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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Taken for a fool?

78 replies

redtulip68 · 07/06/2015 22:46

Right I'll try and jeep thus brief. Meet a man ten months ago, after m husband left the family two and a half years prior. Everything has been good between us. He lives the kids and they live html been introduced to some if his friends but no family as they live at the top end of the country.

My parents don't like him and visa versa but I've been coping.....trying to jeep them apart really. He dies suffer from bouts of depression which seem to gave lessened over the time we gave been together....yippee! However, my parents have been putting pressure on our relationship right from the start.

It transpires that last week my father spoke to my partner about some issues they have him. These are namely I gave never been to his home during the ten months were have been together...something always happens to prevent thus from occurring, he is always short of money...saying his sister deals with his finances since a period of depression two years ago caused some financial problems, his duster gas refused to meet me because apparently she finds our relationship a problem. I know lots of you are looking to the sky and shouting fool but most.of this hasn't been a problem to me. We have been to lots of events together with his employees, I'm introduced as his parter, he does pay for things (occasionally).

The thing apparently last week during the conservation that occurred whilst I was at work, my parents informed my partner that they have already discussed these issues with me, together with the fact that they had been to his address to find our about him and apparently he doesn't live there. I only found out about thus two days after the event and whilst my partner confirmed to my parents he would talk to be about their issues on the day of their conversation, he hasn't spoken about it.

He went home and spoke to me uni rally everyday, he went last mi day and spine on the following three days, but I've heard nothing since. I received an text saying how much he loved the children and I but nothing since.

I'm not stupid....i do know he isn't married, especially as he spends three days out of seven with me. But I'm concerned. If he has been lying throughout our relationship then I want to know the truth and why he felt he had to lie.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 08/06/2015 21:14

How did you get him checked out by friends in the force? I thought there were strict protocols around Sarah's Law.

Original poster

redtulip68 · 08/06/2015 21:20

LineRunner - Sometime its not what you know its who you know! Friends who are in the police, a solicitor, a barrister and a jp.

Wotsitareafterme - in the city he said, a mile from his original home. In a studio flat (aka bedsit in old money). I've been inside - he was just embarrassed that things were the way they were.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 08/06/2015 21:22

So are you going to carry on with him?

I don't think I could overlook the lies.

And why doesn't his sister like you, when she hasn't even met you??

Original poster

redtulip68 · 08/06/2015 21:23

Re: Sarah's Law - you apply to your local Police headquarter with the name of the person in question. they can disclose only to the person making the application. Its not difficult. Friends just help to show you the way to apply.

OP posts:

TheMaw · 08/06/2015 21:25

Nah, this is really weird. If it's all so easily explained, why didn't he tell you immediately after speaking to your parents? Or, say, five months into your relationship when there was obviously enough trust there for you to introduce him as a father figure to your children?

I think you need to wake up.

TendonQueen · 08/06/2015 21:27

Did you ask him to show you bills with his address on like I suggested? You may as well take every possible precaution to verify what he's saying while you're about it.

Original poster

redtulip68 · 08/06/2015 21:27

pocketsaviour - possibly more of a case of not being interested in me as I have children and she thinks it is complicated having a relationship with a woman with children. She doesn't have any of her own, not that that makes a difference.

Carrying on the relationship - that's a decision yet to be made and something I will discuss with my children regarding how they feel about him and about the fact that he lied at the start. They are at primary school but are 11 and 10. After all its important that they understand that lies are not a foundation for a relationship, but at the same time that mistakes can be made and be forgiven.

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 08/06/2015 21:29

OP, it's terrible thing that your boyfriend has been lying to you. But it's even worse that you are now lying to yourself to keep him.

Original poster

redtulip68 · 08/06/2015 21:30

TendonQueen - showed rent agreement.

The Maw - major illness was a stroke linked to stress. He didnt speak straight away as he was frightened of my reaction. If I were in the same situation I may well have done the same.

