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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

STD- gutted

76 replies

rainbows2015 · 09/06/2015 16:02

Been with DP for a few months, everything is fantastic and we're starting to talk about moving in and our future together. Our relationship is great, we trust each other, we have our own hobbies that we enjoy separately and we do things together. We have a great group of mutual friends, basically I love him to bits and our relationship is everything I've always wanted. We have the odd stupid row like all couples but I genuinely haven't got a bad word about our relationship. Which is what makes this so bloody hard.

A few months before we met so around 18 months ago, he had a small mark on his penis. He'd assumed it was an ingrown hair but by the time he'd eventually got the courage to go to the clinic just in case it had gone, they told him they couldn't test for herpes unless he was showing symptoms. He was quite honest about this from the start so I have no reason to doubt him, all other tests had come back clear and nothing had ever come up since, until 2 weeks ago. He had a small rash and this time he went straight away, results have come back and it's herpes. I'm gutted. I'd had my period luckily and then we abstained so no chance I've got it, however I still have been to the clinic myself to check for anything else and my results are all clear.

He's totally gutted, he told me he understands if I no longer want to be with him. I don't know what to think. Would you leave? I want a future with him, but my sexual health is also important to me. I've been reading about it and even condoms don't always protect you. I'm totally stuck with what to do. Please be gentle, I'm gutted and I love the guy.

OP posts:
Cherryblossomsinspring · 09/06/2015 23:50

Virgin!

CrystalSkull · 10/06/2015 00:09

Cherryblossomsinspring - I agree that the stigma is unfair and that herpes is very mild (or even not known about) in most cases. But I do think it is worth pointing out that some people have a much more difficult time with it. As I said, it wouldn't put me off the man of my dreams, but I think it is a mistake to assume that you'll hardly notice it or that it will definitely be very mild.

CrispyFern · 10/06/2015 00:27

If I loved him I wouldn't leave him over this.
If I merely liked him, and it was type one, I wouldn't leave him over it.
If I was kind of bored with him and feeling like we were going nowhere, I'd use it as a reason to finish things neatly!

I don't think it's the end of the world.

BessieBumptious · 10/06/2015 01:09

I think that if you're sure this person will be in your life for the long haul then stick it out and deal with it. If, on the other hand, you think that somewhere down the line he might be a bit of a shit and you've put yourself at risk for that then you'll have your answer. Is he worth the risk?

I get cold sores from October to April and don't have more than 3 weeks in that time without one. I'm so tired of it myself and DP complains that he can't kiss me (because I won't let him). He's careless and would put himself at risk, but I can't do that so all intimacy involving saliva (!) stops during an outbreak - he grumbles but I'm actually doing him a favour!

Unfortunately Herpes is a bit like a lottery - you may or may not get it (although it's likely dormant in your body anyway) BUT cold sores are easier to deal with than genital herpes, so just be careful. Research it for yourself so you're armed with all the facts before you make a decision. I know that mine is linked to hormones, even though I no longer have periods and I'm very emotional and could sleep for England the night or two before I have an outbreak. Research indicates that chocolate, peanuts, periods, sunshine, plus many others are triggers, but they also relate to hormonal cravings (except sunshine!). Mine also coincided with an early menopause - another candidate for the hormonal debate.

I met someone in a pub who had a very, very swollen face on one side and asked what happened. He had facial herpes, which is really serious - he looked quite poorly. It made me doubly careful. You need to make sure you're/he's good with hygiene during an outbreak.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/06/2015 06:48

I'd rather have type 1 on my genitals than on my face

BitOutOfPractice · 10/06/2015 07:08

So op what are you thinking now?

Has it crossed your mind that, since your bf has only had symptoms since he's been with you, that there's a good chance you gave it to him? If I were him that's what I'd be thinking. Have you been tested (although it won't show in tests if it's not currently active)

The Herpes Virus Society says that "About six out of ten people in the UK carry type 1 and about one in ten carries type 2, more in the sexually active population" so it's a pretty good chance

Have a look at their web site and get some facts and calm down!

LayMeDown · 10/06/2015 07:31

OP quite clearly states that first symptoms appeared a couple of.months before they met. So clearly it is.nothing to do with her.
She also states that a couple of months before they met was 18 months ago. This suggests they are together over a year. IMO it is very normal for.people together this length to have silly rows and they are nothing to worry about.
OP if it were me I would stay with very clear management strategies for outbreaks

BitOutOfPractice · 10/06/2015 07:40

OP quite clearly states that some symptoms appeared a couple of months before they met - but were undiagnosed. Could have been something else or nothing at all

I'm not trying to be a bitch saying she could have given it to him. I'm trying to point out that a. it is very very common and b. being "gutted" and leaving the relationship over it is potentially a massive over reaction

The OP - like most people to be fair - need to get their facts straight before getting hysterical

Sammyshoelady · 10/06/2015 08:33

I'm reading this thread with much interest as I am now in my first relationship since finding out I have genital herpes. I have told my bf, (although I have to say I did skirt around it a bit..I felt dirty and ashamed, but he was lovely)…and we were very careful when I had an outbreak recently.

It has affected me hugely, mostly emotionally, and mostly for fear that nobody would want me….

When I get emotional/stressed/worried it is almost as though I can feel it coming on.

It is very encouraging to read all the comments from people who haven't passed it to their partner, and all the people who wouldn't leave a partner because of it.

We are very careful, especially when I'm having an outbreak, but could anyone give me any advice/pointers (sorry if I'm hijacking)…re shedding. How do I know when I'm shedding? Is it just down to (bad) luck? Do I 'carry on as normal' other than when I'm having an ob?

