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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have made a total mess of it all

56 replies

Whatthefuckhaveidone · 07/06/2015 20:58

Nc for obvious reasons.

I don't even know where to begin with the mess I have made.

I am not asking for sympathy, or even understanding but some guidance would be good if anyone can help.

I tricked the loveliest man in the world into believing my child was his. To begin with I did think the baby was his, a lot went on and we weren't really getting on, we lived apart and he wasn't happy about the pregnancy.

I did the first appointments etc alone and realised that baby wasn't his, but thought he was going to leave anyway so just kept it up.

The problem being that I fell head over heels in love with him when he had a change of heart early on and I let everything spiral out of control to the point I'm at now. He has looked after me, supported me and pretty much given up his life for me and all I have done is lie to him.

He told me he knows baby isn't his and he is willing to stay with me and raise baby if I tell him the truth.

The truth is I have no idea who baby's dad is, i got myself into a situation I couldn't control and was raped. It was my own fault I wasn't careful and didn't take the precut ions I usually would to prevent anything happening (I work in other people's homes)

I don't know how to say the words to my boyfriend. I don't know how to admit what happened and I'm scared to say the words out loud and have them real and out there. I'm scared what that will mean for my baby, I'm scared about it all.

I have made such a massive fuck up and I don't know how to fix it. Please tell me what to do

OP posts:

Lweji · 07/06/2015 21:07

He sounds like a good person.

And it's NOT your fault that you were raped. It's the rapists fault.

You really shouldn't have lied to your bf about the baby, but you do owe him the truth.
I don't think you need to tell him you were raped, just that you had sex with another man. And he should respect your privacy regarding what you want to tell him about that occasion.
But I would think that if you do trust him and do want a serious relationship with him, then you would feel better not keeping another secret.

pocketsaviour · 07/06/2015 21:10

There is no situation on this earth where you can be at fault for being raped.

Does anyone know what happened, a friend or member of your family?

MissMuesli · 07/06/2015 21:15

Would you feel ok to show him this thread? It sounds like he is a kind man and like he is on your side.

You say you work in people's homes, does that mean you know who raped you? Maybe you would like to consider your options in reporting what happened to you.

Be kind to yourself OP, this isn't your fault. It prehaps would have been better to be honest but the nature in which you conceived obviously complicates things

Original poster

Whatthefuckhaveidone · 07/06/2015 21:17

He is an amazing person.

I have promised him we would meet this week and I would tell him everything, I can't lie to him again so I need to tell him the circumstances, I've already lied too much and he deserves more.

Nobody knows what happened, I was doing a cash in hand job off the books so I didn't feel I was in a position to tell anyone really. I'll had no paperwork, signatures etc so no proof why I was there

OP posts:

AlpacaMyBags · 07/06/2015 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 07/06/2015 21:19

If actually physically telling him is too difficult you could write it down and give him a note. I just know sometimes it's hard to get the words out.

Original poster

Whatthefuckhaveidone · 07/06/2015 21:21

I know where the person lives. I can't report them though as I would never ever want my baby to find out the circumstances.

I have moved since it happened for another reason so will never see the person again.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatthefuckhaveidone · 07/06/2015 21:25

A note is a good idea. I can't say it, this is the first time I've admitted it, even to myself really.

I had convinced myself that baby was my boyfriends, I think it was probably wishful thinking on my part.

When I confirmed he wasn't the dad he just hugged me and I cried. Can't believe I did this to him, he is such a good person.

OP posts:

MissMuesli · 07/06/2015 21:27

I just noticed your username. I just wanted you to know that YOU didn't do a single thing wrong and in no way at all do you deserve what happened. Regardless of whether you didn't take the normal precautions or not it doesn't matter, the only person to blame is the person who raped you.

If you wanted someone to talk to I real life then maybe Rape Crisis could help, or they might be able to sign post you to other agencies for counselling if you would like that.

Please don't beat yourself up fot lying. It wasn't ideal but you had a lot to deal with. You are only human and could only deal with so much

Lurgano · 07/06/2015 21:29

You should look at www.rapecrisis.org.uk for support for you.

You need support for what you have suffered.

