I have made a total mess of it all

[Whatthefuckhaveidone]

Nc for obvious reasons.

I don't even know where to begin with the mess I have made.

I am not asking for sympathy, or even understanding but some guidance would be good if anyone can help.

I tricked the loveliest man in the world into believing my child was his. To begin with I did think the baby was his, a lot went on and we weren't really getting on, we lived apart and he wasn't happy about the pregnancy.

I did the first appointments etc alone and realised that baby wasn't his, but thought he was going to leave anyway so just kept it up.

The problem being that I fell head over heels in love with him when he had a change of heart early on and I let everything spiral out of control to the point I'm at now. He has looked after me, supported me and pretty much given up his life for me and all I have done is lie to him.

He told me he knows baby isn't his and he is willing to stay with me and raise baby if I tell him the truth.

The truth is I have no idea who baby's dad is, i got myself into a situation I couldn't control and was raped. It was my own fault I wasn't careful and didn't take the precut ions I usually would to prevent anything happening (I work in other people's homes)

I don't know how to say the words to my boyfriend. I don't know how to admit what happened and I'm scared to say the words out loud and have them real and out there. I'm scared what that will mean for my baby, I'm scared about it all.

I have made such a massive fuck up and I don't know how to fix it. Please tell me what to do

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, OP.

As others have suggested, please get a paternity test just in case it makes a part of this go away, and some specialist help to work through what happened to you.

Hopefully, with the clarity that will bring, you can figure out how to move forward in the best way possible.

I don't think any good will come of burying things.

You will find a way, eventually. It will be hard, but if you introduce the subject slowly it may not come as such a shock. Just don't lie or he/she won't trust you. You will be the beacon in their life, you will need to stick as much as possible to the truth in an appropriate manner.

But I'm sure you will be ok. :)

But that's not 'the only reason your baby exists'.

I adore my baby... I have done since the minute the test came back positive.

^ Is the reason your baby exists. Because if you hadn't felt that way, you could've made different decisions.

Take things slowly, the offer of paid counselling may help you.

I'm glad he is being supportive, you have been through a dreadful ordeal.

The danger with living in a bubble is that sooner or later it's going to burst and it will be sod's law that it does so when you least expect it.

Regardless of how she came to be conceived, the birth of your dd has been the most wondrous experience of your life to date and has no doubt served to transform you from a naive and somewhat overly trusting girl into a lioness of a woman who will fight tooth and nail to ensure her wellbeing - at the expense of your own, if necessary.

A DNA test is ESSENTIAL and should be done as a matter of urgency. If the result shows that your bf is not the father he continues to have difficulty in accepting your dd because of the circumstances of her conception, you should have no hesitation in ending the relationship because if you go on to have a child/children with him your pfb will inevitably pick up on any difference, no matter how subtle, between the way he treats his own dc and the way he treats her.

In effect, the birth of your dd has also served as a gamechanger because it is up to your bf to prove he is worthy of parenting her, rather than you having to prove you are worthy of him because you failed to tell him the truth at a time which would have prevented much of the damage that has been caused by your lies.

That said, your situation is not unique and I once again urge you to contact www.rapecrisis.org.uk because they are best placed to advise you and direct you to services such as counselling which will enable you to make the best possible choices for yourself and your precious dd.

I am delighted for you that some of the burden has been lifted by you opening up to your bf and his positive response to date - so well done you.

I agree with all PP - you do need to take a couple of more steps. The DNA test and then contacting rape crisis for your and your DC. They may well advise not to tell her - or may suggest another approach -- but they will have been here many times before so will give you options and you can make your own informed choice. If you decide not to tell your DC - you might well need a back up plan - ie a well thought through pre prepared paragraph if she ever did find out from someone else - this would be something they could advise.

Found this site - www.stigmatized.org/ - it looks very supportive.