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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

STD- gutted

76 replies

rainbows2015 · 09/06/2015 16:02

Been with DP for a few months, everything is fantastic and we're starting to talk about moving in and our future together. Our relationship is great, we trust each other, we have our own hobbies that we enjoy separately and we do things together. We have a great group of mutual friends, basically I love him to bits and our relationship is everything I've always wanted. We have the odd stupid row like all couples but I genuinely haven't got a bad word about our relationship. Which is what makes this so bloody hard.

A few months before we met so around 18 months ago, he had a small mark on his penis. He'd assumed it was an ingrown hair but by the time he'd eventually got the courage to go to the clinic just in case it had gone, they told him they couldn't test for herpes unless he was showing symptoms. He was quite honest about this from the start so I have no reason to doubt him, all other tests had come back clear and nothing had ever come up since, until 2 weeks ago. He had a small rash and this time he went straight away, results have come back and it's herpes. I'm gutted. I'd had my period luckily and then we abstained so no chance I've got it, however I still have been to the clinic myself to check for anything else and my results are all clear.

He's totally gutted, he told me he understands if I no longer want to be with him. I don't know what to think. Would you leave? I want a future with him, but my sexual health is also important to me. I've been reading about it and even condoms don't always protect you. I'm totally stuck with what to do. Please be gentle, I'm gutted and I love the guy.

OP posts:
Original poster
rainbows2015 · 09/06/2015 16:22

2 outbreaks in 18 months golf, but yes talking to the clinic is a good idea. I totally take your point though, which is why I wrote the post as I wanted different opinions.

OP posts:
QueenBean · 09/06/2015 16:23

Could you also clarify - how long have you been together? You said a few months, but then later you said 18 months?

sebsmummy1 · 09/06/2015 16:26

Poor bastard. He must feel as though he has the plague or something. I really feel for him.

ClareAbshire · 09/06/2015 16:26

I spent five years with a man who had genital herpes and we managed it with abstaining when it was active. I never caught it. It wouldn't be worth throwing away a good relationship for imo.

longlistofexlovers · 09/06/2015 16:27

Well I'm starting here...

We have the odd stupid row like all couples - Dreadful sign so early on in the relationship. You should be in your honeymoon phase! DH and I didn't argue (or even bicker) until well over a year into our relationship.

But I'm going to say this. I'd still be with DH if he had gential herpes. He does have cold sores.

I would get educated, go and see your GP even, and ask advice on managing it. Many couples live very happily and manage the infection well.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/06/2015 16:27

What type is it? I have type 1 genitally (oral type) and it's really no big deal. If it looked like a spot it's probably type 1. Also re pregnancy -I took acyclovir during last few weeks to avoid a breakout. Also no big deal. If it's type one you probably already have it. And sorry but they can be contagious at any time (asymptomatic viral shedding) so it's always going to be a risk. But like I said you probably already have it.

PoppyField · 09/06/2015 16:28

Hi OP,

I think the really good thing in all this is that your guy has been really honest from the start and has been really open in order to protect you. This is positive, and shows that he is a decent person and putting you and your relationship first. Yes, it ain't very nice but at least he cares enough to fess up, and he is not in denial.

I have it and it was given to me by my XH. He had a blister on his penis but I didn't know what it was and he didn't tell me what he thought it was (the coward). In fact he just mumbled a bit and didn't look for treatment. We were trying to conceive at the time so were having unprotected sex. He told me afterwards that he thought it might be herpes. I was really upset that he didn't care enough to put me first and get himself seen by a doctor. He just hid from the problem. Sure enough I got an outbreak soon after and it was pretty awful. But the main reason it was awful was the lack of honesty and a sense of betrayal. He let his own need to hide from it override any sense of protecting me. Your DP has come through that particular test with flying colours.

I felt very ashamed (hard not to, even though I know it was not my fault) and I have had quite a few outbreaks since, mainly coinciding with my period. Obviously I wish I didn't have it. But it's the way my H dealt with it that hurt me more.

The other thing is that it is ridiculously common. You are will not be Typhoid Mary if you get it, it's not very nice, but I don't think the fact that your guy has it, is a chuckable offence. Has he got checked out for other STDs? That may be worth doing, as catching herpes suggests unprotected sex.

Salene · 09/06/2015 16:29

No I would not I caught it from a partner years ago, I get flare ups ever now and again it's not sore nor does it bother me

I've been married years my husbands never got it , u feel a little tingle when it's coming so we don't have sex then

As for pregnancy times have moved on, they now know babies are not at risk and even with a flare up at the time of delivery (which I had) they still give go ahead with a normal virginal birth. As baby is protected from mums anti bodies

The only time they would do a c section is if you had your 1st ever outbreak within 6 weeks of giving birth as your body won't have made enough anti bodies yet

I told my husband when I met him, although he was wary he went and did research and was happy to continue the relationship and here we are 5 years later and he has never got it

It's really not a massive deal that's coming from someone who has it, it doesn't bother me at all. A slight annoyance when it flares up but that's all

So no I would not

Jacana · 09/06/2015 16:32

Agree with longlist please get some medical advice on managing it. Memory bells ringing that B'ham Uni did some research years ago and there's a treatment (pills?) you can take as the partner of a sufferer.

PoppyField · 09/06/2015 16:39

Yeah - high five to you Selene - just to add, I confessed to my consultant obstetrician when I was pregnant because I was worried about it and he didn't turn a hair. He said it was absolutely not a problem, he couldn't have been less worried about it.

That was a turning point for me. There was me in my 'secret shame' and it was just not a concern for him - and he's a bloody top doctor. I felt much less rubbish about it after that and just accepted it.

