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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP had a brief short affair, don't know what to do

81 replies

suebearbu · 10/06/2015 21:19

Occasional poster, have name changed to avoid outing...

I am in my mid 40's and have been with DP for 3 years. DP is in his early 30s and we have been living together for the majority of the time we have been in a relationship.

We get on well, want similar things and we both love each other.

I recently found out that DP kissed a girl at his tennis club and followed her back to her house, where they continued the intimacy, but did not have sex. This happened over a year ago. For unknown reasons, he decided to not see her again after that night. He claims he stopped because he realised he loved me too much and could not bear to lose me.

I found out about said incident as I happened to be using his phone and messages from last year are still stored.

I am very confused. Please help.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 11/06/2015 16:04

Sex isn't the only betrayal.

Gilrack · 11/06/2015 16:08

It's helpful that you have what appears to be the complete conversation. Assuming that's what you have, it does sound like they nearly had an affair, but didn't.

The 'nearly' and the lying by omission are a massive blow, though. I feel for you.

In the past, I've snogged and - umm, got to second base when I shouldn't. My motives were unhealthy. For me, there would be a better chance of recovery if he'd used his bad behaviour as a catalyst to address issues in your relationship. The fact that he hid it from you, even while yo-yoing back & forth, would be a matter of grave concern.

Gilrack · 11/06/2015 16:09

Sex isn't the only betrayal.

Yes! Long intimate discussions that he was not having with OP. Covert behaviour. Big betrayals :(

Vivacia · 11/06/2015 18:13

I believe OP when she says that she knows they didn't have sex.

Either way it's not a betrayal I think I could forgive, much though I'd want to.

Original poster

suebearbu · 11/06/2015 18:20

We have had a long discussion.

In summary, yes he did like her. He pursued her briefly with the intention of being with her. 3 months or so from when his interest was sparked, he ended up at her flat. He was intimate with her, but no sex. Soon after that night, they met again before a tennis social. She declined his advances and they lost contact. 1 month after, she reappeared again and tried to initiate the 'affair'. He declined her advances. No contact since and she is no longer part of the tennis club (I have checked online and can see that she is no longer there).

His story tallies with the messages I read.

I am very confused. And scared. I thought I had found the one. How could he do this? He admitted he was intending to be with her, but changed his mind when he realised how special what we have is.

OP posts:

LittlePickleHead · 11/06/2015 18:23

Do you have any children OP?

AnyFucker · 11/06/2015 18:23

What does "intimate with her" mean ?

Surely the difference between a friend and a partner is "being intimate" so I would consider it the same as full penetrative sex

unless your definition of sexual contact is penetrative only

Original poster

suebearbu · 11/06/2015 18:26

No children yet, but it is something we have discussed and looked at options given my age.

He kissed her. Lay on her. No penetrative sex and no touching of genitals.

OP posts:

MerdeAlor · 11/06/2015 18:31

Intimacy=sex. Whether it was penis in vagina or oral sex, it is still sex.

How can you be sure he's telling the truth when he had courted her for three months and this night was the culmination.

I am not a pessimist but please - he had sex with her.

HoldYerWhist · 11/06/2015 18:31

He claims he stopped because he realised he loved me too much and could not bear to lose me.

Except he pursued her afterwards. So that's a lie...

MerdeAlor · 11/06/2015 18:31

Sorry cross post.

He lay on her? How can you believe that?

Vivacia · 11/06/2015 18:34

What scares you?

Vivacia · 11/06/2015 18:36

He didn't think you were that special for those three months.

Original poster

suebearbu · 11/06/2015 18:45

I have sacrificed a lot for this man, the prospect of throwing it all away is heartbreaking and scary.

But I need to be honest with myself. I believe him when he says he did not sleep with her. He is a very moral person usually. In a strange way, that makes it even worse as it proves he must have really clicked with her for him to do what he did.

OP posts:

HoldYerWhist · 11/06/2015 18:48

I don't even think it matters that much whether he actually had sex with her or not.

He did enough wrong for you to know you shouldn't have to accept this and you're worth more than that.

Vivacia · 11/06/2015 18:48

throwing it all away is heartbreaking and scary.

I think you're right. I think that investing even more time and energy and emotion is even scarier and more heartbreaking.

Vivacia · 11/06/2015 18:50

I wouldn't rush in to thinking about splitting up. I would rush very quickly in to asking him to move out for a few days so that I could gather my thoughts.

BreadmakerFan · 11/06/2015 18:53

He isn't the only man in the world. Scared to be without him. Him who is a liar, a cheat, a weak man led by his dick, uses past tragedies to get you to feel sorry for him, great catch you have there.

He isn't a moral person. He cheated. How can he be.

He threw it all away when he cheated. You are just righting a big wrong and keeping self respect.

AnyFucker · 11/06/2015 18:54

Having sunk so much effort into this man is no reason to carry on throwing good effort after bad

he did this after you sacrificed so much ?

even more reason to cut loose

badbaldingballerina123 · 11/06/2015 19:24

What sacrifices have you made for this man and why ? Cheaters typically take more and offer less in return.

SaucyJack · 11/06/2015 19:31

I think the fact that he pursued her for three months would be it for me. This was not a brief moment of madness after a few too many drinks. Whether or not they actually had full sex would be irrelevant for me.

I'm sorry dude.

BeyonceRiRiMadonna · 11/06/2015 19:39

Sue "He kissed her. Lay on her. No penetrative sex and no touching of genitals." + emotionally engaging with her + actively pursuing her = cheating.

I think he needs to start by being honest with you and he needs to stop minimising.

What would you like to do Sue?

ALaughAMinute · 11/06/2015 19:59

He was intimate with her and pursued her for three months, what more do you need to know?

Get out while you can!

badbaldingballerina123 · 11/06/2015 20:00

At the point this happened you'd only been together two years. Your not married and you have no children. In your shoes I'd try and look back honestly over your time together and really think about those sacrifices you made , because it's pretty clear your expected to continue making sacrifices to be with him. What sacrifices has he made for you ?

It's absolutely normal to want to minimize this but he is lying to you and lying to himself. He did not stop because he realized how special your relationship is. He didn't stop due to unknown reasons like you suggest in your first post. He HAD to stop because she didn't want to see him again.

It's a horrible thing to discover and I really feel for you.

Fearless91 · 11/06/2015 20:14

Oh OP

to be brutally honest I would find the fact he actually had feelings for her and pursued her harder to get over than if he just had sex with her the once and thought nothing else of it.

It's up to you whether or not you believe he didn't have sex with her, but he was still intimate - whatever that means?
He still chased her. He had feelings for her. And now he's trying to minimise that by saying he stopped because he realised how much you meant to him.

Why does it take another woman for him to realise this?

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