DP had a brief short affair, don't know what to do

[suebearbu]

Occasional poster, have name changed to avoid outing...

I am in my mid 40's and have been with DP for 3 years. DP is in his early 30s and we have been living together for the majority of the time we have been in a relationship.

We get on well, want similar things and we both love each other.

I recently found out that DP kissed a girl at his tennis club and followed her back to her house, where they continued the intimacy, but did not have sex. This happened over a year ago. For unknown reasons, he decided to not see her again after that night. He claims he stopped because he realised he loved me too much and could not bear to lose me.

I found out about said incident as I happened to be using his phone and messages from last year are still stored.

I am very confused. Please help.

Agree with saucy, a near shag - er okayy- but pursuing someone for three months and then getting dumped by them- really bad. Sorry op.

My problem with this would be the fact I didn't know and would never have known if I hadn't found that text message.

The fact is he pursued someone else (not just a random drunk kiss at a bar), planned on leaving you for her, for THREE months of your relationship... and you had no idea. That SHE was the one that turned him down initially, which you have proof of (rather than him thinking better of it) and then a month later he turned her down... could be because he found someone else, or could be that he thought better of it because at that time your relationship was going well.

I wouldn't be able to trust in the same way because he's shown himself to be untrustworthy. You weren't "enough" for him (whatever that means) for three months of your relationship and if she'd said yes he would have been gone. Someone else was more important.

I would always be worried about that time I don't do "good enough" and for that reason (though it's not the actual reason I'm sure it'll be how you feel "what should I have done differently") he found someone else.

There would need to be some serious trust re-building or I would need to come to terms with the knowledge that he is his own person and if he chooses to cheat again, I can't stop him, but I can change my response to it (i.e. for me a kiss is enough to break up over because it's an intimate act for me, my husband know this, so to kiss someone else is a huge betrayal, let alone sex).

FWIW, I don't believe they didn't have sexual contact in some form. Whatever "base" they reached, I'm sure it was more than 1st.

OK...

The fact he gave you the phone and didn't even think about it is kind of a plus point, because it sounds like he hasn't thought about this woman for a long time - so long that he'd forgotten those messages would be on there.

However, the length of time he pursued her - three months is a pretty dedicated campaign - and the fact that she knocked him back would give me serious cause for concern.

Whether or not they had sex or what exactly they did is irrelevant. He intended to leave you for this woman.

That would leave me feeling like I was basically the back-up plan until something better comes along, and then he'll go hopping off on someone else's bus again. I couldn't ever trust him again (not that you ever can really trust anyone, but you know what I mean).

Sykadelic.....that is what I am battling with inside me...if she had said yes at that point he would have left me.

Underlying, for whatever reason I am not his 'ideal'. He is clearly keeping his eyes open for someone 'better'.

I still can't believe he has done this to me.

pocketsaviour - cross post.

I know what I have to do..but I can't the energy within myself to do it...

Op you do not 'have' to do anything.

Sometimes good people do mad and bad things.

Yes, you could get him to move out immediately and call it a day. But you don't HAVE to.

You can actually take your time to gather your thoughts, to think about it. Not instantly calling it all off isn't weakness.

You COULD stay together. You could do Relate or something.

Yes it IS possible that he didn't have sex. Not all men are unable to control themselves (although of course he should have tried to earlier!)

I doubt how helpful all these posts are saying he DEFINITELY had sex and how you must leave him. Perhaps this isn't helpful either. But take a moment.

Best of luck!

It's shock and grief, sue They can make you feel immobilised, tired to the middle of your soul, and helpless. It's okay. It's your mind shutting you down so it can process stuff in the back room. You haven't got to Do Anything About It today, this weekend, or next week.

You can ask him to leave as you need head-space. You can use this time to sleep, talk the heads off your most trusted friends, see a counsellor, and everything else that will help YOU.

As far as he's concerned - ignore his concerns, questions, explanations and his entire existence in the present day. For as long as you need the space. Act like he's in a coma in hospital or something: he's not currently in your life, and may never return as before.

Have you talked to anyone in real life yet? And are you eating properly? Do both, please!

xpost, green, re taking space :)

You wouldn't have believed he could have done what he's actually admitted to before now so you can't put anything past him.

