DP had a brief short affair, don't know what to do

[suebearbu]

Occasional poster, have name changed to avoid outing...

I am in my mid 40's and have been with DP for 3 years. DP is in his early 30s and we have been living together for the majority of the time we have been in a relationship.

We get on well, want similar things and we both love each other.

I recently found out that DP kissed a girl at his tennis club and followed her back to her house, where they continued the intimacy, but did not have sex. This happened over a year ago. For unknown reasons, he decided to not see her again after that night. He claims he stopped because he realised he loved me too much and could not bear to lose me.

I found out about said incident as I happened to be using his phone and messages from last year are still stored.

I am very confused. Please help.

Sparkle? Wtf... Please walk away from this man now & find someone deserving of you-he really really isn't.

OP, he has basically told you that you have no "sparkle" for him

cut him loose

lots of men will find you have plenty "sparkle" for them

He chased someone else for three months. He actively attempted to have an affair for three months. Because you don't sparkle enough. He was actively pursuing an affair for three months. Three months. Three months. This is no drunken snog at a party with a stranger. Three months of planning to leave you, sneaking around, not attempting to reignite your sparkle, no no, he was chasing someone else's sparkle.

Who does the housework and pays the bills?

newstart, we don't own, we rent together. I am the breadwinner, but he has taken a lower paid job (though he still earns very well) to allow me the flexibility to earn more. I couldn't do this job without him. I could pay the rent on my own, but he would be unable to afford the rent if we broke up.

cashier, I was relatively happy before I found out about the affair. We spoke about the future often and we had plans for a family (though realise it would be difficult).

ketchup, he does most of the housework, but I pay most of the bills.

Just a brief update, thanks to all for the advice.

I won't try and pretend, but I am honestly really struggling. I love him and finding it hard to let go. I do not want to let him go, but I can't forget what has happened.

I was planning on asking him to leave this weekend, but I cannot find the strength.

You know he is going to leave you when he is ready probably after some more shitty times to add to what you are going through now. A bit more messing around, then going a bit further until he finds the one to leave you for Each one of these destroying you bit by bit.

If you end it now it will hurt like fuck but you will slowly start healing. In 2 years you will be in a different place.

Or you can hang on for another year/18 months/2 years then he will leave you and you will be in the pain then.

Easier said than done but...

Rip the plaster off fast.