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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

WWYD if 'D'P did this to your DS

91 replies

intenserecovery · 08/06/2015 07:49

A few months ago we moved into DP's house. It has been very difficult to be honest as he has grown up kids and was very strict, I have 12 year old DS who is a lively lad. Basically they were messing about pranking each other a little last night and DP had enough told DS to stop bothering him and go and play on trampoline, which is fine. But when DS went out DP locked the back door - DS ran back and looked worried and was trying to open the door. I know him well and could see he didn't like it and was getting upset. I was sat at kitchen table and said to DP 'open the door' - the exact reason I didn't get up and do it myself is that I am trying to let them sort their own stuff out and me getting up and doing it would be me interfering and 'saving' DS. DP opens the door but then kicks off at me saying I can't tell him what to do in his house, and if he chooses to discipline DS in this way he can do. I said no I don't agree with locking him outside, he was scared (DS is big scaredy cat). He didn't need to do that. He said if it was his child he would have locked them out, I said well thats up to you but I don't do it with mine.

What do you make of this?

OP posts:

SoozeyHoozey · 08/06/2015 08:20

OP I'm so glad you are leaving. This man is an abusive bully and your ds's safety and emotional wellbeing are at risk. Please get out asap. Go no contact as soon as you can and please don't let him talk you round or placate you.

SoupDragon · 08/06/2015 08:20

I would have said that it would depend on how he is normally and whether this was a one off.

Seeing as you have already made plans to move out, it sees there were other things too!

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas · 08/06/2015 08:20

Well done , best of luck in the new move (and also lots of strength for the conversation you will be having with him).

pictish · 08/06/2015 08:30

You are doing the right thing leaving imo. Your dp sounds like an overbearing bully who would continue to use the fact that it's his house to belittle you and your son.
Good luck with the move. xx

ThisTimeIAmMagic · 08/06/2015 09:25

God he sounds like a complete bastard from all your posts. I hope the relationship is ending and not just the living together.

BertieBotts · 08/06/2015 10:50

Please end the relationship as well as moving out! I'm so glad to hear that you're listening to your son and your instinct and going. Your instincts are spot on with this.

QueenofallIsee · 08/06/2015 10:55

OP, you are doing the right thing. My mother could never put her children before her relationship and our relationship has suffered because of it. All credit to you for putting your son first

PrincessShcherbatskaya · 08/06/2015 10:55

You should promptly be moving out. Your job is to protect your son. You will soon stop caring for someone who treats your child in this way - you really don't need to come on here to be told your dp is a twat surely?

PrincessShcherbatskaya · 08/06/2015 10:57

Sorry cross post, well done op, good for you and all the best of luck with your move

SylvaniansAtEase · 08/06/2015 10:58

Absolutely I'd move out, sharpish.

You are right.

Well done you. Your DS will thank you!

'His' house? No. Your joint HOME, where your child should feel safe, secure and loved. Lodging with a bully isn't a 'home'.

Don't even bother engaging with him. Smile and say 'It's not working out for us.' And please dump him, he's not a particularly nice person - and he definitely isn't right as a partner for someone with a young child who needs support and love.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/06/2015 11:00

intenserecovery

re your comment:-
"DS did love it here and didn't want to move (there were problems early on with DP being horrible to me)"

That was a huge red flag in itself so why did you and your son move in with this individual at all?. That is a question you are going to have to address.

Do not let this man know in advance that you'll be moving out.
He by his actions has told you precisely what he thinks of you both. This relationship is at an end.

I would also suggest that you look at Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this could well help you go forward. Such individuals like this man can and do take an awful long time to recover from.

CrapBag · 08/06/2015 11:05

Good luck. Thank goodness you are sensible enough and have already made plans to move out.

This was cruel and unnecessary. You would never have been equal in 'his' house. I'd have hit the roof if someone done this to my child!

expatinscotland · 08/06/2015 11:13

Don't tell him you are going and please do the Freedom Programme before even thinking of dating again.

DixieNormas · 08/06/2015 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBakeryQueen · 08/06/2015 11:26

If someone accused me of 'saving' my son as a negative thing I'd be thinking of course I'm going to save my son, my child is the most precious thing in the world & my job is to protect him you fool!

Well done on doing the right thing.

scallopsrgreat · 08/06/2015 11:40

Can only agree with others. Your instincts are correct with this.

"...but I just wanted to know what other people thought of this as he calls me over-protective, mummy's boo boo baba etc etc." That's enough reason alone to run away from this relationship, let alone what he chooses to do to your son.

pictish · 08/06/2015 11:47

Seriously, if my new partner with whom I had moved in, did this to one of my kids and then argued that he had every right because it's his house, I'd be gone in a cloud of dust. Dust!

BreadmakerFan · 08/06/2015 11:49

I'd be moving out today. Day off work, pack up and be gone. Tell your soon to be ex nothing and let him come home to no dinner, no kicking toy, no girlfriend.

pictish · 08/06/2015 11:55

the exact reason I didn't get up and do it myself is that I am trying to let them sort their own stuff out and me getting up and doing it would be me interfering and 'saving' DS.

Absolutely. That you can't let your own son into what is supposed to be your mutual home (although evidently your dp doesn't view it that way) for fear he will start a row over you 'saving' him, says it all really. Controlling prick lording it over you both. Fuck him.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 08/06/2015 12:06

So glad you are putting your DS (and yourself TBH) first and moving out.

If he is behaving like this in what should be the "honeymoon period", how would he behave when your DS becomes a hormonal teenager?

OnBlueDolphinStreet · 08/06/2015 14:07

I think you are doing the right thing by moving out OP. Hope the move goes well, and you and your son enjoy your new home.

thelonggame · 08/06/2015 14:24

Your home should be your safe place, he's crossed a boundry there.
I'm so pleased that you have somewhere to go, goodluck for the future for you and your son

minandensommerhus · 08/06/2015 14:45

Glad to read that you're moving out. It might be temporarily inconvenient but you'll get through inconvenience. You are sending a really good message to your son, that you won't stand for him being treated badly.

MamanOfThree · 08/06/2015 14:58

Good luck with the move :)

And to answer to your original question, no you aren't iver reacting or over protective.
And even if you were, ds is YOUR child not your DP. YOU chose how to parent him, whether it's in 'his' (that should be yours too) house or not.

Now please tell me you are also finishing the relationship too?

Original poster

intenserecovery · 08/06/2015 16:15

Been working on my new nest all day :) Dreading him coming home from work shortly. I have scuttled a few things over to new place that he will not notice. Feels so fresh and free over there. I am not going to tell him tonight unless he starts questioning me on things.... which is a possibility. Roll on Saturday

I do plan on Freedom program... started it a couple of years back so need to re-start

OP posts:

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