OP posts:

TheMaw · 08/06/2015 21:33

But you already knew about the illness before he took off? Or have I read that wrong?

Original poster

redtulip68 · 08/06/2015 21:33

DioneTheDiabolist - not lying to myself at all. Ive found out the facts, considered what I think is right for me at this moment. This may not be how I feel in a few days or weeks but at the moment Im prepared to consider maintaining a relationship but along different lines.

OP posts:

Original poster

redtulip68 · 08/06/2015 21:36

Yes I knew about the illness - he was frightened of my reaction if he had explained his situation five months in, then as with any lie that people tell if not confessed it becomes too difficult to explain until it is exposed.

OP posts:

Penfold007 · 08/06/2015 21:38

OP your 'friends' didn't do the Sarah's Law check for you and you are very wrong to suggest it. There is no 'who you know' these checks have a very strong evidence trail. Your friends may have told you how to request such a check but no more.

LineRunner · 08/06/2015 21:38

Nah, that's not how Sarah's Law works.

Original poster

redtulip68 · 08/06/2015 21:39

How to apply and took the application in for me, gave me numbers to call to chase it up etc. They still helped.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 08/06/2015 21:40

Yeah, whatever.

Original poster

redtulip68 · 08/06/2015 21:44

LineRunner www.parentsprotect.co.uk/police_disclosure_scheme.htm - explains entirely how Sarah's Law works.

OP posts:

Cancookdontcook · 08/06/2015 21:47

You have found out a lot since this morning

DioneTheDiabolist · 08/06/2015 21:47

OP, you say you've spoken to his friend's and family. Yet you have also said that you haven't met his family as they live at the other end of the country and his sister refuses to speak to you.

You knew he was lying early in the relationship but you chose to ignore that.

You know he has been lying about where he lives.

You were previously with a liar. You say that you don't want to go through that again, yet here you are with another liar.

TheMaw · 08/06/2015 21:50

So the facts are this: he lied, for ten months, despite being an important part of your life, despite being around your children, he lied. Then, when confronted with the lie, he took off. Embarrassed or not, scared of your reaction or not, you deserve better than that.

I think you need to take a massive step back here. You don't know him all that well, and ten months isn't very long to get to know someone who DOESNT muddy the water with lies. So maybe date a bit, but cool off on spending every weekend etc together.

Also, it's irresposible to include your children in your decision to stay with him. If it all goes tits up in the end, are they going to be partly to blame for encouraging you to stay together? That's too big a decision for them.

ChilliAndMint · 08/06/2015 22:19

The facts:
He's lied to you for 10 months
He spends 3 days a week with you
You've yet to meet/speak to his family
You really don't know if he's the person he says
He has most likely got another girlfriend/wife to cock lodge with for the other 4 days of the week
People with genuine illnesses are usually very upfront from day one.
There is very little you can't find out a person online.
I use OL dating sites and have discovered at least 30% of the men I talk to are married or cohabitating.
He has become an expert at living a double life; some people can do this for decades before being caught out.
Question is OP,is this for real or do you enjoy the drama?

SoozeyHoozey · 08/06/2015 23:57

Op do you not find the whole shebang just really really weird? It doesn't add up and I can't believe alarm bells aren't going off in your head. It doesn't make any sense and I feel you are deluding yourself.

ChilliAndMint · 09/06/2015 00:25

I think OP is comfortable in the " better the devil you know" zone. Not rubbishing OP, just an observation.

Itsraininginbaltimore · 09/06/2015 05:30

2. Back ground is all true - spoken to his friends and family.

So you actually demanded to be allowed to call his friends and family members and question them as to the validity of his story and he agreed to this? And you did it today?

Itsraininginbaltimore · 09/06/2015 05:31

Did you ask his sister why she is still controlling his finances? That bit sounds like crap to me. Also since when was a stroke something to be ashamed or embarrassed about and why does it mean you can't control your finances?

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