This will not have been the first or last time that this rapist has struck.

goddessofsmallthings · 07/06/2015 21:30

"Idid the first appointments etc alone and realised that baby wasn't his"

What caused this realisation and has it been confirmed by a DNA test?

Starlightbright1 · 07/06/2015 21:32

Can I suggest you write it down and give it him...rather than an email. He could open the email anywhere.

The rape no matter the circumstances are not your fault.

Lurgano · 07/06/2015 21:33

Are you concerned that he will reject your child due to the rape rather than the child not being his?

PeppermintCrayon · 07/06/2015 21:34

He sounds really lovely. Could you show him this thread? It wasn't your fault, it wasn't, and it sounds like you were kind of frozen by it all.

PeppermintCrayon · 07/06/2015 21:36

Also I don't think you should just tell him you had sex with another man as pp suggested. You didn't. You were attacked. There is only one person who is to blame and its not you.

Original poster

Whatthefuckhaveidone · 07/06/2015 21:49

The dates didn't add up when I had the scan.

I think if he was going to reject baby it would have been when he knew baby wasn't his,I don't think that this would make a difference to him, other than the way he is with me possibly, I don't deserve his sympathy though, I've done something so awful to him and he has been nothing but forgiving and supportive.

OP posts:

PeppermintCrayon · 07/06/2015 21:52

Sweetheart you feel like this because self-blame is the brain's way of trying to make sense of something absolutely senseless. It's a normal psychological reaction, but it's not true.

You didn't do anything awful; something awful was done to you. Please call Rape Crisis

Original poster

Whatthefuckhaveidone · 07/06/2015 21:53

I will write it down and give it to him when I'm there too. He needs this as face to face as possible.

I'm too scared to get help for the rape in case they make me press charges, or in case my.baby discovers it through medical records in future or something, I can't risk there being anything official anywhere for my childs sake.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 07/06/2015 21:56

Rape Crisis will not make you press charges. You don't have to report it.

They will provide you with counselling and support.

MissMuesli · 07/06/2015 21:56

You could contact tape crisis or the simaritans confidentially I believe? I also don't think anyone can make you press charges if that isn't what you want

Twinklestein · 07/06/2015 21:56

It never has to go on your medical records either.

Original poster

Whatthefuckhaveidone · 07/06/2015 22:09

I'm scared of opening up a can of worms. I've almost put it out of my mind, maybe not, maybe just accepted it. If I bring what happened to the surface I'm worried I can't cope, worried I'll maybe reject my baby, I'm always better at putting things in a box and not speaking about it than having it all out there.

Right now my main concerns are finally being truthful with my bf and making sure my baby never finds out

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 07/06/2015 22:14

You can't put something like that out of your mind, it doesn't work like that. If you put it in a box, block it out, it will just rattle around in your unconscious causing problems.

If you're concerned about rejecting the baby, you must get some pre-natal counselling - and Rape Crisis is a good place. The other place is to try your local Sexual Assault Referral Centre - they also have good therapists.

Lweji · 07/06/2015 22:36

I agree that you have to deal with it in your mind, rather than simply block it. How you do it, it's a very personal decision. As is telling your bf, although I think it's a good idea to tell him. It's just that you shouldn't feel that you have to tell him the details if you are not ready. And if he is the person for you, he should let you tell him what you are ready to tell and not push it.

Blocking it is a recipe for disaster. And I'd urge you to seek help from the source you feel most comfortable with.

Remember that for most rapes there is very little evidence. Even if you could show you had been there, and had evidence for sex and for some injuries, it's very hard to prove rape either than believing the victim's story. But cases are still won, and convictions won, so don't discount that possibility.

Original poster

Whatthefuckhaveidone · 08/06/2015 07:57

I'm really struggling with the idea of reporting it. It was a long time ago now, and I know I should to try and protect other women, but I equally can't let my baby ever know and burden them with that forever.

It's all such a mess.

I'm also torn between telling my bf it was a one night thing and telling him the truth. I'm meeting him today and I don't know what to do. I don't want to lie anymore but the truth is so difficult. I wish I could run away from it all.

Thank you all for your kindness, I truly don't deserve it.

OP posts:

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