OP there is another thread on here which is pretty good How long did it take you to realise that taking him back after the affair was wrong?
Lots of other people in a similar situation, it may help you to realise there are lots of other women in the same situation, and many ways of dealing with it.

If you want to finish thugs it really doesn't take any energy to do it. Send him a text. Shows as much respect as he showed you. If you want to carry in with him you have to talk to him.

Had a long and deep discussion with DP.

We both agreed we are not 'ready' to break up. But he admitted the passion has gone and he sometimes misses the spark and energy of being in a new relationship. I asked him what attracted him to this other woman, and he said she was young, sparkly, seemed to have everything together and it was fun spending time with her.

When I met him I was already in my 40's and he was late twenties. We knew each other for 2 years before we began dating. We discussed the implication of the age gap, children etc and were fine with our decision to embark on a relationship. In hindsight I think part of the attraction to me was because as an older more experienced woman, I am/was already established.

I am starting to feel that maybe the age difference is beginning to be an issue. For example, we have different interests which means we don't socialise together much as a couple with friends. We tend to go for dinners together and holidays, but we both have separate sets of friends. A lot of my friends are married with kids now, so I rarely see them. He on the other hand, has a reasonable sized group of single friends who go out drinking, tennis etc. I know he enjoys seeing them and I think he often resents the fact that I stay at home a lot, as he feels obliged to be home with me sometimes.

In my heart of hearts, I think for him, I provide a very convenient set up which is why he is reluctant to leave. For now at least....

That's all about him Sue.

What about you? What do you get from him or your relationship with him?

Could you trust him again?

I'm sorry, but this is over

You will never truly relax th him again, the age gap is obviously in the back of your mind and his betrayal has confirmed your worst suspicions

You know this will happen again, you will be miserable with insecurity

It really is time to move on, if he's bored now what will he be like in 10 years time

Sue- this isn't enough for you, surely?

He's treating you like a mum someone to look after him when he wants feeding, etc but someone else feeds his need for fun and sparkle.

I think for him, I provide a very convenient set up which is why he is reluctant to leave. For now at least....

I agree. He isn't ready to commit to you, you are his 'for now' partner. He will be off like a shot if someone else 'sparks his interest'. This man is telling you loud and clear. He might as well be wearing a billboard.

You have to forget about what he wants and think about what you want and where your boundaries lie. If you stay with him after this, he knows that you will accept this behaviour and is more likely to do it again, not less. Although he may be more careful in covering up next time.

It's very likely that he will leave you when he's ready. You can stick around waiting for that to happen or you can cut him loose now. Or you can stay together and take a gamble that he wants the same as you.

Sue, he has one foot out the door. Not necessarily with this woman, but he's on the look out. My DH had a relationship when he was in his twenties with a woman in her forties. He said initially fine but after some time the age gap became more and more apparent and off putting.

You deserve better. Don't waste any more time. It will almost certainly happen. He will leave you. He's waiting for a decent offer or opportunity. Don't let him do that to you. End it.

We both agreed we are not 'ready' to break up.

I think you're both right. He'll leave when he's ready and take advantage of the set up until that time.

What about you? Perhaps you want a partner that fits your lifestyle? Plenty of people want to stay in together rather than going out with friends.

I don't think he's a bad person just someone who's changing and what was right for him 3 years ago isn't right now. I think your 20's is about testing relationships and 30's is when you start to know yourself and what you want.How long will he be around if the passion has gone? Would you really want to be with a man who doesn't feel passion for you? If he was posting this from a woman's perspective I think the responses would be "the relationship has run its course, you should have respect for your partner and not have an affair but prepare to leave as there is no long term future"
Likewise it's damaging to you being with a man who doesn't feel passionate about you.You deserve better.

What is the house setup- do you rent or own together?

Take control Sue, is this what you want from a relationship?
If you stay with him will you find yourself wondering when he will leave?
Can you put your hand on your heart and say that you are happy?
Is this the sort of relationship you want, moreover is this the relationship you deserve?

This is a really tough situation, I wish you all the very best in your choices.

Come on sue

take all your courage and self respect in your hands and tell him to leave

you are the safety net...He will leave you when the next "sparkle" comes along

and FWIW, you have plenty sparkle of your own more suited to a bloke your own age