a marriage but it shouldn't be THIS much work!
hooty housemates is exactly what we are at the moment, although I say that, I used to have get on really well with and have loads of fun with my old housemates so perhaps that's not what we are
twistle I agree, I think I've been replaced, sexually anyway, and he's kind of forgotten I'm here in that regard.
patchwork I would agree if it had been 8 weeks, but 8 months of 'consideration'? And not even to mention it once?

drew I think it's perfectly possible to have intimacy and be in separate rooms! Ds2 sleeps well in the evening, and we have a proper spare room with a king size bed etc. it's not like there's no opportunity

I actually prefer not sharing a bed in some ways as he snores and wriggles and I'm a very light sleeper!

Ffs! Why do I have to change my name every bloody time I post?!

The fact he didn't tell you speaks volumes. When did he last take you for a meal by yourself.

It looks like he has checked out of the relationship. He doesn't want sex with you as he is getting his fix of the porn, now he is taking another womsn out for a meal, and didn't bother telling you. I'd be more than concerned.

I really truly don't think here is anything going on with him and this girl though. im trying to be logical about this - I wouldn't give it a second thought if he didn't mention he's been out to dinner with a male friend.

How would he respond if you initiated sex one evening? Put on your nice underwear or whatever makes you feel special and just go for it. Have you tried this? I do think some men start to feel a bit redundant after babies arrive especially if mother is cosleeping and dad is in another room. Why don't you just try to seduce him tonight and see how he responds? You could set yourself a relatively high target and try to initiate sex three times a week for say a month. Maybe this could get you both back in the habit of being intimate? If he rejects this then you will need to have more serious talks but hopefully it will get you both back on track. I think the porn use may have escalated because he feels disconnected from you.

I don't think I'll be able to do that baby. I'm smarting from the times I've had to do this before, so I probably have to talk to him about how rejected I feel first, as frankly I'm just not in the romantic mood in any way. I just feel angry and sad and unwanted. Probably the not the best ingredients for a night of seduction!

That's a shame. Good luck for the talk then. Hope you get somewhere with it. Relationships can be so hard -they can have ups and downs as we all know so I really hope you can work things out.

why don't you think there is something going on with her, or someone else?

twistle my gut tells me so, in the same way some peoples tell them there is an affair happening.
Maybe he fancies her or at least finds her attractive/funny etc etc. who knows maybe he IS having an affair, you can never know for sure. But at this moment in time I quite firmly believe he isn't. He wouldn't have the time if nothing else!

Op. How long have you been married. Marriage is tough but it's worth this shot. I think you need a date night. Can anyone baby sit? Or any one who the children can go for a sleepover with? Make it regular. This is currently my issue in my marriage we are always being 'parents' we sometimes forget 'us'.

Failing that.. Cook a special dinner, throw on something nice to wear. Put some lippy on and have a drink together. Talk about everything but the children. Good luck op

I think it's differnt considering the situation.

If I was going for a meal with a GF I would tell DP, I would also tell him if it was a bloke. If I went for a meal with s bloke and didn't mention it, then he found messages between us and I was speaking in a way that was unusual - he would have every right to ask what was going on.

7 years this year! Typical itch time

I agree with Drew - I think you need to let DH know that he is important and not "trumped" by DS2. Agree a plan for getting DS2 into his own room and DH back into your bed.

He is having a sex life but you are no longer part of it. And this clearly doesn't bother him

With respect you don't know that.

When I was still in the first few years of being with my DH I had issues.

DH was rejected and then gave up trying and waited for me to initiate.

When I was in a better place and ready, I wasn't ready enough to initiate and felt unattractive because he never initiated. Poor sod couldn't win!

Now it's similar in reverse, he's on tablets and is tired, I've been knocked back so stepped back so I don't come across as a sex pest! I'm now waiting for a good pop portsmouth to tell him this is what I've done and that I've not withdrawn from sex again because I've started therapy about the rape, it's just about respecting him.

So, that's why my first post (the first reply on the thread) was about opening a discussion with the premise that the relationship isn't as good as it could be and asking his thoughts to see if they tally and then working out how to proceed is the best way forwards.

If I had dinner alone with a male friend / colleague, I woudl be sure to tell my spouse . Even if I was away with work . We have a good phone signal and email where I live and also in most places in the world that people go away on business and have dinner .

And I woudnt send an email afterwards thanking him for a lovely time, Which implies he was the host . If I felt the need to send an email , I woudl say

" great to see you last week and catch up on all the news from the office / company / glad to hear the dedartment is doing well / Amy is enjoying high school . We must get together again next time you are in the area and maybe your wife / colleagues / old friends could join us"

With respect Joysmum - you don't know either. And you seem to be projecting your own issues onto this thread.

And OP - my gut feeling said my ex wasn't cheating. So please be on your guard is my advice.

What are you going to do - broach this with him?

Moving ds2 is definitely on the agenda, however, surely it has been really in dhs favour that I have done this. Dh has not had to deal with a single night waking since he was born, I have done every one, as I am a sahm and Dh does not do well on disturbed sleep.
He acts like he's doing me a favour sleeping in the spare room which really pisses me off!

Did DH have a say in sleeping arrangements? Although he's not had to do the night feeds, the price of this has been a lack of intimacy with his wife (not just sex - sharing the same physical space helps closeness) for 8+ months

Tell him it's time for child to move to own room. Move child in tonight. Don't give him the choice. Tell dh that your looking forward to having a cuddle up tonight

I've seen far too many marital issues when the mother and children are sleeping in the same bed and the father separately. This in it's self is a marriage breaker Even having the children in the same room can lead to lack of intimacy between couples.
This situation has, must have, contributed to your DH not having to deal with a single night. Doing you a favour would be sharing the night time duties, not sleeping in a separate room.
But can you not see that this all stems from having separate beds.

• He's not woken because he is in another room
• You don't cuddle up together because your in separate rooms
• Hes got the opportunity to partake in pornography because he is on his own
• There is no intimacy because you are in separate rooms.

And the whole we have a proper spare room with a king size bed etc is a curve ball. I've no idea how that encourages intimacy.

"Honey, lets go to the spare room so we can cuddle up" but then you go your separate ways.
Vs
"Honey lets go to be so we can fall asleep in each others arms"

He has been separated from the family, or he has separated himself!

I don't care if he does not deal well with interrupted sleep. none of us do but he's a father.

Now you can pretend and make excuses for the issues you are encountering or you can put DS2 in his own room and get your husband back in bed with you. Tonight!
Don't have a plan, that's just another excuse. Do it tonight and deal with it between you and your husband.
(I understand that there may be other issues like decorating or furnishing rooms)

Has your sex life ever been any good and did it tail off just after child 1 or before that?