Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

I really need to talk about my relationship with my husband

92 replies

Ineedcheese · 10/06/2015 22:28

We have many problems, but my new and immediate one is this.

We haven't had sex since before ds2 was born - he is 8.5m. No particular reason and we haven't spoken about it. This happened after the birth of ds1 as well, although not such a long time. In fact there have been several 'dry spells' and its always been up to me to start the conversation to try and get back on track, which I have said to him before I am fed up with always being the one who has to do this.

This time round, I haven't said a word and neither has he. He's slept in the spare room since ds2 was born. Ds2 is still in with me.

Yesterday I looked at the internet history on his ipad. He is watching porn daily or every other day. I had suspected he was watching a bit, but I am stunned by the frequency. Is this excessive or normal? I have no idea.

I am not anti porn as such, I have watched some in the past years ago. But certainly these days I find it uncomfortable and unpleasant and wouldn't want to watch it myself. Dh and I have never had a conversation about it really. I am very uncomfortable with some of the searches he seems to have made - its not just a quick look online, he is looking for specific stuff (not illegal or anything, just gross) . He is clearly a member of at least one site as there were several history items of you have a new message etc that if you click on it asks you to log in.

Mainly I can't get my head around the fact that he is spending clearly a lot of time and energy on this, and yet can't be bothered to do anything about his actual sex life.

I can't get to grips with my feelings about this, its left me feeling yucky all day today. Do I mention it? He's away tonight and just texted to say he's missing me. I want to reply asking if he hasn't got internet or something

OP posts:

withalittlebitofluck · 12/06/2015 10:19

Its up to you about the room sharing but if it's having a negative impact on your marriage then surely it needs to change. Did you say dc slept through yet? Cause if not it may be that a change of room may help that. My baby's always slept better in their own rooms as my room had me and my husband in it.. Also I find that I don't wake each time they snuffle it cough too.

Tory79 · 12/06/2015 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Ineedcheese · 12/06/2015 10:32

Yes with I've already said I will be having a go at getting ds2 into his own room. No he doesn't sleep through, at the moment he's up every couple of hours! If he slept through I would have happily moved him at 6 months but the thought of having to properly get up to see to him multiple times a night is not appealing! Still, as you say, who knows, maybe it will help him sleep better..... Fingers crossed!

OP posts:

GrumpleMe · 12/06/2015 10:49

That's a bit harsh, Drew. Strange. Maybe a bit of projection.

But yes, you're here talking about intimacy with your husband OP. You obviously can only control yourself, so there's no point keeping score about who gets things back on track, just that it GETS back on track.

Your relationship needs to be a higher priority than sleep and cosleeping with your DS. It doesn't sound like it is...yet.

Original poster

Ineedcheese · 12/06/2015 11:04

grumple I'm not sure anything is a higher priority than sleep when you're not getting any! (Sleep that is)

But what does it say about my husbands priorities that he appears not to give a shit?!

OP posts:

GrumpleMe · 12/06/2015 11:14

Oh yeah, I've been there.

But I do think that's the place to start, sharing a bed again. If you're not prepared to sacrifice sleep, then that's a conscious choice.

Maybe his priority is exactly the same - sleep. The porn is just a means to an end.

You may actually be on exactly the same page here. You need to discuss it, and you both might feel like the weight of the world is off your shoulders.

Smorgasboard · 12/06/2015 12:27

Does co-sleeping not lead to difficulties when separating your DC into their own room in the future? Just thought it would make the DC used to you being there, never tried it, so accept I could be wrong.

Original poster

Ineedcheese · 12/06/2015 12:54

To be clear, although somewhere along the line the term co sleeping came in to the thread, ds2 is in a cot by my bed, not actually sharing the same bed.

And smorgasboard not necessarily. I bed shared with ds1 and he moved in to a cot quite happily when he was about 7 months.

OP posts:

Smooshface · 12/06/2015 13:08

Baby might sleep better if you aren't there too, found that a bit with mine.

All you can do is carefully broach this with him. We have had dry spells after kids and when partner's mood has been low. Porn in these circumstances can be more about 'stress relief', but it doesn't bode well if you are obviously keen to get going again and he isn't reciprocating. I would investigate counselling if he is up for it.

withalittlebitofluck · 12/06/2015 13:13

Do you spend time alone op at all? Chatting? Cuddling on sofa? Even just having dinner just the two of you? Maybe some no children time may help? A date etc. Then you can see if it helps him to relax. Failing that Join him in the spare room, just go I and say can we cuddle up. If it's no then tell him how you feel. If he doesn't know this how can he change it.

Smooshface · 12/06/2015 13:29

I've read the thread a bit more now, to be honest I've been in similar situation. DP would test the waters until I was ready. Think poor boy got sick of knock backs and left it to me to be 'ready'. Most days I'm too tired but I'm at least getting there. Sounds like he generally has a low sex drive though, if this isn't usual then maybe investigate depression? Sounds like this happens ocassionally for him though?

Baby is still in our room at 18 months but we sleep in spare room together until we figure out what we are doing with rooms, and stay together with her when people come to stay. In the week if partner is up working late we will sleep in separate beds. Nice when we don't though. As much as sex at bedtime annoys me (I sound crazy there but once I go to bed i am ready to sleep! And it's usually far too late), it is important to reconnect. It has took me a while to figure this out for myself, he may need some reminding. Not sure I'm saying all this right, think I'm like your partner though!

Hope it goes well for you.

Athenaviolet · 12/06/2015 13:46

I wouldn't stay in a marriage like that.

I'm disillusioned by all the posters defending a porn filmed abuse of women addict.

There are decent blokes out there. OP can do better than this misogynist who isn't even a decent enough father to parent his own child.

Ridingthegravytrain · 12/06/2015 13:52

My DH slept in the other room way before the kids came along because he snored like a beast! And then the kids were in with me as they were not good sleepers and I was breast feeding. Far better to have them there to just pick up rather than go downstairs to get them.

Yes intimacy was tricky but mainly because we had small children who didn't sleep no matter where they were. It was no ones fault. In the same way this is not yours OP. We would always spend some time together in bed before he went to the spare room though. Always had done

You do need to talk to him about it though otherwise nothing will change for a long time. Plus you know about it now and it will just add to the resentment of you looking after baby and getting little sleep while he gets his rocks off downstairs or whatever. Well, that's what I'd be thinking

Good luck, if he doesn't know it bothers you he honestly won't think he's doing anything wrong

LovelyFriend · 12/06/2015 13:58

I don't have a problem with porn but ............ (lists long list of problems stemming from or associated with H's porn use). It's an all to common dilemma on here.

Do you think you might have a problem with porn now OP?

Oly4 · 12/06/2015 14:08

Oh for gods sake, let's not tell the OP her husband is having an affair!! OP, this is really common after birth. My husband watched loads of porn after our kids were born (for the first year), we wwre sleeping on and off in separate rooms due to poor sleepers etc. he said he didn't want to pressure me for sex etc, plus I felt far and wanted to lose baby weight as I didn't feel sexy. We are now back on track but it took a conversation where we both said we felt sad without sex and had let it go. So we scheduled some in and now we're back to normal.
And my husband has female friends he has dinner with. Shock horror.
I have male friends I have dinner with. Shock horror

Oly4 · 12/06/2015 14:09

Felt fat, not far. Sorry

Oly4 · 12/06/2015 14:12

Ps I agree that the porn is probably just a means to an end. Men wank a lot, end of

Flip

1 2 3 4