Taken for a fool?

[redtulip68]

Right I'll try and jeep thus brief. Meet a man ten months ago, after m husband left the family two and a half years prior. Everything has been good between us. He lives the kids and they live html been introduced to some if his friends but no family as they live at the top end of the country.

My parents don't like him and visa versa but I've been coping.....trying to jeep them apart really. He dies suffer from bouts of depression which seem to gave lessened over the time we gave been together....yippee! However, my parents have been putting pressure on our relationship right from the start.

It transpires that last week my father spoke to my partner about some issues they have him. These are namely I gave never been to his home during the ten months were have been together...something always happens to prevent thus from occurring, he is always short of money...saying his sister deals with his finances since a period of depression two years ago caused some financial problems, his duster gas refused to meet me because apparently she finds our relationship a problem. I know lots of you are looking to the sky and shouting fool but most.of this hasn't been a problem to me. We have been to lots of events together with his employees, I'm introduced as his parter, he does pay for things (occasionally).

The thing apparently last week during the conservation that occurred whilst I was at work, my parents informed my partner that they have already discussed these issues with me, together with the fact that they had been to his address to find our about him and apparently he doesn't live there. I only found out about thus two days after the event and whilst my partner confirmed to my parents he would talk to be about their issues on the day of their conversation, he hasn't spoken about it.

He went home and spoke to me uni rally everyday, he went last mi day and spine on the following three days, but I've heard nothing since. I received an text saying how much he loved the children and I but nothing since.

I'm not stupid....i do know he isn't married, especially as he spends three days out of seven with me. But I'm concerned. If he has been lying throughout our relationship then I want to know the truth and why he felt he had to lie.

Did you mean to type, 'He went last Monday and spoke on the following three days, but I've heard nothing since'?

So you've not seen or heard from him since Thursday?

And in the meantime he was supposed to have told you the truth about his living arrangements, money etc? Sounds like he's done a runner rather than do that.

Your parents may well be overbearing but it is a FACT is it not that you've never been to his home in ten months and he has told some bizarre stories to you that don't add up.

I should listen to your parents. It seems they have instincts and common sense and won't be taken for fools. He, in the other hand seems full of bullshit, stories and excuses, sounds very dodgy and knows he's been rumbled.
You sound naïve and your head is in the sand. You've set the bar too low and are seeing what you want to see, not seeing it all how it really is. Time to get and face the truth I think.

He only stays when the children are home, a request for information from the police under Sarah's Law would be interesting.
It does sound as though he's done a runner, wonder why?

Have you actually been trying to contact him and he's been avoiding you or are you just waiting for him to get in contact when he's ready?

If this were me I'd be sitting outside his place of employment and following him home to get to the bottom of it once and for all - why are you on here asking us, instead of doing that? Do you already know the truth but are afraid to face it? Time to pull your head out of the sand I think.

This going AWOL when he would usually have been due to spend all weekend with you is very telling. I think the fact your parents have confronted him about his lies (when you didn't even though you knew, and you continued to make it far too easy for him, for the sake of an easy life and a warm pair of arms three nights a week) means that you will not be hearing from him again. And if you do manage to confront him be prepared for him to trot out some well rehearsed, far fetched story full of drama and intrigue where nothing is his fault and it's all a big misunderstanding.

Why don't you trace his sister and ask her if it's true about the money?

I think you probably need to write him off - even if you see him tell him you need time apart to think.

But what you really need to do is to get some counselling help. My guess at present is that your relationship with your parents is unhealthy, therefore it has increased the likelihood that your boundaries etc. will be all wrong when meeting people. So you need to start to unpick and sort out your feelings and actions, and relationship with your parent before you are really ready for a new relationship.

Never had destructive relationships in the past. Been in one long term marriage - 15 years, and after that some short term relationships that have always been at my pace and ended when I felt it was necessary.

I'm not easily played.....I have always thought things through too much, considering the effects on everyone and always being safe. I've known my partner for a year, been together ten months and didn't introduce him to my children until we had been together for nearly three months. Nothing was rushed into, it just flowed easily.

I know his back history, have met a previous girlfriend and everything apart from where he lives and finances have been open. He has been very supportive and even my ex SIL things he's great! But I just need to know why he has been so secretive about where he lives.

I mean he could live in a mansion......but it's highly unlikely! I know I might seem a bit naive or even glib but I'm trying to keep myself in a positive frame of mind. After all I've got to go to work and have two DC to look after. If it has all been a lie then I'll learn from it!

in your parents' defence, if your dc's dad isn't around, they probably feel even more protective of your dcs than normal. Have they been heavily involved in their childcare and their lives? It would explain their heavy involvement in this.

Relationships shouldn't be this hard. 10 months and you don't even know where he lives is utterly bonkers.

As for being a father figure to your DC, nobody is that great they become a father figure in 10 months.

Ok so your parents hating him might be a bit of a red herring if nobody is good enough, that's a separate issue, but everything else is screaming LTB. Sorry.

Sorry, but what is the uni rally? That's the bit I can't work out.

Bizarre.