I've had approx 6 outbreaks in 2.5 years. The last 2 have been very mild. Before I have one I get tingling on the back of my thighs and sometimes stomach.

Thank you so much for anything you can add.

LayMeDown · 10/06/2015 08:34

Considering the presence of symptoms prior to their relationship and the absence of any symptoms in the OP it is highly unlikely she is the source of her partners infection. Not impossible but telling her that there is a good chance it came from her is in my opinion not true.
For what it's worth I agree that she is over reacting.

HairyMcMary · 10/06/2015 08:48

I have herpes.

Outbreaks are now years apart. Like 4 years. They can be controlled by immediate application of lysine ointment from Holland and Barratt and prevented by taking lysine supplement (I don't bother). Lysine is a natural protein, not a dodgy medication, by the way .

It is so easy to prevent cross infection, DH has not caught it from me, neither did my previous long term partner. Once you know what it feels like you go 'no contact' til
It's over.

My midwives and consultant were also totally relaxed about it: the circumstances in which it is a problem are specific and easily identifiable. And you have to have caught it in the first place!

Op your DP is obviously responsible, honest and caring. Much better a man who has proven himself thus but carries a virus and knows it than a less trustworthy / proven partner who is infection free.....for now!

Support your partner and work together to keep your infection risk managed .

BitOutOfPractice · 10/06/2015 08:55

"a small mark on his penis" doesn't sound like a first ever outbreak of herpes to me but I'm not a doctor

And given that well over half of the population carries the virus, there's a "good chance" that the OP does

Like I say, I'm not saying she did. I was just trying to point out some facts about it. To help her make a rational decision and so that people who do have herpes no longer have to feel "dirty and ashamed" like Sammy did.

Another fact is that even though the OP's test results came back clear, that is a bit meaningless for herpes as it only shows on tests when it is active

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/06/2015 08:59

My first outbreak was a small mark - type 1 rarely has other symptoms

BitOutOfPractice · 10/06/2015 09:01

We don;t know what type he has. But you get my general point yeah? That people need to calm the fuck down about it and stop stigmatising it?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/06/2015 09:04

Obviously Hmm

BitOutOfPractice · 10/06/2015 09:17

Shall we fist bump? Grin

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 10/06/2015 09:18

Rainbows, if I were in your position I'd go back to the GUM clinic (rather than the GP, as GUM doctors are specialists) and have a chat to them. Take notes so you don't forget anything. Then go from there. By the sounds of it though he's a good bloke because he's taken the risk of telling you about it, even at the risk of getting dumped by the woman he loves, so no concerns over trust.

ShinyS1 · 10/06/2015 09:20

I have genital herpes. When I first found out I was convinced no-one would touch me with a barge pole. It's a cold sore, not great, but not the end of the world.

Consider this, if you had cold sores, would you expect your partner to leave you because of it?

I have always been honest and upfront with partners, because I think the worst thing you can do is leave them in the dark. It has had no impact on my ability to find a partner. I have never passed it on in 20 years, it's just a case of being careful.

Of course there is a risk you could catch it, but even then, very manageable.

It only ever crosses my mind when I come across threads like this.

HairyMcMary · 10/06/2015 09:31

Those of you with cold sores : bear in mind that it is possible to transmit the virus via oral sex.

Would anyone advocate stigmatizing or leaving a partner who has cold sores?

Or just say 'information is power, use it, take care of each other, that is what a good relationship is about!'

LayMeDown · 10/06/2015 09:34

There may be a good chance she has a dormant herpes virus independently of her bf. There is not at all a good chance that she transmitted it to him with no symptoms of an out break. His herpes almost certainly did not come from her. And a small spot on the penis is a very common firm of outbreak.

Frostycake · 10/06/2015 09:51

A friend of mine (male) passed on cold sores on his mouth to his wife's vulva while giving her oral sex. He didn't know he had an active cold sore as it didn't tingle. It only became apparent after the deed was done. She never forgave him and they are divorced now.

As I understand it, oral herpes (1) 'down there' isn't as painful as the type 2 virus (which I understand from speaking to a male friend is excruciatingly painful when the sores are open).

Both these people suffer from depression due to their illness.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/06/2015 11:30

She never forgave him and they are divorced now

Harsh. That's exactly how I got mine. It didn't occur to me to be angry with him Confused

however · 10/06/2015 12:25

No way would I leave over that. No way!

And no, I don't have an STD.

flanjabelle · 10/06/2015 12:34

I wouldn't leave someone I was in love with and could see a future with over this. If I didn't see a future in the relationship then I would end it, as I wouldn't want to have to deal with it in future relationships if I caught it.

I really do think it's silly to end a good, happy relationship over a skin condition! The stigma around it is awful and I know through working in this area briefly that people can become depressed and even suicidal at a herpes diagnosis. It's ridiculous really when you step back and think about what it really is, just a skin condition.

Op if you love this guy, give it a chance. he has had your health at the front of his mind and sounds as though he would work with you to minimise the risk of you catching it. Don't ruin your happiness over this.

flanjabelle · 10/06/2015 12:40

Just to put another slant on it, I recently had an sti scare. I told my partner that I had found a few bumps that weren't there before. I was very embarassed and worried about telling him. He was incredibly supportive, told me that he would come with to get it checked if I wanted him to and told me it didn't change how he felt in the slightest.

I was so relieved and felt so loved in that moment. to him it didn't make a jot of difference as he plans to be with me for life.

I got it checked and it was nothing to worry about, but his support in that worrying time meant more than you can imagine.