Shadow1986 · 09/06/2015 17:01

I have herpes too. My first outbreak was 5 months into the relationship with my now husband. But he didn't have any symptoms and his tests was clear so bit of a mystery, but the docs said likely from him and his symptoms must have been very very mild.

Was upsetting but now I just get on with it and probably have outbreaks every 6 months or so, or maybe when I've been feeling stressed. But I've never had an outbreak as bad as the first time. I told my docs when pregnant and as long as you're not having an outbreak whilst you deliver baby it's no problem.

Going back to your situation - I wouldn't end an otherwise perfect relationship over this. But I may be bias because of my situation.

He's been very honest with you and will probably be feeling really really crappy himself. You can be careful.

He may go on to never have an outbreak ever again! It affects people differently, so you would essentially be finishing this relationship for nothing.

Think you are doing right thing by finding out more information, speaking to people that have this so you can make an educated decision. But personally, I think you can get past this. Good luck.

but shocked you are considering finishing an otherwise perfect relationship for this reason. He has been totally honest with you. He will be feeling really cheaply about this

Shadow1986 · 09/06/2015 17:05

Sorry that was meant to say he will be feeling really crappy about how this is potentially threatening a great relationship so I do have sympathy for him and think you should too, as anyone can get it x

VernonGodLittle · 09/06/2015 18:28

I wouldn't bin someone for this either. As said by PPs, most of the population carry it anyway. I caught mouth cold sores, just from sharing a can of coke with somebody. My body deals with each flare-up more efficiently and quickly each time. I usually only get them when stressed/unwell. I am mindful not to do oral sex with DH during a flare-up, but we still kiss. He's never had a cold sore.

goodcompany2 · 09/06/2015 18:33

Anyone who has sex with another person who was not a virgin is at risk of catching an STD. It is no-one's fault. He has been honest and the relationship seems good so it seems harsh to end a relationship due to having an infection, albeit one that comes with some additional baggage. Would you leave him if he developed migraines, a bad back, tinnitus, food allergies, diabetes etc? To me a sexual disease carries no additional penalty. However maybe not all think like this.

Chipsahoythere · 09/06/2015 18:36

You likely already have it and don't know about it.

Was that his first outbreak- did he have flu like symptoms?

BitOutOfPractice · 09/06/2015 18:39

OP, get yourself educated about herpes for goodness sakes. More than half of the population carry it so he could well have caught it from you - which is worth thinking about before you go all weepy Victorian heroine on his ass

This horrible stigmatisation of herpes really makes me cross

I'd also add that "a couple of months" is far too early to be either having rows or talking about moving in

knackered69 · 09/06/2015 18:45

I got my first attack of herpes in 1989 - I felt quite unwell and was all psyched up for a lifetime of it. I only ever had one further episode and it was a couple of blisters - I got tingling at the top of my thigh beforehand, so - ooh 1 attack in 26 years...

smellsofelderberries · 09/06/2015 18:52

A huge amount of the population have herpes, but never have a flare up. And yes, you can get it without a flare up present, it's called skin shedding, though not as likely as when the sores are present.

Chipsahoythere · 09/06/2015 18:57

Also what type does he have? Type 1 tends to have very few outbreaks.

Op would you break up with your DP if he had a cold sore? Your answer to that should really be your answer to this.

Salene · 09/06/2015 20:09

That's not true about a breakout when pregnant and about to deliver as I had a flare up right when I was about to have my baby, my HV had known from the start I had it and was not concerned also when I went into be induced I told them I currently had a flare up but they said it was of no worry as baby would be protected from my antibodies unless it was my first attack which it was not I'd had it for 7 years

I went ahead and had a straight forward birth and as doctors told me my baby was fine

It's nothing more really than a common skin complaint

BitOutOfPractice · 09/06/2015 20:25

GolfRomeoFoxtrot "It's not as straightforward as cold sores or glandular fever- people who are saying that clearly haven't met anyone who suffers with herpes and endures the very painful flare ups. Plus, as a woman there are added risks when you are pregnant."

Maybe, just maybe the people posting here have a lot more direct experience than "meeting someone" eh? Do you think that might be the case?

God these herpes threads come up regullarly on MN and it depresses me no end the ignorance that is displayed on every single one of them

wallypops · 09/06/2015 21:47

Very well informed thread here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2342613-Met-a-lovely-guy-but-he-has-told-me-he-has-herpes

CrystalSkull · 09/06/2015 23:15

thingamajig - how bad your DP's outbreaks are has little bearing on how your body would react, unfortunately. My DP, who caught type 2 from me, had one very mild outbreak ever, but I get them recurrently and painfully. The first one was horrific and landed me in A&E. I wouldn't wish this on anyone but neverthless, it still wouldn't stop me being with the man of my dreams. You have the great advantage of knowing that he has it (I caught it through rape so unfortunately had no choice in the matter) so you can take measures to protect yourself. For example, if he takes daily antivirals (to reduce asymptomatic viral 'shedding') and you avoid sex while he has symptoms, the chance of passing it on is slim to none. Good luck.

Cherryblossomsinspring · 09/06/2015 23:48

Oh my goodness! I think you don't realise how normal this is to have. I guarantee a load of the people on this thread have it and don't even know it. I'm sorry OP but you likely have it as the virus sheds before sores appear. It's very very common and not really a big deal. You need to become more informed before making this poor man feel like a leper.

Cherryblossomsinspring · 09/06/2015 23:50

*Not really a big deal=yes the first outbreak can be miserable but it tends to get mild and often stay dormant for years on end. If you have sex with more than one Virginia in your life you are quite likely to be exposed.

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