I would contact him and say you want to meet face to face. Pick a day when you can take some time for this. When you meet, tell him you want the full story and you then want him to take you to his house/flat, right now. If he actually agrees and takes you there, ask to see bills with his name on them. If he stumbles or comes up with any excuse, tell him you can't go on with things without the truth and obviously you have to protect your children and yourself.

Even if he agrees to your requests, don't immediately believe all is well. But regard this as the minimum. And if you don't get a reply to you texting and asking to meet then that's probably that anyway.

uni rally everyday = nearly every day?

Tulip, this man is shifty and dishonest.

Please take off the rose-tinted glasses, disable whatever emotional filter you're using, and look at the facts:

He lies.
He conceals things. Big things like where he lives and his money.
He is a lying liar who lies.

Please get him away from you and your children.

If you log into Genes reunited ,you'll be able to find out if he has been married and too whom.
This service also shows people on the electoral register.

Gosh, sounds very bizarre.

I mean, he could just be ashamed of where he lives and doesn't want you to know he is penniless, his sister looking after his finances and keeping him 'short' is laughable really, don't know how he thought up that lie !!

However, if he is living with you a few days a week, and by all accounts you are supporting him during that time, then you need to know more about his life than you do.

As others have said, he could have been an axe murderer or paedophile in a previous life, he could be living a new identity to protect himself from an unsavoury past. Your parents antennae are up, and I don't fault them for that, especially now that they are digging and finding inconsistencies, especially about his home address.

Personally, I would be shit scared to be honest.

Your parents are absolutely bang out of order and I think you need to set your boundaries with them a lot higher. The book "If you had controlling parents" would probably be of use to you.

However, even a stopped clock is right twice a day - this guy's a liar, and now appears to have done a runner. Sorry.

OP, I doubt very much he uses social media but I'm certain other family members do. Worth a rummage, but don't contact them.
I think everyone is of the opinion he is leading a double life, the question is why.
Did you meet him via an online dating site? I always investigate the men I plan to meet. On many occasions it turns out they are married.

Op I'm sorry you are going through this. Do search him on genes reunited as I think you need some clarity or it will drive you mad.
Your parents sound like hard work. Do you have a rational friend you can chat with?
Also I've dated a bloke in higher education - the lecturers have profile pages on the uni website with photos. They do at this uni anyway - have you looked? Have a good Google/image search him

everything apart from where he lives and finances have been open

But this is absolutely fundamental to who he is. Without openness on those scores you don't even know him.

OP I don't want to be harsh but I think you need to face reality - you're easily played, gullible, and you've introduced a man about whom you know next to nothing to your children after 3 months - which is way too early even without the other dubious factors.

The reason I say you need to face this is so that you don't make the same mistake again.

Right here goes....met up today and this is what I've found out.

1. Definitely not married, I'd already researched that bit by looking at birth death and marriage records using the details I had about him.
2. Back ground is all true - spoken to his friends and family.
3. Jobs is correct - checked with employers
4. Had already had him checked out by friends in the force regarding Sarah's law - nothing going on there.
5. Home - after a major illness a few years ago (which I already knew about) he lost his job, he has worked ever since, and as a result lost his house. Reason for not saying anything - too embarrassed. I had already found this bit out using tracing websites and checked the sale of the house during various points in the periods he said he lived there.
6. Finances - not good but he works. No current debts - I'd already checked that one out by checking against CCJs at his previous address and under his name. He does employee staff but its not a profit making company it operates in the social sector, from which he doesn't draw a wage, and works in higher ed part time. (yes I've checked this out too, I've even been there!)

The major issue is that he feels embarrassed about having lost his home as a man in his 40s. He feels he should have been able to manage despite being seriously ill. He didn't have a great support network to fall back on and was too proud to ask those he could have for help. When asked why he didn't say anything, he's response was I didn't know where our relationship was going initially and soon it became too late to say anything without putting our relationship at risk.

Despite what some might think I'm not that stupid to have not checked out many areas relating to my children or my own safety.

Regarding my parents: this has never been about me and my happiness but about their DGC. They often accuse me of being a bad mother because I work full time, have to work in the evening (I teach), want to have a life outside of my job and children, the children sometimes have to make do (their father doesn't always pay towards the children...and that's a whole other story!) the list is endless. They also seem to think that my job starts at 9 and finishes at 3.30, despite me having been a teacher for 16 years, you'd think that after all this time they might actually realise it doesn't but no. I give all my free time to my children, never go out unless its with them, never buy myself anything - it all goes to them but I'm still a bad mother. Ultimately they feel that I should only live for my children and after my divorce should simply give up any hope of a future until they leave home, which bearing in mind they are still at primary school, is going to be a long way away.

That still doesn't explain why you've never been to wherever he is actually physically living.

By the way is there some guidance on when you should introduce new partners to your children? Is it like a death and I should wear black until a particular period after my divorce to show how useless I am at relationships?

My ex left 3.5 years ago, some 2.5 years before I met my new partner, who I knew for two months before starting our relationship and a further three months after which I introduced him to my children during the day on a play date. That's five months!

SoozeyHoozey - I have today.

So where does he live?