WWYD if 'D'P did this to your DS

[intenserecovery]

A few months ago we moved into DP's house. It has been very difficult to be honest as he has grown up kids and was very strict, I have 12 year old DS who is a lively lad. Basically they were messing about pranking each other a little last night and DP had enough told DS to stop bothering him and go and play on trampoline, which is fine. But when DS went out DP locked the back door - DS ran back and looked worried and was trying to open the door. I know him well and could see he didn't like it and was getting upset. I was sat at kitchen table and said to DP 'open the door' - the exact reason I didn't get up and do it myself is that I am trying to let them sort their own stuff out and me getting up and doing it would be me interfering and 'saving' DS. DP opens the door but then kicks off at me saying I can't tell him what to do in his house, and if he chooses to discipline DS in this way he can do. I said no I don't agree with locking him outside, he was scared (DS is big scaredy cat). He didn't need to do that. He said if it was his child he would have locked them out, I said well thats up to you but I don't do it with mine.

What do you make of this?

Please end the relationship.

Why do you always fall back into it? Because he says so? He's not in charge of you.

I know it is hard but please consider how this looks to your son. You are staying with a guy who treats him like that. What does that say to your boy?

Someone needs to stand up for what is right, for what your son ought to expect from a father figure or even another human adult in his life.

Is this really good enough for your lad? He will always be on eggshells around this guy - it doesn't make for a comfortable life. Also he will not understand why you choose to stay with a bully, or why you still like someone who is a complete knob to him.

Please take sides here - I think your son really, really needs you to. He will probably tell you only after you leave this creep how much it has affected him, psychologically. It's a proper headfuck for a child when your Mum makes a bad choice. x

I mean it's great you're leaving the house. But the man is making you choose. He is such a child that he feels threatened by your loving your son more than him. He sees this as a challenge. He is saying 'right, who matters more to you eh?'

It's shit behaviour. It's emotionally far from mature. Can you think of a really good, grown up father figure you have known or seen in your life - even in a movie, I always think of the guy played by Alun Armstrong in Goggle Eyes (TV drama) and how he was just this big, quiet lovely respectful guy who tiptoed around the woman's relationship with her daughters.

Hold your bloke up to him, whoever your example is and just think, is he as good? Does he love your son enough to behave in a grown up way?

No, he doesn't. Then he should not be your boyfriend, because that entails loyalty to someone's behaviour and you can't truly say you support this, can you?

All the best.

Unfortunately my son really likes him as when he is not being a grumpy old git he is fun. Take this morning, he is all fun and making us laugh. Wish he would revert!!! My son said he wants to still see him once we have moved out. I can phase that out though I guess.

I bet he's all fun and making you all laugh.

Until he thinks it needs to stop suddenly and then shuts your son out for not stopping when he wants to.

His fun bits are just part of the cycle to keep you in. Your son likes him and puts up with the bad bits. You do to. Because someone who makes you laugh can't be a bad person, can they? Yes they can.
Look at their worst behaviour to see who they really are.

Yes I am going to write a list of all the stuff he has done to me and DS and effect it has had on me ready for the moments of weakness.

I just wish he wouldn't do the nicey nicey to DS next few days as I think it will unsettle him. Wanker

'My son said he wants to still see him once we have moved out. I can phase that out though I guess.'

That is a bad idea. Your son is a child, and it is your job to protect him and this man is emotionally abusive. Your son is learning how others mistreat him from this man. This man is very damaging.

You need to get both of you out, end contact and do the Freedom Programme. Take a long break from men and dating, too.

'I have tried to break up with him many times but always fall back into it.'

That cycle needs to end.

What AlternativeTentacles said.

I'm sorry but you have to leave.

Look at it another way.

Letting this lump of aggression, negativity and bullying stay in your life is simply dragging you down. Wasting precious time that you could be spending having a genuinely lovely time with nicer people. Stopping you moving forward, onwards, upwards. Making sure your son has a slightly shitter, slightly nastier template for relationships. Making sure your son's childhood is slightly worse than it could be.

You have so much to gain from life if you have the courage to turn your back on him. Make it happen!!

I agree that this is where you teach your son about boundaries, about how he can expect to be treated, and how we deal with bullies and abusers.

You don't stay friends with them. Show him by example and explain your choices to him.

I would run for the hills as fast as possible.
I hate bullies and nobody would be bullying my child more than once.

Of course he is fun and nice sometimes. Nobody would ever put up with him if he showed his true colours all the time.

I am running and just cannot wait to get the hell out of here...... 3 more nights woooo hooooooooooooo

Just read the whole thread. So glad you're moving out, OP.